She Knows What To Do…

Dinner with my babies.

Amazing first date.

Amazing second date.

Fibro flare.

More fibro flare.

Offspring number three has surgery to remove nodule from hand.

This week has been a bit rough, yet amazing at the same time. Tonight I am sitting alone awake in the livingroom; one child on each couch, and one in my bed. I have considered going to bed multiple times, but my head is killing me. I don’t dare take more pain meds, because I do want to wake up tomorrow on time. I have many things to do, but I am not sure what I will accomplish. My right hand has been nearly useless and numb all week. It has ached and throbbed non stop. My shoulder, elbows, and hands are in constant pain. But I managed to do all of the above, and survive to tell the story.

Last week I received a message from a charming man who happened to grab my attention. He complimented my tattoos (like they all do) and insisted we talk. We exchanged random questions, and were acquainted quite fast. Within a few days we were texting. Then speaking on the phone.

“Are you awake? I want to hear your voice!”

Such a wonderful text to wake to, and to have someone respond so pleasantly to the achy sound of my morning voice is absolutely pleasant. I do want to clarify one thing before I continue: I am not really eager to push anything forward with my “Tie Man – AKA – Rain”, but he is pretty awesome. kissingcouplephotographysnowtreeswinter-6ed78a33a7c11af4110579968684e1aa_h_large I don’t see a long term romantic relationship with us, but if we can keep it as it’s going now, I know we will be great friends. We clicked immediately. Love the same shows, quotes, respond the same way in situations, and have the same jokes. Discovering this from 4 hour Skype calls (he lives 35 minutes away), a 7 hour first date, and an 8 hour second date. We speak every day – Text all day. He tells me about going out to the bar with his friends, and being the wingman for friends. He is honest about what he is doing, what happens when he is out, and I respect that. Tonight we spoke for almost two hours, mainly because his friend cancelled their night out. Offspring number three (who had surgery on her hand today – more on that later) got on the phone a few times as well. Because he was at my house a few nights ago, he has met my kids. I am not really the type to introduce someone so quickly, but there is something about him. Since my youngest cannot pronounce his name, they all call him “Rain”. We shall also call him Rain.

Tomorrow is going to be our official third date. We are going out to a piano bar, and I am actually quite excited. Rain is not really a drinker, so he is going to be my DD. I am hoping that my flare has let up a bit when we head out for the evening, but even if it has not, Rain is unusually attentive to my needs. A few nights ago when he was over I was having stabbing pains in my abdomen and he was very positively reactive. Asking if there was anything that he could do, and backing down when I let him know it would pass. He smiled at me and we continued on with our conversation. Each time it happened, he would make eye contact with me, ask if I was alright, and accept my answer. He did not panic, get upset, or bother me further about it. I am not sure if this is due to him being in the Army from the age of 18, or that he has been married twice. I find that he is oddly polite, caring, funny, and much like me. We will see if he has to offer the friendship I could very much use right now.

Today offspring number three had surgery on her hand. For a few years she has had a small bump on the inside of her thumb. We were told that it would likely just go away, and not to worry about it. I noticed that it was getting harder and harder, as well as obstructing the movement. Consulting a physician he agreed, as did the orthopedic surgeon he referred us to. So surgery was scheduled, and the nodule was to come out! Time to fix this lovely baby’s hand.

We were instructed to arrive at 7am, which was hard on my body, as well as the grumpy small children I had to dress at 6:30 this morning. I have been flaring all week long, and this morning was no different. My head ached, hands were killing me, and feet felt broken. Both knees throbbed, and I knew it was going to be a long day. sick-little-girl-hospital-bed-12171337 I was anxious about how she was going to do. If she was going to be ok, and if I was going to be ok. She is such a smart, lovely child and she immediately won the hearts of the entire staff. They were already giving her gifts left and right before she even went into the surgery. She was bouncy, silly, happy, and also angry with us. She was very concerned that she would not be able to watch what was going on with her hand during surgery, and that she had to sleep. When the Dr arrived her bouncing and happiness faded quickly. She crossed her arms, looked him right in the face and asked, “Are you going to put me to sleep and cut my hand open?” – Needless to say, this took the Dr off guard. The look on his face was priceless and in my weak and achy state, all I could do was laugh. Such a funny moment. A small (she is in the 10% for her height and weight for a 7 year old), smart little blond calling out a Dr, and making him explain the procedure before she went into surgery. It was amazing. I was so incredibly proud!! My baby. My girl. Going into surgery, and being more thorough than I ever expected. Then again, she is offspring number three. Notorious for being surprisingly beyond her years. My heart swelled as she glared at the Dr while he tried to avoid the question. Tried to distract her and dance around a direct answer; She was not having it. “Are you going to put me to sleep and CUT open my thumb to take out the bump?” – Finally he admitted the process when I explained that she was not going to back down until he told her. Once again… so proud. Love this baby.

She recovered well, and has dressing that needs to stay for the next week. She seems to be handling the pain and restrictions in stride, and was even playing video games earlier. It is funny because she understands that she needs to rest, partly because she related her surgery to the pain I feel every day. She informed the nurse that sometimes mommy gets really sick, so she knows what to do after her surgery. She knows that she will need kid medicine to control the pain, and she will need to rest. This both made me happy as well as sad. I am happy that she understands what is going on with me, but also upset that she KNOWS the basics of handling a painful situation due to my example. She followed suite, and was very good after coming home.

lit So tonight I am lounging.. watching Family Guy and trying to decide where I am going to sleep. Baby girl is on the love seat. Offspring 3 is on the couch. And last but not least, the teenager is on my bed. She loves my bed, and apparently she decided tonight she was going to sleep in it. Tomorrow is my official third date with Rain, and I know I should be sleeping. Writing this blog is making my hands ache, but I don’t care. My eyes are drifting off, but I somehow feel I need to complete this blog.

