I Really Just Want To Be Alone… Rant…

It’s funny how little things can bring up some big emotions. Here I sit, almost 2am, watching the final season of “How I Met Your Mother” that I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch yet because it was “our show”. I haven’t watched “Breaking Bad”, and even watching “The Walking Dead” is difficult. My head hurts, my body hurts, and my heart hurts. For no other reason than remembering everything I lost. I am not just referring to the relationship that messed me up mentally more than any other relationship I have had, but everything that I felt I lost at the same time. My life, my youth. My everything. Being diagnosed with any autoimmune disease is hard. Beyond hard.

The past few days I have felt really alone. I honestly WANT to be alone, simply because it seems the people around me just aren’t there. They are somewhere else, and that is ok. I have been ignored, yelled at, pestered, questioned, and exhausted the last few weeks. I have been in the hospital, in and out of the Dr office, and pumped full of drugs. I have curled up in pain due to what we later found out was an obstruction. I have missed so much work, I am about to lose all my benefits… which is what pays for my medications. My radiator had to be replaced. Then a fuse blew. And my life at work has gotten hostile due to my absence. I am aware that others think I get special treatment and should have been fired already. I can hear them talk, and see the looks. I just ignore them because they have no idea who I am, and they have no bearing on any decision.

After a terrible few weeks, three of my sisters decided to throw me a “girly night”. When they arrived with snacks, pedicure items, nail polish, and so many other pampering items, I was so surprised! bigstock-Group-women-with-facial-mask--36733561 I can no longer drink, which has been our favorite sister past time for YEARS, so they decided to do the traditional girls night theme. Though, they did bring beer for themselves. They also brought Cujo. My sister Blondie’s (not her real name) awesome rottweiler, who scares the living bejeesus out of my rabbit. Cujo just turned 10, and has no interest in my terrified little buddy, however she was not happy with this situation and spent the entire time in her burrow in her habitat. It was such a loving and happy gesture, and was SO much fun that we decided to commit ourselves to it every month or two. I was so pleased with my overdone nails, silly toenail polish and awesome face mask thingy they bought me… until… I got a message from one of my other sisters.

My mom had three girls. The oldest who we shall call “Hippy”, one we shall call “Tinky” and myself. Hippy and Tinky both tend to feel like the odd man out. The “black sheep” of the family. Them, along with a few other siblings, tend to feel left out of family functions and often forgot about. tumblr_n5e597uyTa1rfm88zo1_250 With 19 kids in my family, I can imagine there are plenty of family occurrences that I am not only not invited to, but will never know about. Such is life. I don’t take it personally, as I know my family loves me. That being said.. Hippy apparently does not feel the same.

I have spent the last two days dealing with drama between Hippy and my sister we shall call “Retro” (She looks so good in retro styled outfits and hair). Retro and Hippy had a falling out a few years ago over their personal lives clashing together in a way that turning into a car wrecking, plane crashing, train wrecking mess! It was nasty. And I tried to stay out of it because I know how both of them are. Hippy is very set in her ways, though she thinks she is very enlightened and open minded. She really is not. I know she means well, so I tend to just ignore what she says to me, though half of it is actually really mildly insulting. She doesn’t mean harm, and truly thinks she is helping. I get this. Retro does not, and takes the insults as insults. Which I completely understand as well. Retro, on the other hand, can be downright mean (much like myself) and really go at it when she is angered. Long story as short as I can make it… they have not made up, and I honestly don’t think they ever will.

Hippy has taken this loving gesture by three of my awesome sisters and turned it into some kind of rejection of her as a sister. She took a great night that I enjoyed so much, spending time with my family, and made it about her. I have missed being able to do anything because of my health so much! My sisters that came, Blondie, Retro, and Beatles (We used to sing Beatles songs at a goth club on karaoke night) took the time and effort to do this for me. However Hippy has been harassing me for two days now, venting about her falling out with Retro. I have been trying my hardest to be as supportive as I can, but I am drained. I just want to tell her to leave me alone and let me be, because her emotional issues with the family is not my problem, but I can’t. redhead-blonde-brunette-300x225 I love all of my siblings, and I can’t just push them away when they are hurting. But I am hurting as well, and I am so frustrated that a kind thing 1/3 of my sisters did for me turned into an ordeal about Hippy. I can’t understand why she would do that. Why she can’t allow me to actually be friends with my other sisters as well without feeling as though she is being thwarted. We are all adults.. I don’t get it.

