Middle Child Syndrome…

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Middle child syndrome. As a middle child, I guess I should really understand how this works, and perhaps I had this and just can’t remember. The idea is that in a family of three you should be giving your time evenly to all of the children; Obviously breaking down to 33% each. As the middle child, they often feel left out due to the perks of being both older, and younger. The older child is able to do many things that the middle child is not. They seem to be able to be given more privileges, freedom, and all around the middle child envies the abilities that the older child has. (Keep in mind in my home, my oldest child is 13, while my middle is 7) Then there is the youngest. They are treated as the baby, and are seen as getting more attention, and possibly love, than the middle child. The baby gets away with things the middle child no longer can, and there is also an odd sense of freedom. Child feeling left out. Image shot 2009. Exact date unknown. The middle child is too old to do what the baby does, and too young to do what the oldest does. Here they are stuck in the middle, feeling left out and unloved as the other children ‘run free’ and get away with possibly everything they can!

My child has this to a T. Severely. Not only is she the middle child, but I am mothering three girls. The oldest is 6 1/2 years older, and the youngest is 3 years younger. My oldest and youngest are both tall for their age, while my middle is quite small. Standing only approx 3 inches taller than her 4 year old sister, she is often paired with her when it comes to activities. Though they are both incredibly adorable, my middle child’s intellect is beyond compare. She is not only logical, but critical and also moody. She is quick to upset, and even faster to scold you. Due to being bossed around by her older sister, she is extra bossy with her younger sister. The only problem with this is, yet again, she is barely taller than this sibling. Therefore when a fight breaks out between the two, it is often her who is left in tears, because my littlest girl has no qualms against fighting dirty. She will pinch, pull, kick and punch. Needless to say, this is not fun for the mommy.

So here I am, a single mother working to support three kids on my own, all the while suffering through multiple autoimmune diseases, and dealing with my lovely little middle child. overwhelm_life2 Who is suffering through her own battle of angry self pity, and with the intellect to understand what is going on around her, she is becoming a bitter little blond soldier of war. War on the peace at home, and anyone else who she can possibly get away with mistreating. There is little hope for peace, and she is nowhere near willing to raise the white flag and give up on her middle child temper tantrums. Her adorable little face, big blue eyes, and almost white blond hair is quickly changed from a beautiful little cherub into a cringing almost demon like glare. She can scrunch her face up with the best of them, and will stare you down with no remorse. Should you refuse to give into this battle, she will cry out in a piercing scream of anger, stomping her way to her “castle”, causing as much destruction she can get away with on her way, and cursing your very existence. This will be followed by a slamming of doors, and silence. Now and then she will make her presence and anger known by stomping around in her bedroom, which causes our kitchen lights to flicker. I think I have made my point when it comes to my child’s behavior. Some days she can suffer through many ‘unfair’ events, while others she is finished upon the first. It is a never ending roller coaster of middle child syndrome.

There are a few things that I have tried to simmer down the middle child, and though things have worked in the past, recently her behavior has escalated. Child-Discipline-200x300 I have no doubt that this has to do with the fact that the smallest child has been ill with the flu, hence getting more attention from the oldest and me. She has not been able to play with middle child, thus leaving her lost as to what to do with her spare time. She has such an active mind, and requires so much interaction to keep her pleased, that the lack of having a ‘lacky’ has recently left her alone. Older child was suspended (long story, but nothing serious) therefore home with the little one for two days, while I worked and recovered from a week’s worth of bronchitis. At the end of the day, oldest was exhausted from the needy baby, I was exhausted from the extra work load I acquired this week as well as the struggle my illness was putting on my body. This week middle child has been so incredibly neglected, she has been nothing short of awful to everyone. I have tried putting her in her place with times outs, extra chores, and talks. I have also tried snuggling, talking, and spending extra time at home with her, however it is always interrupted with the other two and she ends up storming off in her overly dramatic manner. This mother is at a loss.