It may not make much sense, as I am blogging while on pain meds, and it is now 3am. I am exhausted, and probably a bit delirious. Don’t judge me…


You Should…

“That’s still going on?”

“Have you tried…?”

“Have you seen a Dr?”

“You should talk to your Dr about that.”

When you have a chronic illness, you have heard these remarks, and they get old fast. We have all held our tongues; smiled, nodded, and agreed. Even thanked people for their help and input. None of these are helpful in the slightest, as I know my body, and when things are wrong I will go see my Dr. A low grade fever for three days is not a Doctorable offense. New liquid filled cysts, and lumps in uncomfortable places is not something to rush to the nearest ER about. Ever woken up in a pool of your own blood? I sure have, and did I rush off to my Dr? No. Because the color, consistency, and amount did not qualify as something that I personally need to rush off and spend my hard earned money on another, “Just keep taking your meds, and try not to push yourself that hard again. If the bleeding blah blah blah blah!” Heard it all.

This has been another rough week for me, as I am sure you could have guessed by my last blog post. I have run fevers, thrown up, bled from every possible orifice that can bleed without threatening death, and woke up in so much pain, it took all my might not to scream at the top of my lungs. I have left epsom salt bath water black, had less than 20 hours sleep in the last 6 days, and have been popping pain meds left and right. massage-picture-fibro I called in an emergency 90 minute massage due to my muscles being SO tight, I could barely turn my head. I was an hour late to a date, which did not go so well. (He was religious, had no kids and wanted some. I am none of the above.) I have been late to work every day this week. Missed appointments. Forgotten about trainings. Etc. I can’t help but feel like such a failure some weeks, and though I am STILL going strong, I do feel a bit like a failure.

This week I got into the worst fight I have ever had with any of my siblings. My sister, who we will refer to as Delusional Hippy, got on my very last nerve. She has been poking at me for awhile, and I finally had enough. The worst part is that she doesn’t realize she is doing it. She comments on my photos, statuses, and other such social media outlets with such cruel implications hidden in innocent text. She recently implied that in order for me not to end up alone I need to lower my expectations and standards for a potential spouse. Also, there is a possibility that I will never find someone and will end up alone. She told me I needed to be ok with the possibility that there isn’t someone out there for me. O_o She said, “You seem to think you are incomplete without a man.” – Now, keep in mind that this is my sister who is married to a convicted felon who used to harass me about having sex with him. He pursued me for about 8 years, starting when I was about 13. Not a big fan of this man. He is currently in prison for the 3rd time. DH has not dated much, and is often described as ‘homely’. I am not going to toot my own horn, but even with the extra weight, skin problems, and chronic illnesses, I am still quite the looker. It is hard for me to even fathom that there isn’t someone out there who wants what I want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, and that doesn’t make me desperate or incomplete. I have a goal of sharing the love I have, and making a life for me and my girls. My sister and I had a blowout. With-physical-pain-you-can-pinpoint-a-problem-and-seek-the-appropriate-treatment-as-with-a-wound-or-a-broken-bone-but-it-is-vastly-more-difficult-to-pinpoint-the-cause-of-emotional-pain. I blocked her on 3 facebook accounts before she went to texting. One thing anyone who knows me understands is that if I want to be left alone, you back off. You let me be. She knew this, and pushed me to my brink. I snapped, and I tore into her like there was no tomorrow. It did not go well, and I have been sick ever since. Extra sick.

People tend to forget that emotional turmoil is also going to have a negative effect for the chronically ill. Stress causes so much pain, it is ridiculous. I broke out with 17 cysts, ranging from the size of a pea to silver dollar. Arm pits, face, neck, legs, etc. They are everywhere. Here I am emotionally and physically ill over something as silly as me being alone and sad. Being judged by a woman who is neglectful of her children, and needs of everyone but herself and her husband. She is inconsiderate, and rude, however I have always brushed it off as her personality. She is who she is and you take it with a grain of salt. I have always loved and supporter her in all her decisions. Want to marry a felon I am not really fond of? Ok. Still love you, keeping my mouth shut. If he makes you happy, and you are confident in your decision, who am I to tell you otherwise? Want to ignore the fact that your children only snack all day, every day and do not have a full nutritional diet at home? Ok. I expressed my concerns, she brushed them off. I watch my niece and nephews, and make sure they are properly dressed for the weather and eat when at my house. She is not physically abusive, and her children love her. I will express my concerns when they seem applicable, otherwise I will respect her parenting ways. It is not my direct business, and she is allowed to run her home as she pleases, just as I am. But when you step in and tell me that because of my VALUES, and my STANDARDS, I am going to be alone. As if someone of that caliber would never have interest in someone like me. How dare you?

“You are always sick. You seem sad.” – Of course I am sad! Being sick is sad!

article-2218035-1583EAED000005DC-685_634x423 “You know that a man won’t fix your illness.” – I am aware of this. Nothing can ‘fix’ my illness. But I want to share what I can with someone, and show my girls that love can blossom out of the worst of situations. Also, I think that it would be a lot easier to make it up my stairs when I am super sick if I had some nice big arms assisting me in my journey.

“You need to understand that marriage has ups and downs. It’s not all good.” – What. In. The. Good. Hell? Are you kidding me? Please.. just… I am not even going to address this one, as this is just a joke that as a divorced 29 yr old woman who has been in MORE of a married relationship in the last 2 years with a man I never lived with than she has.

So, here I am…. sick, tired, and getting unwanted advice on not only my health, but also my love life. Basically feeling like those around me feel I am unable to properly determine when I need to see a Dr, or how to care for my own broken body. Nor am I capable of creating a happy marriage one day because I have high standards, and I am too sick to expect someone of that caliber to be interested in me. Perhaps I should lower my expectations and marry a felon. Seems like someone like that might ACTUALLY be interested in me, and fill that empty part of me that is ‘incomplete without a man’. Because, you know.. I am not complete without a penis, but I should probably accept that it is likely I will never find one that will put up with my shitty life.

