What Goes Up, Must Come Down…

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They say what goes up must come down. The one question I have is: How far up do you need to be before you come down? It seems to me that my up is not very far, while others have ups so high they are unreachable. Their downs are mere inconveniences, while mine are full on gut wrenching. Literally. As thankful as I am for all of the capabilities I still have, I can’t help but get upset when I am down just after getting up. I am on both an emotional, and physical roller-coaster. I can’t help but picture Wile E Coyote with one of his random inventions; so excited with high hopes in his eyes, only to immediately crash and burn. Wile-E-CoyoteThe big difference is that my crash and burn is not NEARLY as humorous as his. Maybe it is to some… but only people to like to watch me suffer. That sounds awful, but I don’t so easily brush off the idea that those people don’t exist. O_O My ups and downs are going to vary, just like anyone else’s, but one day I would like to at least come to a full standing before I am knocked down again. There are times that I accidentally knock myself down, times that life knocks me down, and times others knock me down. Regardless of who knocks me, I am still going down.

Today I experienced every emotion, though I had physical ailments that really put a damper on anything I was doing in general. Started off late to work (Surprise, surprise that illness has killed my punctuality), and sore as well. My body has not liked much of anything lately. I have a constant upset stomach, sore muscles, and pretty much a relentless headache. This makes it hard to sleep, and hard to wake up. This also makes it hard to eat, hard to drink coffee, and other such things that will wake me up. Right now my whole life is nothing short of difficult. This difficulty did not stop once arriving to work.

At my place of work, I am a jack of all trades. I wear many hats, and I am generally good at it. My illness has absolutely slowed me down, but it has not stopped me. Luckily, even in my slowed state, right now I am appreciated to the point that they continue to rely on me for important tasks. These tasks were pushed a bit today, however, even for someone in perfect health. I arrived to two trainees who I was under the impression would not be at my location until the afternoon. This meant I had to entertain them temporarily until they were to head off to the corporate office. (Btw – This makes NO sense to me. They come to my office for an hour, then have to drive 30 minutes North to the main office, and back. I don’t see why they start employment with such a hassle.) paperwork I then needed to update and rewrite about 1/4 of my 80 page training manual for recent changes to our platform, and ways Account Managers perform their jobs. Being the trainer, and having two trainees fresh out from under my wing, I was interrupted multiple times despite having my headphones on, music blasting and being obviously “in the zone”. I guess being willing to drop what I am doing 99% of the time for my team members kinda makes it less obvious than I would have liked it to be. One of these interruptions was an escalation. Oh fun!

Spending the better part of an hour getting yelled at by a man who had only been a client for a week, yet expected us to have provided him the world at this point, was not quite the best step in the day that would be yet another roller-coaster. The man couldn’t even get my name right. I was called many names, including but not limited to, “Kim, Ryan, and Drew”, but not my name. Once I was finished with said call, to which everyone on the call floor poked fun at me for how many times I had to repeat my own name, and his when trying to get the ranting to stop and reel the man back in, I was able to finish the updates just in time for printing and assembly! Once I hit print, I gathered all of the things I would need to complete the manuals, and begin my afternoon training. “Printer is Offline”. >__< Cancel, move to floating drive, jump on rooted computer and print. Just as I finished this process, my trainees started to come through the door. Not only were there the two trainees for my department, but two for an equivalent department in the corporate office, and one for our Premium department. I had agreed to the additional three trainees just that morning (Because I am insane), and I am sure the frazzled woman they saw before them was not the most impressive introduction to new hire training. 273457944_552b35fe15_b This was followed by multiple hiccups, random events, and other such fun that didn't make the rest of the day as fun as it could be. There were many stresses today, yet I pushed through them and I was very proud of myself.

By the time I got home, my abdomen was swelling, I was sore, and pretty exhausted. I set my bags down, promised my kids a snack after I used the restroom, and took off upstairs. I was so busy today, I barely had time to even use the bathroom, so as a single mom I was borderline excited for some alone time. This was until I realized why my abdomen was so swollen. I am not going to deny, when I saw the blood I was more than just a little upset. I cursed many times, and borderline started to tear up. Every time I discover gastrointestinal bleeding I am reminded that days like these take a toll on my body in many ways. Ways I feel immediately, ways I feel the next day, but also ways I can't really do anything about or don't really notice until it is too late. I always know I have not only pushed myself too far, but have actually hurt myself inside when I see this. My whole body aches, my head is pounding, and now I realize that tomorrow is going to be even harder on me. This also means I can't do anything else tonight. I can't go grocery shopping like I had planned. I can't cook dinner for my kids. I really can't do much of anything at all if I want to be able to perform tomorrow. The three trainees from the Corporate office, if trained well, can prove that I deserve a bigger role in not only my department's new hires, but new hires across the entire company. I need to be my best this week, or at least a level of functional that will be able to hide how sick I am. Tonight I am stressed, tired, emotionally worn down due to other circumstances I can't even go into in this blog post, and worried about tomorrow. About this week.

