My Lovely…

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A little known fact about me is that every Sunday morning I check for new post secrets, reading through them slowly and allowing myself to both relate, and feel for the people who have sent them in. This morning I found one that hit me in a special part of my heart that I hold for those that I love. The post secret read: “I get angry at every mother who doesn’t love her children as much as I would love mine, If I could have them.” I felt this stinging inside me that only exists because of the suffering and pain I have seen loved ones go through. One in particular is a close friend of mine. We will refer to her as “Lovely”. Lovely is young, beautiful, and married to a man she loves dearly. She has always wanted children, but unfairly discovered that it is very unlikely she will be able to carry a baby full term. Lovely is a wonderful woman, and would make an amazing mother. She suffers with the pain of endometriosis, which can make it difficult to both concieve, and carry a baby to full term. For those who do not know what this is, let’s define it:

post secretEndometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop. Fortunately, effective treatments are available.

Though there are treatments, they can often leave you infertile as well, and so attempting to treat your body naturally is a good starting point to allow your body to accept implantation of a fertilized egg. Using drugs and other scraping treatments CAN work, but are not a guarantee. Here is why this occurs:

Implant Secretions

The endometrial tissue secretes many important hormones that help facilitate pregnancy. The endometrial implants secret these same hormones, but instead of secreting them into the uterus where they belong, they’ll secrete them into the abdominal cavity or other parts of the body. These misplaced hormones may interfere with the pregnancy process. In addition, the implants often secrete hormones later than the cells lining the womb. This may cause the body to become confused and continue ovulating, even though a fertilized egg has already been implanted. When this occurs, the uterus sheds the old lining, including the egg, and a very early miscarriage results.

holding_back_lgI have seen this process with Lovely, and my heart breaks for her. She tries so hard to hide while we are together, but I can see it inside her. She is a strong and wonderful person, and I love her dearly. Each time we discuss her issues, I cannot help but feel a pain inside me because of how fertile I have been. I have the EXACT opposite issue as Lovely, and though I am perfectly aware neither of us have control over it, I cannot help but feel a twinge of guilt as I remember the anger I felt with each unexpected and inconvenient pregnancy. I have never known what it is like to be elated to be having a child. Now I wish I was healthy, and that I could carry her child for her and her husband. I have such an ability to create life, that I would gladly accept an implantation of their egg and sperm, and grow life for them. At this point I would not be able to carry a child without risking health for both the baby and myself. I wish I know someone who loved her as much as I did and was healthy, and willing to provide to her the life she wants so badly! She deserves a baby! She deserves to hold a precious baby in her arms, and give it the love that radiates from her.

She has become one of my best friends over the last few months, and though many of our life views are different, we respect each other enough that it makes no difference in our friendship. I believe in stricter gun laws (not to the extent the government wants right now, but a bit tighter process to receive a gun.) and she does not. I am Pro-Choice, and for obvious reasons, she is not. She is religious, and has a strong faith in her beliefs. I am not religious at all. I have good personal reasons for that, and she respects them. I love finding people who are so like me in so many ways, and has the same level of respect for others that I do to accept differences. This opens up so many ways in which one is able to love, and care for people. She is Lovely, and she is My Lovely. And I wish I could give her a baby. I wish I could give her TEN babies! I wish I could give her those adorable little boys that will grow up into linebackers, playing professional football and making their mama proud! I am not a religious person, but I pray to the universe for her. I wish for her body to accept a baby, and grow. I send out as many positive vibes as I know how, and I have cried for her.

As I have become more and more sick, I have also become more and more open to love. I am not the same person I was even a year ago, and if I was still that person I would not be able to accept and love as I do right now. three-women-laughing I would distance myself from Lovely due to the inability to accept any feelings that would have been seen as a weakness to me before. I am so glad that I allow myself to feel this now. I be the strong woman I am, but to love and feel what is around me. I would be missing out on so much that Lovely alone gives to me. Together Lovely, a friend we will refer to as Princess, and me would not have the bond that we do. I know that Princess loves Lovely as much as I do, and I love Princess just as much as I love Lovely! I have made two amazing friends, and I know that Princess prays for Lovely! I know that she knows the joys of parenthood, and wishes with all her heart that our dear Lovely could feel that for herself.

So, in conclusion, I am asking anyone who reads this blog to think of Lovely and regardless of your religion or lack there of, send what you can from your heart to this wonderful woman. I love her so much, and if you can feel ANY of this love from me right now, don’t feel it FOR me. Feel love WITH me, and send it to her.

Send it to My Lovely!

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Don’t stop believing…

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Last night I got sad.. so I got drunk. Very.. very.. very.. drunk. I got drunk and I watched TV alone. It was sad, to say the least. Then I got a text. A text from someone I have not heard from for awhile; someone I have known and loved for half my life. Morgan.
dontstop Now Morgan.. is my biggest fan. I say this because no matter where I have been in life, what I am doing, or who I am with, Morgan has always been super supportive, and been behind me 100% on everything I do. He has been nothing short of amazing when it comes to boosting me up, and making me feel special. Morgan is wonderful. Though last night things changed. (Kind of)

He called me after I text him back with pure excitement, and immediately asked me what was wrong with me. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” – This kind of shocked me, as Morgan is usually all hearts and rainbows with me.

“Umm.. I am drunk?”

“NO! Not tonight, I mean in general. Who are you? WHAT have you become?!? What is going on with you over there? Where did you go?”

“I didn’t go anywhere. I still live in the same place I have for two years now.. nothing is going on. I am drinking alone. It’s not sad. It’s romantic. I love me.”

“Becca.. No. That is not what I mean…” Morgan continued to tear me down for every last Facebook post and Note I have written. He told me I have become depressing, and that as much as I would like to pretend it doesn’t, it does affect other people. That there are people in this world who find their hope from my strength, and my ability to take on the world. “You are letting everyone down! You are better than this!!”

pleading-woman-120329I tried to tell him of all the things that are going on. My broken body, my broken heart. He didn’t want to listen. He kept telling me how much he loves me, and how wonderful I am. That the person that I really am is still inside me, but I have stifled her with this “sad fucking person” I have become. He speaks of me often to his new love interest, and he wants her to meet me, but not like this. Not like how I am now. I am hiding who I am behind all of these excuses. All of this sadness.

Again, I tried to stop him and explain how much pain I am in. Both physical and emotional. His response? “You have never let anything stop you before!! Why are you letting it now?” – You know what? This is true. I never have let anything stop me before, so why am I letting it now? Why am I letting this illness stomp all over me, and (as he put it) stifle me? I had nothing to say back to him. He was right. Tough love… it always gets me. After 14 years, he knew how to pull me out of it. I can’t get his words out of my head today. He repeated them to me until I repeated them back. Then he repeated them again. And again.

“Jeff is gone. What you had is over, and that is ok. Let it be. Let it go. You are sick. It is what it is. Don’t let it hold you back, don’t let it take you down. Let it go. You can do this!”

YOU CAN DO THIS.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

You.. can.. do.. this.

I can do this.

Capture5I know this isn’t going to fix my body. This is not going to heal all of the emotional wounds left behind, but it’s a start. Having someone who has and always will care for me call me in the middle of the night to tell me to stop being a baby, and get my shit together was exactly what I needed. I know he did it for me. He didn’t do it for himself. We don’t see each other often, and my general attitude would have no affect on his daily life. But he knows I am hurting. He could see how low I was getting, and he wanted to put a stop to it. It may sound silly, and it may not be accurate.. but this is the most loved I have felt in months. Genuine, selfless love.

Oh, Morgan. You saved me last night, and you don’t even know it.