It has been awhile since I have posted a more detailed blog, and I am not sure why that is. I have so much to say, but each time I sat at my computer.. I had nothing to say. This week has been one of the most mellow at home weeks, yet one of the more intense work weeks. There was a recent Google Algorithm change that threw the entire SEO world off, and as someone who works for an SEO firm, we had to reassess and reevaluate the way that we perform our actions. Contact every client that has been affected, and revamp their campaigns. Working with other departments, and going over the new changes, there were decisions to be made, and major changes to implement. I also did multiple interviews, and had to rewrite the manual that we provide to new hires. Needless to say, it’s been an interesting week.
Aside from work, something else has been affecting me lately as well. I am up to a full 900mg of the gabapentin (Neurontin), and I haven’t felt better in.. months.. years? I don’t even know. My swelling is down, the pain is barely noticeable, and I have much more energy. I have had issues sleeping for quite some time. Not just because my “Horse” is no longer here to comfort me, but even when he was, I had issues from time to time. Trouble falling asleep. Staying asleep. Then trouble getting up. Since I have come to the dosage of 900 mg, I am now falling asleep faster, at a reasonable time, and able to get up easier. I am still having nightmares, and I still dream about my “Horse” almost every night, but it doesn’t seem to be as bad. I am generally in a better mood, and I feel… good. I don’t think I have felt this productive in such a long time, and aside from a few flares, I have had one of the best health weeks I have had in god knows how long. I did vomit today, but that was understandable. Spent 5 hours on my feet at the Zoo with my family, and I think I was glutened somehow. I am still a bit nauseated, my legs are sore, my hands ache, but before the gabapentin… a trip to the Zoo would have killed me. I would have been in bed for days! We will see what happens tomorrow, but I have a feeling that I am going to be ok. Sore.. tired.. but ok.
Since I have been feeling so good, and been able to get the sleep that I need, I took this week to spend with my daughters. They have seen mommy so sick, and so miserable for so long that I wanted to spend my time with my babies, since I didn’t know how long this good feeling would last. This week we have played outside, played parachute men, dug for worms, wrestled, played hair salon, painted our nails, snuggled like there was no tomorrow, gone to the Zoo, and so many other things. We have a pretty princess tea party planned for tomorrow, and I just can’t wait! On Tuesday my oldest sang in her first choir concert, and it was amazing. I did her hair and makeup for the event, and I cannot express the feelings that burst inside me as I watched my baby girl become such a beautiful young woman. In this blog post, this is the first time that I am using images from my life. I am finally sharing the beauty that I get to experience every day, and the joy that my babies beautiful little faces bring me. Every photo in this post I took. Insert life
Having the fog lifted from me this week, I have turned into a silly little sap. Everything around me is so wonderful, and all of those negative feelings have lifted for now. I am aware that this is not permanent, so I want to enjoy each and every moment I have! Since I know my limitations better now, I am able to feel out what I can and cannot do. I have been learning to count my spoons better, and determine approximately how many I have for the day based on how I feel when I wake up. I have begun to share this method of planning my day with my oldest daughter, and it seems to be working. She seems to be more cooperative with me when I explain how many spoons I figure I have that day. This morning we discussed what needed to be done before going to the Zoo, and how many spoons each item would take from me. Together we decided I would sort some laundry for washing, and she would perform the action. I would get the little girls ready, and she would pack the lunches and snacks. I am very lucky to have her, and I have no idea what I would do if she was not around. I could not imagine not having the close, loving, and fun relationship I have with my oldest daughter. My girls are my everything, and I never understood those parents who don’t love and appreciate their children to the extent of not only being a parent, but also a friend.
Since I have been sick, I have had a lot of fluctuation of emotions. I have felt intense hatred. Pain. Loathing. Love. Everything under the sun, and then some. Sometimes all of the above in one day. HELL! In an HOUR! Illness seems to intensify so many emotions, and I feel like a totally different person during my flares. It is like Jekyll and Hyde, and I am fully aware, however cannot stop it. There is the version of me that exists today that did not exist a month ago. Six months ago! A YEAR AGO! I feel nothing but love, though my stomach is upset and I have vomited multiple times today. Today I saw the world as a beautiful, wonderful, loving place. I laughed with my family, walked around the entire Zoo, got excited over every animal I saw with my little 3 year old, and loved every moment of it. Right now I am free. I am open. I am love. But how long will this last? I have been called a negative person more times than I would ever like to be called one, however I like to think I am more realistic than anything. I am very much enjoying everything I have right now, but I also want to prepare myself for the fall. I have always felt that if you hope for the best, but prep for the worst, you won’t fall so hard if you end up tripping. Hence why I call myself “Posi Pesi” (This stands for Positive Pessimist, for those of you who didn’t figure that out yet), and proudly sport that attitude. I feel like everyone is entitled to their own way of life, and as long as you aren’t hurting others, there is no problem. I have been told many times, even from the “Horse”, that my attitude comes off as bad, and I affect people negatively. I find this odd because I am often told I am one of the MOST confident people out there, and that my confidence is part of my attraction. My self esteem is intact as long as I am able to keep someone at a particular distance. Once you have broken past the barrier, I am a squishy, self conscious little girl who just needs love and support. Can I do things myself? Yes. Am I confident in my abilities as a mother, an employee, and a general human being? Yes. I feel like anyone who at least TRIES to do as they need to.. should be confident in themselves regardless.
