Dear Facebook..

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Visceral hypersensitivity. I was told about 6 weeks ago I have this. It is directly related to IBS, and is easier for me to just call it severe IBS. Technically it isn’t.

Link below.

http://gut.bmj.com/content/48/1/125.full

Read.

Learn.

Understand.

I have this. It is very much related to everything else I deal with. I still have the other stuff. That did not go away either. I am treating them. Working on them. Dealing with them daily. I am glad I am feeling better than I was before. That being said…

It pretty much will control my life until I get it under control. Even then, it will control nearly everything I do. What I eat. Where I go. WHEN I go. What I do when I am there.

woman-frustrated-frustration-angry-argh-laptop-notebook-600x400 There is no quick or easy fix. For any of these. It takes time. Healing. Finding the right diet balance. Maybe the right medication. Maybe a nice mix of both.

Elimination. Additions. Testing. Food journals. Successes. Failures. Relapses. Anger. Frustrations. None of this is easy, or fun. I know I am no longer fun either. I can see it in your face. Hear it in your voice. Notice it in your absences.

How will I get back to normal? I won’t know until I get there…

I am not asking for you to be sorry for me, just to understand me. If you don’t want to know how I am, don’t ask. I will tell you. Sometimes I politely say “Fine” because I know that is what you want to hear.. but I would prefer you just don’t ask me. We can still talk and hang out, but understand that if I don’t come, I am not rejecting your invites to be a jerk. Why stop inviting me? Because I am no longer fun.

I want to go. I want to be fun. I want to be there. My wants don’t control my body anymore. You think it is a choice? You think I do this to myself? No. Educate yourself.

So…

Quit being a jerk to me about it. If you can’t handle it, then don’t pretend to still be interested in my friendship. Walk away. I would rather lose you than think you are on my side, when really you are behind my back mocking me. Talking about me. Saying those terrible things that just aren’t true because you are ignorant to what is happening. Just walk away. Walk away and stop being fake. You’re not doing anyone a favor. Not me, and not you.

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I’m Just That Kind Of Person…

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I often think about writing motivational speeches to myself, even with the knowledge that is total bs, just in hopes that I’ll actually believe myself one day.

12.21.TrulyMotivationalSpeech_670556961 Not the standard “you can”, “you are”, “just keep swimming” speeches, but intense, long ones with specifics about my life. I am aware “positive thoughts bring positive forces” is actually only your perspective of a situation. Someone trying to merge in front of you on the freeway would be nothing to bother with one day, but on a bad day it could result in the morning being even more ruined!!! Bad things happen all around us every day, and so do good. It just depends on what you think of that moment. See? Some kind of motivating blah blah, though these are already my daily goings about.

My problem is that even when written by me, taking about my goals… I’ll still think it’s total bs. I’m just that kind of person.

You’re Not Preferred..

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So here I sit. It is past 2am, I am in desperate need for a shower, and my mind is racing a million miles per hour.

My leg is almost healed, and though I am supposed to be going to physical therapy twice a week, I have yet to do so. I want to get my car back down to me (it is getting registered by my lovely mom right now since I work the hours to get it done) and then make the appointments. My ankle is still achy, and feels tight. My toes are half numb all the time, but apparently that is normal with this kind of break. Could take years to get the feeling back, if ever. I am still wearing my boot to work, but wear an athletic brace at home. I am still very inactive, and because of this I have gotten even FATTER! I am not really concerned about how I look right now, as I am more worried about getting my health back on track. I eat decently healthy most of the time, but am VERY inactive due to the illnesses/flares I have endured lately as well as the broken leg. I haven’t been this fat in over 10 years. SO strange to have my clothes not fit me again. To be the fat one waddling around the office. I am not really self conscious, because once again, I am more worried about other things. The time will come when I can be more active, and my useless piled on weight will start to fall off again. Now is not that time.. but I have been thinking a bit..

