Middle Child Syndrome…

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Middle child syndrome. As a middle child, I guess I should really understand how this works, and perhaps I had this and just can’t remember. The idea is that in a family of three you should be giving your time evenly to all of the children; Obviously breaking down to 33% each. As the middle child, they often feel left out due to the perks of being both older, and younger. The older child is able to do many things that the middle child is not. They seem to be able to be given more privileges, freedom, and all around the middle child envies the abilities that the older child has. (Keep in mind in my home, my oldest child is 13, while my middle is 7) Then there is the youngest. They are treated as the baby, and are seen as getting more attention, and possibly love, than the middle child. The baby gets away with things the middle child no longer can, and there is also an odd sense of freedom. Child feeling left out. Image shot 2009. Exact date unknown. The middle child is too old to do what the baby does, and too young to do what the oldest does. Here they are stuck in the middle, feeling left out and unloved as the other children ‘run free’ and get away with possibly everything they can!

My child has this to a T. Severely. Not only is she the middle child, but I am mothering three girls. The oldest is 6 1/2 years older, and the youngest is 3 years younger. My oldest and youngest are both tall for their age, while my middle is quite small. Standing only approx 3 inches taller than her 4 year old sister, she is often paired with her when it comes to activities. Though they are both incredibly adorable, my middle child’s intellect is beyond compare. She is not only logical, but critical and also moody. She is quick to upset, and even faster to scold you. Due to being bossed around by her older sister, she is extra bossy with her younger sister. The only problem with this is, yet again, she is barely taller than this sibling. Therefore when a fight breaks out between the two, it is often her who is left in tears, because my littlest girl has no qualms against fighting dirty. She will pinch, pull, kick and punch. Needless to say, this is not fun for the mommy.

So here I am, a single mother working to support three kids on my own, all the while suffering through multiple autoimmune diseases, and dealing with my lovely little middle child. overwhelm_life2 Who is suffering through her own battle of angry self pity, and with the intellect to understand what is going on around her, she is becoming a bitter little blond soldier of war. War on the peace at home, and anyone else who she can possibly get away with mistreating. There is little hope for peace, and she is nowhere near willing to raise the white flag and give up on her middle child temper tantrums. Her adorable little face, big blue eyes, and almost white blond hair is quickly changed from a beautiful little cherub into a cringing almost demon like glare. She can scrunch her face up with the best of them, and will stare you down with no remorse. Should you refuse to give into this battle, she will cry out in a piercing scream of anger, stomping her way to her “castle”, causing as much destruction she can get away with on her way, and cursing your very existence. This will be followed by a slamming of doors, and silence. Now and then she will make her presence and anger known by stomping around in her bedroom, which causes our kitchen lights to flicker. I think I have made my point when it comes to my child’s behavior. Some days she can suffer through many ‘unfair’ events, while others she is finished upon the first. It is a never ending roller coaster of middle child syndrome.

There are a few things that I have tried to simmer down the middle child, and though things have worked in the past, recently her behavior has escalated. Child-Discipline-200x300 I have no doubt that this has to do with the fact that the smallest child has been ill with the flu, hence getting more attention from the oldest and me. She has not been able to play with middle child, thus leaving her lost as to what to do with her spare time. She has such an active mind, and requires so much interaction to keep her pleased, that the lack of having a ‘lacky’ has recently left her alone. Older child was suspended (long story, but nothing serious) therefore home with the little one for two days, while I worked and recovered from a week’s worth of bronchitis. At the end of the day, oldest was exhausted from the needy baby, I was exhausted from the extra work load I acquired this week as well as the struggle my illness was putting on my body. This week middle child has been so incredibly neglected, she has been nothing short of awful to everyone. I have tried putting her in her place with times outs, extra chores, and talks. I have also tried snuggling, talking, and spending extra time at home with her, however it is always interrupted with the other two and she ends up storming off in her overly dramatic manner. This mother is at a loss.

So, I am trying one last thing before I throw my hands in the air and give up on treating my beautiful little girl’s MCS. Tonight I am taking her to see Frozen, just her and I, and then to the Village Inn, which is her favorite place to eat. I have high hopes that by the end of the night she feels extra love, and that implementing mommy/daughter dates with my MC will resolve some of the issues she has. I have to say that at this time, having the MCS happening is causing so much stress on me that I am immediately tense whenever she approaches. This, no doubt, is felt by her and likely exacerbates the situation and the tension in the home. Hopefully my plan will work, we will have a lovely time together, and tomorrow the screaming, stomping and anger will be significantly less. Wish me luck! As a single mother, an autoimmune sufferer, and an all around stressed out person.

Lets do this, Middle Child!

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Every Minute of Every Day

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For each and every man I have dated, interacted with, slept with, or whatever other form of contact, my coworker/friends have had nicknames for them. From “David Beckahm” down to “Has all his teeth”. We come up with the most random things to label each and every one of them. I have probably interacted with (on some level) at least 15 men over the last 4 months. I have been actively trying to keep my mind occupied with the opposite sex so that I don’t think of a certain someone. The conclusion? It doesn’t work.

