Dear Facebook..

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Visceral hypersensitivity. I was told about 6 weeks ago I have this. It is directly related to IBS, and is easier for me to just call it severe IBS. Technically it isn’t.

Link below.

http://gut.bmj.com/content/48/1/125.full

Read.

Learn.

Understand.

I have this. It is very much related to everything else I deal with. I still have the other stuff. That did not go away either. I am treating them. Working on them. Dealing with them daily. I am glad I am feeling better than I was before. That being said…

It pretty much will control my life until I get it under control. Even then, it will control nearly everything I do. What I eat. Where I go. WHEN I go. What I do when I am there.

woman-frustrated-frustration-angry-argh-laptop-notebook-600x400 There is no quick or easy fix. For any of these. It takes time. Healing. Finding the right diet balance. Maybe the right medication. Maybe a nice mix of both.

Elimination. Additions. Testing. Food journals. Successes. Failures. Relapses. Anger. Frustrations. None of this is easy, or fun. I know I am no longer fun either. I can see it in your face. Hear it in your voice. Notice it in your absences.

How will I get back to normal? I won’t know until I get there…

I am not asking for you to be sorry for me, just to understand me. If you don’t want to know how I am, don’t ask. I will tell you. Sometimes I politely say “Fine” because I know that is what you want to hear.. but I would prefer you just don’t ask me. We can still talk and hang out, but understand that if I don’t come, I am not rejecting your invites to be a jerk. Why stop inviting me? Because I am no longer fun.

I want to go. I want to be fun. I want to be there. My wants don’t control my body anymore. You think it is a choice? You think I do this to myself? No. Educate yourself.

So…

Quit being a jerk to me about it. If you can’t handle it, then don’t pretend to still be interested in my friendship. Walk away. I would rather lose you than think you are on my side, when really you are behind my back mocking me. Talking about me. Saying those terrible things that just aren’t true because you are ignorant to what is happening. Just walk away. Walk away and stop being fake. You’re not doing anyone a favor. Not me, and not you.

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I’m Just That Kind Of Person…

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I often think about writing motivational speeches to myself, even with the knowledge that is total bs, just in hopes that I’ll actually believe myself one day.

12.21.TrulyMotivationalSpeech_670556961 Not the standard “you can”, “you are”, “just keep swimming” speeches, but intense, long ones with specifics about my life. I am aware “positive thoughts bring positive forces” is actually only your perspective of a situation. Someone trying to merge in front of you on the freeway would be nothing to bother with one day, but on a bad day it could result in the morning being even more ruined!!! Bad things happen all around us every day, and so do good. It just depends on what you think of that moment. See? Some kind of motivating blah blah, though these are already my daily goings about.

My problem is that even when written by me, taking about my goals… I’ll still think it’s total bs. I’m just that kind of person.

It’s All Moving Too Fast..

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Groggy and still a little drugged from my nighttime muscle relaxer, I wandered into the bathroom. My guts churned and growled at me as I took each painful step. I’m used to the pain in my feet in the morning. Same old, same old. As I finish my painful, and awakening business on the toilet, I looked at my scale right next to be. “I wonder how much I weigh…”
Pulling the scale out, I laid it flat on the floor, sighed, and stepped on. I stood up straight for about 5 seconds then looked down. download “Uhhh… that can’t be right.” I had weighed myself Friday, and was down 20 in the last 5 weeks. Let’s try this again. Step off. Move slightly around in case the floor was not leveled and the cause for the results. Back on. Same weight. Moved. Same. Moved again. Same. I had lost 5 pounds in three days.

As someone who gained 80 lbs in a year from illness, it’s nice to see that I’m losing weight… but this fast? Last night I had taken an epsom salt bath that had resulted in black water afterward. Not the best thing.. but to lose weight this fast concerns me! The only thing I can think of is that for one, I’m very sick and eating healthier… which still makes me sick. For two, the obstruction in my colon was gone, and allowing my body to process the foods I eat, instead of holding onto them. Then burning the fat instead of feeding myself toxins non stop.

