Giving Up For Today…

Today my anxiety is through the roof. I’m both physically and emotionally in pain. My heart aches, and my head aches. I’m so stuffed up I can barely breath, and I can’t keep from crying.

sleeping positions in periodsMy life is in shambles, and I have no idea how to put it back together. I’ve never felt so helpless, and I don’t know how to handle this feeling. I think I’ll give myself today to let it all out, and see if I can think straight tomorrow. I’ve given up on my relationship with “Rain”, and I’ve given up on today. I am not sure what else I’ll give up on, but right now I want to give up all together.

I really dislike how diagnostics, chronic pain, and chronic illness make you so emotional. I wish I had more control, but I don’t.



I am so sorry, body! Give me another chance! Let me live, and I promise I will be so nice to you! Remember how we used to dance the night away? Remember how wonderful it felt to hike to the top of a mountain and look down over the valley? How we used to love living! Do you remember picking up your babies, and holding them for hours? Climbing on the playground! Playing tag?! Do you remember how you loved me? Please, body! Love me again.

How many times have those of us with chronic pain had this begging argument with their body? How many times has your heart broken because you simply because your body will not give in, and you cannot do all the things you truly wish you could? The things you SHOULD be able to do. Most people don’t understand that even getting dressed in the morning, let alone showering beforehand, is such a great accomplishment. I have been having a battle with my body lately. We are ‘fighting’ again. Oh, how I hate fighting with my body! women-pleading-200x300 “PLEASE! I swear I will be so good to you! I promise I will be careful with us today, please just let me go to work!” I lost this argument for a full day once this week, and was two hours late because of that same fight today. We simply could not come to an agreement on Tuesday, but today we compromised with loose clothing, no makeup, a ponytail, and a knee brace. It was the only way my body was going to let me go ANYWHERE today. Giant mug of coffee in hand, fruits on call (as my body HATES food right now, but fruits provide energy) off I went into the office. My boss was not happy, my body was even more upset, and I was… I was an emotional wreck. Not only did I have to hold my body together to manage today, but I had to go to work, dragging the ‘one’ I fought with me. This fight continued throughout the day, and I tried my hardest to just be me. Imagine getting into a fight with the one you love, having your heart hurting from it, and than having them dictate your entire day. You may have won, but there is that constant reminder that as soon as you let your guard down just slightly, you will be crushed. My body breaks my heart every day, and I am stuck inside it, begging it to just let me be ok. Let US be ok.

It may sound silly to think of your body and yourself as two different entities (though spirituals may already feel this way). To feel like your body is a vessel, but it has a mind of it’s own. It is deciding what you can and cannot do with yourself. Want to do a normal every day activity? Ok.. but only one! PICK! Do I.. go to work or take my kids to the park? Do I do a load of laundry or a load of dishes? Do I do my hair, or my child’s hair? Do I bath myself or my children? Do I rest now and pray I can get back up, or keep going until I collapse? These are not decisions that one with time should have to choose. I am losing a battle with my body right now, and I am so hurt by it. My heart aches from the betrayal. I am so tired.. so so tired. I am tired of compromising with myself. I am tired of telling myself I am ok. I am so tired of the pain, the missed work, the messy house, and the overall hurt! I am tired of my heart aching for the loss of myself, and my “Dead Horse”. I am so very, very sick of it. Deep inside I know that this is just a flare, and once it passes, I won’t be feeling so defeated, but right now I am so SO tired of it.

I don’t want to compromise.

More Than Just Scary

Diversity. This has become a very common word among my coworkers, and I believe the general SEO world. You must diversify your anchor text. You must diversify your targeted URLs. You must diversify your targeted keywords. Diversify. Tomorrow we are doing diversity training, and it has lead me to a conclusion. There are words spoken by those you care for to a certain point that will have zero effect on you, however if those same words are spoken by someone you value, it can cause a wound that feels almost scorched into your very being. I have been known to scorch a person or two in my time, without realizing that my words had cut/burned so deep. I am quite insensensitive when I am angry. This is no surprise to anyone who has witnessed the wrath that is me. However, how badly have I been scorched by others? We all know that the “Horse’s” words still scorch me to this day, though I am just an idiot and should be over that, but who else can scorch me? Who out there can burn me to the point of actually having hurt?