Umm.. I may or may not be bitter this week, and angry. Sitting at the front desk in such pain I am thinking it would be better to be numb from the neck down. My head is throbbing on the right side, vision is blurry, and my right index finger is swelling. I am not sure if the emotions caused the flare, or the flare caused the emotions, but either way it is shitty. Either way this week was awful. I can’t take the pain meds that would kill this pain, as they will knock me out. I am beat, and I have an entirely full weekend ahead of me. This is not a good mix…

I apologize for this blog. It is crazy, all over the place, but I needed to vent. Thank you for not judging the crap out of me.

Tonight After Work

Today is Friday, and I cannot wait until I can finally end this week, fall into my couch and snuggle with my sweet little babies. This morning was full of break downs, forgotten medications, and a whole lot of “What the fuck?” moments. But let’s just accept the fact that life never stops, and I am not anywhere near done with days like this. However, I am done with work mornings for the next two days, and I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday I finally replaced my oldest daughter’s phone, and she just happened to get the upgraded version of mine as a replacement, as they no longer had hers in stock. She’s been waiting for so long, and it is honestly a relief to be able to text her from my bed again. lol – Afterward I met my favorite male coworker at Texas Roadhouse, and he so kindly bought me dinner. I am so incredibly indecisive on what anything means to me anymore, so I am going to take it one day at a time and just let each one do as it pleases. I have always thought that Jeremy was an attractive man, but even to this day it feels like my attraction is a betrayal. As my blog has so obviously been altered by my recent burst of emotions, I should probably mention that I caved and I emailed my “Horse”. I made a complete fool of myself by emailing him and begging him to at least talk to me. I have been aching and weeping over my feelings for him over the last few weeks, and I feel like such a ridiculous fool. The conversation that ensued was about what I expected. He expressed his complete lack of interest to have anything to do with me, and requested that I not contact him any further. My heart was aching, which in turn caused my body to ache. It is such an odd thing to have your feelings affect your health at such a fast rate. article-1342100-01EC2DA9000004B0-315_468x286 I could be feeling fine one moment, then stress will wash over me like a tsunami and bring the aches and pains with it. There is no way to describe the way it feels to have your mind and body ache in the same way. I have so many pain points throughout my body, that when I am feeling weak they are so tender to the touch. It was even harder to hold the tears in until I arrived home.

Once I was through the door, my eyes began to leak and I couldn’t stop. I sat on the couch and let my sorrow spill out. I knew that if I didn’t let myself cry, I would end up in more pain, and have more aches. This was the night that I was to attend a movie with my sister, and I had to let it all out before it was time to go. Obviously upon her arrival she noticed the reddened face, the puffy cheeks, and the lack of makeup. I explained that it had been a stressful day, and that I just needed some downtime. I didn’t want to try to explain my ridiculousness, my self inflicted emotion (and now physical) pain, or what had caused it. There is a reason they say that only fools fall in love, and I just happen to be one of them. A few friends who know what is going on have been very supportive, and keep telling me I will get past it. “Give it another few months, and you will be fine.” – How can I be fine when even just thinking of him causes my joints, my heart, my insides to ache and throb? I just need more distractions, and less time to sit and think of him. I have been spending most of my time with just family, minus the few hours spent out with Jeremy, in hopes that I can just soak in the love from them. The physical touch of my children, the snuggles, and love often times relieves the stress and I am able to relax enough to forget all about him and just enjoy my day. Besides my sweet little family, I do have some really great friends that I can rely on to keep me level headed.

I have to say that I have been laughing more over the last month or so than I have in quite some time, thanks to the closeness I have developed with a few work friends. The receptionist/admin Kendall (female) has been such an awesome and funny person to be around. Though, she is the one that encouraged me to email Jeff, she insists that when two people loved each other, and were as close as we were, there is no way that what I did could have caused all of that to go away. There has to be something left, and he should at least want to be my friend. I have tried to explain the hardships and emotions behind each and every comment, but it is simply impossible. She is one of the most genuine and funny people I have ever met in my life, right up with Kay and Gary, who I also happen to work with. Today was Kendall’s birthday, and though her husband delivered gluten-full cupcakes, Kay showed up with two entire bags of gluten free chocolate candy. women_laughing_blog-572x290 We were not only instructed, but basically ORDERED to consume the contents of both bags! This kind of behavior (along with all of the horribly inappropriate jokes we make), is exactly what keeps me from sinking into the depression my illnesses, and loss constantly taunts me with. I don’t think that my coworkers realize how much they are my saving grace. How much they are the one of only reasons (along with my family and fellow bloggers) that without Jeff I have been able to carry on, and have fought that gray cloud that at times seems so incredibly tempting.

Tonight after work I am heading over to the store to purchase contents for movie night with my babies. I am going to snuggle with my sweet little girls, and fight the urge to think about, and mourn Jeff. Each and every moment that goes by should bring me closer and closer to being fine without him, yet it seems that recently it has gotten worse. We are over four months down, and I still feel like it was just weeks ago. I have been physically feeling much better since being on the neurontin, but it seems as though I am more and more aware of the emotions I feel due to the lack of constant, severe physical pain. Once again, the problem is that though the medication is working, as my heart aches, the pain returns. The stress and pain I feel emotionally spreads through my body, and once again I feel like the biggest fool as my body throbs with regret. I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life, and I should be so very grateful for everyone that loves me. This has been enough for me to carry on, feeling as though I can make it. I love the people in my life SO very much, and I wish I could share this love with him. I wish I hadn’t released all my frustrations, all my hurt, and all my doubts upon him. He said that I made him feel worse than he ever had in his life, and knowing his history, this crushed me. The cruelty that I have inside me, the horrible things I am capable of, I simply cannot even imagine doing again. To anyone.

Tonight after work I am going to drive my coworker home. I am going to get frozen pizza and popcorn. I am going to snuggle, love, and be happy with what I am. With what I have. Weekend fun. Woo!