As happy as I am today that people have begun to notice the change, I’m still hurting. I have fissures through my entire colon. Internal hemorrhoids. Polyps. It’s going to take months to heal. Using the bathroom feels like FIRE! But at least I’m getting skinny, right? Hmm… it hurts. If I have to go through this the entire time until I’m thin again? I just want to stay fat instead…

I Am Literally Broken…

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As someone with chronic illness, I often refer to myself as broken. My immune system does not function properly, and this makes me feel broken. It is broken. I am broken. I suffer from both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis. Celiac disease, pelvic congestion disorder, ovarian cysts, chronic sebaceous cysts, fibromyalgia, and was recently told to go get tested for both crohns and ulcerative colitis. A few weeks ago I spent the night in the ER due to unmanageable lower abdominal pain. I figured it was an ovarian cyst or two being a huge pain and refusing to pop, or had popped and was doing something crazy inside to cause the pain. The only reason I went in is that it had suddenly worsened and had no reaction to any of the pain meds I fed it. I had been having severe but manageable abdominal pain for about 4 days, and was eating as raw as I possibly could, but this was FAR more than anything I had experienced in this location for years! This, however, was not a cyst. It was not my bladder or my kidneys. It was not anything they could find in my blood, minus some inflammation. Nothing else was going on that they could find, and like I said, they suggested I get tested for crohns and ulcerative colitis. curled up in pain The pain was awful. They sent me home with lortabs and a suggestion to see my Dr. I knew it was pointless right now, and I hate my gastroenterologist. I figured if it kept going like this for more than a week, I would have no choice to go. It has since calmed down, and though I plan on finding a new gastro, I have yet to do so.

Over the last few weeks I have had my moments of pain, of good days, terrible days, and everything in between. I have been in and out of team lead meetings, rewriting training manuals, etc. It has been full of team lunches, fun work games, taking kids out to the park, bbqs, and other things that reminded me that though I am sick, life is great. I made the decision to send my oldest off to her grandparents house for the summer. She has been doing typical teenage girl things; screaming, crying, fits, boys, friends, breaking rules, etc. She was a bit upset with me, but right now I feel it really is the best choice for her at this time. Her family was so excited to be able to see her, and my little girls could really use a break from the overly reactive bigger sister. We love our sissy girl, but a summer of 9 hours a day at home alone, no supervision and a boyfriend within walking distance? I think not. I just couldn’t.

This week has been full of escalations, meetings, and investors coming through the office. I have been backed up with client meetings but doing a pretty good job. I am proud to say I have saved the company I work for over a grand this week alone, and resolved multiple client concerns. I really like being the escalations manager, and though some clients I talk to frustrate me, I am really good at hiding it and keeping my cool. I leave work feeling like I have accomplished so much when I have made a client happy and saved our company having issues. On that note, I am still getting new clients for me to manager sent my way now and then. After my Welcoming Call on Wednesday, I rushed into a team meeting I was late for. We are reworking the way our department functions on a daily basis which is going to allow us to be more productive and possibly grow at a faster rate. I hit right at the end, got the general gist, but had to rush off to another client meeting.

Empty office room This meeting was to be between myself, another Account Manager, an upset client and her partner. There was some difficulty with her site, and we have been trying to get things worked out. Unfortunately the Account Manager I was to work with left earlier in the day with kidney stones. Poor guy has been suffering from them for months, and has even looked like death before being rushed off to the ER. As I left my boss’s office, feeling confident in my cute new skirt, wedged shoes and blouse combo… something happened. I partially tore some ligaments in my left ankle over a month ago and was still healing. As I turned to walk to my desk this ankle gave underneath me. Twisting and tearing, I could hear the pop, and went to catch myself with my right foot. As soon as my right foot hit the ground it slipped out from under me and I heard a loud crack. I hit the ground with more force than I thought I would, and pain shot through both of my legs. Coworkers started running over and asking me if I was alright; offering to help me up. I pulled my legs out from under me, and I could feel the damage. It all happened so fast, but I shooed most of my friends away, telling them I was fine and smiling as they walked away. I started to direct my boss on how to handle the call I was obviously going to miss, but was quickly shut down. They were all so blown away that I was on the ground, both legs swelling up before their eyes, and still making sure all my meetings were covered. Even “Jackass” told me to stop worrying about my clients and worry about myself. They have me covered! The rest of the crowd started to dissipate.

I turned to my Princess Friend, looked her straight in the eye and said, “I am not ok. I am almost positive I broke my leg and sprained my other one.”

It was a process to get me into a chair, rolled into the elevator and out the door. I was in excruciating pain, but I did not falter. I did not cry out, I did not scream, I did not shed a tear. My coworkers clapped as I was rolled past their cubicles, and I told them to knock it off! I couldn’t help but laugh as I told them all it wasn’t funny! Such a pain, those coworkers of mine, but so wonderful. A few of the stronger men followed and walked with me out to the car. Pushing Chair They lifted me into my Princess’s passenger seat, as she had insisted on being my personal ambulance. She was so upset that I had never reached out to her when I was in the ER for my intestinal pain, as she never wants me to have to suffer alone. She would have come running at the drop of a hat to make sure that I was ok. So she was to be my savior for the day, take me to the ER, and be there every step of the way. And she was. SO MUCH!