I know that I am in pain daily. Even on my best days, I feel the aches and pains deep inside me. A certain twist of the knee. Holding my mouse too long without stretching my fingers (so about 5 minutes, fyi), and many others things. But who out there (besides my family) could hurt me? I began to put thought into this, as I (again) often forget how harsh my words can be. Really the only people who I interact with on a regular basis are my work friends, and my friends/family on facebook. I really am quite anti social, and my illnesses don’t seem to help that ailment. Jeff used to think he was the reason I stayed home all the time, and though that was true from time to time, it was more that I didn’t feel well enough to go. It’s been over two years since that day a horrible sick feeling washed over me, and I never fully recovered. Ridiculous, really, how quick it came and took my entire life, spun it around, and spit it out like it was no big deal. My body slowly changing in horrible ways I had never considered. Ways that would encourage me to write an over dramatic blog one day. O_O But I digress….

Jeremy. I care for him, and his words can hurt me. His opinion matters to me, and if he were to actually insult me, it would sting like no other. Man-Yelling I really very much hope that never happens, and have recently begun to wonder if he knows how much he actually means to me. Not on a romantic level, for those of you thinking that, but a personal and friendship level. Hm.
Kendall. Now I KNOW she knows she could hurt me. She is perfectly aware that I adore her, and her opinion very much matters to me. She is 7 years younger than me, and yet it feels like there is no age gap. She’s fun, funny, caring, and just as fucked up as I am. She gets when I am in pain, she lends me her blanket when I need it for my achy elbows, and is generally just a wonderful, fun person. I am positive that I could call on her, and she would be there for me. Her words could hurt me very much, however I also know she would not strike out at me. Of course.
Kay. She also knows that she could injure me personally, and actually hurt my feelings. Not many people can penetrate the fortress that is my general exterior, but this princess faced lady can not only make me laugh, but if she wanted, she could make me cry. She knows it.
Gary. Now, I am almost SURE that this man would NEVER actually insult me with intention to hurt me, but if he wanted to, he could. I have worked with him since April or so, however just over the last few months I have gotten to know him. We were both in relationships prior to our friendship, and both ended during similar times. We are also both putting ourselves out in the dating world, so we have many things to talk about. Like how I was in 4th grade when he graduated High School, however I FEEL much older than anyone else.

There are many other people in my life that could hurt me if they wanted to, however I do not interact with them nearly as much as I do these four, especially the last three. I know on days I ache, I can whine to these friends. I know that when I am feeling ill, Kay will offer me whatever she can (she is also gluten intolerant) to make me feel better. When I was sick in bed, and could not come to work, flowers were sent to my door. My very favorite flowers, and though he refused to admit it, I know the only person I told that Lillies were my favorite was Jeremy. I have my down days, and I have my up days, but I am overall lucky to have these wonderful people in my life. Today was an up/down day. Though I was very much upbeat and happy, I was still very sore. My right knee has been bothering me quite a bit, and my right arm is going numb again. I am not sure if I am sleeping on it wrong, or if the nerve damage I am taking B12 for is just getting worse. Pinching? Disconnecting? Is it the neurontin? Is it that I need more? Headache_Web Medical questions are always so hard! My feet are beginning to cramp up more as well, and my intestines have been very cranky lately. The feeling of my pants against my lower abdomen the last few days has been nothing short of painful, though I have pressed through it. I am thinking the weather change may be responsible for the aches and pains. We will see.

Thinking of the physical ailments I have, and the emotional vulnerability I have recently become aware of, I can’t help but feel very weak. I have always related emotions to weakness. I can’t really pinpoint the reason why, and I am sure that some therapist could count down ALL the reasons and moments from my childhood (Come on! I was raised polygamist. Pick a problem), but I have always felt weak. When I was sad. Hurt. Happy. In love. That is when I feel the weakest. When I can’t control my feelings for another. When I was with Jeff, I always felt so weak around him. Like the love that I had for him was a sign that I was a weak, and undeserving person. Such an odd way to respond to something that should be so wonderful. Love makes me angry. So you can only imagine how frustrated and vulnerable I felt when I was sick around the man I loved. I can logically tell myself that this thought process is ridiculous, however my emotions don’t run on logic. Perhaps that is why I hang onto the feelings I have for him. The longer I tell myself I love and miss him, the longer it will take for me to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to love another. In my pained, and “weak” physical state, letting any other part of me be “weak” is more than just scary. It’s terrifying.