Every Minute of Every Day

For each and every man I have dated, interacted with, slept with, or whatever other form of contact, my coworker/friends have had nicknames for them. From “David Beckahm” down to “Has all his teeth”. We come up with the most random things to label each and every one of them. I have probably interacted with (on some level) at least 15 men over the last 4 months. I have been actively trying to keep my mind occupied with the opposite sex so that I don’t think of a certain someone. The conclusion? It doesn’t work.

As much pain as I am in on a daily basis, today being one of the days it is pretty bad, though I am working regardless, I can’t keep my mind occupied long enough to not think of him every day. Every fucking day. The more pain I am in, the more I long for him. My heart aches, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. All I want is to climb into his lap, smell his scent, and his warm hand on my head. head-in-his-hands I want to hear his voice tell me that it is ok, and call me baby. The only conclusion I can come to is that I am insane. That the pain I feel physically is attached emotionally to him since I was with him when I initially became ill. He has been the only one who was able to comfort me to the point of me feeling at least remotely ok. During the last bit, we were so emotionally off base, it caused my physical pain to skyrocket, and my heart, body, and entire being to just burst with pain. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, but I know it is getting to the point where I am just going to give up on trying to heal my self destructed broken heart. I did this to myself. I am not sure I am ever going to fully heal from this, or if I will ever find someone who can make me feel at least partially ok with losing Jeff. Losing.. well.. removing him forcefully from my life.

Today my head is throbbing. My feet are killing me. I have a blanket folded and placed under my elbows just so I can sit at my desk and work. I have been forcing myself to ignore the pain, and just focus on my work. I have to get up every 20 minutes or so and walk around, or my legs become numb. My head is a whirl with thoughts, and each one leads back to him. I am going to see a movie with my sister tonight, and I know I will enjoy it. She is going to be driving, so I am comfortable taking some pain medication before we leave. I am longing for the two hour distraction that 3D Gravity in IMAX is going to bring me. Anything that will keep my mind off of him is a saving grace. Talking to my coworkers, distracting myself with as much work as I can handle. ANYTHING to keep my emotions intact, and prevent the total sobbing break down I wish I could fall into right now. Over my pain. My illness. My lost love.

Today one of my close coworkers looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I missed him. I knew she would know if I lied so my response was, “Every minute of every day.” End of conversation.

I am crazy.

Random Rant

It has been awhile since I have posted a more detailed blog, and I am not sure why that is. I have so much to say, but each time I sat at my computer.. I had nothing to say. This week has been one of the most mellow at home weeks, yet one of the more intense work weeks. There was a recent Google Algorithm change that threw the entire SEO world off, and as someone who works for an SEO firm, we had to reassess and reevaluate the way that we perform our actions. Contact every client that has been affected, and revamp their campaigns. Working with other departments, and going over the new changes, there were decisions to be made, and major changes to implement. I also did multiple interviews, and had to rewrite the manual that we provide to new hires. Needless to say, it’s been an interesting week.

Aside from work, something else has been affecting me lately as well. I am up to a full 900mg of the gabapentin (Neurontin), and I haven’t felt better in.. months.. years? I don’t even know. My swelling is down, the pain is barely noticeable, and I have much more energy. I have had issues sleeping for quite some time. Not just because my “Horse” is no longer here to comfort me, but even when he was, I had issues from time to time. Trouble falling asleep. Staying asleep. Then trouble getting up. Since I have come to the dosage of 900 mg, I am now falling asleep faster, at a reasonable time, and able to get up easier. I am still having nightmares, and I still dream about my “Horse” almost every night, but it doesn’t seem to be as bad. I am generally in a better mood, and I feel… good. I don’t think I have felt this productive in such a long time, and aside from a few flares, I have had one of the best health weeks I have had in god knows how long. I did vomit today, but that was understandable. Spent 5 hours on my feet at the Zoo with my family, and I think I was glutened somehow. DSC_0585I am still a bit nauseated, my legs are sore, my hands ache, but before the gabapentin… a trip to the Zoo would have killed me. I would have been in bed for days! We will see what happens tomorrow, but I have a feeling that I am going to be ok. Sore.. tired.. but ok.

Since I have been feeling so good, and been able to get the sleep that I need, I took this week to spend with my daughters. They have seen mommy so sick, and so miserable for so long that I wanted to spend my time with my babies, since I didn’t know how long this good feeling would last. This week we have played outside, played parachute men, dug for worms, wrestled, played hair salon, painted our nails, snuggled like there was no tomorrow, gone to the Zoo, and so many other things. We have a pretty princess tea party planned for tomorrow, and I just can’t wait! On Tuesday my oldest sang in her first choir concert, and it was amazing. I did her hair and makeup for the event, and I cannot express the feelings that burst inside me as I watched my baby girl become such a beautiful young woman. In this blog post, this is the first time that I am using images from my life. I am finally sharing the beauty that I get to experience every day, and the joy that my babies beautiful little faces bring me. Every photo in this post I took. Insert life

Having the fog lifted from me this week, I have turned into a silly little sap. Everything around me is so wonderful, and all of those negative feelings have lifted for now. I am aware that this is not permanent, so I want to enjoy each and every moment I have! Since I know my limitations better now, I am able to feel out what I can and cannot do. I have been learning to count my spoons better, and determine approximately how many I have for the day based on how I feel when I wake up. I have begun to share this method of planning my day with my oldest daughter, and it seems to be working. She seems to be more cooperative with me when I explain how many spoons I figure I have that day. This morning we discussed what needed to be done before going to the Zoo, and how many spoons each item would take from me. DSC_0455 Together we decided I would sort some laundry for washing, and she would perform the action. I would get the little girls ready, and she would pack the lunches and snacks. I am very lucky to have her, and I have no idea what I would do if she was not around. I could not imagine not having the close, loving, and fun relationship I have with my oldest daughter. My girls are my everything, and I never understood those parents who don’t love and appreciate their children to the extent of not only being a parent, but also a friend.