So, here I am at 2am. Alone, watching a TV show that is bringing up old feelings of being lost, and losing love. Recovering from my Monday routine of physical therapy and work.. dealing with my life as it is, and feeling so anxious over others problems. I haven’t felt this alone in awhile. It’s odd because I want to be alone at the same time. Alone because I can’t stand to hear about other people’s problems that I can’t fix. Alone because I am tired of feeling like I have to constantly defend myself. Alone because I am tired of life as it stands right now.

I don’t like being lonely… but I like being alone. I like being alone because of all of the above! Because I am not missing him, but missing a life before I was like I am now. A life where I could move around. Go hiking if I wanted to. To be free to run, and jump around. To be healthy enough to drink, dammit! A am not mourning him.. I am mourning me. Over time I have realized that what I thought was lingering love is actually not love at all. It is the feelings I harbor about my life. He just happened to be there when my life started to fall apart. When my health went downhill. When I found out that I had the same illness as my grandmother, but diagnosed 30 years before she was, he was there. Only he wasn’t. He had been long gone far before that camping trip. In all honesty, he never was there. I was alone in that battle, and I was trying to convince myself that I would find the solution. That I had him. That I wasn’t alone at all, when in all reality I was. I have been so afraid of being alone since. Alone in my illness. Alone in my pain. Alone in all that I do.

download There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Tonight I am enjoying being alone.. but I am lonely. I do not want anyone to fill this void of loneliness. I want to feel the loneliness. I want to accept it. Because if I can’t get rid of this anxiety welling inside me, anxiety that is keeping me up far too late… I won’t ever be ok.

So, here I sit, now 2:11am. Trying to throw off all the bullshit I endured the last two days. How I want to be alone, and possibly stay alone. I am reminded of how selfish and hurtful other human can be, simply because others were kind in a way that they didn’t see fit. How one can attach feelings in all the wrong places. How I just want to be alone.

I really just want to be alone.


I Will Go Down With This Ship…

Warning: Another silly post about my “Dead Horse” and my ridiculous undying love for him. Don’t read on if you are bored easily by silly girl love.

I can’t deny that every time a start to get close to having feelings for a man, they start to piddle off into nothing again. Yes, I love to be kissed, and held just as everyone else does and I do cave from time to time and allow someone to feed my desires. Especially with being as sick as I have become, and continue to be, it is wonderful to be held, even if it is only by someone who wants you for one thing. I know that my heart belongs to another, and as much as I have tried endlessly to get over him and move on, I can’t. This is not due to a lack of suitors, as my friends often tease me about my “slew of men” I have pining after me (which I don’t see why at this point) but due to the fact that I feel pain and sometimes even guilt when I am with another. I see him in my head. I see every Infinity that drives past me, or is parked anywhere in eye sight. I am such a silly and stupid girl for doing what I did to him, and even though I know I never would have made him happy, I wish he was still mine. I will always be his, and I am having the hardest time coming to terms with it.

sad-contemplative-korean-woman-lying-in-bedI dream of him often. I have dreamt of him every day for the last week. I wake up feeling melancholy and remorseful. I feel both comfort and pain knowing that someone else can be for him what I was not able to be. I miss his children, and I often wonder how they are. Did they ever test his youngest for autism? How are his middle child’s teeth? Is his daughter still in choir? How are her headaches doing? Do they miss me, too? I don’t know, because I was so emotionally afraid of admitting that I loved them all so much for fear of them being taken from me. Now I feel that pain always, and as much as I try not to think about it, my sleeping self refuses to let me convince myself I have let them all go. I miss movie night, with all of the children cuddled up watching Disney movies. I miss camping with them. I miss seeing their faces, and hearing their silly little jokes. I miss them telling me adorable little stories. I miss him brushing my hair out of my face, and looking deep into my eyes. I was afraid of the feelings he stirred in me, and I pushed them all down, and him away. Now they have risen inside me in their absence, and I am all too familiar with the feeling. I can never go back to that family. I caused far too much destruction in my exit, that I feel I can never be forgiven. I don’t know if I deserve it. I have many struggles in life right now, but I can say that the pain I feel from messing up my chance with him.. with them.. is far more painful than any flare I have.