As much pain as I am in on a daily basis, today being one of the days it is pretty bad, though I am working regardless, I can’t keep my mind occupied long enough to not think of him every day. Every fucking day. The more pain I am in, the more I long for him. My heart aches, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. All I want is to climb into his lap, smell his scent, and his warm hand on my head. head-in-his-hands I want to hear his voice tell me that it is ok, and call me baby. The only conclusion I can come to is that I am insane. That the pain I feel physically is attached emotionally to him since I was with him when I initially became ill. He has been the only one who was able to comfort me to the point of me feeling at least remotely ok. During the last bit, we were so emotionally off base, it caused my physical pain to skyrocket, and my heart, body, and entire being to just burst with pain. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, but I know it is getting to the point where I am just going to give up on trying to heal my self destructed broken heart. I did this to myself. I am not sure I am ever going to fully heal from this, or if I will ever find someone who can make me feel at least partially ok with losing Jeff. Losing.. well.. removing him forcefully from my life.

Today my head is throbbing. My feet are killing me. I have a blanket folded and placed under my elbows just so I can sit at my desk and work. I have been forcing myself to ignore the pain, and just focus on my work. I have to get up every 20 minutes or so and walk around, or my legs become numb. My head is a whirl with thoughts, and each one leads back to him. I am going to see a movie with my sister tonight, and I know I will enjoy it. She is going to be driving, so I am comfortable taking some pain medication before we leave. I am longing for the two hour distraction that 3D Gravity in IMAX is going to bring me. Anything that will keep my mind off of him is a saving grace. Talking to my coworkers, distracting myself with as much work as I can handle. ANYTHING to keep my emotions intact, and prevent the total sobbing break down I wish I could fall into right now. Over my pain. My illness. My lost love.

Today one of my close coworkers looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I missed him. I knew she would know if I lied so my response was, “Every minute of every day.” End of conversation.

I am crazy.

It’s so unfair

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Four O’clock – The time my Dr’s appt was scheduled with my Orthopedic Surgeon. I was 5 minutes early, paid my co-payment, and sat waiting patiently in a chair close to the door I went through last time I visited. Four fifteen. I finally decided to play on my cell phone for a bit, though the battery was running low. What is taking so long? I couldn’t help but think to myself. I watched other patients walk into the office, pay their dues, sit and wait for their turn. One patient was called. And another… and another… and another. Four thirty. What the hell? The woman at the front desk who had checked me in glances over the desk every two minutes or so, and quickly looks away when I make eye contact. I know she can tell I am irritated.

I listen to the chatty receptionist go on and on about movies they have seen. “OH! Hitch is my fav!” “I love the Notebook!” “OH MY GOSH! ME, TOO!” I can’t help but roll my eyes at their non stop hen’s nest behavior. 552087-2169-47 I refer back to my cell phone, shifting my sore body every few minutes. I have been sitting in this chair for forty five minutes now, and my entire body has begun to ache. The nausea I was feeling earlier prevented me from taking any of my pain medication, and I wasn’t sure if it would affect anything they wanted to do today. I can feel myself starting to drift off, as my body often does towards this time of day, and I have to force myself to stay awake. I want to lay down! I want to rest my tired bones and recover from the long day I have already had. Instead it is now four forty five, and I am STILL waiting to even be called into the exam room.

Just about that time, I notice that the woman who checked me in took a clipboard and set it down on the shelf that she had set all the others of patients who had come in. My physical therapist walked over from the hall, and picked it up. She leaned in and asked the receptionist a few questions, made an awkward face, and disappeared behind the walls. I shifted my body, and went to look at my cell phone again. Dead. It had died. What a frustrating last hour it had been! Within a minute the same nurse opened the door and called my name. I glace over at the receptionist, as she lowered her gaze to her desk. She forgot to put my chart out! We both knew this was true. It was now four fifty. What a waste.

I waited another ten minutes for my Dr, and once he entered the room, the exam was quite fast. He moved my legs around until it hurt. This way and that. Does this hurt? Does that hurt? Let’s see what it takes to cause grinding. Oh, more grinding this way. More that way. No pain here. SEVERE pain there. OK! He let me know that we need to send off to the insurance company and get approval for an MRI. It will require another $50 co-pay, and then a return to the office for a follow up. Another $50. The hours they are open are the same as I work. It seems the minimum hours I am going to miss from work is going to be 3. Girl massaging neck This means not only my hourly wage lost, but also $150 in co-pays. As a single mother who no longer gets any child support, this is almost impossible. I think of what past due bills I have. What food I have in my house. How I will pay my daycare bills. Is it worth it? Can I just leave it alone and live with the pain?

As I walk out to my car, after being told by the SAME receptionist that it was NOW too late to speak with the insurance company today, and it may be a few more days before they can actually get approval, I tried to ignore the pain that shot through my legs. It now hurts with every step, and sends tingles from my hips to my feet. I can’t help but feel a burning inside my chest and the pain shoots down my body. I feel my eyes start to swell with tears, and the hurtful anger start to well up. This is SO unfair! I get into my car, push down on the clutch and turn the key. This sends an aching through my foot, and up my leg. Press the brake, and shift. More pain. This is SOOOO unfair!!! As I drive home, I hold back the angry tears, and try to convince myself that it is all going to be fine. You can do this! YOU CAN DO THIS! You CAN do this!!! I begin to repeat to myself. I just have to convince myself of this, and I will be fine. Right? Ugh.. this is not right.

This is so unfair.