Once at the ER we were in the door fairly quickly, examined, and into Xray within 45 minutes of arrival. The Xray tech was named Jeff and was really actually pretty funny. He responded very well to my sarcasm, and was wondering why I was not showing that I was in pain at all, though looking over my swollen and broken looking legs you could tell that I was suffering. I had just had Princess help me pee (that was funny), was given two lortabs, and sent on my way. The back and forth banter between Xray Jeff and I was a nice distraction from the growing pain inside. PLEASE JUST LET THE TABS KICK IN! – The Xrays were NOT fun at all, and in an all joking manner he called out in triumph when I cringed during one of the Xrays. He felt like he had broken down my wall of pain mastery, and saw what was really going on inside! It was actually sort of cute, and I found myself wanting to talk more to him. I didn’t follow through, mainly because I was in too much pain to appropriately flirt, and was almost positive I was not going to be able to walk for awhile. This can put a damper on any type of new found friendship. So lame.

Once back in the room, Princess and I arranged for my girls to be picked up and we tried to call my mom. My mom had told me she was coming down the next day to help me clean my house, so it was almost perfect timing for me to injure myself. Having her come down that night instead of the next day would be very likely and so helpful for me. The doctor popped his head in the door and announced that my ankle was in fact broken. He pulled up the Xrays and showed me the snapped fibula bone. xr-ankle-FweberB-ap-250-label The gap in my ankle bone and the tibia, which may be a problem, but we will have to wait for the swelling to go down. Princess continued to ask him question after question about my illness and how it will relate to healing. What I need to do. How I am going to get around with not one, BUT TWO legs I can’t use. He suggested I at least try to use crutches and just figure out how to utilized my severely sprained ankle. He then left the room, and never returned. Princess was fuming.

You know, I am really lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, and Princess has always been so good to me. She knows what it is like to have chronic illnesses; having celiac disease and asthma, she is more understanding than most of my friends. She is protective, caring, and more than happy to go out of her way to help those she loves. I just happen to be someone she loves, and I love her back. She went on and on to me about making sure I see both the orthopedic surgeon asap, as well as my rheumatologist as soon as I can. She was so very concerned that I was not going to get the treatment that I need, and that I would not heal properly. She wanted to take care of me, and I let her. I never let anyone take care of me, so it was about time I let go and let someone. I did.

After I was set up with a boot on the right leg, and a stirrup splint on the left, we headed out to fill my prescription of pain meds. I stayed in the car while Princess ran inside, texting me for info she needed. She returned with a bag of gluten free goodies, and my drugs. I can honestly say that this was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in as long as I can remember. As broken and hurt as I was, I had been surrounded with loving and caring people. My coworkers are awesome people, and took great care of me. I have been getting emails, texts, and other inquiries from so many people asking how I am, it really makes sitting at home with two out of commissions legs, unable to walk.. so much better.

There is so much more that has happened, even since Wednesday when I took this crash, but I am not going to go into that. Here I sit alone today, kids at daycare (thanks to Princess stopping by to pick them up on her way to work), watching Netflix and eating gluten free Oreos substitutes. Another good work friend is coming over to bring me lunch, and tonight Princess and Lovely are going to come to help me shower. We will see how that goes. Keep your fingers crossed, as these breaks have cause a flare up in all my joints, my muscles are killing me, and my sinus infection is going nuts. 105-0504_img_2 My mom helped me arrange my livingroom into a basic living space, surrounded by pillows! The coffee table is pulled over and up against the couch, where I am going to be living for the next few days, maybe even weeks, depending on how much time I need to rest myself in order to heal and return to life.

My feet are both bruised. Legs will both randomly go numb. Since some of the swelling has gone down, when I move I can feel the bones shift and pop. My throat is dry, I am exhausted but can’t sleep. We have made arrangements for my youngest to go with her dad for the entire weekend, and for my middle child to stay with me. She can help me get water and other random things I will need that I can’t get myself. Middle child is pretty good at taking care of herself, and my mom bought some items that are easy for her to get so she can feed herself this weekend. Monday morning I am going to see the Dr, which my mom will return to take me there. I am both excited and nervous. I don’t want another exam, Xrays, etc. They are going to hurt, and I am already so tired. My wrists and arms hurt from having to be utilized more often than they used to, lifting my body to and from the wheelchair.

To sum it up, right now my life sucks. I am broken. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally broken right now. Everything is falling apart, but I am keeping myself together as much as I possibly can. I have so many people who love me, care about me, and want to help me. The only thing is… they can’t fix me. I appreciate their love and support more than I can express, but at the end of the day I am literally broken.

I am so, so, so broken.