This morning a song came to mind that can describe how I am feeling right now. I know that I will always love them, and nothing can change that. I expect nothing in return ever again, but I will go down with this ship. Here are the lyrics, with the official music video below. Despite my dramatic connection to this song, it is lovely in general. Dido is one of my favorite singers. Enjoy.

“White Flag” – Lyrics provided by A to Z Lyrics.

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

Nobody Deserves This…

I honestly have no idea where to start on this post. I have been sitting in front of my laptop for ten minutes now just staring at my screen. My whole body aches, I have no voice, my lungs are killing me, and I just threw up.. again.. due to having multiple bugs floating around my office. Heating pad on my right knee (always), and warm fuzzy socks on my aching feet. I just keep thinking how unfair my life is. How unfair it is that I have to do this alone, and be a person I barely have enough strength to be. I feel like I have been strong for so long, there are expectations set in place that I am having a hard time living up to some days. I have been called “Super Mom” so many times, but I just don’t feel like I am as super as I can be. I know I can be more patient, but on days like today where I can barely function, it is just so hard to have patience with anyone. I feel so bad knowing my kids could have a better me, but I can’t muster up the strength to be that mom.

Today at work Jackhole freaked out on me again, and was extra rude.. again. Last Thursday I was almost positive he was going to get fired, as he had freaked out SCREAMING at a client and then at the consultant who had sold said client. It was an outburst that was BEYOND inappropriate, and he just got a slap on the wrist for it. Whatever. Man-Yelling But today he was extra Jackholish to me over something so very simple, it made no sense to argue. He was loud, and cocky. Talked down to me in front of both of our teams, and even went storming off to my boss. Imagine Dwight from The Office, only a real life version of him, and not funny at all. That is what it reminds me of. (I have jokingly started calling my boss “Michael”, to which he just rolls his eyes.) We had to sit down and have a meeting over this silly little battle, of which his argument had neither rhyme nor reason. My boss obviously agreed with me, (Not because we get along, but because I was right. He is the first to tell me when I am being silly.) and Jackhole went about his personal stomping ways, while I went off to train his wife (YES! Jackhole’s wife) on how to do proper website audits so she can join my audit team. I really like Jackhole’s wife, and I am very careful to never say anything negative about him to her, nor talk down about him to anyone who could be negatively affected by it in an unprofessional manner. He, on the other hand, does not give me the same respect and often likes to tell co-workers about how incompetent I am, and I have had ENOUGH.

This man gets away with mistreating others left and right, and with no remorse. Nobody has filed any official complaints, though many MANY people vent their frustrations of his ill treatment, and even do so to our boss. They have chosen to just take it with a grain of salt, and try to ignore him. I know I have had to be talked down about filing multiple complaints before, and only because my boss was trying to work with him to be more pleasant to work with. Each time he did, it would be ok for a day or two, and then it would go back to how it was. I do not need to be watched while I hobble off to the bathroom. yelling He does not need to get up from his desk and wander around pretending to get a drink or something else before he locates me. This man has his nose stuck so far up my ass, I swear he can tell I have intestinal issues before I do. Hell, maybe he is the cause of them. I just hate having to text the front desk to let them know I am sick in the bathroom again in case Jackhole goes wandering around and tattles to my boss that I have been up from my desk for 20 minutes during Zone time. DUDE! You tell me that if you are bleeding from your colon that you would sit for the next hour waiting for Zone time to end. That stuff is not fun, and I cannot time my illness! Just as my boss said, he doesn’t care how many times I have to run to the bathroom, as long as I am there and getting my work done, he is happy. But having this jerk lean back and listen to every.. little.. conversation I have. Every little word I speak. EVERY COMMENT I MAKE… I just can’t handle it anymore. He has caused my work area to be a hostile environment, and I no longer care about the repercussions, I am going to HR and filing a complaint.