When I was thinner, just about 18 months ago, I actually looked pretty good. I was larger than I wanted by about 20 lbs, but I looked great for having 4 kids. I was then, as I am now, pretty confident in myself. There was only one problem: Him. Jeff. I remember feeling so good about myself, and often times very sexy. I would walk the halls at work, and know I was attractive. I would go home, let my hair down, wash my face and STILL feel so beautiful and attractive. Then the conversation would come up, and I would be reminded that he wanted me thinner. man-checking-out-other-woman He was interested in thinner women. I was LARGER than he preferred, “but he loved me anyway”. I have never understood the ‘love you anyway’ concept in a relationship. If you love someone, you love them how they are. You do not prefer a better version of them. Especially a version you have never seen, or maybe they have never been!! Knowing your sexual and emotional partner prefers someone who is smaller than you are, especially when going through health issues (I was two years into my dilemma) is incredibly hurtful. I remember standing in front of the mirror, tears streaming down my face, as I poked at the soft spots I knew he was referring to. I had given birth to, and fed 4 babies with my body. I was going through the worst pain and misery I had in my entire life with my health, and I wasn’t good enough in his eyes.

“I prefer…” – This can be such a crushing moment for anyone. Male or female. A woman tells a man she prefers men who are hairless; to her wolf like mate. “I prefer hairless men… but I love you anyway.” – This stands that there is STILL a preference, a BETTER version, if you will, of the person standing before them. “I prefer women with larger breasts… but I love you anyway.” – Here stands a crushed woman, knowing that he would much prefer her body be so different, instead of cherishing and loving every inch. We all have “preferences” of the kind of mate we go after, but if you are pursuing a person who does not fit your most wanted qualities, what are you doing? Now, that is not always the case. Sometimes someone is not your type, and yet you fall madly for them for the wonderful person they are. What then? Do you inform them of your preferences and let them know you “love them” despite them being somewhat unattractive to you? I know it is such a fine line to cross, but it is one that in a relationship you do not want to barge through. It has been over 15 months since we split, and here I am, still wounded knowing a man I was with did not accept my body as it was. Nor did the man before him post baby. I can’t help but to wonder what kind of men I get myself involved with that would be so unaccepting and unloving of such a beautiful thing as a mother’s body.

So here I sit, 2:30am on a Monday morning. I need to be up for work in 6 hours, and I still haven’t showered. Thinking on what my body means to me and to others. I look at my swollen belly, my oversized arms, and my “thunder thighs” and can’t help but to think what a mess they would think me to be. How judged I would be by those who I have shared my bed with. How they would likely scowl and make jokes of my current health problems.

art-SHE-fat-20130606193605324870-620x349 “She’s gotten so fat!”

“Wow! I really dodged a bullet there!”

“Ew! Look at that! Good thing I am not with her anymore! DAMN!”

“No wonder she is still single! GROSS!”

Once again, looking over my body, I can’t help to see what I am. A tough girl. A very, very tough woman. I am what I am right now, and I accept what I am. I prefer to look over myself and think:

“I live through this pain every day. My body carries a heavy weight right now, both physically and emotionally. My body is strong in all it’s weakness. I am amazing. I am beautiful. Each and every inch of me is perfect just as I am right now. One day at a time.”

I don’t look in the mirror and see my fat. The rolls on me even seem foreign and strange to me some days. What I see is beautiful me. I see a strong woman who is fighting with all that she has for herself, and her family. For her health and her love. Getting my life as collected as possible, all while fighting a painful and hard battle. I do not see someone who needs to change. I see what I am today made by my decisions thus far. I do not see someone who is unattractive and unwanted. I see a beautiful, strong woman who can take anything that is thrown her way! Anything that tries to knock her down is thwarted, and she rises. The pounds on the scale do not bother me like they did when I was with him. I weighed myself multiple times a week when we were together. I measured, sucked in, cried… sobbed even… and felt awful about myself almost daily. I was “not enough” – “not preferred” but tolerated. Waiting for me to change into the women he thought I should be, while I accepted him (Not gracefully, I must admit. I suck at relationships) just as he was. There was no “preferred” him I wanted. There was just… him. As much as he thought otherwise, I assume from his want for me to be different, I loved him as he was. Every inch, pound, hair, and big nose on him. Perhaps that is why his words of hurt have lingered for so long… but perhaps it is part of why I am what I am today. Why I can look in the mirror now and say, “Fuck that dude. You are awesome!” – And poke myself in my jiggly belly, because I know that tomorrow is another day, and everything about me today is perfect. Every flaw. Every stretch mark. Every little imperfection anyone else would see. I am me, and I am awesome.