I am Ok… Just Ok

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Today was my first day in a new office, which can almost make it feel like a new job. We have been growing so fast that it’s been hard to keep up with all the space we need. We were crammed in a small office with just enough room for everyone, and one free desk. I had the biggest desk out of all of the Account Managers, and for that I was grateful. I needed the room for training new hires at my desk, as we had one small conference room between three departments and I was often booted for random reasons. Not the easiest to work around when I need to train, all the while Sales needs to do their up-training, and then Fulfillment needs to review tasks at hand. All of who need the conference room and the projector. So I was SOL off and on for the most part, as I was the smallest training group (usually only one or two people – My largest group was only 7). In the new office I have a smaller desk, but we have SO much more space. We have combined multiple departments from multiple locations that will benefit from being in the same building and put together the new office. The location is much closer to me, and overall a better place to be. Each department has their own training rooms, meeting rooms, and extra desks for growth. And by extra, I mean half the desks are empty. We are ready for growth! I am incredibly happy about this change!

blonde-woman-driving-carOn my way to work this morning I saw a silver Infinity, and the “Horse” came to mind. Usually when he crosses my mind (especially with a visual aid) I get a twinge of hurt and regret, however this time was different. As the car passed the one way stop I was at, I thought of his face. No hurt. No regret. I didn’t get the feeling in the pit of my stomach I used to get, and I didn’t get.. feelings. Nothing. None. If anything there was a lingering indifference. I thought about my time with him, and if I would want to do that again. No. I don’t. In fact, I would be fine if I never spoke to or saw him again. I would almost prefer that I never have interaction with him again. I know it is odd to linger on this feeling, but it honestly surprised me. I have had so much going on recently that he hadn’t crossed my mind in… well… possibly a few weeks. I have been focused on other aspects of my “roller-coaster” life, my heart in other places, and my mind pulled in a million directions. But not to him. Does this mean I am free? Does this mean it is over? I sure hope so!

Once I was settled in I realized that I lacked both coffee and food. I looked around the office since we were supposed to have a coffee maker in the new break room, but alas, there was no coffee. There is a soda machine that provides free drinks, an ice machine, and two HUGE empty break rooms. But no coffee. OH! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?!? Settling for soda for my caffeine intake was a battle I could only blame on myself. I generally try to steer clear of the stuff, as sometimes it can make me stiff and sore. I opted in for a Gatorade and a bottle of water with the soda. Had to wash the gunk out of my system somehow. That was the closest I was going to get.

As my day went on, my body began to shake. I couldn’t decide if it was the sugars in the soda, the Gatorade, or what was going on. I chalked it up to the lack of food, and at lunch consumed a large amount of banana/apple/honey/raisin granola with pineapple and a bit of sugar free jello. My shakes went down and I figured they would eventually stop. I worked through all my daily tasks, stopping now and then to stretch my shaking hands. Every once in awhile I would notice the full body buzzing inside my skin, and eventually the ache that came with it. Two tylenol and a bunch of water. Try to prevent the aches before they require the harder pain meds that I try so hard to keep in case of a major flare. sitting-desk-woman I am only given 30 a month, and at times I require them three times a day. Today did not seem like a pain prescription day, so I carried on! Work chatter. Laughing. Chatting back and forth. Sending each other gifs of creepy faces. Clients. Audits. Work, work, work! My day went on without much of a hitch, but the buzzing inside never left. My hands shook slightly, and sometimes a lot, depending on how I held my arm. This was odd to me, as I didn’t have enough Dr Pepper to do this to my body. I drink HIGH amounts of caffeine on a regular basis, so having it give my body an uncomfortable buzzing feeling was just not possible. Then it hit me… Fibromyalgia. My ever lingering illness! Hiding just below the skin and waiting for the chance to remind me who is really in charge!

I often forget about some of the symptoms that don’t linger as often. This “buzz” or “tingle” is one of them that tends to come when I have high pain, so having it come without pain first is weird. My Dr recently started me on a new arthritis medication, so perhaps that is what is going on. Maybe it is helping with the pain, but the “buzz” from the fibro is still there. Lingering. HAUNTING. Being a pain in the ass, to put it bluntly. But what caused this buzz? I hadn’t done anything different, minus the lack of coffee replaced with soda in the morning. Once again, it hit me. We are in an new office, and the lighting, air, and all of the components of my day to day environment had changed. This can often set off a Fibro flare, and cause symptoms to arise. Sensitivity to the light change could even cause the ridiculous feeling I was having. Reviewing online I found that I was right in my assumptions. Now, just to cut in – I know that I have been like this for a few years, and I should know my symptoms by now, but it is so easy to assume or remember incorrectly. I like to double check my assumptions if I am not 100% sure I am correct. Sometimes my symptoms are a warning sign for something bigger coming, and sometimes just a reaction. I like to review and update myself on the differences, as it keeps it fresh in my mind. Never can be too careful when you have so many different things going on inside you.