Now, this is the same man that harasses half of the office, it is not just me. He is cruel, and menacing for no reason. He has ZERO tact when it comes to working with others in the office, and not one sales rep wants their clients to go to him. They BEG for their clients to go to others, so despite the fact that I have training, and website audits, I have been taking more and more clients. He is also not getting new clients right now due to his outburst on one last week. Come on, dude.. you hang up on a client long before you scream at them. That is just NOT good business practice right there. I am too sick, too tired, and too good at what I do to be treated this way. The other people in the office do not deserve it one bit either. I really hope this doesn’t blow up in my face, but I am going to have to file this complaint. I need something to change, and soon. Otherwise, I am going to have to accept a role in another department, or somewhere else where I won’t have to deal with this kind of treatment. Nobody deserves this… Nobody deserves what I have. Nobody deserves how he treats me. The difference is that one is an autoimmune disease, and one is an asshole.

Is that so much to ask. ..

woman-hands-on-head-eyes-closedI haven’t posted in a few days, and though I’m going to post a much longer blog tomorrow I had to post about my woes.
My head has been hurting the last few hours, and I figured it was just from everything I had done, and I was running low on spoons. My right temple has been the worst, and about five minutes ago I found a flat, hard, quarter sized cyst building up right on top of my temple.  Looks like I’m doomed to suffer headaches at least temporally until it decides to heal.

One week.  An entire week.  That’s what I’m asking for. One week without any new issues. Is that so much to ask? ?

The Lake Went Dry…

A few years ago I went on a drive up to a lake with some of my family. Once we arrived, we saw that it had gone dry during the drought that Southern Utah was experiencing at that time. I started spouting off random dramatic sonnets, when I realized that it actually applied to many things. Here is what I came up with. Enjoy.

DLB2“I went to the lake that day, but it had gone dry. As I stared at the sandy bottom I thought to myself….. it seems even my pleasures had dried up with my dreams. Take myself out for a day of fun, but fun doesn’t seem to live here anymore. As I walked the path that used to lead me to cool refreshment I pondered how I had gotten here. What had I done to make my lake dry? What steps had I taken to drain my fountain of youth, and what will it take to make the waters flow freely again? I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could. As I squinted my eyes in the glare of the sun, I lost sight of my rock but only for a moment. As the pebble came crashing down into the earth, just as it seems my life had, I turned to leave…. but I stopped. If I leave this place and return to the desert that is my home, what have I accomplished? I saw this place as what I had lost, what I no longer had… But maybe it was the view and not the actual place that brought such sorrows. Perhaps if I look at it in another light, things would not seem so grim. As I looked to my feet, I saw glorious sparkles of light. Just beneath the sand, protruding slightly, was a coin. I picked up the coin, flipping it over in my hand… rolling it between my fingers. It was beautiful. I went to the lake that day, and I discovered wondrous things the water had kept hidden. I went home with many treasures that day.”

After Midnight…


After Midnight..

I have this theory
It’s irrational, unreasonable and likely intolerable.
You may not like it.. But it is mine.

I feel that the fine lines blur when love turns to hate
and life turns to waste… It’s inconceivable the things we do.

Take me for what I am, no matter the damage you discover.
Love me for who I was and who I have yet to become.
The me you see today is only temporary.

What I knew has become a foggy image of what I thought.. We never really know anything..
The pain you cause.. It’s unforgivable.

Let’s compare what I see in the mirror to the image perceived by you.. Do they coincide? I don’t think so.
It’s just not possible.

I have done unexpected things, felt unexpected dreams.. But haven’t we all? The limits are unimaginable.

I want to be the one who comes out with my head held high, no matter the turbulence of life, the lift, or the free fall.
The sudden changes.. are they manageable?

The scars I carry can not be seen, only felt by those who have seen the damage. It’s not pleasant.. but if you truly look.. it’s visible..

I have this theory..
It’s irrational, unreasonable and likely intolerable..
You may not understand it.. But it is mine.

I have this theory..
I have this theory..