So, I am trying one last thing before I throw my hands in the air and give up on treating my beautiful little girl’s MCS. Tonight I am taking her to see Frozen, just her and I, and then to the Village Inn, which is her favorite place to eat. I have high hopes that by the end of the night she feels extra love, and that implementing mommy/daughter dates with my MC will resolve some of the issues she has. I have to say that at this time, having the MCS happening is causing so much stress on me that I am immediately tense whenever she approaches. This, no doubt, is felt by her and likely exacerbates the situation and the tension in the home. Hopefully my plan will work, we will have a lovely time together, and tomorrow the screaming, stomping and anger will be significantly less. Wish me luck! As a single mother, an autoimmune sufferer, and an all around stressed out person.

Lets do this, Middle Child!

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Four Pounds

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Over the last two days I have been on mostly liquids, diuretics, laxatives, and pain meds. This sounds extreme.. because it is. The blockage and irritation inside my intestines is just exacerbating the issues and pain associated with the cyst on my ovary, and we are doing what we can to clear it all out and relieve some pressure. So, needless to say.. I have been miserable. The amount of time I have spent in the bathroom is far more than I would ever like to spend there, especially while at work. I have been through worse than this before, but generally I do it at home. Since I have bills to pay, including but not limited to my medical bills, I have to go to work and push through it (no pun intended). It is not exactly fun to be running back and forth from the toilet at your place of work. Luckily I am well enough acquainted with all of my female coworkers that it’s not a huge deal for them to walk in and deal with me. In fact, oft times they offer to help me in any way possible. Get me some water, or something else I need. I am actually pretty lucky to have people who care for me in my place of work.

This morning when I woke up, I decided to see what two days of liquids and misery had done to my weight. We are trying to decrease the inflammation, and increase the flow of natural function. I hopped on the scale and took a look. Wait.. what? I hopped OFF the scale, let it reset, and stepped back on. r-GLOBAL-FAT-SCALE-large570 No. There is no way I GAINED four pounds in two days! What the hell? I know that when you are “starving” your body goes into survival mode, and stores everything that you take in. However, I know that I have not even taken in four pounds of anything, so seeing that I had gained that much frustrated me. Don’t get me wrong, I am more worried about getting this cyst to shrink or burst, and less worried about my weight, however I am so annoyed that even going through suffering like I am, I am still gaining weight. Over 50 lbs so far this year, and for what reason? I eat healthier than most people I know. I don’t eat gluten, I drink a lot of water, and I LOVE my fruits and veggies. I take in little dairy, and I eat meat maybe once a week. If that! I can’t help but be at least a little annoyed. I know we have taken me off the plaquenil, which may have been part of the reason I gained so much, and decreased another medication to only half dose.. but why do I keep gaining?

Each and every day that I have to face, there are more and more things to be sad about. Four pounds of weight on top of the weight I have already gained is just icing on the cake. I noticed some new stretch marks on my breasts today, which is no surprise. They have also almost doubled in size, and my clothes are getting smaller and smaller on me. I look in the mirror, and I barely recognize this body I am in. This wilting, bloated, fluctuating body that I have lived in for so long, but barely even know it anymore. I often forget what I look like on the outside during my day to day activities. I remember me how I feel on the inside, and passing mirrors or reflective windows pulls me out of the self image I keep in my head. I am often told how beautiful I am. Hot. “Bangable”. I got that one today.. but I just don’t believe it. I am covered in sore. There are small cysts growing under my skin on my neck, and face. I have 80 lbs of extra weight sitting on my bones. I just can’t look at myself and say, “You are everything you should and can be.” – I know what lies under what others see, and I wish I could show them what I know I am under this.. mask of a person I am. I have a lovely shape. My smile can radiate for miles! When I walk, heads turn and doors open. Tabs get paid, chairs get pulled out, and boyfriends get slapped. Men remember their fetish for redheads, and my eyes pierce through the toughest of shells. I know I am in there.. I know under these four pounds, upon four pounds, and MORE pounds.. I am still in there. I may be sick, weak, fat, and blistered right now but one day.. One day I will be me again. Right? I will be me?

Will I be me again?