I got this…

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Clumsiness. Such a bad thing when it comes to people who are easily injured. I happen to be entirely clumsy, and often end up stepping on things, dropping things, and best of all… falling down. On Sunday while I was out to breakfast with Rain and my girls, I had a fight with a rock. No.. not a rock. A pebble. I am ashamed to say that I literally stepped on a small pebble, which took my down to my knees and caused a small tear in my left ankle ligament. How brilliant am I? It was not only painful, but so very embarrassing for me for Rain to have to come and help me up. I writhed in pain, and held back tears (which come on, I am SO used to pain I could hold back tears for days!) while we headed back to my house.

46-woman-wrapping-sprained-ankle-lgn-91242505 Rain had come over the night before, and we had a lovely evening. He came over a bit early so we could prevent as much “curiosity” peeking from the girls by him meeting them and hanging around for a bit. They adore him. This both makes me nervous, but is also comforting at the same time. I have had many friends, both male and female, who have come and spent quite a bit of time and then faded out. People come and go out of your lives, and though I have been so protective over my lovelies hearts, I feel at this point it is better for them to see that engaging with the opposite sex is not just for boyfriend/girlfriend situations. Rain and I have known each other for almost a month, so we are not even fully acquainted yet… though… we did get “acquainted” with each other that night. Quite acquainted. And it was fantastic.

During the drive home, Rain rolled down the windows to let some fresh air in because, though I was holding back tears, I was not doing such a good job at not breathing fast and heavy. The cool air felt great on my fingertips, and distracted me from my ankle. That was.. until he rolled them up. Without me noticing. Until it was too late! I was able to pull my hand in without scathing, except my poor little pinky finger. So here I am, ankle swelling and throbbing in pain, and now my pinky is bleeding. What a lovely end to a lovely date. The look on Rain’s face was nothing short of magical guilt. He insisted that he cancel all his plans and take care of the poor sick girl. I was quite tempted to just send him on his way, take care of myself, and wallow in self pity. While he was getting an icepack, getting my ankle propped up, and ensuring I was comfortable I considered the reasons to say no. Pride. That was it. Pride would prevent me from allowing him to take care of me. Guilt. The guilt of needing someone to take care of me, and being so very fragile at this point that it can be almost a requirement. I wanted to just sit on my couch and cry. I always feel so vulnerable and weak when these things happen to me. 200167732-002 I have always been a bit clumsy, and this is probably the 3rd time I have torn those same ligaments since I was a teenager, but I could take care of myself back then. I did not need someone to help me, because I could hop on one foot all I needed. Crutches didn’t ache in my armpits, and cause my hands to swell. My hips didn’t throb, and my whole body didn’t flare up. I knew I was going to end up fully exhausted, miserable, and in pain for the next few days simply because I was hurt. Why shouldn’t I let a caring, affectionate, worried man take care of me? No realistic reason. I reluctantly agreed, and hoped that it didn’t end up scaring him away. Chronic illness is serious, and having things shoved in your face can frighten anyone. Especially someone I barely know.

He took care of me. He kissed my face, played with my hair, and snuggled me. He listened to my body when it negatively reacted, and also when it positively reacted. He kept me safe from my over excited, crazy little minions; ensuring that they stayed away from my leg while I napped, but also teasing me about my law mower snore. RUDE! I didn’t know I snored so bad, but I am sure that it was the swelling of my insides in general from the injuries, not to mention the allergies of spring. He stayed for over 6 hours, doting to my every need and taking SUCH great care of me. When he left I was sad, but so pleased that he had been so good to me. He took an awful thing and turned my day back around. I am fond of Rain.