Modern Day Torture Device

Anyone who has a rheumatic illness knows that one day your PCP is going to recommend you also start seeing a Rheumatologist. Yesterday was my day. I have had a pretty intense week, and I plan on filling you all in on this post, but I must preface something. I am very VERY sick today, and have many plans with family that I am going to try to keep, so I am going to go into my MRI today, and my results/Dr appointment tomorrow.

Let’s start off with Wednesday’s MRI. I have been vomiting at least twice a day since last Thursday, and Wednesday wasn’t any different. An apple, skittles, coffee, poweraid, and a banana all decided to jump ship that day and come back up anywhere between 5 minutes to an hour after being consumed. Needless to say, I was weak, tired, and sore. Arriving at the imaging center at 5pm, I walked in to an empty office, the sound of people laughing in the distance. I stood there for about 30 seconds before I called out to them. No answer. I had never been to this imaging center, and the waiting room seemed a bit small. Maybe I went in the wrong door. I exited the building and limped my way around to the other side. No door. Going back in the sliding doors, I could hear a woman laughing. I decided to venture behind the counter and peek down the hall I could hear the noise from, by thing time being about 5 minutes after I had arrived. “HELLO?” I called out while I turned the corner. There, sitting in chairs was male nurse, and the receptionist. Laughing. Hanging out. How professional.

We are going to skip the registration, and changing into the scrubs I needed for the MRI. Once inside the room the sweet faced technician helped me onto the bed and explained the procedure to me. She cracked a few jokes, obviously to make me feel more comfortable. Stuffing pillows all around me, and asking what music I wanted to listen to during the procedure, I realized she was such a pretty woman. Maybe about 32 or so. mri-10 (1) The look in her eyes made me feel as though she was a mother, as most people in this world can’t get that twinkle in their eye until they have felt the unconditional love for a child. This was very comforting. Slowly sliding into the MRI machine, the music came on. Not exactly what I was expecting from “Rock”, as it sounded more country, but ok. I was very comfortable, my left knee strapped inside a little box that would keep it from moving allow for the MRI to do it’s job.

I closed my eyes. Everyone I had talked to about getting an MRI said that it was relaxing, and they were actually able to fall asleep. I figured it would give me an hour or so without my babies to take a nap, and rest my poor tired bones. I heard the loud throbbing of the machine, and the vibrations begun. To my surprise I could actually feel the magnetism inside my legs, especially the one strapped down. Odd. I didn’t know you actually felt it. I closed my eyes again and tried to relax my body. I couldn’t. Opening my eyes I tensed my muscles. Nothing happened. I relaxed my muscles. Nothing. What the hell is going on? I felt the throbbing of the machine slowly moving up and down my body, the vibrations slightly shaking me, and that is when it hit me. The movement and magnate are making it so my muscles won’t relax. My muscles have been increasingly sensitive lately, to the point they have been often seizing up on me. I figuring laying here wouldn’t be problem. I sleep after all, right? What’s the difference? Movement. When you sleep and you need to move your muscles due to pain or irritation, your sleeping body will often adjust itself to relieve the pain and keep you sleeping. I am know to move in my sleep a lot due to this lovely thing happening inside my body. When I sit at my desk, or anywhere else, I often move my legs around to keep them from hurting. Realizing that I can only sit for so long without shooting pain, it hit me. I am laying in a vibrating magnate and I have to hold completely still for an hour. Shit.

