What Goes Up, Must Come Down…

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They say what goes up must come down. The one question I have is: How far up do you need to be before you come down? It seems to me that my up is not very far, while others have ups so high they are unreachable. Their downs are mere inconveniences, while mine are full on gut wrenching. Literally. As thankful as I am for all of the capabilities I still have, I can’t help but get upset when I am down just after getting up. I am on both an emotional, and physical roller-coaster. I can’t help but picture Wile E Coyote with one of his random inventions; so excited with high hopes in his eyes, only to immediately crash and burn. Wile-E-CoyoteThe big difference is that my crash and burn is not NEARLY as humorous as his. Maybe it is to some… but only people to like to watch me suffer. That sounds awful, but I don’t so easily brush off the idea that those people don’t exist. O_O My ups and downs are going to vary, just like anyone else’s, but one day I would like to at least come to a full standing before I am knocked down again. There are times that I accidentally knock myself down, times that life knocks me down, and times others knock me down. Regardless of who knocks me, I am still going down.

Today I experienced every emotion, though I had physical ailments that really put a damper on anything I was doing in general. Started off late to work (Surprise, surprise that illness has killed my punctuality), and sore as well. My body has not liked much of anything lately. I have a constant upset stomach, sore muscles, and pretty much a relentless headache. This makes it hard to sleep, and hard to wake up. This also makes it hard to eat, hard to drink coffee, and other such things that will wake me up. Right now my whole life is nothing short of difficult. This difficulty did not stop once arriving to work.

At my place of work, I am a jack of all trades. I wear many hats, and I am generally good at it. My illness has absolutely slowed me down, but it has not stopped me. Luckily, even in my slowed state, right now I am appreciated to the point that they continue to rely on me for important tasks. These tasks were pushed a bit today, however, even for someone in perfect health. I arrived to two trainees who I was under the impression would not be at my location until the afternoon. This meant I had to entertain them temporarily until they were to head off to the corporate office. (Btw – This makes NO sense to me. They come to my office for an hour, then have to drive 30 minutes North to the main office, and back. I don’t see why they start employment with such a hassle.) paperwork I then needed to update and rewrite about 1/4 of my 80 page training manual for recent changes to our platform, and ways Account Managers perform their jobs. Being the trainer, and having two trainees fresh out from under my wing, I was interrupted multiple times despite having my headphones on, music blasting and being obviously “in the zone”. I guess being willing to drop what I am doing 99% of the time for my team members kinda makes it less obvious than I would have liked it to be. One of these interruptions was an escalation. Oh fun!

Spending the better part of an hour getting yelled at by a man who had only been a client for a week, yet expected us to have provided him the world at this point, was not quite the best step in the day that would be yet another roller-coaster. The man couldn’t even get my name right. I was called many names, including but not limited to, “Kim, Ryan, and Drew”, but not my name. Once I was finished with said call, to which everyone on the call floor poked fun at me for how many times I had to repeat my own name, and his when trying to get the ranting to stop and reel the man back in, I was able to finish the updates just in time for printing and assembly! Once I hit print, I gathered all of the things I would need to complete the manuals, and begin my afternoon training. “Printer is Offline”. >__< Cancel, move to floating drive, jump on rooted computer and print. Just as I finished this process, my trainees started to come through the door. Not only were there the two trainees for my department, but two for an equivalent department in the corporate office, and one for our Premium department. I had agreed to the additional three trainees just that morning (Because I am insane), and I am sure the frazzled woman they saw before them was not the most impressive introduction to new hire training. 273457944_552b35fe15_b This was followed by multiple hiccups, random events, and other such fun that didn't make the rest of the day as fun as it could be. There were many stresses today, yet I pushed through them and I was very proud of myself.

By the time I got home, my abdomen was swelling, I was sore, and pretty exhausted. I set my bags down, promised my kids a snack after I used the restroom, and took off upstairs. I was so busy today, I barely had time to even use the bathroom, so as a single mom I was borderline excited for some alone time. This was until I realized why my abdomen was so swollen. I am not going to deny, when I saw the blood I was more than just a little upset. I cursed many times, and borderline started to tear up. Every time I discover gastrointestinal bleeding I am reminded that days like these take a toll on my body in many ways. Ways I feel immediately, ways I feel the next day, but also ways I can't really do anything about or don't really notice until it is too late. I always know I have not only pushed myself too far, but have actually hurt myself inside when I see this. My whole body aches, my head is pounding, and now I realize that tomorrow is going to be even harder on me. This also means I can't do anything else tonight. I can't go grocery shopping like I had planned. I can't cook dinner for my kids. I really can't do much of anything at all if I want to be able to perform tomorrow. The three trainees from the Corporate office, if trained well, can prove that I deserve a bigger role in not only my department's new hires, but new hires across the entire company. I need to be my best this week, or at least a level of functional that will be able to hide how sick I am. Tonight I am stressed, tired, emotionally worn down due to other circumstances I can't even go into in this blog post, and worried about tomorrow. About this week.