Every Minute of Every Day

For each and every man I have dated, interacted with, slept with, or whatever other form of contact, my coworker/friends have had nicknames for them. From “David Beckahm” down to “Has all his teeth”. We come up with the most random things to label each and every one of them. I have probably interacted with (on some level) at least 15 men over the last 4 months. I have been actively trying to keep my mind occupied with the opposite sex so that I don’t think of a certain someone. The conclusion? It doesn’t work.

As much pain as I am in on a daily basis, today being one of the days it is pretty bad, though I am working regardless, I can’t keep my mind occupied long enough to not think of him every day. Every fucking day. The more pain I am in, the more I long for him. My heart aches, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. All I want is to climb into his lap, smell his scent, and his warm hand on my head. head-in-his-hands I want to hear his voice tell me that it is ok, and call me baby. The only conclusion I can come to is that I am insane. That the pain I feel physically is attached emotionally to him since I was with him when I initially became ill. He has been the only one who was able to comfort me to the point of me feeling at least remotely ok. During the last bit, we were so emotionally off base, it caused my physical pain to skyrocket, and my heart, body, and entire being to just burst with pain. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, but I know it is getting to the point where I am just going to give up on trying to heal my self destructed broken heart. I did this to myself. I am not sure I am ever going to fully heal from this, or if I will ever find someone who can make me feel at least partially ok with losing Jeff. Losing.. well.. removing him forcefully from my life.

Today my head is throbbing. My feet are killing me. I have a blanket folded and placed under my elbows just so I can sit at my desk and work. I have been forcing myself to ignore the pain, and just focus on my work. I have to get up every 20 minutes or so and walk around, or my legs become numb. My head is a whirl with thoughts, and each one leads back to him. I am going to see a movie with my sister tonight, and I know I will enjoy it. She is going to be driving, so I am comfortable taking some pain medication before we leave. I am longing for the two hour distraction that 3D Gravity in IMAX is going to bring me. Anything that will keep my mind off of him is a saving grace. Talking to my coworkers, distracting myself with as much work as I can handle. ANYTHING to keep my emotions intact, and prevent the total sobbing break down I wish I could fall into right now. Over my pain. My illness. My lost love.

Today one of my close coworkers looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I missed him. I knew she would know if I lied so my response was, “Every minute of every day.” End of conversation.

I am crazy.


This week has been full of many things, but the most prominent has been the nightmares. My dreams have been getting quite vivid, and I have read it is a side effect of one of my meds. That is fine, except lately they have been turning gravely towards my fear and pain; both emotional and physical. I had a flare up on Friday, and upon going to the Dr, discovered I also had a small chunk of bone floating in my knee and some damaged ligaments. I am to go see an Orthopedic Surgeon in a few weeks, which is actually a good thing. It would be awesome to get rid of this knee pain. They are also testing my kidney and liver function, as there are signs of problems… maybe I should stop drinking, right? Right… We’ll wait for the results.

couple_love_romance_sunsetThe most memorable part of my dreams are the emotions I felt during. The fear. The loss. The pain; again both physical and emotional. I’ve been beat, stabbed, taunted, and tortured. I have stood by and watched Jeff live his life with another woman, all the while my heart aching, but there is nothing I could do about it. Being taunted, and prodded about all of my failures in life. My love, my children, my body, my mind. Nothing was left untouched. I was stalked, and stabbed through my guts multiple times. The amount of fear I felt one night awoke me many times, and upon falling asleep the nightmare would only pick up where it left off. Many different scenarios, but always the same sense of fear and being utterly alone. Standing in the one place I never want to return to, walls torn down, I am out in the open. I can see my killer coming, but no matter how much I scream for help, nobody is coming. I can’t make him out, but I know it is him. I know he is coming, and he has no intention of letting me live. There are people all around, and I know they can hear me.. but nobody comes to rescue, or even acknowledges my pain. I try to leave, but I am trapped, though there are no walls to hold me.