How far do I have to fall before I can get back up? Because I am ready to get back up now.

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Pains

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Pain. That is what I feel today. Stomach pain. Bone pain. Muscle pain. Emotional pain.

It has all become too familiar, but even with familiarity, it is sometimes so much to handle. The stomach ache I have has been going on for four days now. I haven’t been vomiting anymore, but the pain hasn’t stopped. I have been taking Pepto non stop for the last few days, but ran out earlier this morning. I suffered through the pain, telling myself it would go away at any time. I was wrong. I turned to my best friend Google, and asked for some help. Based on the research and results I got, it was either constant vomiting to release the stomach acid, and cause further damage to my already tender throat, or try baking soda in water. Needless to say, I just chugged over 16 oz of water, then another 8 with about a teaspoon of baking soda in it. Disgusting stuff!

As I was sitting here, waiting for the acid to calm down, I realized I had been chugging water all day trying to keep as much of the fire down. Heading to the bathroom my legs ached, and my stomach turned. I can’t stand up all the way, as when I do I feel a tearing through my insides that I just can’t bear! 6610982-young-corpulent-caucasian-woman-in-underwear-with-stomach-ache Once in the bathroom I look around at all the chaos my kids have caused, even to such a tiny room. The mirrors are smeared, counters stained. They just broke the door to the cupboard below the sink by swinging on it earlier this week. How will I fix this? As I go to finish up, I notice there is blood. Hmmm.. I am not due to start for another week or so. I feel the pain through my lower abdomen again, and I realize where the blood is coming from. Faaaantastic! Acidic insides do wonders for my already damaged body. I should probably check out how much blood there is. Thankfully it wasn’t that much, though much more than I would have preferred. Bloody stool is the most awesome thing ever, right?

I wander back into the livingroom and sit down to watch a movie with my oldest daughter. She can tell something is wrong, but I just wave my hands. As my bones settle into the couch, my left thigh aches. There are many pains that I have that I have a hard time explaining to people around me. If you haven’t felt it before, then you simply won’t get how it feels. Bone pain is one of those. It’s like muscle pain.. but in your bones. Bone pain is one of the weirdest pains I have ever felt. It’s such a deep, and uncontrollable pain. Joint and muscle pain and be relieved by rubbing, or applying some direct pain relief rub on it. Bone pain is much different, as there is nothing you can do to relieve that pressure. That aching inside you! You just have to wait it out, and hope that it doesn’t come back. My bone pain generally doesn’t last that long; just little spurts in different areas of my body, mostly my legs. I get bone pain now and then in my clavicle, and sternum, but again.. it is short lived. Tonight it is also short lived, which I am thankful for.

I pulled out my laptop and decided I was going to blog. Blog about what? I just know I wanted to get some relief while I am waiting for all of the different pains to subside. Allergy medication. Pain medication. Baking soda water. Yummy. I am in desperate need of a shower, as I have been lounging around in misery for almost three days. Minus my trip to the ER on Friday night due to a lovely 3 year old’s bowling ball head to my face. Part of the joys of being a mom with RA? Trying to play with your kids, and dropping one on your face. She wiggled herself around in my hands as I held her up in the air, and I lay below her. If I had better hands I never would have lost my grip. Now my nose is just slightly more crooked than it was before, and I have been suffering from a terrible headache since. baking-powder_300 Such my luck, is it not? What can go wrong in my life, will. Is it a lack of luck, or just a pull in the universe that just happens to pull in my disfavor? Whatever it is, it is my life, so I am better off just accepting it.

Now that I am winding down for the night, I just want to put all my pain to rest. A nice hot shower after the pain pills and baking soda take effect, and sleep alone in a giant t-shirt. I will snuggle up with my multiple pillows, and sing soft love songs in my head. Maybe I will let myself cry for a moment or two, just to let the emotional pain out. Anyone who reads my blog knows what I am speaking of, and I need not elaborate any further on that “dead horse”. So, as I wind up this blog and go in search of images I feel will fit my point, I think of tomorrow and the possible pain it will bring. Will my stomach feel better tomorrow? Will I even be able to sleep tonight? What kind of pain do I get to look forward to tomorrow? Manageable? Unbearable? Whatever tomorrow brings, I will have no choice but to grin and bear it anyway. I get to try to manage my stomach acid pains. Monitor my bleeding. Decide if it is worth taking pain meds during work hours, as it will make me much spacier than I would like. Decisions. Decisions.. Decisions.

At 28 years old, I feel like I shouldn’t have to make these types of decisions. Yet, here I am. Decided how to manage my pain. My unrelenting, unstoppable… pain.