Random Rant

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It has been awhile since I have posted a more detailed blog, and I am not sure why that is. I have so much to say, but each time I sat at my computer.. I had nothing to say. This week has been one of the most mellow at home weeks, yet one of the more intense work weeks. There was a recent Google Algorithm change that threw the entire SEO world off, and as someone who works for an SEO firm, we had to reassess and reevaluate the way that we perform our actions. Contact every client that has been affected, and revamp their campaigns. Working with other departments, and going over the new changes, there were decisions to be made, and major changes to implement. I also did multiple interviews, and had to rewrite the manual that we provide to new hires. Needless to say, it’s been an interesting week.

Aside from work, something else has been affecting me lately as well. I am up to a full 900mg of the gabapentin (Neurontin), and I haven’t felt better in.. months.. years? I don’t even know. My swelling is down, the pain is barely noticeable, and I have much more energy. I have had issues sleeping for quite some time. Not just because my “Horse” is no longer here to comfort me, but even when he was, I had issues from time to time. Trouble falling asleep. Staying asleep. Then trouble getting up. Since I have come to the dosage of 900 mg, I am now falling asleep faster, at a reasonable time, and able to get up easier. I am still having nightmares, and I still dream about my “Horse” almost every night, but it doesn’t seem to be as bad. I am generally in a better mood, and I feel… good. I don’t think I have felt this productive in such a long time, and aside from a few flares, I have had one of the best health weeks I have had in god knows how long. I did vomit today, but that was understandable. Spent 5 hours on my feet at the Zoo with my family, and I think I was glutened somehow. DSC_0585I am still a bit nauseated, my legs are sore, my hands ache, but before the gabapentin… a trip to the Zoo would have killed me. I would have been in bed for days! We will see what happens tomorrow, but I have a feeling that I am going to be ok. Sore.. tired.. but ok.

Since I have been feeling so good, and been able to get the sleep that I need, I took this week to spend with my daughters. They have seen mommy so sick, and so miserable for so long that I wanted to spend my time with my babies, since I didn’t know how long this good feeling would last. This week we have played outside, played parachute men, dug for worms, wrestled, played hair salon, painted our nails, snuggled like there was no tomorrow, gone to the Zoo, and so many other things. We have a pretty princess tea party planned for tomorrow, and I just can’t wait! On Tuesday my oldest sang in her first choir concert, and it was amazing. I did her hair and makeup for the event, and I cannot express the feelings that burst inside me as I watched my baby girl become such a beautiful young woman. In this blog post, this is the first time that I am using images from my life. I am finally sharing the beauty that I get to experience every day, and the joy that my babies beautiful little faces bring me. Every photo in this post I took. Insert life

Having the fog lifted from me this week, I have turned into a silly little sap. Everything around me is so wonderful, and all of those negative feelings have lifted for now. I am aware that this is not permanent, so I want to enjoy each and every moment I have! Since I know my limitations better now, I am able to feel out what I can and cannot do. I have been learning to count my spoons better, and determine approximately how many I have for the day based on how I feel when I wake up. I have begun to share this method of planning my day with my oldest daughter, and it seems to be working. She seems to be more cooperative with me when I explain how many spoons I figure I have that day. This morning we discussed what needed to be done before going to the Zoo, and how many spoons each item would take from me. DSC_0455 Together we decided I would sort some laundry for washing, and she would perform the action. I would get the little girls ready, and she would pack the lunches and snacks. I am very lucky to have her, and I have no idea what I would do if she was not around. I could not imagine not having the close, loving, and fun relationship I have with my oldest daughter. My girls are my everything, and I never understood those parents who don’t love and appreciate their children to the extent of not only being a parent, but also a friend.