7941254-scared-woman-victim-of-domestic-torture-and-violenceI cannot describe the feeling of him wrapping his arm around my neck from behind, and sliding his blade through my body. I could feel the blade tearing through me, and protrude out the front. I felt the tip of the blade with my fingers; his breath on my ear as he spat his taunting words at me. How could I be immobilized with fear in my own mind? The pressure inside my body grows, and the blade in my side aches. He released me, but only to watch me die. That’s when I would wake in a sweat. Stomach turning, heart rate through the roof, body aching. As much as I would try to fight, my body was so exhausted, I would slip right back into sleep, and into a new scenario of fleeing. Pet stores, clothing stores, homes, hotels; it didn’t matter! He came for me, and he only had one intention: To kill me.

6a00d8341c5e0053ef015391bf5b76970b-800wiNow, this may sound ridiculous, but as my dreams have gotten more and more intense, the feelings linger for days. It has been two days since I had the dream about my killer, and I still feel anxiety when I recall the horrible night of pain. My dreams of Jeff come and go, and each one being different. Last night I dreamt he changed his entire persona. Became a completely different person, just to please the new girl he was with. He moved in with her quickly, and began a life that I longed for with him. He shoved it in my face, and told me of how I was unworthy of such love from him, but how deserving she was. I begged him to stop, but I was stuck in place. Immobilized once again, and just taking every ounce of pain he threw at me. He showed off how much his children loved her, how much his family loved her, and they all gathered around to mock and destroy me. I stood in tears, and between sobs asked them to stop. The amount of shame, loss, and hurt I felt cannot be described. I was surprised when I woke and found myself crying. Crying in your sleep is such an odd thing to me, as I could tell it had been happening for awhile. Why didn’t I wake up?

I am sore this morning; Pain aching through my entire body. I feel emotionally beat and battered, and it concerns me that my own mind has done this to me. Not only is my body attacking itself, but now my mind is torturing me as well during the time I am supposed to be recovering? I have not been this emotionally free for years, and yet now my mind is trapping itself yet again. The anxiety I have been feeling during the day is directly spawned from the nightmares I have been having. How do I stop these feelings of pain when my body and mind are both attacking themselves? What can I do to free myself from this internal torture? It is my own mind doing this to me, so there has to be a way to stop this… but how?

Late at night

scream-Melissa-ODonohue-FlickrI remember when I fell.. I was terrified, and I wrote this. It was too late for me then, and it’s too much for me now. Also, eff this blog. I love it, and now I hate it because I know he reads it. I am allowed to share my inner workings, but to have him text me and be cruel to me because of them? That’s just not fair. 

Anyway.. here.


 I’ve never fully fallen in love. I’ve always one foot out the door, waiting for that moment it hurts enough to run. Push me, baby, I’m halfway gone.

I’ve had my fair share of troubles; My heart is a patchwork tangle of fragile thread. A simple tug, it falls apart… It’s not your mess.

9b329-woman-fallingI walk a fine line between sanity and complete self destruction. How I remain standing, I’ll never know. Push myself to the edge of emotional dysfunction. I’m teetering.

I want to let it all go. Release the weight from my shoulders, be free and fall. Fall for you, but heights terrify me. It’s a long way down.

So edge to edge, heartache and history ruling a once brave soul, I stay. Immobilized by the fear of what could be and what will hurt. Protecting everything. Preventing nothing.

I want to love.

A week later…

It has been a week since my last post, and there are many reasons as to why it has taken me so long. One of the reasons is that I have been covering for someone at work, and by the time I get home I am so overly exhausted, I cannot think. So I do not post. Second, it is because so much has gone on during this exhausting week that I felt in my less than coherent state, I would not be able to verbalize anything properly. Come off as a jumbled mess of thoughts and emotion… though, that isn’t much different than what I do anyway.

This week ends the most intense and wonderful thing I have ever had, and it ended in an emotionally bloody mess. I have been missing Jeff so much, that late at night when I had a few drinks in me, I would text him and tell him so. He would not text back, but would crassly comment on it to me that next day, saying how difficult I am making things for him. We’ll cut through all the awkward conversations and just get to the point: He is sleeping with someone new. Two years together (Off and on. That is how we were), and within a few weeks he is with someone new? That hurt. Stung. But when he told me, I kept it together and wished him the best. Told him that I hope things are getting better for him, and maybe one day we can be friends. He was, after all, my closest friend for the last few years. That is hard to lose.