Since I have been sick, I have had a lot of fluctuation of emotions. I have felt intense hatred. Pain. Loathing. Love. Everything under the sun, and then some. Sometimes all of the above in one day. HELL! In an HOUR! Illness seems to intensify so many emotions, and I feel like a totally different person during my flares. It is like Jekyll and Hyde, and I am fully aware, however cannot stop it. There is the version of me that exists today that did not exist a month ago. Six months ago! A YEAR AGO! I feel nothing but love, though my stomach is upset and I have vomited multiple times today. Today I saw the world as a beautiful, wonderful, loving place. I laughed with my family, walked around the entire Zoo, got excited over every animal I saw with my little 3 year old, and loved every moment of it. Right now I am free. I am open. I am love. But how long will this last? I have been called a negative person more times than I would ever like to be called one, however I like to think I am more realistic than anything. I am very much enjoying everything I have right now, but I also want to prepare myself for the fall. I have always felt that if you hope for the best, but prep for the worst, you won’t fall so hard if you end up tripping. Hence why I call myself “Posi Pesi” (This stands for Positive Pessimist, for those of you who didn’t figure that out yet), and proudly sport that attitude. I feel like everyone is entitled to their own way of life, and as long as you aren’t hurting others, there is no problem. 1347605598508 I have been told many times, even from the “Horse”, that my attitude comes off as bad, and I affect people negatively. I find this odd because I am often told I am one of the MOST confident people out there, and that my confidence is part of my attraction. My self esteem is intact as long as I am able to keep someone at a particular distance. Once you have broken past the barrier, I am a squishy, self conscious little girl who just needs love and support. Can I do things myself? Yes. Am I confident in my abilities as a mother, an employee, and a general human being? Yes. I feel like anyone who at least TRIES to do as they need to.. should be confident in themselves regardless.

Everyone I have let close to me, who see the weak, helpless side of me, has left. They seem to find this side of me.. threatening? Scary? I don’t know. Maybe too hard to handle the weight that my misery brings when it comes. I tend to try to bear everything on my shoulders, and when someone tries to help me with the burden, I fight as hard as I can to keep that from happening. The weight that I carry is so much more than anyone can even know, until they try to bear it with me. I have yet to have one person who has been able to stick through everything that I have to deal with. I understand I have a hard, miserable, and unattractive situation, but at the same time.. I often feel that I have so much to give, that it would be worth it. I have a hard time feeling comfortable and confident that my life can be shared with someone, and work out when all of my other attempts have fallen flat. Now, I know many things I did wrong. I have learned what I should and should not do with certain people, and I am trying to grow. This week I have spent no time with anyone but my children and work. No dates. No men. No anything. 1347605170533 My heart has been aching so much for the “Horse”, as I have been feeling such love.

Love. Such a funny thing it is. Love. I love my children. I love my family. I love my job… I love Jeff. I love that “Horse” so much, I can feel it bursting inside me and all I want to do is give this love to him. I have decided (again) that there is nothing wrong with how I feel, and sending loving vibes into the world does no harm at all. Sending loving vibes to him is not harmful either. I wish I could share these loving moments with him, and though it has been over four months now, I can’t seem to do anything else but feel them and let it be. Sometimes these feelings come on strong in times in woe, and I can do nothing but sob and let the ache of loss run it’s course. Other times these feelings come to me during times of joy, and fun. I want to tell him the jokes we made at work. I want to explain the algorithm changes. I want to snuggle up to him on movie night while all of our kids lay on the floor in a puddle of cuddles. I wish I had hugged his kids more, but I was so scared. I knew I loved them, and if I got too close.. when we split.. it would hurt. I miss them often as well. I cannot express how much joy it would have brought me today to bring them with us to the Zoo. Holding his hand while the kids run in all directions, screaming about this animal or that. Trying to keep them reeled in, but knowing it was totally pointless. Pictures. Snacks. Lunch. Riding the carousel. Luckily I have my babies, my loves to share this with, and maybe one day I will find someone that I love just was much as I do my “Horse” and his.. “foals”. It is what it is, and I need to move on.

Last Sunday I did have a date with a nice, responsible, and funny man. He is the older brother of my best friend’s ex roomate, and happens to also be an old neighbor. Our fathers were friends when we were younger, though I do not recall ever meeting him. He is 4 years my senior, and can remember my family quite clearly. He found me on an online dating site (don’t judge), and insisted I give him a chance. Though he is not really my type, and I don’t find him all that attractive, he has a wonderful personality, and the fact that he supports his 3 girls all by himself, as his ex wife simply stopped coming back 4 months ago, is also attractive. We often discuss our little girls, and laugh over the similarities in age personalities. He has the same dilemma as I do, raising children all alone, you never have time for yourself. We attempted to plan another date for tomorrow, however he was unable to find a sitter. 1347606130680 I feel so odd arranging dates and trying to move on when I still feel so strongly for my “Horse”. I never knew I could feel this way, and I have no idea why these feelings linger, but alas.. there they are. I feel like if I am able to bring myself out of this cloud that is him, I can find someone to give this love to. I have often told myself that I need to love myself as much as I feel I love my “Horse”, and perhaps this will help me with these feelings. I am unsure what will and will not work for me in any circumstance, but I know.. I know I just want to be happy. I am determined to be happy. I just need to find a way to do that.