How far do I have to fall before I can get back up? Because I am ready to get back up now.

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Admitting defeat..

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Sometimes I forget that it is ok to accept and admit defeat. It is pushed so hard on people to “stay strong” and “never give up” that people feel like a failure when they admit they are not able to do something, myself included. I have been in such a denial of my inability to do certain things, that I think I am just making myself worse some days. This week has been one of which many pleasant things have happened (spending time with my ‘Disgruntled White Guy’, which I can go into later), but I have also been so emotionally and mentally busy at work, it’s been draining. I often feel like being physically drained after sitting at my desk all day is so silly. I get up periodically to keep my joints from stiffening. I stretch and I lean, letting my muscles feel change for a bit, then go back to work. However there is something else that I should really accept, and it is that emotional and mental strain can drain you physically as well. The stress of keeping my clients happy, as well as dealing with managing my team, website audits, and addressing issues as they arise (which, let’s face it, Google changes daily) can, and has, put strain on my body as well as my mind. Yesterday was a long day of dealing with clients who seem to forget that they know nothing when it comes to this industry, and I have worked hard to stay up to date and be as much of an expert as I can. head-on-desk It can be quite frustrating when you are being told how to do your job from a person that can’t even log into their website without help. There are oft times where I have literally wanted to bang my head on my desk.

Yesterday was nothing short of a rough day. Not only was it snowing non stop, which was killing my joints and causing almost tear worthy bone pain, I was running audit after audit, and research for my clients, as well as for others. I was up and down from my desk all day with small issues that needed to be addressed. I am almost positive that I have a sinus infection, but I am trying to treat it with a neti-pot, and hoping the small dose of doxycycline that I am on will assist in stopping it from getting too bad. Cross your fingers for me. I really don’t want to spend the money to see my Dr again, and I REALLY don’t want to add to the pills I am already taking. My knees were on strike, my back was aching, and my eyes were dry. I have a headache almost daily, which I can handle, but with the sinus pain and the stress of having to explain why even though Google is a non stop crawling algorithm, they are not ranking on the first page yet, it was extra harsh. I can’t help but want to go “Because your site sucks, you are not well known online, and it takes time to build a reputation, Moron!! Let me do my fucking job and you just go plunge a toilet like a good little plumber!”, but I am almost positive I would get fired. That would just add more stress to the already complicated life of this Positive Pessimist!

Once I was home I immediately half laid on my couch, as my sleeping 13 year old shifted over to let me in. My legs ached, my head pounded, and my feet felt like they were splitting in half. The bone pain throbbed through my thighs, and my back screamed in agony. I guess it did not like the half laying down position. As I convinced my mini me to move off the couch so I could let my body recover, stretching out in the full laying position, she asked me the question nobody in such pain wants to hear. “What’s for dinner?” EFF! Tonight I was supposed to go shopping, not only for groceries, but for my little girl’s birthday presents. My littlest girl is turning 4 on Monday, but we are having her party on Saturday. It was now Thursday night. Sitting up I considered running to the store, however my body immediately objected. Pain shooting through my arms, legs, feet, and fingers while my head pounded and a whirl of dizziness started to take over I succumbed to the pain and laid back down. Feeling a small child climb on top of me, I screamed out in pain. When I am sick, and feeling ill my little girls like to lay with me to help me feel better. Most times we are get comfortable fairly quick, and it is not an issue. However today every little touch felt like hot burning coals on my skin, sending pain shooting in all directions! My poor little girl jumped off me while tears ran down her face. little-girl-crying3 She was only trying to help mommy, and here I am screaming out and scaring the poor girl. As much as I wanted to get up, wrap my arms around her and make her better, my body simply would not move. All I could muster while the tender spots left by her little hands and knees burned was and “I’m sorry. Mommy hurts.”

In moments like these it is almost impossible to not admit defeat. I wish I didn’t have to pop multiple pain pills just to get through the rest of the night. I slowly dialed the local pizza place, and put in an order. I wish I could have gotten up and cooked for my children. I wish I could have made pasta, meat, veggies, the works! But instead I laid on the couch, pain meds and exhaustion pulling me into a much needed slumber, and admitting defeat. My body has won again over my very much persistent and prideful mind. I tend to forget that there is a war going on inside me at all times. I forget that though others look at me like I am fine, I am not. That though I don’t want to admit it, I have to manage my “spoons” more efficiently. Admitting that I even have “spoons” is more than I would like to acknowledge. I want to run, I want to cook. I want to play with my children in the snow, and create wonderful childhood memories. Instead my body is slowly shutting down in ways I don’t even realize until it is too late. Instead I have to sleep. Instead I have to order pizza, and do the one thing I don’t want to do. The one thing that this prideful, and determined woman has to do.

Instead I have to admit defeat… and admitting defeat is sometimes more painful than the rest.