Since I have been sick, I have had a lot of fluctuation of emotions. I have felt intense hatred. Pain. Loathing. Love. Everything under the sun, and then some. Sometimes all of the above in one day. HELL! In an HOUR! Illness seems to intensify so many emotions, and I feel like a totally different person during my flares. It is like Jekyll and Hyde, and I am fully aware, however cannot stop it. There is the version of me that exists today that did not exist a month ago. Six months ago! A YEAR AGO! I feel nothing but love, though my stomach is upset and I have vomited multiple times today. Today I saw the world as a beautiful, wonderful, loving place. I laughed with my family, walked around the entire Zoo, got excited over every animal I saw with my little 3 year old, and loved every moment of it. Right now I am free. I am open. I am love. But how long will this last? I have been called a negative person more times than I would ever like to be called one, however I like to think I am more realistic than anything. I am very much enjoying everything I have right now, but I also want to prepare myself for the fall. I have always felt that if you hope for the best, but prep for the worst, you won’t fall so hard if you end up tripping. Hence why I call myself “Posi Pesi” (This stands for Positive Pessimist, for those of you who didn’t figure that out yet), and proudly sport that attitude. I feel like everyone is entitled to their own way of life, and as long as you aren’t hurting others, there is no problem. 1347605598508 I have been told many times, even from the “Horse”, that my attitude comes off as bad, and I affect people negatively. I find this odd because I am often told I am one of the MOST confident people out there, and that my confidence is part of my attraction. My self esteem is intact as long as I am able to keep someone at a particular distance. Once you have broken past the barrier, I am a squishy, self conscious little girl who just needs love and support. Can I do things myself? Yes. Am I confident in my abilities as a mother, an employee, and a general human being? Yes. I feel like anyone who at least TRIES to do as they need to.. should be confident in themselves regardless.

Everyone I have let close to me, who see the weak, helpless side of me, has left. They seem to find this side of me.. threatening? Scary? I don’t know. Maybe too hard to handle the weight that my misery brings when it comes. I tend to try to bear everything on my shoulders, and when someone tries to help me with the burden, I fight as hard as I can to keep that from happening. The weight that I carry is so much more than anyone can even know, until they try to bear it with me. I have yet to have one person who has been able to stick through everything that I have to deal with. I understand I have a hard, miserable, and unattractive situation, but at the same time.. I often feel that I have so much to give, that it would be worth it. I have a hard time feeling comfortable and confident that my life can be shared with someone, and work out when all of my other attempts have fallen flat. Now, I know many things I did wrong. I have learned what I should and should not do with certain people, and I am trying to grow. This week I have spent no time with anyone but my children and work. No dates. No men. No anything. 1347605170533 My heart has been aching so much for the “Horse”, as I have been feeling such love.

Love. Such a funny thing it is. Love. I love my children. I love my family. I love my job… I love Jeff. I love that “Horse” so much, I can feel it bursting inside me and all I want to do is give this love to him. I have decided (again) that there is nothing wrong with how I feel, and sending loving vibes into the world does no harm at all. Sending loving vibes to him is not harmful either. I wish I could share these loving moments with him, and though it has been over four months now, I can’t seem to do anything else but feel them and let it be. Sometimes these feelings come on strong in times in woe, and I can do nothing but sob and let the ache of loss run it’s course. Other times these feelings come to me during times of joy, and fun. I want to tell him the jokes we made at work. I want to explain the algorithm changes. I want to snuggle up to him on movie night while all of our kids lay on the floor in a puddle of cuddles. I wish I had hugged his kids more, but I was so scared. I knew I loved them, and if I got too close.. when we split.. it would hurt. I miss them often as well. I cannot express how much joy it would have brought me today to bring them with us to the Zoo. Holding his hand while the kids run in all directions, screaming about this animal or that. Trying to keep them reeled in, but knowing it was totally pointless. Pictures. Snacks. Lunch. Riding the carousel. Luckily I have my babies, my loves to share this with, and maybe one day I will find someone that I love just was much as I do my “Horse” and his.. “foals”. It is what it is, and I need to move on.

