No More Him…

Standard

I have just done something that used to provoke anxiety in me, but has now made me feel free and as though a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I deleted every text, email, etc that I had from Dead Horse (Jeff) in my email. They are ALL gone. I have removed all his emails, phone numbers, etc from all of my contacts and eliminated all social networking connections we had.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it is. I have removed the words that he wrote to me from my life completely. Every “I love you”, “Fuck you”, and any other emotion I was holding onto… are gone. Every. Single. One. I did a search in my system, and every email or text that even mentioned his name is also gone. And here is why.

I have been thinking less and less about the Dead Horse, which is such a relief. There are times I realized I haven’t even though about him in over a week. I haven’t had him be the star of one of my dreams for quite some time. Until last night. It was SUCH an unpleasant dream, and I woke feeling isolated, shunned, exposed, and hurt. frustrated-business-woman-stuck-box-isolated-7145177 I went through many emotions during my vivid night time expression of emotion. I was shoved in a box, thrown out of a car, hugged, pushed, shamed, and at one point I was sobbing naked in front of his whole family. I choked out reasons behind my failure to be what he wanted, expressing my own personal hatred for my illness, and begging them not to judge me while Dead Horse took off with his new gf. I cried and cried about my illness. I apologized for not being able to keep up. They all told me that he was better off with someone “normal”. That I was “bad for him” because of how much time and energy I was and would suck out of his life. That he deserved better than someone of my “caliber”. Someone who can be active, doesn’t have the emotional and physical limitations I have, and doesn’t come from my same family history. At one point they were shoving me inside a small car while I asked for at least my clothes back, but they all insisted I just leave. Bare chest and all.

I could feel the pain that he had caused me during and after our relationship. I felt the burn inside me that only he had ever caused me to feel, as well as the ache and loss that I felt every time he told me he didn’t want what he “knew” I wanted. Every time he walked out the door because he thought we might “fight” that night. The nights I spent alone crying in my bed while he was home watching basketball and getting drunk instead of helping me through such a difficult time that is chronic illness diagnostics. Of course, I was feeling run down, emotional, and not “physical” at all, so why would he spend time with me when I was being such a downer, right? All of these feelings rushed through me while I fought myself to wake up. I knew I was dreaming, and all I wanted was to let go of all these emotions that obviously still linger inside me. I had to, and have to let it go!

When I woke up I was nearly in tears. I was flat on my back, and I could hear my girls playing and fighting downstairs. I stared at the ceiling trying to fight off the useless emotions that were flowing through me. My WHOLE body ached, and I couldn’t help but have quick thoughts of how it might be better to be a vegetable than what I am right now. stock-footage-portrait-of-sad-and-unhappy-woman-crying-laying-in-bed-in-bedroom-pensive-girl-uhd-ultra-hd-k Maybe numb from the neck down… but that honestly sounds more miserable than what I am going through right now. I would hate to not be able to slap a bitch. lol – Reaching over for my phone, the lights were blinking like crazy. I had so many texts, notifications, snapchats, etc. Hmmm… I will check them all later, I only cared about the ones from Rain. “Yeah.. I thought about you quite a bit.” and “Mmmm… another whole day?!?” – Rain had gone out with some friends the night before, and I had sent him some enticing texts. We have a date tomorrow night, and I am glad to see that he is still just as eager as I am. This started to pull me out of the hurt I was still experiencing from my dream. The sound of my children downstairs, numerous texts and social interactions waiting to occur, and the texts from Rain reminded me that I am still a person. I am still me, though I felt shoved around and pushed away due to my needs, especially in my dream. Jeff… all I felt was hurt, betrayal, and cruelty. The pain when he cheated on me. The hurt when I found out about his numerous lies. The rejection and betrayal when he replaced me within 14 days of our 2 year relationship ending. I pictured myself standing bare and exposed in front of everyone just pleading for them to see ME! To see that I was trying to be what he needed, and even what I needed, but falling short due to things outside of my control. THIS is what hurt the most. Being so exposed, and so rejected.

All day today I have been feeling off. I have been feeling low, and the aches throbbing through me are not helping. Since I sprained my ankle on Sunday, I used crutches for a few days. Apparently these crutches caused some deep bruising and issues in my arm pits, and I have since developed both pain and a few small cysts. pain-woman1 Even my clothing rubbing against the tender tissue sends shooting pains through me. What would he have thought of my arm pit pain? Would it be just another inconvenience? Another reason to roll his eyes and go home? Would he once again tell me that it is in my head, and I should have a better attitude? That I would probably be better if I just wasn’t so negative! – I cringe at the thought. I thought about all the feelings and pain I kept to myself just so I didn’t push too much emotion on his shoulders. I wanted him with me, I wanted to SEE him, so I knew I had to keep certain things in. I had to watch certain shows. Drink certain drinks. Even discuss certain topics. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I push myself around so much for someone who was mistreating me behind the scenes? Who was reading each and every text that I ever sent. Every email that I both sent and received. He hacked into my facebook, my work email, my personal email, etc. He hated friends and family for what I thought was no reason, but later found was misguided opinions of texts and other interactions I had with them. I pushed a handful of people out of my life for him because they made him uncomfortable. Of course that stemmed from chats from long time friends telling me I was lovely, and a good catch, etc.

