It Is Ok…

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So the day of love has come and passed, and couples everywhere shared moment of bliss, joy, bitterness, hate, fights, make up sex, etc. High pressure holidays always result in tension, and I am positive that not only did yesterday bring together beautiful couples, happiness and joy, but also tore fragile ones apart. valentines-day-couple-1920x1080 Regardless, I had not experience of the sort. Though I was convinced to go on a date with a man who claims himself to be ‘enamored’, he had to cancel at the last minute due to being called into work. I can’t say I wasn’t relieved, simply because I really didn’t want to have to give into this pressure. “Here are some flowers! Here is an expensive dinner! Desert! Love! Affection! Now.. suck my dick. Do something with my genitals! I have earned it!” – The pressure is out of control, and this lady refuses to give into it. Plus, my arthritis prevents me from getting on my knees.. so your are SOL, buddy.

I spent the night with my girls. We started with a viewing of the classic version of “The Jungle Book” in a local theater, followed by dinner and our typical movie night together. I have to say I loved it. I have spend every day this week after work with my girls, and trying to show them that we can still do fun things. My body aches today, I am sore and out for the count, but I feel I accomplished many things. Last weekend I did a photo shoot for “Lovely” to give to her husband for V-day. I have to say it was so much fun, but it did take a lot out of me. This was followed by the birthday party and other such things I just realized I went through in my last post. This week I spent hours editing and approving 60 photos for the v-day love surprise, so my hands are a bit sore. But most of the time was spent with my girls, snuggling, shopping, eating, and watching movies. As much as I wish it was hiking, building snowmen, igloos and other such winter activities I cannot force myself to do these things. I know my kids are missing out, but I truly hope that what I can do for them is enough. I guess it is the feelings and love they experience during the activity, and not the activity itself. Hopefully this worked.

Love comes in so many forms, and can be found/lost so easily, it is funny to think of how fragile it really is. Love can withstand so many trials, hurt, pain, and the ups and downs of life. unhappy-valentines-day-couple-horiz However, you add one little crack and if it is not attended to, it can quickly cause the entire thing to fall apart. Such a sneaky little chip in what we once thought the most amazing feeling and emotion we have ever felt can cause us to feel the most pain we ever have. Whether that chip be fear, distrust, or any other negative feelings, it can completely destroy a once life motivating feeling. We can feel as though our soul has been ripped out. On V-day, I loved spending time with my beautiful little girls, but my mind kept drifting off to Horse. I know that our relationship was filled with chips, scratches, holes, and even giant gaping windows. There was little solidity to our relationship, and our love was SO fragile, that it completely came apart so quickly! Once it was hit, it was done. Over. So over that he immediately sought love with another (whom he is still with), and never looked back. I was angry, hurt and at that time just so through with our love!

It was inevitable that our love was doomed from the start. It started on an odd note, had many hiccups that should have ended it, and then finally just broke. photos_couple What I don’t understand is why there is this lingering chunk of love. Why do I still feel this sliver of love, and adoration for him? WHY do I still wish to see him, speak to him, and share my life with him? It is insanity, and I am convinced it needs to be cured. My physical pain is lingering and never subsides. Why one earth must I have this “love” pain along with it? Perhaps it is that he is the only saving grace I had during my downfall, even though at time he tormented me with his strange emotion. Looking back at all the behavior, and knowing what I know now, I am aware that he is mentally and emotionally unstable. Yet so am I… and I am also physically unstable. Valentines day is a day to be thankful for those you love, and care for. I know it is pushed and pushed as a holiday you pour your love into money, and that money into gifts. The better and bigger gifts, the better ‘spouse’, ‘parent’, ‘friend’ you are, however I disagree. I love my friends and family. I love my babies. I love my co-workers. I love my Horse. And that is ok.

It is ok to love. It is ok to love more on Valentines Day. It is ok.

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I Will Go Down With This Ship…

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Warning: Another silly post about my “Dead Horse” and my ridiculous undying love for him. Don’t read on if you are bored easily by silly girl love.

I can’t deny that every time a start to get close to having feelings for a man, they start to piddle off into nothing again. Yes, I love to be kissed, and held just as everyone else does and I do cave from time to time and allow someone to feed my desires. Especially with being as sick as I have become, and continue to be, it is wonderful to be held, even if it is only by someone who wants you for one thing. I know that my heart belongs to another, and as much as I have tried endlessly to get over him and move on, I can’t. This is not due to a lack of suitors, as my friends often tease me about my “slew of men” I have pining after me (which I don’t see why at this point) but due to the fact that I feel pain and sometimes even guilt when I am with another. I see him in my head. I see every Infinity that drives past me, or is parked anywhere in eye sight. I am such a silly and stupid girl for doing what I did to him, and even though I know I never would have made him happy, I wish he was still mine. I will always be his, and I am having the hardest time coming to terms with it.

sad-contemplative-korean-woman-lying-in-bedI dream of him often. I have dreamt of him every day for the last week. I wake up feeling melancholy and remorseful. I feel both comfort and pain knowing that someone else can be for him what I was not able to be. I miss his children, and I often wonder how they are. Did they ever test his youngest for autism? How are his middle child’s teeth? Is his daughter still in choir? How are her headaches doing? Do they miss me, too? I don’t know, because I was so emotionally afraid of admitting that I loved them all so much for fear of them being taken from me. Now I feel that pain always, and as much as I try not to think about it, my sleeping self refuses to let me convince myself I have let them all go. I miss movie night, with all of the children cuddled up watching Disney movies. I miss camping with them. I miss seeing their faces, and hearing their silly little jokes. I miss them telling me adorable little stories. I miss him brushing my hair out of my face, and looking deep into my eyes. I was afraid of the feelings he stirred in me, and I pushed them all down, and him away. Now they have risen inside me in their absence, and I am all too familiar with the feeling. I can never go back to that family. I caused far too much destruction in my exit, that I feel I can never be forgiven. I don’t know if I deserve it. I have many struggles in life right now, but I can say that the pain I feel from messing up my chance with him.. with them.. is far more painful than any flare I have.

This morning a song came to mind that can describe how I am feeling right now. I know that I will always love them, and nothing can change that. I expect nothing in return ever again, but I will go down with this ship. Here are the lyrics, with the official music video below. Despite my dramatic connection to this song, it is lovely in general. Dido is one of my favorite singers. Enjoy.

“White Flag” – Lyrics provided by A to Z Lyrics.

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be