Last Sunday I did have a date with a nice, responsible, and funny man. He is the older brother of my best friend’s ex roomate, and happens to also be an old neighbor. Our fathers were friends when we were younger, though I do not recall ever meeting him. He is 4 years my senior, and can remember my family quite clearly. He found me on an online dating site (don’t judge), and insisted I give him a chance. Though he is not really my type, and I don’t find him all that attractive, he has a wonderful personality, and the fact that he supports his 3 girls all by himself, as his ex wife simply stopped coming back 4 months ago, is also attractive. We often discuss our little girls, and laugh over the similarities in age personalities. He has the same dilemma as I do, raising children all alone, you never have time for yourself. We attempted to plan another date for tomorrow, however he was unable to find a sitter. 1347606130680 I feel so odd arranging dates and trying to move on when I still feel so strongly for my “Horse”. I never knew I could feel this way, and I have no idea why these feelings linger, but alas.. there they are. I feel like if I am able to bring myself out of this cloud that is him, I can find someone to give this love to. I have often told myself that I need to love myself as much as I feel I love my “Horse”, and perhaps this will help me with these feelings. I am unsure what will and will not work for me in any circumstance, but I know.. I know I just want to be happy. I am determined to be happy. I just need to find a way to do that.

I have found myself having a slight crush on someone I see in my day to day life. It is not something that could, or ever would happen, and I think that is why my feelings have turned this way. Something safe? Something comfortable, and not too risky? I am not sure why (Like most things), but this tends to keep my mind away from “him” during my work days. He is also single, (one of the 3 or 4 men that are) so it is fun to flirt around and joke. I am positive nothing will come of this… but I felt like adding it to my random.. rant. Obviously this blog has turned into a pretty unfocused and odd rant, but I am ok with that. It is 1:30am, and I have had one of the best weeks of my sick life. I haven’t been this happy since I was with Jeff, and that is saying a lot. I have yet to feel as happy as I was when I was with him… though my days were SO bipolar, I don’t even know if it was real or if it was the insanity of the illness taking over me. I choose to believe that everything I felt was real, as those feelings still linger inside me, even months later. There is this silly little saying that is poking around the internet that says: “Based on a psychological study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you are already in love.” – But what does it mean when you still long for that person 4 months after you break up? I have no idea. But here I am.. longing.. happy.. loving.. tired.. and ranting in the middle of the night.

Maybe I should call this blog “I love you” instead of random rant… Because.. Sadia.. Emma.. Alaina

1347606616044 Jeff.

I love you.

Loved you once.. Love you still. Always have. Always will.

/end rant

Morning Insanity

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As a single mom with RA some days are extra hard on me, as I have two little ones (6 and 3) that are completely insane. I say that with as much love and adoration as possible, but these two are awful. Ever since I got sick they have realized that mommy has little to no energy to deal with their insanity, and punishments are generally weak, if they even exist half the time. A simple “Please don’t do that” or a very angry mommy voiced “KNOCK THAT OFF!!” is what they experience on a daily basis. I am aware that my inconsistencies are part of the problem of their misbehavior. That and the fact that they only have one parent. Their fathers (yes fathers) are not around, and never really have been. We will refer to them as Girl Offspring #2 (GO2) for short, and Girl Offspring #3 (GO3) in this blog. GO2 has never met her dad, as far as she remembers. He abused my son just after she was born, and I took full custody of her. GO2’s dad was a bar fling after 2 years of being single. Being four years my junior, never having a real relationship, nor living away from his coddling mother, after 2 1/2 years I just couldn’t stand the guy anymore. Since then he has spent the majority of his time partying, and creating another child of which whom he also does not take care of. Luckily I was able to finally get some child support, but with him not being able to hold down a job, it hasn’t been the most consistent. I am on my own.

13989386-little-girls-wearing-a-pink-jacket-playing-with-colorful-paper-ship-in-the-puddleThis morning I woke up to the sounds of children playing outside my house. I looked at the clock. 8:38am. What are kids doing outside this early. I heard laughter and realized that it was my children. I jumped out of bed (holy fucking OUCH), opened my second story window and yelled at them to GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW! I promptly got up, used the bathroom, took my medication and headed downstairs. Much to my surprise, my once clean livingroom is now covered in food, toys, and toilet paper. What.. that.. fuck? Ok.. I am mad. “GO2!! WHERE ARE YOU?” No response. “GO2! GO3!!! WHAT THE HELL?! WHERE ARE YOU! GET IN HERE NOW!” No response.