Fibromyalgia2 Fibromyalgia is a syndrome of chronic widespread muscular pain, achiness, non-restorative sleep, and severe fatigue. The genetic component present in Fibromyalgia negatively affects the brain’s ability to process pain normally by altering the pain threshold. It is not uncommon to find hypersensitivity to touch, heat, cold, chemicals, light, sound, and smell. In Fibromyalgia this translates into pain. If genetically predisposed, a trigger usually occurs to initiate the disease. Subsequent triggering mechanisms such as accidents, trauma and or stress may increase symptoms. The good news is that Fibromyalgia is not fatal and can be controlled with proper diagnosis and a wellness regimen.

Yes, just a reminder that even changing offices can cause a flare. Isn’t it funny how I can be so pleased over such a positive change, all the while my body is throwing a mini tantrum? Where is the time out corner for my immune system? No fits allowed! I decided to just settle in and deal with my buzzing, plugging my headphones in and shutting out the world. The sounds of the more open office space may have even triggered this odd flare. There is a cooling vent directly above my desk, and I kept going back and forth between freezing and burning hot. No temperature control as well. Oh, body! You are such a delight! I sometimes forget the symptoms that I can get, and ones that others suffer through daily. Though I am in pain daily, I am also lucky to still be well enough to work. To even sometimes be able to plug in, take some tylenol, and shut out my pain. Others are not so lucky. Some of the symptoms that people suffer through daily are:

  • Sensitivity to medications and foods (often lactose intolerant)
  • Sensitivity to odors, sounds, and bright lights
  • Early morning stiffness
  • Tender points (see diagram)
  • Trouble finding words
  • Burning mouth or tongue
  • Decreased concentration and memory
  • (creating “Fibro Fog” read definition)
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Numbness
  • Tingling
  • Sensitive Skin
  • Chest pain
  • Shortness of breath
  • Dry eyes
  • Muscle cramping
  • Muscle weakness
  • Regional Muscle pain
  • Myofascial Pain disorder
  • Sensation of vibration
  • TMJ
  • Headaches
  • Generalized weakness
  • Weight gain
  • Sensory overload
  • Exhaustion after minimal exertion
  • Swollen extremities or sensation of swelling
  • Special instability and perceptual disturbances
  • Immune system dysfunction
  • Irritable bowel syndrome
  • Irritable bladder syndrome
  • Hypoglycemia
  • Diminished stress tolerance (emotional and/or physical)
  • Unexplained bruising
  • Low Blood pressure

  temporary-bump-sign.ju.09 Though I suffer from over 90% of these symptoms, it could be SO much worse at the end of the day. After work I stopped at the grocery store to buy a bag of potatoes and a box of ramen noodles. (As requested from my teenager) I made it into the store, grabbed both items, zoomed through the self checkout and was back in my car within 5 minutes. As soon as I closed the car door I realized I was having an asthma attack and was shaking twice as bad as I had been all day. Grabbing for my inhaler, I leaned back and took it all in. Sweat poured down my face, though I had the windows open and a cool breeze whistled through the car, I was sweating. My hands were shaking and I felt incredibly weak. Getting the focus to drive the short few blocks to my house, shaking and sweating the whole way. Once home, I jumped out of the car and hurried myself into the house, telling the teenager she needed to retrieve the items from the car.

Here I am two hours later, still shaking, but now I am freezing. Covered in a blanket, blanket on my lap, shaking and freezing my ass off! My children in tank tops and shorts, the temperature the same 70 degree it always is, but I can’t stop shaking.

At the end of the day, today was actually pretty decent. Though I felt like my body has not been at rest at all, it has been so much worse before. I realized that my feelings for Horse have left. I have a good job with a nice new office, though Fibro flaring, I am sure it will pass. I have a home, and kids that love me. And as the Beatles say, “All you need is love..”, right?

I am ill. I am limited… but I am ok.

No More Him…

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I have just done something that used to provoke anxiety in me, but has now made me feel free and as though a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I deleted every text, email, etc that I had from Dead Horse (Jeff) in my email. They are ALL gone. I have removed all his emails, phone numbers, etc from all of my contacts and eliminated all social networking connections we had.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it is. I have removed the words that he wrote to me from my life completely. Every “I love you”, “Fuck you”, and any other emotion I was holding onto… are gone. Every. Single. One. I did a search in my system, and every email or text that even mentioned his name is also gone. And here is why.

