So the day of love has come and passed, and couples everywhere shared moment of bliss, joy, bitterness, hate, fights, make up sex, etc. High pressure holidays always result in tension, and I am positive that not only did yesterday bring together beautiful couples, happiness and joy, but also tore fragile ones apart. Regardless, I had not experience of the sort. Though I was convinced to go on a date with a man who claims himself to be ‘enamored’, he had to cancel at the last minute due to being called into work. I can’t say I wasn’t relieved, simply because I really didn’t want to have to give into this pressure. “Here are some flowers! Here is an expensive dinner! Desert! Love! Affection! Now.. suck my dick. Do something with my genitals! I have earned it!” – The pressure is out of control, and this lady refuses to give into it. Plus, my arthritis prevents me from getting on my knees.. so your are SOL, buddy.
I spent the night with my girls. We started with a viewing of the classic version of “The Jungle Book” in a local theater, followed by dinner and our typical movie night together. I have to say I loved it. I have spend every day this week after work with my girls, and trying to show them that we can still do fun things. My body aches today, I am sore and out for the count, but I feel I accomplished many things. Last weekend I did a photo shoot for “Lovely” to give to her husband for V-day. I have to say it was so much fun, but it did take a lot out of me. This was followed by the birthday party and other such things I just realized I went through in my last post. This week I spent hours editing and approving 60 photos for the v-day love surprise, so my hands are a bit sore. But most of the time was spent with my girls, snuggling, shopping, eating, and watching movies. As much as I wish it was hiking, building snowmen, igloos and other such winter activities I cannot force myself to do these things. I know my kids are missing out, but I truly hope that what I can do for them is enough. I guess it is the feelings and love they experience during the activity, and not the activity itself. Hopefully this worked.
Love comes in so many forms, and can be found/lost so easily, it is funny to think of how fragile it really is. Love can withstand so many trials, hurt, pain, and the ups and downs of life. However, you add one little crack and if it is not attended to, it can quickly cause the entire thing to fall apart. Such a sneaky little chip in what we once thought the most amazing feeling and emotion we have ever felt can cause us to feel the most pain we ever have. Whether that chip be fear, distrust, or any other negative feelings, it can completely destroy a once life motivating feeling. We can feel as though our soul has been ripped out. On V-day, I loved spending time with my beautiful little girls, but my mind kept drifting off to Horse. I know that our relationship was filled with chips, scratches, holes, and even giant gaping windows. There was little solidity to our relationship, and our love was SO fragile, that it completely came apart so quickly! Once it was hit, it was done. Over. So over that he immediately sought love with another (whom he is still with), and never looked back. I was angry, hurt and at that time just so through with our love!
It was inevitable that our love was doomed from the start. It started on an odd note, had many hiccups that should have ended it, and then finally just broke. What I don’t understand is why there is this lingering chunk of love. Why do I still feel this sliver of love, and adoration for him? WHY do I still wish to see him, speak to him, and share my life with him? It is insanity, and I am convinced it needs to be cured. My physical pain is lingering and never subsides. Why one earth must I have this “love” pain along with it? Perhaps it is that he is the only saving grace I had during my downfall, even though at time he tormented me with his strange emotion. Looking back at all the behavior, and knowing what I know now, I am aware that he is mentally and emotionally unstable. Yet so am I… and I am also physically unstable. Valentines day is a day to be thankful for those you love, and care for. I know it is pushed and pushed as a holiday you pour your love into money, and that money into gifts. The better and bigger gifts, the better ‘spouse’, ‘parent’, ‘friend’ you are, however I disagree. I love my friends and family. I love my babies. I love my co-workers. I love my Horse. And that is ok.
It is ok to love. It is ok to love more on Valentines Day. It is ok.