This week has also been rough. My body has been flaring due to the accident, and I have been so stressed. I had updates left and right with clients. Escalations all over the place, not to mention taking care of my own random client upsets. I was half awake, my mind has been working in slow motion, and my body was fighting itself off. By Tuesday afternoon I was so worn out that I accidentally double dosed myself on my mood stabilizer instead of my gabapentin. woman-medication-worried-200x300 In my defense, the bottles look almost identical and I was on the phone with a client. I was distracted, and I hurt myself. I only noticed about 10 minutes later when I went to reach for my inhaler and realized that my limictal bottle was at the top of my purse and not the gabapentin. Faaaaantastic. I quickly Googled the effects of what would happen at the dosage I had taken, and saw that I could quickly lose control of my cognitive function, as well as my hand eye coordination. I banged my head on my desk and considered my options. It was about 3:55pm, and I get off at 5. By that time I could have lost all control over my basic functions, and will likely not be able to drive, let alone walk. I kicked myself mentally over and over again for about 5 minutes, and then I left work. I informed my babysitter I was coming, and to have my girls ready. Let my boss know I had drugged myself, and would put myself in danger if I did not leave for home. I felt like such an idiot, but it was what it was, and I just need to remember that I rarely do that. I think this is only the 3rd time in 3 years. Not too bad of a track record, right?

Tuesday was my Rheumatologist appointment, and I was so scared! I was worried about the pain it would put me through, and the results he would find. I want him to find and help with every bit of me that is wrong, but I also don’t want to find something that is not fixable. I was also terrified that he would tell me I was crazy, and send me on my way. This did not happen at all, which was a huge relief. I would like to write a post that goes through my first appointment all on it’s own, so I am going to skip including it in this post. Let’s just say it was painful, but it also went well.

Today is Friday, and tonight I am spending the evening with my lovely Kindred Spirit, and her babies. I am so excited, I can barely contain it. She recently had a beautiful baby girl (about 3 months ago), and has two others. We have known my KS for about 6 years, and she is such a wonderful addition to my life. I wish I saw her more, but we are both full time working moms, I have my illness, and she has her new baby. We were pregnant together when I had my last minion, and our babies have been friends their whole lives. They hear each others names and go bizerk! She is coming with her lovely family, and a bottle of wine. We are all going to snuggle in front of the TV for my weekly ritual (over 4 years now) of movie night Friday and watch Frozen. The kids will pile up on each other on the blanket, my teenager will coo over baby P, while KS and I catch up and laugh the same way we always do. Sunday is Easter, and I get to spend the morning and afternoon with my babies, and then have a date with Rain while my kids go to their grandma’s. I am hoping this week brings nothing but happiness, and I am able to rest my poor body. I have many joyous things in my life right now. Many things to love and smile over. It was just a tough week… but I am a tough girl.

I got this.

She Knows What To Do…

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Dinner with my babies.

Amazing first date.

Amazing second date.

Fibro flare.

More fibro flare.

Offspring number three has surgery to remove nodule from hand.

This week has been a bit rough, yet amazing at the same time. Tonight I am sitting alone awake in the livingroom; one child on each couch, and one in my bed. I have considered going to bed multiple times, but my head is killing me. I don’t dare take more pain meds, because I do want to wake up tomorrow on time. I have many things to do, but I am not sure what I will accomplish. My right hand has been nearly useless and numb all week. It has ached and throbbed non stop. My shoulder, elbows, and hands are in constant pain. But I managed to do all of the above, and survive to tell the story.

Last week I received a message from a charming man who happened to grab my attention. He complimented my tattoos (like they all do) and insisted we talk. We exchanged random questions, and were acquainted quite fast. Within a few days we were texting. Then speaking on the phone.

“Are you awake? I want to hear your voice!”

Such a wonderful text to wake to, and to have someone respond so pleasantly to the achy sound of my morning voice is absolutely pleasant. I do want to clarify one thing before I continue: I am not really eager to push anything forward with my “Tie Man – AKA – Rain”, but he is pretty awesome. kissingcouplephotographysnowtreeswinter-6ed78a33a7c11af4110579968684e1aa_h_large I don’t see a long term romantic relationship with us, but if we can keep it as it’s going now, I know we will be great friends. We clicked immediately. Love the same shows, quotes, respond the same way in situations, and have the same jokes. Discovering this from 4 hour Skype calls (he lives 35 minutes away), a 7 hour first date, and an 8 hour second date. We speak every day – Text all day. He tells me about going out to the bar with his friends, and being the wingman for friends. He is honest about what he is doing, what happens when he is out, and I respect that. Tonight we spoke for almost two hours, mainly because his friend cancelled their night out. Offspring number three (who had surgery on her hand today – more on that later) got on the phone a few times as well. Because he was at my house a few nights ago, he has met my kids. I am not really the type to introduce someone so quickly, but there is something about him. Since my youngest cannot pronounce his name, they all call him “Rain”. We shall also call him Rain.