I have been thinking less and less about the Dead Horse, which is such a relief. There are times I realized I haven’t even though about him in over a week. I haven’t had him be the star of one of my dreams for quite some time. Until last night. It was SUCH an unpleasant dream, and I woke feeling isolated, shunned, exposed, and hurt. frustrated-business-woman-stuck-box-isolated-7145177 I went through many emotions during my vivid night time expression of emotion. I was shoved in a box, thrown out of a car, hugged, pushed, shamed, and at one point I was sobbing naked in front of his whole family. I choked out reasons behind my failure to be what he wanted, expressing my own personal hatred for my illness, and begging them not to judge me while Dead Horse took off with his new gf. I cried and cried about my illness. I apologized for not being able to keep up. They all told me that he was better off with someone “normal”. That I was “bad for him” because of how much time and energy I was and would suck out of his life. That he deserved better than someone of my “caliber”. Someone who can be active, doesn’t have the emotional and physical limitations I have, and doesn’t come from my same family history. At one point they were shoving me inside a small car while I asked for at least my clothes back, but they all insisted I just leave. Bare chest and all.

I could feel the pain that he had caused me during and after our relationship. I felt the burn inside me that only he had ever caused me to feel, as well as the ache and loss that I felt every time he told me he didn’t want what he “knew” I wanted. Every time he walked out the door because he thought we might “fight” that night. The nights I spent alone crying in my bed while he was home watching basketball and getting drunk instead of helping me through such a difficult time that is chronic illness diagnostics. Of course, I was feeling run down, emotional, and not “physical” at all, so why would he spend time with me when I was being such a downer, right? All of these feelings rushed through me while I fought myself to wake up. I knew I was dreaming, and all I wanted was to let go of all these emotions that obviously still linger inside me. I had to, and have to let it go!

When I woke up I was nearly in tears. I was flat on my back, and I could hear my girls playing and fighting downstairs. I stared at the ceiling trying to fight off the useless emotions that were flowing through me. My WHOLE body ached, and I couldn’t help but have quick thoughts of how it might be better to be a vegetable than what I am right now. stock-footage-portrait-of-sad-and-unhappy-woman-crying-laying-in-bed-in-bedroom-pensive-girl-uhd-ultra-hd-k Maybe numb from the neck down… but that honestly sounds more miserable than what I am going through right now. I would hate to not be able to slap a bitch. lol – Reaching over for my phone, the lights were blinking like crazy. I had so many texts, notifications, snapchats, etc. Hmmm… I will check them all later, I only cared about the ones from Rain. “Yeah.. I thought about you quite a bit.” and “Mmmm… another whole day?!?” – Rain had gone out with some friends the night before, and I had sent him some enticing texts. We have a date tomorrow night, and I am glad to see that he is still just as eager as I am. This started to pull me out of the hurt I was still experiencing from my dream. The sound of my children downstairs, numerous texts and social interactions waiting to occur, and the texts from Rain reminded me that I am still a person. I am still me, though I felt shoved around and pushed away due to my needs, especially in my dream. Jeff… all I felt was hurt, betrayal, and cruelty. The pain when he cheated on me. The hurt when I found out about his numerous lies. The rejection and betrayal when he replaced me within 14 days of our 2 year relationship ending. I pictured myself standing bare and exposed in front of everyone just pleading for them to see ME! To see that I was trying to be what he needed, and even what I needed, but falling short due to things outside of my control. THIS is what hurt the most. Being so exposed, and so rejected.

All day today I have been feeling off. I have been feeling low, and the aches throbbing through me are not helping. Since I sprained my ankle on Sunday, I used crutches for a few days. Apparently these crutches caused some deep bruising and issues in my arm pits, and I have since developed both pain and a few small cysts. pain-woman1 Even my clothing rubbing against the tender tissue sends shooting pains through me. What would he have thought of my arm pit pain? Would it be just another inconvenience? Another reason to roll his eyes and go home? Would he once again tell me that it is in my head, and I should have a better attitude? That I would probably be better if I just wasn’t so negative! – I cringe at the thought. I thought about all the feelings and pain I kept to myself just so I didn’t push too much emotion on his shoulders. I wanted him with me, I wanted to SEE him, so I knew I had to keep certain things in. I had to watch certain shows. Drink certain drinks. Even discuss certain topics. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I push myself around so much for someone who was mistreating me behind the scenes? Who was reading each and every text that I ever sent. Every email that I both sent and received. He hacked into my facebook, my work email, my personal email, etc. He hated friends and family for what I thought was no reason, but later found was misguided opinions of texts and other interactions I had with them. I pushed a handful of people out of my life for him because they made him uncomfortable. Of course that stemmed from chats from long time friends telling me I was lovely, and a good catch, etc.