I walk out the front door, and notice there is a laundry basket on the front lawn of my townhouse. Lovely. The clothes are strew on the dirty floor inside. Awesome. I call out for both of them again, and walk up and down the sidewalk. No response. Heading back inside I noticed the back door was slightly open. I walk out into the yard. Toys from the shed I had confiscated from them for misuse are thrown everywhere. The shed door is wide open, and there’s a train of junk. I am having family over for a BBQ today, and so this just irritates me. Walking out the back and into the large community yard, I call for them again. No answer. I hear rustling inside the house and hurry back in. “GO2!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!” GO1 looks at me with a strange face and asks, “What happened?” She is 13 years old and looks almost identical to me. She is my savior. Without her, I would not be able to function. She does things for me that the lacking co-parent would do. I feel guilty, but she does it willingly, knowing I am ill and I need the help. “GO2 and GO3 are missing! Help me find them!”

As I run back out the front door, my body aching already and pouring sweat, I notice movement in my car. I step closer and see that they are both in the front seat of the car, each pretending to drive. I scream for them to get out of the car, and see extra movement in the back seat. CATS!! The neighbors cats are IN MY CAR! I am allergic to cats, so this is just the icing on the cake. The windows are up, so there is no way they crawled in there themselves. My girls come flying out of the car, realizing how much trouble they are really in, and inside the house. I carefully remove the cats from my car, trying to touch them as little as possible Ugh… great. My throat begins to feel tight immediately, and my skin itches. What a great start to my day!

The next few hours consisted of deep cleaning, organizing and packing things into garbage bags. This is a terrible mess, and I have no idea how it even happened. The stress begins to overwhelm me, and I decide randomly to sing. Yes. Sing. I sing about my frustration, and it went something like this: *To the tune of The Never Ending Song* “Yes this is the day that really sucked! I woke up to such a mess! I told the girls to come inside and clean up their mess, but instead the put cats in my car and now I’m really pissed.” I continued to clean like this, and the anger eased up. I like this much better than freaking out. It may come off as insane, but I would rather come off as insane than explode. Keeping in the spirits of humor, I decided to vent on facebook about my morning. Everyone knows how my kids are, and that I have a hard time with them sometimes. This is how it went:

This is what I imagine the conversation went on between GO2 and GO3 this morning.

GO2: You know what would be so freaking cool?!? Playing with toilet paper rolls. We can use these awesome tweezers we stole from mom’s bathroom!! It will help usto spread raisins everywhere, and we can try to feed them to our 500 naked Barbies we decided to bring downstairs for no apparent reason otherwise to piss mom off for the umpteenth time this weekend!

little_girl_laughingGO3: That sounds like the most AWESOME plan EVER! You know what would be freaking KILLER? Since it’s only 8am and mom is still sleeping, exhausted from dealing with our insanity yesterday, let’s take this random laundry basket, dump all the clean clothes on the dirty floor, and go outside with it. That sounds awesome!

GO2: THAT SURE DOES!!! Know what else would just be the best thing in the whole world? Since mom is allergic to cats, let’s get the neighbors cats and put them in her car! That way she can have a terrible allergic reaction every time she gets in the car to go to work to work her butt off to support our crazy little asses ALL BY HERSELF!!!

GO3: That would be so EPIC! While we are at it, let’s get into the shed in the backyard and spread everything across the yard for no apparent reason. Since mom is having family over for a BBQ, won’t they be so impressed with all the random SHIT everywhere?

GO2: For sure! Let’s also so it in tutus that we wore from Halloween, and cut off chunks of our hair.

GO3: PERFECT!!!

My friends and family reacted appropriately with condolences, words of encouragement and humor. They all understand how I function, and know that if I could be the person I used to be, and have the capabilities I used to have that none of this would be happening. That I would have a much better grip on my life right now, my children, and my home. I have spent the last few hours cleaning, and am now taking a much needed break. I am going to make myself something to eat, as I have yet to eat, though it is almost noon. The irritation made me nauseated, and the though of eating made me sick. I just wanted to share in the interesting things my children do (also, this is not an uncommon occurrence. I cleaned the house 3 times yesterday), and how my day to day life goes at home. This morning was crappy, but the BBQ should be fun.

Morning insanity. Phew!