It Is Ok…

So the day of love has come and passed, and couples everywhere shared moment of bliss, joy, bitterness, hate, fights, make up sex, etc. High pressure holidays always result in tension, and I am positive that not only did yesterday bring together beautiful couples, happiness and joy, but also tore fragile ones apart. valentines-day-couple-1920x1080 Regardless, I had not experience of the sort. Though I was convinced to go on a date with a man who claims himself to be ‘enamored’, he had to cancel at the last minute due to being called into work. I can’t say I wasn’t relieved, simply because I really didn’t want to have to give into this pressure. “Here are some flowers! Here is an expensive dinner! Desert! Love! Affection! Now.. suck my dick. Do something with my genitals! I have earned it!” – The pressure is out of control, and this lady refuses to give into it. Plus, my arthritis prevents me from getting on my knees.. so your are SOL, buddy.

I spent the night with my girls. We started with a viewing of the classic version of “The Jungle Book” in a local theater, followed by dinner and our typical movie night together. I have to say I loved it. I have spend every day this week after work with my girls, and trying to show them that we can still do fun things. My body aches today, I am sore and out for the count, but I feel I accomplished many things. Last weekend I did a photo shoot for “Lovely” to give to her husband for V-day. I have to say it was so much fun, but it did take a lot out of me. This was followed by the birthday party and other such things I just realized I went through in my last post. This week I spent hours editing and approving 60 photos for the v-day love surprise, so my hands are a bit sore. But most of the time was spent with my girls, snuggling, shopping, eating, and watching movies. As much as I wish it was hiking, building snowmen, igloos and other such winter activities I cannot force myself to do these things. I know my kids are missing out, but I truly hope that what I can do for them is enough. I guess it is the feelings and love they experience during the activity, and not the activity itself. Hopefully this worked.

Love comes in so many forms, and can be found/lost so easily, it is funny to think of how fragile it really is. Love can withstand so many trials, hurt, pain, and the ups and downs of life. unhappy-valentines-day-couple-horiz However, you add one little crack and if it is not attended to, it can quickly cause the entire thing to fall apart. Such a sneaky little chip in what we once thought the most amazing feeling and emotion we have ever felt can cause us to feel the most pain we ever have. Whether that chip be fear, distrust, or any other negative feelings, it can completely destroy a once life motivating feeling. We can feel as though our soul has been ripped out. On V-day, I loved spending time with my beautiful little girls, but my mind kept drifting off to Horse. I know that our relationship was filled with chips, scratches, holes, and even giant gaping windows. There was little solidity to our relationship, and our love was SO fragile, that it completely came apart so quickly! Once it was hit, it was done. Over. So over that he immediately sought love with another (whom he is still with), and never looked back. I was angry, hurt and at that time just so through with our love!

It was inevitable that our love was doomed from the start. It started on an odd note, had many hiccups that should have ended it, and then finally just broke. photos_couple What I don’t understand is why there is this lingering chunk of love. Why do I still feel this sliver of love, and adoration for him? WHY do I still wish to see him, speak to him, and share my life with him? It is insanity, and I am convinced it needs to be cured. My physical pain is lingering and never subsides. Why one earth must I have this “love” pain along with it? Perhaps it is that he is the only saving grace I had during my downfall, even though at time he tormented me with his strange emotion. Looking back at all the behavior, and knowing what I know now, I am aware that he is mentally and emotionally unstable. Yet so am I… and I am also physically unstable. Valentines day is a day to be thankful for those you love, and care for. I know it is pushed and pushed as a holiday you pour your love into money, and that money into gifts. The better and bigger gifts, the better ‘spouse’, ‘parent’, ‘friend’ you are, however I disagree. I love my friends and family. I love my babies. I love my co-workers. I love my Horse. And that is ok.

It is ok to love. It is ok to love more on Valentines Day. It is ok.


Four Pounds

Over the last two days I have been on mostly liquids, diuretics, laxatives, and pain meds. This sounds extreme.. because it is. The blockage and irritation inside my intestines is just exacerbating the issues and pain associated with the cyst on my ovary, and we are doing what we can to clear it all out and relieve some pressure. So, needless to say.. I have been miserable. The amount of time I have spent in the bathroom is far more than I would ever like to spend there, especially while at work. I have been through worse than this before, but generally I do it at home. Since I have bills to pay, including but not limited to my medical bills, I have to go to work and push through it (no pun intended). It is not exactly fun to be running back and forth from the toilet at your place of work. Luckily I am well enough acquainted with all of my female coworkers that it’s not a huge deal for them to walk in and deal with me. In fact, oft times they offer to help me in any way possible. Get me some water, or something else I need. I am actually pretty lucky to have people who care for me in my place of work.

This morning when I woke up, I decided to see what two days of liquids and misery had done to my weight. We are trying to decrease the inflammation, and increase the flow of natural function. I hopped on the scale and took a look. Wait.. what? I hopped OFF the scale, let it reset, and stepped back on. r-GLOBAL-FAT-SCALE-large570 No. There is no way I GAINED four pounds in two days! What the hell? I know that when you are “starving” your body goes into survival mode, and stores everything that you take in. However, I know that I have not even taken in four pounds of anything, so seeing that I had gained that much frustrated me. Don’t get me wrong, I am more worried about getting this cyst to shrink or burst, and less worried about my weight, however I am so annoyed that even going through suffering like I am, I am still gaining weight. Over 50 lbs so far this year, and for what reason? I eat healthier than most people I know. I don’t eat gluten, I drink a lot of water, and I LOVE my fruits and veggies. I take in little dairy, and I eat meat maybe once a week. If that! I can’t help but be at least a little annoyed. I know we have taken me off the plaquenil, which may have been part of the reason I gained so much, and decreased another medication to only half dose.. but why do I keep gaining?

Each and every day that I have to face, there are more and more things to be sad about. Four pounds of weight on top of the weight I have already gained is just icing on the cake. I noticed some new stretch marks on my breasts today, which is no surprise. They have also almost doubled in size, and my clothes are getting smaller and smaller on me. I look in the mirror, and I barely recognize this body I am in. This wilting, bloated, fluctuating body that I have lived in for so long, but barely even know it anymore. I often forget what I look like on the outside during my day to day activities. I remember me how I feel on the inside, and passing mirrors or reflective windows pulls me out of the self image I keep in my head. I am often told how beautiful I am. Hot. “Bangable”. I got that one today.. but I just don’t believe it. I am covered in sore. There are small cysts growing under my skin on my neck, and face. I have 80 lbs of extra weight sitting on my bones. I just can’t look at myself and say, “You are everything you should and can be.” – I know what lies under what others see, and I wish I could show them what I know I am under this.. mask of a person I am. I have a lovely shape. My smile can radiate for miles! When I walk, heads turn and doors open. Tabs get paid, chairs get pulled out, and boyfriends get slapped. Men remember their fetish for redheads, and my eyes pierce through the toughest of shells. I know I am in there.. I know under these four pounds, upon four pounds, and MORE pounds.. I am still in there. I may be sick, weak, fat, and blistered right now but one day.. One day I will be me again. Right? I will be me?

Will I be me again?

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