It has been a week since my last post, and there are many reasons as to why it has taken me so long. One of the reasons is that I have been covering for someone at work, and by the time I get home I am so overly exhausted, I cannot think. So I do not post. Second, it is because so much has gone on during this exhausting week that I felt in my less than coherent state, I would not be able to verbalize anything properly. Come off as a jumbled mess of thoughts and emotion… though, that isn’t much different than what I do anyway.
This week ends the most intense and wonderful thing I have ever had, and it ended in an emotionally bloody mess. I have been missing Jeff so much, that late at night when I had a few drinks in me, I would text him and tell him so. He would not text back, but would crassly comment on it to me that next day, saying how difficult I am making things for him. We’ll cut through all the awkward conversations and just get to the point: He is sleeping with someone new. Two years together (Off and on. That is how we were), and within a few weeks he is with someone new? That hurt. Stung. But when he told me, I kept it together and wished him the best. Told him that I hope things are getting better for him, and maybe one day we can be friends. He was, after all, my closest friend for the last few years. That is hard to lose.
Later the same day he told me of his new “escapades” I made a post on facebook. It read, “Skyrim is my new boyfriend. At least it won’t sleep around and make me sad.” – To which a whole conversation about SKYRIM ensued. Within a few minutes Jeff started texting me. We are not even friends on facebook. A friend in common liked my post, and he saw it. Now, he said I was “talking shit about him”, which was not my intention. Every person I have been with has slept around on me. Including him. (One time, but still. Wtf?) Nobody knows that, though. Not about him, anyway. I told a few of my closest friends, and that is it. Obviously you don’t want that kind of thing to be common knowledge. Most everyone who knows of and has met Jeff would never assume that post was about him. Just my relationship history in general, because.. eff. I make the worst decisions.
Anyway, this caused an explosion. He started thrashing on me, and telling me what a horrible person I was. I came back reminding him of all the good things I did for him, and the hardships I also stood next to him through. His retort was that he is a terrible person in general, and I am a bad person for reminding him of his faults… What. The. Fuck? So, he is allowed to thrash on me, and tell me how awful I am, but me reminding him of my good traits and the good things that happened between us is me bringing him down? It was ridiculous.. I couldn’t reason with him. Then came the knife. THE FUCKING KNIFE. He started telling me how wonderful his new girl is. Two years together, just weeks after we were last intimate, and SHE’S so much more fulfilling already? I couldn’t handle it. “She makes me feel so good about myself. Like I am worth something.” – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!? I told him ALL the time how wonderful he was, and how everyone who knows him is lucky to be a part of his life. He would blow it off like I was only saying this because I loved him. It got to the point that when I would tell him I loved him, he would ask me “Why?”. Not “I love you, too”, no. “Why?”. 90% of the time, I was asked to justify my love. I would fill him with compliments, and tell him little things that made me love him. He would blow them off, and tell me they were selfish reasons for love…. and now this RANDOM girl makes him feel like he is worth something? Fuck that… that is COMPLETE bullshit. I am obviously not the issue here (though I am not at all saying the horrible way I treated him the last week before we broke up is justified, don’t get me wrong), and these are his issues that I cannot do anything about that are causing him to be so cruel, and seek out immediate gratification.
I told him to leave me alone. He kept going. I told him that I got it, and to stop texting me. That I had enough, and this was total bullshit. He kept going on and on. BLAMING ME for his actions. As if it is my fault he ran to the arms of another. I PUSHED him there. No, I am sorry.. He insulted me and treated me just as badly as I treated him that last week, and even after, but I am not rushing into the arms of another. I am mourning something I wanted so badly for two years, but lost. Reflecting on things that went wrong, and deciding where I went wrong, and what decisions were incorrect. I made many, many mistakes.. but he made JUST as many as I did. It takes two to tango, and though I regret many things I did, I am aware of the mistakes he made as well. You have no control over other people, and when he would hurt me, I would react badly. And vice versa. It takes two.