Closing my eyes again, I tried to take my mind off the discomfort by listening to the music. I didn’t know the song playing in my ears, and I found it to be more irritating than relaxing. I felt my hands tense up and my arms begin to ache. Moving my arms from laying across my chest to above my head, this relieved the pain. Suddenly there was something I didn’t expect. Shooting pains. Through both my legs! My eyes shot open, and I gasped. I could feel my heart rate increase as the pain shoots through both legs. From my toes, to my knees, up to my hips and vibrating through my lower back, it felt like something was cutting through my bones, my veins, the tissue of my legs. They suddenly felt very heavy, as though they were dead, I had no control and no feeling except the stinging pain that burned inside me. I took a deep breath through my nose, and let it out slowly through my mouth. I moved my hands, clasping them together over my face. Breath. Just breath. It is just in your head. You are fine! They said you could nap. Just nap. Ignore the sensation. It’s not pain, just different. You are fine. As much as I tried to pep talk myself, nothing helped. I used the breathing techniques I learned when I was in labor with my children. 306235-11910-51 (1) I pushed through each wave of pain. Each knife through my legs. I want to say that I was strong! That I did a great job, and I never faltered, but that would be a lie. I fought back tears. My body was so tired and achy, and now I was paying over $1500 out of my pocket for this torture. With each wave, the pain increased. A few tears fell from my eyes, and my heart rate thumped faster and faster. I could feel the panic inside me, and realized that I, 28 years old who has been through hell and back, was having a mini panic attack inside an MRI machine. How terribly embarrassing. My mind ran across squeezing the button she gave me to stop the MRI, and take a break, but I was too stubborn. I needed to get through this!! I CAN GET THROUGH THIS!! Such a stubborn woman, I am.

I know that the sweet woman noticed that I was having a hard time, as she started to pipe in, and I heard her through my headphones. Thirty seconds on this one, and then five minutes on the next. Two more sessions to go before we switch legs. Oh thank god! I counted in my head as the throbbing and stabbing took over my senses. Stared at the tiles on the ceiling, and forced myself not to move. I wanted to kick my legs and scream. Kick the knives out my bones! Get all those tiny little blades out of me, and cry. But I didn’t. I stuck through it. I made it. I cannot describe the relief when I heard the machine shut off and her voice come over the fading music. All done with this leg! YES! Dear lord, that was hell. She came back into the room, and seeing the concern on her face, I could tell she was worried about the next session. I realized that it had been about 40 minutes since I entered the machine, which means she was giving me longer breaks than expected between scans. I wasn’t sure to be grateful or to be irritated that it was going to take so long, and she should have just pushed through it faster. I knew she was nervous about putting me back in as she removed all of the padding around me, and the torture box from my leg. I smiled at her.

“That was much more intense than I expected. I need to get up and walk around. I am sorry, I am having an RA flare today, so that was actually quite painful. Do you mind giving me a few minutes to recover before we go again?”

She smiled at me and assured me that we could take as long as I needed for anything. That we could even take a break after 15 minutes. Or longer between scans. I asked her for more upbeat music, as when a few of them came on, I had an easier time focusing because the beat moved in tune with the machine. -Headphones-Boobs-Women-Dark-Headphones-Girl-Lying-Down-Fresh-New-Hd-Wallpaper-- I think if I felt like maybe music was flowing through me instead, maybe I could handle it better. I stretched my legs, the extra large scrubs bagging off me, making my feet look as though they belonged to a small child. After a few deep breathes, I got back on the table. LET’S DO THIS SHIT! I thought to myself. She slid me back into the machine, and turned on the music. UPBEAT music that I knew the words to. Soooo much better. The pain was just as severe, but my ability to handle went up ten fold when I could sing along to the pain inside my body. Never had much faith in love or miracles! Never wanted to put my heart on the liiine! I told myself I was dancing inside. I love to dance, but have lost the ability to do so since my knees got so bad about 5 months ago. I can do a little knee bending and hip shaking, but only for so long before it hurts, and I always suffer the consequences later. I find that stupid.

After the MRI was over, I got dressed and headed back home to get ready for my date with Ryan (who ended up canceling because someone side swiped his car earlier, and he was very shaken up and vehicle free). I limped my way to the car, pain shooting through my legs with each step. Pushing in the clutch, pain shot through my body. I sat in the parking lot for a moment, and looked at the time. 7:08. I had arrived at 4:55 pm. Over two hours.. I did the math and realized that it took 1 hour and 45 minutes to do the actual MRI, which was supposed to take approx an hour. Realizing that my MRI technician was watching me suffer, and giving me as many breaks between scans that I needed comforted me. Knowing she was concerned about me, and didn’t want me to have a panic attack (though that would be bad for her as well) was very comforting. Though I thought to myself that I NEVER wanted another MRI, and I am going to yell at my co-workers who implied I could sleep through it, I knew that if I ever needed anything like this again, I would want the smiling mother to take care of it for me. If I ever had to put myself back into one of those terrible modern day torture devices, I will absolutely come back to this location.