Later the same day he told me of his new “escapades” I made a post on facebook. It read, “Skyrim is my new boyfriend. At least it won’t sleep around and make me sad.” – To which a whole conversation about SKYRIM ensued. Within a few minutes Jeff started texting me. We are not even friends on facebook. A friend in common liked my post, and he saw it. Now, he said I was “talking shit about him”, which was not my intention. Every person I have been with has slept around on me. Including him. (One time, but still. Wtf?) Nobody knows that, though. Not about him, anyway. I told a few of my closest friends, and that is it. Obviously you don’t want that kind of thing to be common knowledge. Most everyone who knows of and has met Jeff would never assume that post was about him. Just my relationship history in general, because.. eff. I make the worst decisions.

Anyway, this caused an explosion. He started thrashing on me, and telling me what a horrible person I was. I came back reminding him of all the good things I did for him, and the hardships I also stood next to him through. His retort was that he is a terrible person in general, and I am a bad person for reminding him of his faults… What. The. Fuck? So, he is allowed to thrash on me, and tell me how awful I am, but me reminding him of my good traits and the good things that happened between us is me bringing him down? It was ridiculous.. I couldn’t reason with him. Then came the knife. THE FUCKING KNIFE. He started telling me how wonderful his new girl is. Two years together, just weeks after we were last intimate, and SHE’S so much more fulfilling already? I couldn’t handle it. “She makes me feel so good about myself. Like I am worth something.” – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!? I told him ALL the time how wonderful he was, and how everyone who knows him is lucky to be a part of his life. He would blow it off like I was only saying this because I loved him. It got to the point that when I would tell him I loved him, he would ask me “Why?”. Not “I love you, too”, no. “Why?”. 90% of the time, I was asked to justify my love. I would fill him with compliments, and tell him little things that made me love him. He would blow them off, and tell me they were selfish reasons for love…. and now this RANDOM girl makes him feel like he is worth something? Fuck that… that is COMPLETE bullshit. I am obviously not the issue here (though I am not at all saying the horrible way I treated him the last week before we broke up is justified, don’t get me wrong), and these are his issues that I cannot do anything about that are causing him to be so cruel, and seek out immediate gratification.

I told him to leave me alone. He kept going. I told him that I got it, and to stop texting me. That I had enough, and this was total bullshit. He kept going on and on. BLAMING ME for his actions. As if it is my fault he ran to the arms of another. I PUSHED him there. No, I am sorry.. He insulted me and treated me just as badly as I treated him that last week, and even after, but I am not rushing into the arms of another. I am mourning something I wanted so badly for two years, but lost. Reflecting on things that went wrong, and deciding where I went wrong, and what decisions were incorrect. I made many, many mistakes.. but he made JUST as many as I did. It takes two to tango, and though I regret many things I did, I am aware of the mistakes he made as well. You have no control over other people, and when he would hurt me, I would react badly. And vice versa. It takes two.

At this point I had enough. I know many things about this man that he doesn’t want anyone to know. The ins and outs of his inner workings, and many moments of complete and utter weakness that he would not want exposed to the general public. I am an open book (for the most part), so he has little about me that others do not know, or will not take with a shrug and go, “Yup. That’s just how she is.”. So I did something horrible.. I threatened to expose him. That is he EVER contacted me again, I would expose all of these things he only admits to those he trusts the most. The things that would destroy him if exposed. I threatened to ruin him. (Just note that this is not something I would actually do. I just wanted him to stop. I was shaking, in tears, and becoming more and more crushed with every text. I knew he was so low, and feeling guilty for his actions, and he wanted me to feel the same.) This was a terrible thing to do, but I just wanted it to stop. STOP. It hurts that he is with someone new so quick, but I am not stupid enough to think that he has made some kind of real love connection. He is thinking with his penis, and when things die down, then he will mourn like I am mourning now. I get that. But it hurts. It hurts so bad, it burns inside me. I was trying to be ok with it, and trying to at least salvage enough of what we had to be friends in the future, but no. I couldn’t. Not after the lashing he gave me, and the brutal words he used, building up his actions and this new woman who he implied is now replacing me. I couldn’t handle that. All of my maturity left out the door that day, and I just snapped.