At this point I had enough. I know many things about this man that he doesn’t want anyone to know. The ins and outs of his inner workings, and many moments of complete and utter weakness that he would not want exposed to the general public. I am an open book (for the most part), so he has little about me that others do not know, or will not take with a shrug and go, “Yup. That’s just how she is.”. So I did something horrible.. I threatened to expose him. That is he EVER contacted me again, I would expose all of these things he only admits to those he trusts the most. The things that would destroy him if exposed. I threatened to ruin him. (Just note that this is not something I would actually do. I just wanted him to stop. I was shaking, in tears, and becoming more and more crushed with every text. I knew he was so low, and feeling guilty for his actions, and he wanted me to feel the same.) This was a terrible thing to do, but I just wanted it to stop. STOP. It hurts that he is with someone new so quick, but I am not stupid enough to think that he has made some kind of real love connection. He is thinking with his penis, and when things die down, then he will mourn like I am mourning now. I get that. But it hurts. It hurts so bad, it burns inside me. I was trying to be ok with it, and trying to at least salvage enough of what we had to be friends in the future, but no. I couldn’t. Not after the lashing he gave me, and the brutal words he used, building up his actions and this new woman who he implied is now replacing me. I couldn’t handle that. All of my maturity left out the door that day, and I just snapped.
I have been snapping a lot lately, mostly with him, and I am aware it is not good. I am not sure if it is the medication, or just the fact that I am still in constant pain and have to push through it daily. People SERIOUSLY have no idea what it is like to be in constant pain and discomfort. The only reason I fall asleep at night is because my body is so worn out from battling itself, plus all of the activity I put it through, that is just crashes. I fall asleep still in pain, and wake up multiple times during the night because however I naturally moved shot pain through my body, and I needed to adjust. I fall asleep quickly again, because though I am sleeping, my body is still at war with itself. The time that most people are healing, and can wake up fully refreshed, my body fights the healing and is never completely.. refreshed. I have not woken up with energy in a long time. I cannot even remember the last time I woke up feeling both emotionally and physically refreshed and good. I don’t know if I ever will. My own body attacking itself and then the person I love (though I don’t treat him as such now) the most BOTH attacking me? I can’t take it. I have no idea how I am going to be ok, but I just have to find a way.
I keep thinking that I will be alright if I just get a grip on myself, and forget about what I had with Jeff. Right now the good memories hurt so bad, because I want them back so much. But he is tainted. I can’t imagine him touching me with the hands he was so quick to touch another with. Kiss me with the lips he has been using on another. It kills me to think of this, and the memories of us together hurt in ways I didn’t know I could hurt. It causes such emotional pain, that it aches inside me, which causes my already painful body to hurt more. I never knew it could feel like this. I just want to undo it all. Take it all back, and go back to how I was before I even met him. I don’t want these feelings. I don’t want these emotions, and when I get sick, I will do it alone. I will be stronger, and better. I would like to think all of that.. but I just don’t know for sure, and I have no doubt that when the pain subsides, I will be glad to have those memories, and to be the changed person for the positive that would not have happened without him in my life. But right now I am mad, and I am hurt and I just want to get rid of all of these things in my head!
I just want to forget. I just want it all to stop haunting my dreams. Stop dreaming of him, and having these memories flood over me, just to wake up and remember that he is in bed with someone else right now. All that love… gone. All those times of pure happiness will never exist with him again, and at this point.. I am not sure I will ever have them again. I would have to be able to find someone who can accept an over weight single mother with both physically and emotional limitations. Who wants a sick girl with ten million pounds of damage? I am SUCH a damaged person, I don’t know what to do. “Invisible Illness” is hard, but having “Invisible scars” on top is almost unbearable. Call me a martyr, but right now.. I have NO hope. I know I had hope last week.. but that hope was destroyed this week. Happily unhappy? No… Just unhappy… so unhappy.