Everyone I have let close to me, who see the weak, helpless side of me, has left. They seem to find this side of me.. threatening? Scary? I don’t know. Maybe too hard to handle the weight that my misery brings when it comes. I tend to try to bear everything on my shoulders, and when someone tries to help me with the burden, I fight as hard as I can to keep that from happening. The weight that I carry is so much more than anyone can even know, until they try to bear it with me. I have yet to have one person who has been able to stick through everything that I have to deal with. I understand I have a hard, miserable, and unattractive situation, but at the same time.. I often feel that I have so much to give, that it would be worth it. I have a hard time feeling comfortable and confident that my life can be shared with someone, and work out when all of my other attempts have fallen flat. Now, I know many things I did wrong. I have learned what I should and should not do with certain people, and I am trying to grow. This week I have spent no time with anyone but my children and work. No dates. No men. No anything. My heart has been aching so much for the “Horse”, as I have been feeling such love.
Love. Such a funny thing it is. Love. I love my children. I love my family. I love my job… I love Jeff. I love that “Horse” so much, I can feel it bursting inside me and all I want to do is give this love to him. I have decided (again) that there is nothing wrong with how I feel, and sending loving vibes into the world does no harm at all. Sending loving vibes to him is not harmful either. I wish I could share these loving moments with him, and though it has been over four months now, I can’t seem to do anything else but feel them and let it be. Sometimes these feelings come on strong in times in woe, and I can do nothing but sob and let the ache of loss run it’s course. Other times these feelings come to me during times of joy, and fun. I want to tell him the jokes we made at work. I want to explain the algorithm changes. I want to snuggle up to him on movie night while all of our kids lay on the floor in a puddle of cuddles. I wish I had hugged his kids more, but I was so scared. I knew I loved them, and if I got too close.. when we split.. it would hurt. I miss them often as well. I cannot express how much joy it would have brought me today to bring them with us to the Zoo. Holding his hand while the kids run in all directions, screaming about this animal or that. Trying to keep them reeled in, but knowing it was totally pointless. Pictures. Snacks. Lunch. Riding the carousel. Luckily I have my babies, my loves to share this with, and maybe one day I will find someone that I love just was much as I do my “Horse” and his.. “foals”. It is what it is, and I need to move on.
Last Sunday I did have a date with a nice, responsible, and funny man. He is the older brother of my best friend’s ex roomate, and happens to also be an old neighbor. Our fathers were friends when we were younger, though I do not recall ever meeting him. He is 4 years my senior, and can remember my family quite clearly. He found me on an online dating site (don’t judge), and insisted I give him a chance. Though he is not really my type, and I don’t find him all that attractive, he has a wonderful personality, and the fact that he supports his 3 girls all by himself, as his ex wife simply stopped coming back 4 months ago, is also attractive. We often discuss our little girls, and laugh over the similarities in age personalities. He has the same dilemma as I do, raising children all alone, you never have time for yourself. We attempted to plan another date for tomorrow, however he was unable to find a sitter. I feel so odd arranging dates and trying to move on when I still feel so strongly for my “Horse”. I never knew I could feel this way, and I have no idea why these feelings linger, but alas.. there they are. I feel like if I am able to bring myself out of this cloud that is him, I can find someone to give this love to. I have often told myself that I need to love myself as much as I feel I love my “Horse”, and perhaps this will help me with these feelings. I am unsure what will and will not work for me in any circumstance, but I know.. I know I just want to be happy. I am determined to be happy. I just need to find a way to do that.
I have found myself having a slight crush on someone I see in my day to day life. It is not something that could, or ever would happen, and I think that is why my feelings have turned this way. Something safe? Something comfortable, and not too risky? I am not sure why (Like most things), but this tends to keep my mind away from “him” during my work days. He is also single, (one of the 3 or 4 men that are) so it is fun to flirt around and joke. I am positive nothing will come of this… but I felt like adding it to my random.. rant. Obviously this blog has turned into a pretty unfocused and odd rant, but I am ok with that. It is 1:30am, and I have had one of the best weeks of my sick life. I haven’t been this happy since I was with Jeff, and that is saying a lot. I have yet to feel as happy as I was when I was with him… though my days were SO bipolar, I don’t even know if it was real or if it was the insanity of the illness taking over me. I choose to believe that everything I felt was real, as those feelings still linger inside me, even months later. There is this silly little saying that is poking around the internet that says: “Based on a psychological study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you are already in love.” – But what does it mean when you still long for that person 4 months after you break up? I have no idea. But here I am.. longing.. happy.. loving.. tired.. and ranting in the middle of the night.
Maybe I should call this blog “I love you” instead of random rant… Because.. Sadia.. Emma.. Alaina
I love you.
Loved you once.. Love you still. Always have. Always will.