I have been snapping a lot lately, mostly with him, and I am aware it is not good. I am not sure if it is the medication, or just the fact that I am still in constant pain and have to push through it daily. People SERIOUSLY have no idea what it is like to be in constant pain and discomfort. The only reason I fall asleep at night is because my body is so worn out from battling itself, plus all of the activity I put it through, that is just crashes. I fall asleep still in pain, and wake up multiple times during the night because however I naturally moved shot pain through my body, and I needed to adjust. I fall asleep quickly again, because though I am sleeping, my body is still at war with itself. The time that most people are healing, and can wake up fully refreshed, my body fights the healing and is never completely.. refreshed. I have not woken up with energy in a long time. I cannot even remember the last time I woke up feeling both emotionally and physically refreshed and good. I don’t know if I ever will. My own body attacking itself and then the person I love (though I don’t treat him as such now) the most BOTH attacking me? I can’t take it. I have no idea how I am going to be ok, but I just have to find a way.

I keep thinking that I will be alright if I just get a grip on myself, and forget about what I had with Jeff. Right now the good memories hurt so bad, because I want them back so much. But he is tainted. I can’t imagine him touching me with the hands he was so quick to touch another with. Kiss me with the lips he has been using on another. It kills me to think of this, and the memories of us together hurt in ways I didn’t know I could hurt. It causes such emotional pain, that it aches inside me, which causes my already painful body to hurt more. I never knew it could feel like this. I just want to undo it all. Take it all back, and go back to how I was before I even met him. I don’t want these feelings. I don’t want these emotions, and when I get sick, I will do it alone. I will be stronger, and better. I would like to think all of that.. but I just don’t know for sure, and I have no doubt that when the pain subsides, I will be glad to have those memories, and to be the changed person for the positive that would not have happened without him in my life. But right now I am mad, and I am hurt and I just want to get rid of all of these things in my head!

I just want to forget. I just want it all to stop haunting my dreams. Stop dreaming of him, and having these memories flood over me, just to wake up and remember that he is in bed with someone else right now. All that love… gone. All those times of pure happiness will never exist with him again, and at this point.. I am not sure I will ever have them again. I would have to be able to find someone who can accept an over weight single mother with both physically and emotional limitations. Who wants a sick girl with ten million pounds of damage? I am SUCH a damaged person, I don’t know what to do. “Invisible Illness” is hard, but having “Invisible scars” on top is almost unbearable. Call me a martyr, but right now.. I have NO hope. I know I had hope last week.. but that hope was destroyed this week. Happily unhappy? No… Just unhappy… so unhappy.

I wish

Tonight I am wishing. I am wishing for so many things, and I am pained to know that these are just wishes. I am not looking for a pep talk. To be told “if you try hard enough, you can make any wish come true”, because it’s not true. I wish I could go back and fix myself. I wish I could remake 90% of the decisions I have made in my adults life, mostly the ones I have made in the last two years.

Two years ago I met someone, and as much as I HATE to admit it, I was smitten. I fought my feelings left and right, and I REFUSED to admit to them. Even to myself. But I was swept out of my comfort zone, and into the eyes of someone I barely knew. He never knew that.. I never told him. We met online randomly on what was a half asses dating/social site where I would go to distract myself from the random unhappiness I had going on at the time. I saw a picture of him come up in the feed and I thought.. There is something about him. So I messaged him. “Nice watch”.

Thus begun a strain of random conversations for the next month. After that, we set up a date. He canceled the morning of. I was very hurt, and I figured he just ended up changing his mind about meeting me. I must have said something wrong, or maybe he just met someone else and changed his mind. I blew it off, and went out with someone else. I got extremely inebriated, and I am sure made a complete ass of myself. Why was I so hurt that this guy blew me off? We had never even met… it was stupid. Forget it. Forget him… let it go.

He insisted that he really was sick, and that he wanted to make it up to me. I told him it was fine, and not to worry about it, but he insisted we hang out. I told him he was welcome to come to my house, but I refused to change my routine just to adhere to his inability to keep a date. He came over. I wore a pair of pajama pants, and a tank top. I highly doubt he was impressed. However I am instantly impressed with him. What was wrong with me? I am never impressed by anyone. I told myself it was the fresh wounds from my recent 2 1/2 year relationship ending. I was just displacing feelings…. I was wrong.