MRI: Modern Day Torture Device.

Are you STILL sick?

Are you still sick?

I cannot express how much this question irritates me. As someone with a chronic illness, and who has been “chronically” sick over the last 9 or so years, constantly having the “flu” or a “stomach bug”, that is probably one of the most irritating questions anyone can ask me.  Are you still sick? – Yes. Because I am ALWAYS going to be sick. I am always going to be fighting a battle inside my body, that just because you can’t see, doesn’t mean it has gone away. Yes. Some days I am going to walk around with not a single symptom for you to see. I will look, sound, and act normal. But that does not mean that I am not sick. Inside my body EVERY DAY is pain. There is upset, there is chaos. It hurts to different levels, and some days are much more bearable than others, but it never stops.  Are you still sick?  Pfft.. it is like asking  Are you still alive?  If you can see me.. yes.

neck_painI know that people are unaware of their words, and most don’t know the difference between “Are you still sick?” and “Are you feeling any better?”, but there is a HUGE difference between the two for those of us with not only chronic illnesses, but chronic pain. Asking me if I am still sick makes me feel like it is something I have control over, and am neglecting to resolve. It is as if I can take a few pills, and resolve it, but I am refusing to treat myself and am allowing myself to be sick. It is like asking “Are you STILL not done with that report?” or “Are you STILL getting ready?”. Still implies that there is a end to reach. That this will be resolved, and it is a controllable issue. Yes.. I am STILL sick, and I will ALWAYS be sick. There are some days that I am feeling much better than others, and days I can barely move.  Yes.. I am still sick.

I don’t mean to be such a picky person, but I have been hearing these types of things for years. My immune system has slowly been going downhill for such a long time, that when I fell ill over two years ago, I felt like it was something I should be able to fix. People don’t seem to realize the battle I was fighting inside to “get over this”. Mind over matter, right? Before I even hit rock bottom, I had heard “Are you sick AGAIN?” and “How do you keep getting so sick?” over and over, year after year.  Before I thought I was chronically sick, but now I know I am chronically ill. So what is the difference between being sick and being ill?


1. The condition of being sick; illness.
2. A disease; a malady.
3. Nausea.
4. A defective or unsound condition.


a. Poor health resulting from disease of body or mind; sickness.
b. A disease.
2. Obsolete Evil; wickedness.

sick-womanLooking at the simple definitions, one would think that it wouldn’t make a difference when it comes to the choice of words. Sick or ill? Don’t they mean the same thing? At face value? Yes. Upon further research (Which I did because I hate feeling like an asshole), I found there is for SURE a difference. As you poke around the internet using those two terms, you start to be lead two very different ways. Sickness leads you down the round of cures, remedies, ways to find the solution; To treat and PREVENT return. Parasites, allergies, intestinal yeast.  All of these things can be treated, and be prevented in the future. Allergies being the most chronic, but still easy to treat. I have allergies, and I do NOT consider it a chronic illness, or even a chronic sickness. It is a reaction to a state of my environment. It can be easily treated and taken care of. I have always had allergies, and have never had anyone ask me, “Do you STILL have allergies?” because we ALL know allergies are situational, and easily taken care of and they are an acute sickness. Wait.. What? Acute? Oh, there is a word we have yet to include in the conversation yet.  Acute. It is the opposite of chronic. So what does it mean? Let’s keep this simple.

In medicine, an acute disease is a disease with a rapid onset and/or a short course.
chronic condition is a human health condition or disease that is persistent or otherwise long-lasting in its effects.[1] The term chronic is usually applied when the course of the disease lasts for more than three months.[1]Common chronic diseases include arthritis, asthma, cancer, COPD, diabetes and HIV/AIDS.