I have found myself having a slight crush on someone I see in my day to day life. It is not something that could, or ever would happen, and I think that is why my feelings have turned this way. Something safe? Something comfortable, and not too risky? I am not sure why (Like most things), but this tends to keep my mind away from “him” during my work days. He is also single, (one of the 3 or 4 men that are) so it is fun to flirt around and joke. I am positive nothing will come of this… but I felt like adding it to my random.. rant. Obviously this blog has turned into a pretty unfocused and odd rant, but I am ok with that. It is 1:30am, and I have had one of the best weeks of my sick life. I haven’t been this happy since I was with Jeff, and that is saying a lot. I have yet to feel as happy as I was when I was with him… though my days were SO bipolar, I don’t even know if it was real or if it was the insanity of the illness taking over me. I choose to believe that everything I felt was real, as those feelings still linger inside me, even months later. There is this silly little saying that is poking around the internet that says: “Based on a psychological study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you are already in love.” – But what does it mean when you still long for that person 4 months after you break up? I have no idea. But here I am.. longing.. happy.. loving.. tired.. and ranting in the middle of the night.

Maybe I should call this blog “I love you” instead of random rant… Because.. Sadia.. Emma.. Alaina

1347606616044 Jeff.

I love you.

Loved you once.. Love you still. Always have. Always will.

/end rant

None of them are for me..

I have been trying to figure out what I want from myself right now. I am a mess. I am tired, I am sore, I am grumpy. My knees now click every time I take a step, but luckily I see an Orthopedic Surgeon tomorrow afternoon. I have gained 50 lbs since January, and I am so physically miserable. But what does that mean for me over all? What do I want from MYSELF? Am I really that unhappy with my body, or am I afraid that others will be unhappy and displeased with me? Am I afraid that someone else won’t love me for how I look because of all of the rejection and insults I have endured? Because of the expectations that are set for me? I want to be healthy, and I want to look good.. but more than that, I want someone to love me for how I am. Whether I am 300 lbs or 100 lbs, I want someone to be ok with that. No. Not just OK with that, but love me completely for how I am.

WaisttoHipRatioFrom my understanding of the illnesses I have, the medications I will be off and on for the rest of my life, and everything else that comes along, I will be dealing with a lot of changes. There will be weight fluctuations. There will be hormone changes. There will be additional problems in the future, and I will have struggles. But what does that mean for not only my love life, but my support system? Can I find someone who will love me and I will love back equally? Will things work out for me, and my children? I have no idea, but I know I want that.

The amount of emotional fluctuations with Jeff was insane. The emotional roller-coaster that was Jeff and his situation (mixed with mine) left me emotionally deprived. I longed (and still long) for more from that situation. After the breakup he told me all about how quickly he fell for me. How much he loved me, and wanted me. However, our entire relationship he was so distant and strange. He implied on a regular basis that he did NOT want to be with me, and did not enjoy our relationship. This put constant strain on everything we had, and caused a huge amount of insecurity. My insecurity fed into his, and it was just an ugly downward spiral from there. The amount of love I felt, and will always feel for him is more than I have ever felt for anyone, and as time goes on I realize that there were so many things right with us.. but just more things wrong.

couples-tattoos-i-love-him-i-love-herSo what I want now is to find someone who can love me as much as I can love them. I want an equal, caring, and supportive situation. I want to not only find my best friend, but my life partner. That may sound cheesy, and silly at this point.. but I really need to get myself there. I have three girls at home who rely on me. I have an entire office of people who rely on me. Who do I have to rely on? That is where it ends. Now, don’t get me wrong! I get plenty of support and satisfaction from my children and my work, but something is missing. I know that someone is missing from my life, and that he is out there. I know I can find what I need, and BE what someone needs from me. There is a fitting puzzle piece out there for me, and I want to find him. Whether that is tomorrow, next week, a year, or five years from now, I am going to find him! What does that mean for my current love interests? It means that they are not “love” interests. Nobody has given me that special feeling. Even though Josh was such a fun person to be around, it’s just not there. Joel? Joey? Anyone? No. It’s just not there, and none of them are the one for me. But I won’t give up. I will find that special someone that I can share my life with one day, and who will want to share theirs with me just as much.

Call me a hopeless romantic.. but I will find him.

Monday Fun Day?

First Off: I think I might be addicted to blogging now.. and that is ok.

I woke up this morning swollen and in pain. I was awake off and on for about an hour before I actually got out of bed. Once I got to my feet, the same thing that I have been experiencing for the last few days happened. My swollen feet squished beneath my weight, and my right leg screamed in pain!! I am limping today, and I look awkwardly like a penguin. Reminds me of being pregnant. I was able to make it to the bathroom; spent about 15 minutes on the toilet because I didn’t have the energy to get up. Good morning rheumatoid arthritis! I text my co-workers and let them know I was not doing so great, but I would try to make it in.

I made my way downstairs, and realized that I had yet to take my medication. Ugh.. there is NO way I am making it back up the 15 stairs to my bedroom. Sending your 6 year old daughter to fetch your pill sorter is a bit sad, but it is my life now, and I need to accept it. I made my way to the couch, and settled in. My hips are killing me, and my whole right side is in pain. My whole body tingles, and I feel really warm. My little ones are crying for food (they always think they are starving), but I don’t have the energy to get back up yet. have been reading about some of the ways to deal with RA. I am wanting to get back to the gym, and start doing a few work outs. Swimming, and very light walking seems like the best way to start. One thing that I have been reading about dealing with illnesses is physical contact. Having full body physical contact with another human being actually releases healing hormones, that also help and can even prevent depression. One article on ABC News goes into this a little bit further. I have been having my girls snuggle me when I am feeling icky, and laying on the couch. I have to admit that it has helped, though I have ended up with some bruises from their little elbows and knees. Overall, it is worth the minor bumps and bruises.

I have a few male friends that I know who would be willing to come over and snuggle with me, but I am afraid that they will expect sex. After reading around the internet further, it seems that cuddling, then sex, then cuddling again ACTUALLY helps your immune system, as well as other benefits. The benefits of sex for physical healing is quit surprising. Being a single woman, I can’t help but think that perhaps I should inquire and begin a casual sexual relationship. I have started such a relationship with Josh, and I am considering showing him the links I have posted above. Maybe make some kind of arrangement with him so that he can help me feel better.