About an hour ago I logged into my email to see if my sister had sent over some pictures she wants me to upload, and I noticed his name on the left side of my screen. article-1175013-0499B8A7000005DC-375_468x325 Why on earth do I still have him in my chat list? I right clicked, and removed. Then it hit me… I still had almost EVERY interaction we had ever had in my emails. Work chats with him, home chats with him, emails, texts, photos, etc. Why? Why did I still have these? WHAT is the purpose? Doing a search for his name, I started deleting. Pulling things with every keyword I could possibly think of that would bring up something from/to him. DELETE. Over and over and over again! I found THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of internet interaction and removed them. I then went and extra removed them by deleting them from my trash. I searched and searched until I could not find one thing left. It felt amazing. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I finally realized that I had no choice to go and read his words. His loving words, casual words, and most of all his hateful words. The manipulative way he would talk down on himself for sympathy. For me to come to the rescue and show him that he was wanted. The strange things he would bring up for no reason, and the odd fights they would start. As if he wanted to spend time away from me just to be away. NO MORE. No more him. No more us. No more. No more Jeff Hebert.

No more… Jeff… no more dead horse. His words are gone, and I couldn’t feel better about it. I never knew deleting digital communication would feel so freeing.

Hoover Dam…

Standard

Hoover Dam style bloody nose. Choking on the blood as I rush to the bathroom sink. Trying not to vomit from it trickling down my throat and into my stomach. Rumbles inside, holding in the intestinal upset that my body decided to attempt to expel at the same time it released the gates through my nose. This is how my Monday work morning started, just a short time after arriving. Not only was I stiff as a board when I woke this morning, which caused me to be 15 minutes late, I also had to attempt to cover what looks like scabby pick marks meth heads have, all over my face and neck. images (1) Trying to find something to wear that won’t irritate the over sized fluid filled cyst pocket that decided to grow in my armpit this weekend. Getting two small children ready for the day, and having my teenager decide at the last minute she would also like a ride to school. Guess the rain wasn’t that appealing to her. Being a chronically ill single mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Being a single mom was rough, and I took each moment in stride. It was difficult, but at most times I was able to handle every problem with a certain level of grace.

Since I became ill in 2011, I have slowly become less and less graceful. I am not sure if I will ever handle anything else with grace. My fumbling hands, arms, and legs has been followed by this lovely fog that makes it hard to even have one conversation without stopping. Whether it is forgetting what we were talking about, rolling off into tangents, or not being able to form words properly, it is difficult and growing worse. I have no idea what to do with my body that is going to make it better. In order to physically function, I have to take gabapentin which causes a slew of side effects. There are other medications I take, but this one has the most severe I have ever had. Here is a list of the most common, rare, and unexplained. (I have put the ones I suffer/have suffered in the past in bold):

  • More common
  • Clumsiness or unsteadiness
  • continuous, uncontrolled, back-and-forth, or rolling eye movements
  • Aggressive behavior or other behavior problems
  • anxiety
  • concentration problems and change in performance
  • crying
  • depression
  • false sense of well-being
  • hyperactivity or increase in body movements
  • rapidly changing moods
  • reacting too quickly, too emotional, or overreacting
  • restlessness
  • suspiciousness or distrust
  • Black, tarry stools
  • chest pain
  • chills
  • cough
  • depression, irritability, or other mood or mental changes
  • fever
  • loss of memory
  • pain or swelling in the arms or legs
  • painful or difficult urination
  • shortness of breath
  • sore throat
  • sores, ulcers, or white spots on the lips or in the mouth
  • swollen glands
  • unusual bleeding or bruising
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • Abdominal or stomach pain
  • blistering, peeling, or loosening of the skin
  • clay-colored stools
  • coma
  • confusion
  • convulsions
  • dark urine
  • decreased urine output
  • diarrhea
  • dizziness
  • fast or irregular heartbeat
  • headache
  • increased thirst
  • itching
  • joint pain
  • large, hive-like swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, or sex organs (mildly, only when exacerbated by celiac) 
  • loss of appetite
  • muscle ache or pain
  • nausea
  • red skin lesions, often with a purple center
  • red, irritated eyes
  • skin rash
  • unpleasant breath odor
  • vomiting of blood
  • yellow eyes or skin
  • images (2)