About an hour ago I logged into my email to see if my sister had sent over some pictures she wants me to upload, and I noticed his name on the left side of my screen. article-1175013-0499B8A7000005DC-375_468x325 Why on earth do I still have him in my chat list? I right clicked, and removed. Then it hit me… I still had almost EVERY interaction we had ever had in my emails. Work chats with him, home chats with him, emails, texts, photos, etc. Why? Why did I still have these? WHAT is the purpose? Doing a search for his name, I started deleting. Pulling things with every keyword I could possibly think of that would bring up something from/to him. DELETE. Over and over and over again! I found THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of internet interaction and removed them. I then went and extra removed them by deleting them from my trash. I searched and searched until I could not find one thing left. It felt amazing. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I finally realized that I had no choice to go and read his words. His loving words, casual words, and most of all his hateful words. The manipulative way he would talk down on himself for sympathy. For me to come to the rescue and show him that he was wanted. The strange things he would bring up for no reason, and the odd fights they would start. As if he wanted to spend time away from me just to be away. NO MORE. No more him. No more us. No more. No more Jeff Hebert.

No more… Jeff… no more dead horse. His words are gone, and I couldn’t feel better about it. I never knew deleting digital communication would feel so freeing.

Advertisements

Nightmares

Standard

This week has been full of many things, but the most prominent has been the nightmares. My dreams have been getting quite vivid, and I have read it is a side effect of one of my meds. That is fine, except lately they have been turning gravely towards my fear and pain; both emotional and physical. I had a flare up on Friday, and upon going to the Dr, discovered I also had a small chunk of bone floating in my knee and some damaged ligaments. I am to go see an Orthopedic Surgeon in a few weeks, which is actually a good thing. It would be awesome to get rid of this knee pain. They are also testing my kidney and liver function, as there are signs of problems… maybe I should stop drinking, right? Right… We’ll wait for the results.

couple_love_romance_sunsetThe most memorable part of my dreams are the emotions I felt during. The fear. The loss. The pain; again both physical and emotional. I’ve been beat, stabbed, taunted, and tortured. I have stood by and watched Jeff live his life with another woman, all the while my heart aching, but there is nothing I could do about it. Being taunted, and prodded about all of my failures in life. My love, my children, my body, my mind. Nothing was left untouched. I was stalked, and stabbed through my guts multiple times. The amount of fear I felt one night awoke me many times, and upon falling asleep the nightmare would only pick up where it left off. Many different scenarios, but always the same sense of fear and being utterly alone. Standing in the one place I never want to return to, walls torn down, I am out in the open. I can see my killer coming, but no matter how much I scream for help, nobody is coming. I can’t make him out, but I know it is him. I know he is coming, and he has no intention of letting me live. There are people all around, and I know they can hear me.. but nobody comes to rescue, or even acknowledges my pain. I try to leave, but I am trapped, though there are no walls to hold me.

7941254-scared-woman-victim-of-domestic-torture-and-violenceI cannot describe the feeling of him wrapping his arm around my neck from behind, and sliding his blade through my body. I could feel the blade tearing through me, and protrude out the front. I felt the tip of the blade with my fingers; his breath on my ear as he spat his taunting words at me. How could I be immobilized with fear in my own mind? The pressure inside my body grows, and the blade in my side aches. He released me, but only to watch me die. That’s when I would wake in a sweat. Stomach turning, heart rate through the roof, body aching. As much as I would try to fight, my body was so exhausted, I would slip right back into sleep, and into a new scenario of fleeing. Pet stores, clothing stores, homes, hotels; it didn’t matter! He came for me, and he only had one intention: To kill me.

6a00d8341c5e0053ef015391bf5b76970b-800wiNow, this may sound ridiculous, but as my dreams have gotten more and more intense, the feelings linger for days. It has been two days since I had the dream about my killer, and I still feel anxiety when I recall the horrible night of pain. My dreams of Jeff come and go, and each one being different. Last night I dreamt he changed his entire persona. Became a completely different person, just to please the new girl he was with. He moved in with her quickly, and began a life that I longed for with him. He shoved it in my face, and told me of how I was unworthy of such love from him, but how deserving she was. I begged him to stop, but I was stuck in place. Immobilized once again, and just taking every ounce of pain he threw at me. He showed off how much his children loved her, how much his family loved her, and they all gathered around to mock and destroy me. I stood in tears, and between sobs asked them to stop. The amount of shame, loss, and hurt I felt cannot be described. I was surprised when I woke and found myself crying. Crying in your sleep is such an odd thing to me, as I could tell it had been happening for awhile. Why didn’t I wake up?

I am sore this morning; Pain aching through my entire body. I feel emotionally beat and battered, and it concerns me that my own mind has done this to me. Not only is my body attacking itself, but now my mind is torturing me as well during the time I am supposed to be recovering? I have not been this emotionally free for years, and yet now my mind is trapping itself yet again. The anxiety I have been feeling during the day is directly spawned from the nightmares I have been having. How do I stop these feelings of pain when my body and mind are both attacking themselves? What can I do to free myself from this internal torture? It is my own mind doing this to me, so there has to be a way to stop this… but how?