My last post talks about how I am going to kick RA’s ass, which is what has prompted me to look into ways I can heal myself and help get back to normal. The medications I am on are a great starting point, and I may need to increase a few doses or even go on something stronger in the future. I need to prepare myself for that, and be ready to kick some ass if need be! But this discovery is peaking my interest. I am not a real touchy feely person, and am not super fond of coming in contact with people.. but now.. now I am thinking that I actually need to come in regular contact with people on a daily basis. I feel like one thing I need to do in order to be the badass I need to be is to help myself heal. Physical and sexual contact is an easy to administer home treatment for pain, and helping my immune system.

CE3D5E26AC9552E85D83EC32C18D6_h351_w526_m2_bblack_q99_p99_cbfKaHxJJNow, my readers may think I am very odd, and being open to casual sex means that I am promiscuous. This may be true, though I mentioned before that I tend to be a serial monogamous. What I mean is that for the last 14 years I have entered into 5 serious relationships. The first one lasted off and on from the time I was 14 until I was 17. We had a baby girl together when I was 15, and during my pregnancy he became addicted to meth. I tried for years to get him to get off the drug, but to no avail. After 3 years I finally decided that it was time to give up. I was single for about 6 months before I started my relationship with my now ex husband. We lasted 3 years, and had a son. Then came the rebound a month later, and we lasted 18 months, and had a baby girl. I decided at that point that it was time for me to stay single, and I casually dated for about 2 years, but never had a real relationship. One night, I took a man home that I had known for about a month, and we started our relationship. This lasted for 2 1/2 years, and resulted in a baby girl. Now, don’t think I am stupid and just don’t know how to use birth control! My oldest daughter was conceived from pure ignorance, and ONE time without a condom. I can name the date, and almost the exact time I conceived her. The other three were ALL conceived with multiple forms of birth control. I decided to get my tubes tied after my 4th. I had enough with accidental pregnancies. My 5th serious relationship came just two months after my relationship ended. This was with Jeff, and if you have read any of my previous blogs, you all know how this ended. At least I didn’t have a baby with him… that would have been awful. But I digress…

Now that I have been single for about 2 months now, and still have NO urge to be in a relationship with anyone, having the cuddles and sex that I need to help me heal is going to have to occur with casual sex, and cuddles. I am sure that my male friends would have no issues with this, however I do not want to have multiple sexual partners. This is where it gets complicated for me. If I want regular cuddles to help with my healing, I am going to need more than one person. Cuddling with just one person is going to start to create an emotional bond with them, and I do not want that to happen. Also, it may send the wrong message; I do not want a relationship!! However, I do want to heal and honestly.. at this point being a serial cuddler at this point sounds much better and more applicable than being a serial monogamous.

Being sick with an autoimmune disease is hard in general, and doing it alone is ridiculously hard. I have to admit that I need help, which is very hard for me. So in order for me to kick rheumatoid arthritis’s ass, and get my life back I need to allow myself to accept every type of treatment that I can get to get myself back there. Back to who I was, and back to where I want to be! So, is this something I should take into consideration and become a cuddle slut?

I am strongly considering this…

Easy like Sunday Morning

This morning I woke up to many things. Texts telling me that the new baby is here, and I finally get to meet Lilly; my best friend’s baby girl. Texts with winky faces from Joel, and one calling me a “loser with awesome tits”. My friends are so nice to me… Thank you Dustin. I will keep that in mind next time I look in the mirror and doubt myself. But the most prominent thing that I woke with is pain. All over. My whole body hurts! My throat is tight, and burns when I swallow. I have a blister on the right side of my mouth, and small blisters on my cheeks, as well as ones that lead from my chin down my neck. The right side of my body is in more pain than the left, as I assume I slept on it funny. My right arm is mostly numb, and my right knee is killing me. The alarm for my pills is going off, but Sunday morning is when I refill it.

285x285_IBS_Symptoms_Pain_2My bed is a mess. The sheets pulled up off one corner, and my blanket are in twists that I have no idea how I managed. I move, and pain shoots through my neck, down both arms and into my back. My stomach turns. Every time I move, I can feel my muscles tighten, and the soreness burns. Ugh.. I was doing so well, and now I am struggling to get out of bed. How long is it going to take me today? I lay in bed trying to get my vision together; I can’t see. Rubbing my eyes hurts my hands and my eyes, but I have to get my vision as clear and possible. I realize that half my hand is numb. Lovely. I shift to be flat on my back, and again the pain takes over. I consider getting up to get pain medication, but I am going to see Jenni and her baby today. I refuse to drive once I take the medication. Reluctantly I force myself into sitting position and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. My whole body tenses up, as little pins and needles feel like they are tearing through my joints. I refuse to stay in bed any longer!!

Once I am to my feet, I can feel the swelling. Dammit. My whole body is swollen, and I feel my feet squish under my weight. Step one: My right leg stiffens up, and I nearly lose my balance. Pain shoots from my knee down to my feet. Step two, my left leg aches, but I can put my full weight on it. Fantastic. I limped my way to the bathroom. I haven’t felt this bad in a few weeks, and I have no idea why it is that I am feeling like this now. I wouldn’t call this an RA flareup, but I am not quite sure what to call it. Normal RA problems? The aches and pains I feel are pretty common, from what I have read online, but I don’t know if I can ever get used to this. I have been in pain for two years now, and it has taken a HUGE toll on my body. I look at the pictures of me that were taken just a few years ago, and I look so much younger. I feel like I have aged 5 years in two. I used to look much younger than I do now, but now I am looking my age, and even have people who guess older than I really am. This is honestly very depressing. I have gain 30 lbs since going on my new medication, and I feel horribly unattractive. Jeff’s insults about my looks, my body, and my home spin through my head. Now he is with someone who has no children, and is in great shape. That doesn’t say anything about who I am as a person, and everything about who he is.. but it hurts none the less. I can’t help but feel shame about my body.