  • Some side effects of gabapentin may occur that usually do not need medical attention. These side effects may go away during treatment as your body adjusts to the medicine. Also, your health care professional may be able to tell you about ways to prevent or reduce some of these side effects. Check with your health care professional if any of the following side effects continue or are bothersome or if you have any questions about them:
  • Blurred vision
  • cold or flu-like symptoms
  • delusions
  • dementia
  • hoarseness
  • lack or loss of strength
  • lower back or side pain
  • swelling of the hands, feet, or lower legs
  • trembling or shaking
  • Accidental injury
  • appetite increased
  • back pain
  • bloated or full feeling
  • body aches or pain
  • burning, dry, or itching eyes
  • change in vision
  • change in walking and balance
  • clumsiness or unsteadiness
  • congestion
  • constipation
  • cough producing mucus
  • decrease in sexual desire or ability
  • dementia
  • difficulty with breathing
  • dryness of the mouth or throat
  • earache
  • excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines
  • excessive tearing
  • eye discharge
  • feeling faint, dizzy, or lightheadedness
  • feeling of warmth or heat
  • flushed, dry skin
  • flushing or redness of the skin, especially on the face and neck
  • frequent urination
  • fruit-like breath odor
  • impaired vision
  • incoordination
  • increased hunger
  • increased sensitivity to pain
  • increased sensitivity to touch
  • increased thirst
  • indigestion
  • low blood pressure
  • nervousness
  • noise in the ears
  • pain, redness, rash, swelling, or bleeding where the skin is rubbed off
  • passing gas
  • redness or swelling in the ear
  • redness, pain, swelling of the eye, eyelid, or inner lining of the eyelid
  • runny nose
  • sneezing
  • sweating
  • tender, swollen glands in the neck
  • tightness in the chest
  • tingling in the hands and feet
  • troubled breathing
  • trouble with sleeping
  • trouble with swallowing
  • trouble with thinking
  • twitching
  • unexplained weight loss
  • voice changes
  • vomiting
  • weakness or loss of strength
  • weight gain
  • wheezing

Now, when it comes to medication, you are going to have to choose the lesser of the two evils. Granted I suffer all of these side effects, some of them are going to exist on different levels with or without the medication. The pain I suffer from the fibro, RA, and celiac flares are much less severe, as well as being cut down in time suffering. Without this medication, I would not be able to get out of bed in the mornings. I would be stiff as a board, without the ability to loosen up my body in order to move. The more this illness progresses, the worse it gets. I know I have posted before about getting used to my body, finding my limitations, and staying within them. Fibromyalgia1 Sometimes I am a silly sick girl, and I push myself too far. I know that the reason I have had a rough morning was due to the weekend activities I pushed myself through. The way I pushed my physical, emotional, and mental being was beyond what I should have, and I knew it. Yet, sometimes you just have to try to be as normal as possible. There is a point that you reach each day, and you know if you stop you will not get back up. Instead of stopping, I pushed through it all. I not only used up my daily spoons, but every spoon I could possibly muster up inside me.

It started with Friday: Movie date with my 7 year old. Having to rush home early due to my oldest having a teenage meltdown, and needing to be supervised. Shopping for supplies, and doing a 3 hour photoshoot on Saturday, followed by a quick shower, bathing my children and heading off to a birthday party for a good friend. Pushing myself into interacting with all the friends who showed, and having a bit of wine to get me through it. The next morning began with a breakfast out, then shopping non stop for home upgrades, cleaning supplies, storage bins, etc. A new tablet for my two little ones, new shoes, and many other things. I did EVERYTHING I have been putting off for weeks.. maybe even months.. in one day. My home is looking great, but… I did this all because I knew once I stopped, I would be down. I had to push myself as far as I could to get this all done, or it was never going to get done. And what happened? Hoover Dam happened. Hoover Dam in the form of blood, cysts, swelling, pain, and so many other things. Was it worth it? Ask me in two days… two weeks.. however long it takes me to recover, because today I am suffering the effects of my own self destructive behavior.

Hoover Dam happens in many forms, and I feel like that is an accurate description for a flare. For the side effects we suffer for trying to be a normal human being. For trying to be who we used to be, and failing. Failing miserably, because I am not the old me. I am not the same woman I was even last year. 473368-22729-48 Last year my Dam was holding up much better; A few cracks and leaks here and there, yes, but not a full on break. Now.. I break. I can’t help but think to myself how much more broken I am going to get. If I am having Hoover breaks now, what will I suffer with a year from now? 5 years? 10 YEARS? How will I survive??? Perhaps it is giving in, and just trying to patch what I can. I had to finally cave and purchase tighter fitting shoes with inserts for more heel and arch support. I can no longer wear shoes with heels. At all. Purchasing items that most won’t need until well into their 40’s and 50’s is rough on my mental state, but I accepted it… kinda. This may put a bit of a hold on my Hoover Dam, but maybe not. We will have to see what is going to happen with them.

Weak, tired, and moody.. here I sit suffering through my self inflicted break. Trying to patch things up with what I can, and looking like death in the meantime. Nothing else I can do at this point but remind myself that this was a terrible idea…