We spent the whole night together. The back and forth banter distracting me from all of my recent problems. It felt so good to get along with someone SO well. To have him respond to my humor, and retort in a way that was just so perfect. From this moment on.. I did everything on. I should have let him go home, and set up another time to hang out. I didn’t. He spent the night. We went from 0 to 100 in one night. I wish I hadn’t done that. If I had waited, done things right, we wouldn’t have started our “relationship” with me feeling guilt, and shame. 

I didn’t think he would call me the next day. I figured that we were done, and he wasn’t going to respect me enough. Even though I knew he wasn’t that type of person, I felt shamed enough to think this way. He called. This started a 2 year rollercoaster of love. Love, happiness, shame, guilt. Days of pure bliss, and days of such lows I never thought I could experience. I did everything wrong. 

Every situation that arose. I did wrong. I am sure there are things I did right, but I can not recall them in my current state. I just keep thinking back to all my emotions. All my feelings. Every time I felt one day, but did something else. The things I kept to myself, and the explosions of emotion later. Complete and utter insanity. I wish I could take it all back.

Now, I know I am being dramatic. He fell in love with me, just as I fell in love with him, and if I had done everything different, that may have no been the case. Though, I would be the same person, I am not sure things would have panned out the same. Maybe he would love me more? Maybe he would be willing to stand by my side right now, not put out from all the times he stood with me, and I pushed him away. Why do I push so much?

I wish that I could fix it. I wish that I could take back all the terrible things I have done. All the awful things I have said. I wish I could see him. I wish I could smell him next to me, and feel the warmth of his embrace. Not just literally, but metaphorically as well. I wish I didn’t miss him so much. I wish I could talk to him without this burning regret, and burning anger. I am such a mess of emotion right now, and I wish I wasn’t. I wish that all the times we fought, and I was a stubborn little jerk.. that I wasn’t. I wish I had listened more. I wish I had talked less. I wish I had been the woman that was enough for him. I wish I hadn’t pushed him away, when all he wanted was to comfort me. I wish I hadn’t yelled. I wish I hadn’t cried. I wish I hadn’t told him all the things I told him that lead him to see me the way he does now. I wish I could take back ALL my words of cruelty…. but I can’t. 

There is nothing that I can do. I can try to become that person that I wish I was with him, and hope that I don’t do the same thing to the next person who loves me. If that ever happens. I very much do not feel worth loving right now, but that is for another post. There is nothing I can do to make these wishes come true. I have already destroyed the one good thing in my life, and nothing I do now can repair the damage I have caused. Not just to him, but to me. Nothing I can do will take away the guilt, the shame, and the pain I have caused myself. Even if he truly forgives me for what I have done, will I ever be able to forgive myself? Will I ever let go of all of the hurt that happened by my hands? I don’t think I can… I have scarred more than just Jeff. I have scarred his children. My children. Myself.. with all the horrible things I have done. I let our children get close, and became a big part of each other’s lives. Why did I do this? Why, when I knew how screwed up I am, and how much damage I can cause, did I let 6 children grow to love each other SO much. Just to rip it away. 

Today my two littlest children cried for them. We have been seeing Jeff with his kids every other weekend for a year and a half. It’s been a month since they have seen each other, and my kids are beginning to feel the hurt. Today I explained that it was very unlikely that they would ever come over for movie night again. I watched my children cry, and ask why, knowing it was because I have made terrible choices. I know that I caused this pain. I feel like a horrible, horrible person.

I wish I could take it all away. I wish I wasn’t sick. I wish I didn’t do whatever it was that caused my illness to kick in. I wish I was better at knowing what to do. I wish I could take back the last two years, and do it better. I wish I still had him. I wish I had my health. I wish I could love and be loved, and just let it be ok. I wish I didn’t have all this baggage. 

Wishing does nothing but cause more pain. I know this, yet here I sit wallowing in my wishes. Hating myself and everything around me for the pain I can not seem to avoid. I hurt inside and out, with little to no relief. I wish I had something to lean on. Someone… not anyone. Just him.

I wish I was better.