Josh responded very positively to me, but I am still self conscious. I worry he is thinking the same thing that Jeff did, but is hiding it from me. Same with anyone else I come in contact with who says I am attractive. I don’t feel attractive most days. I don’t feel healthy, strong, or attractive most days. But I have realized why…

woman-with-head-in-handsDuring the last few years I have been told I am too harsh, too abrasive, and a bit aggressive. I am also praised for my strength, and my ability to push through every little thing that is thrown my way! I am strong! I am a warrior, and I am looked up to by many. So why try to change me? As I have become softer, and sweeter to please my significant other, I have lost my ability to handle the things that come my way. I have slowly become weaker and weaker, and though my physical state has a huge part of this, I have emotionally become weak as well. This is understandable, right? Anyone else would do just the same, and I can’t be blamed for my sorrows. But I am NOT just anyone. I am not the same as everyone else! I am ME! I am a fucking warrior! I have made many trips to hell, and came back with a glorious smile, flexing my emotional muscles to show the world that it can’t take me down!!! How have I been able to do this time and time again? Why am I not able to handle this nearly as much as I could before? Because I have been worn down, and smoothed out. Some may think this is a good thing, but when life is constantly throwing you under the bus, being soft and squishy gets you killed.

It takes a special kind of person to deal with a woman like me, and though I loved Jeff, I am beginning to realize that trying to adjust myself to be what he and his kids needed was actually destroying my ability to deal with my own life. The amount of love I have for them will never go away, but I am never going to be the soft, sweet woman they need. I am rough around the edges, and can be hard as a rock, but that is who I need to be. I can not be an emotional, sweet, affectionate mother. A sweet, patient, soft voiced woman is not what I am, and trying to soften myself for them has slowly caused my own personal erosion. As much as I would like it to be different, the BITCH in me is what gets me through my life. When I look back at my life, all of the pain and anguish I suffered, I was able to get through it by putting my BITCH face on. That is what I need to do now.

CaptureNow, don’t get me wrong. I don’t need to be a bitch to those around me. That is not what I am saying at all right now. What I am saying is I need to look RA in the face, and refuse to back down. I need to be a complete bitch to RA. I need to puff out my chest, get in my warrior stance, and push RA to the ground! I need to start a fight with RA because it has been knocking me around for years, and trying to be the soft squishy mother/gf that was needed at the time has caused me to fall. I need to get back up!! I need to pull my anger, my bitterness, and my anguish together and put my walls back up! Right now is not a time for love. It is not a time to try to open my heart to others, and be what SOMEONE else needs. Right now it is time for ME! It is time for me to knock this shit down, and be the badass bitch that I really am!

I am a warrior!

I am a badass!

I AM A BITCH! And I am DAMN proud of it!!! Rheumatoid Arthritis? Get ready to get your ass kicked! That Bitch Becca is coming for you, and I take NO hostages!

Don’t stop believing…

Last night I got sad.. so I got drunk. Very.. very.. very.. drunk. I got drunk and I watched TV alone. It was sad, to say the least. Then I got a text. A text from someone I have not heard from for awhile; someone I have known and loved for half my life. Morgan.
dontstop Now Morgan.. is my biggest fan. I say this because no matter where I have been in life, what I am doing, or who I am with, Morgan has always been super supportive, and been behind me 100% on everything I do. He has been nothing short of amazing when it comes to boosting me up, and making me feel special. Morgan is wonderful. Though last night things changed. (Kind of)

He called me after I text him back with pure excitement, and immediately asked me what was wrong with me. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” – This kind of shocked me, as Morgan is usually all hearts and rainbows with me.

“Umm.. I am drunk?”

“NO! Not tonight, I mean in general. Who are you? WHAT have you become?!? What is going on with you over there? Where did you go?”

“I didn’t go anywhere. I still live in the same place I have for two years now.. nothing is going on. I am drinking alone. It’s not sad. It’s romantic. I love me.”

“Becca.. No. That is not what I mean…” Morgan continued to tear me down for every last Facebook post and Note I have written. He told me I have become depressing, and that as much as I would like to pretend it doesn’t, it does affect other people. That there are people in this world who find their hope from my strength, and my ability to take on the world. “You are letting everyone down! You are better than this!!”

pleading-woman-120329I tried to tell him of all the things that are going on. My broken body, my broken heart. He didn’t want to listen. He kept telling me how much he loves me, and how wonderful I am. That the person that I really am is still inside me, but I have stifled her with this “sad fucking person” I have become. He speaks of me often to his new love interest, and he wants her to meet me, but not like this. Not like how I am now. I am hiding who I am behind all of these excuses. All of this sadness.

Again, I tried to stop him and explain how much pain I am in. Both physical and emotional. His response? “You have never let anything stop you before!! Why are you letting it now?” – You know what? This is true. I never have let anything stop me before, so why am I letting it now? Why am I letting this illness stomp all over me, and (as he put it) stifle me? I had nothing to say back to him. He was right. Tough love… it always gets me. After 14 years, he knew how to pull me out of it. I can’t get his words out of my head today. He repeated them to me until I repeated them back. Then he repeated them again. And again.

“Jeff is gone. What you had is over, and that is ok. Let it be. Let it go. You are sick. It is what it is. Don’t let it hold you back, don’t let it take you down. Let it go. You can do this!”



You.. can.. do.. this.

I can do this.

Capture5I know this isn’t going to fix my body. This is not going to heal all of the emotional wounds left behind, but it’s a start. Having someone who has and always will care for me call me in the middle of the night to tell me to stop being a baby, and get my shit together was exactly what I needed. I know he did it for me. He didn’t do it for himself. We don’t see each other often, and my general attitude would have no affect on his daily life. But he knows I am hurting. He could see how low I was getting, and he wanted to put a stop to it. It may sound silly, and it may not be accurate.. but this is the most loved I have felt in months. Genuine, selfless love.

Oh, Morgan. You saved me last night, and you don’t even know it.

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