Most times when people are sick they are experiencing symptoms that are and are going to be short lived. The flu. A cold. Any type of virus, or bacteria. These are going to cause someone to get sick for a short period of time, can either be treated or run it’s course, and may or may not affect the person again in the future. An illness generally implies that this is going to be long lived, is incurable, and will be chronic. It will always be there, it is not going to leave the host, and is generally going to be the system attacking itself. I have a Rheumatic Illness, this means that my body is attacking itself, and there is no cure. I will always be “ill”, my symptoms varying based on how my body decided to react that day. There are ways that I can avoid flare ups, try to prevent additional pain, and handle a flare when it does happen. sick I also have Celiac disease, which is much different. Celiac is a chronic illness, however the treatment is simple. Don’t eat gluten. So much easier said than done, but can be done in general. As long as you avoid gluten your body will be fine, and you can live a symptom free normal life. Now, with how I just described sickness, this can fall into the same category. The only issue is that Celiac Disease is actually an autoimmune disease. But I digress… let’s get back to what I was saying, and we will go into Celiac in another blog post.

When it comes to technicalities, I can go on and on all day. But my feelings aren’t a technicality, and my day to day illness cannot just be snapped away. At the end of the day, questions that imply that I have ANY control over this illness does nothing but cause hurt, guilt, and misery. Ask anyone with a chronic illness, especially one with chronic pain how the word “still” hurts them in other ways. Each and every one can give you multiple of examples of how this word has turned so ugly in their world, and can cause a whole new level of emotional pain. All I really want is for people to have a bit of tact, and consider the feelings of those of us who have to “still” be sick every. single. day.

Are you still sick?  Yes.

Can never undo what has been done.

My heart sways back and forth on happiness of being single, loss of someone I love and damaged, and wanting to find someone new. I am at a point where I have accepted that I am sick. I know what I have, I am preparing myself for the struggles, and I have been able to narrow down what is going to get me through most days. Today I am nauseated, and my joints hurt. I know not to take my pain meds, as the nausea will worsen, but to eat small amounts of foods my body is used to until the nausea subsides. Only then can I address the pain. This is something I have learned about my body, and my illness. I know how to walk when my knees hurt, when to rest my hands, and how to sit when my lower back just won’t stop throbbing.

I have also learned and realized that I want to share my life with someone. Not just anyone, but someone I love and someone who loves me. I simply do not know how to find this. The other issue is that I am not anywhere near over the heartache I feel for the loss and damage that was my relationship with Jeff. I would love to stand up and say that I am strong, that I don’t need him, and I am better off without him. love-wallpaper-32 However.. I cannot. Again, deep inside I feel like I know things would not have worked out with him, but I don’t. What I do know is that I tore apart someone who loved me, and threw him into the arms of a perfect stranger. I know that no matter what I tell myself, when I am intoxicated, or watching a love story, anything that lowers my walls and allows me to feel my emotion, it falls back to him. I hate it! I hate it SO bad!

I can handle my illness. Most days.. as I said, I am dealing with it, and getting used to it. I can handle my general life struggles, and I can deal with most of what is thrown at me. But what I cannot handle is the hole inside me that was left when I threw this man out of my life. It WAS me. I did it. It was my decision.. and it was likely the biggest mistake I made in my life. As much as I hate to admit it.

Today I am going to the Dr’s to address the damage in my knees, and possibly get an MRI, or at least schedule one. I am aware that we can’t undo the damage that has been done, however I am positive, as I know that regardless of what the results are, it is moving towards healing. It is going to help me cope, and function on a higher level. It will increase my knowledge of what is going on inside me, and be able to treat the damage done. What I can’t help feeling is that I threw away something that could have been, and SHOULD have been an amazing relationship; whether we were together or just friends. I am not sure if I miss him on a romantic level, or just friendship, I just know my heart aches for him. He wants nothing to do with me, and though I don’t blame him, I wish that weren’t so.

I find myself sitting with a lump in my throat multiple times a day. Comparing the men I meet with him. Stacking them up to the love I felt for him, and finding that they are falling short in so many ways. So why was I not satisfied with him? Because I was not satisfied with my life at the time, and he was a big part of my life. Because I let so many outside factors destroy a love I have never felt, and will likely never feel again. Because I let my insanity and pain influence the way I handled all things in my life at that time. And when he moved on, my jealousy threw the remaining hope of any relationship out the window. I regret many things. I can handle many things. But the regret I feel for this continues to be unbearable, and I know I can never undo what was done.

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