Tomorrow is going to be our official third date. We are going out to a piano bar, and I am actually quite excited. Rain is not really a drinker, so he is going to be my DD. I am hoping that my flare has let up a bit when we head out for the evening, but even if it has not, Rain is unusually attentive to my needs. A few nights ago when he was over I was having stabbing pains in my abdomen and he was very positively reactive. Asking if there was anything that he could do, and backing down when I let him know it would pass. He smiled at me and we continued on with our conversation. Each time it happened, he would make eye contact with me, ask if I was alright, and accept my answer. He did not panic, get upset, or bother me further about it. I am not sure if this is due to him being in the Army from the age of 18, or that he has been married twice. I find that he is oddly polite, caring, funny, and much like me. We will see if he has to offer the friendship I could very much use right now.

Today offspring number three had surgery on her hand. For a few years she has had a small bump on the inside of her thumb. We were told that it would likely just go away, and not to worry about it. I noticed that it was getting harder and harder, as well as obstructing the movement. Consulting a physician he agreed, as did the orthopedic surgeon he referred us to. So surgery was scheduled, and the nodule was to come out! Time to fix this lovely baby’s hand.

We were instructed to arrive at 7am, which was hard on my body, as well as the grumpy small children I had to dress at 6:30 this morning. I have been flaring all week long, and this morning was no different. My head ached, hands were killing me, and feet felt broken. Both knees throbbed, and I knew it was going to be a long day. sick-little-girl-hospital-bed-12171337 I was anxious about how she was going to do. If she was going to be ok, and if I was going to be ok. She is such a smart, lovely child and she immediately won the hearts of the entire staff. They were already giving her gifts left and right before she even went into the surgery. She was bouncy, silly, happy, and also angry with us. She was very concerned that she would not be able to watch what was going on with her hand during surgery, and that she had to sleep. When the Dr arrived her bouncing and happiness faded quickly. She crossed her arms, looked him right in the face and asked, “Are you going to put me to sleep and cut my hand open?” – Needless to say, this took the Dr off guard. The look on his face was priceless and in my weak and achy state, all I could do was laugh. Such a funny moment. A small (she is in the 10% for her height and weight for a 7 year old), smart little blond calling out a Dr, and making him explain the procedure before she went into surgery. It was amazing. I was so incredibly proud!! My baby. My girl. Going into surgery, and being more thorough than I ever expected. Then again, she is offspring number three. Notorious for being surprisingly beyond her years. My heart swelled as she glared at the Dr while he tried to avoid the question. Tried to distract her and dance around a direct answer; She was not having it. “Are you going to put me to sleep and CUT open my thumb to take out the bump?” – Finally he admitted the process when I explained that she was not going to back down until he told her. Once again… so proud. Love this baby.

She recovered well, and has dressing that needs to stay for the next week. She seems to be handling the pain and restrictions in stride, and was even playing video games earlier. It is funny because she understands that she needs to rest, partly because she related her surgery to the pain I feel every day. She informed the nurse that sometimes mommy gets really sick, so she knows what to do after her surgery. She knows that she will need kid medicine to control the pain, and she will need to rest. This both made me happy as well as sad. I am happy that she understands what is going on with me, but also upset that she KNOWS the basics of handling a painful situation due to my example. She followed suite, and was very good after coming home.

lit So tonight I am lounging.. watching Family Guy and trying to decide where I am going to sleep. Baby girl is on the love seat. Offspring 3 is on the couch. And last but not least, the teenager is on my bed. She loves my bed, and apparently she decided tonight she was going to sleep in it. Tomorrow is my official third date with Rain, and I know I should be sleeping. Writing this blog is making my hands ache, but I don’t care. My eyes are drifting off, but I somehow feel I need to complete this blog.

It may not make much sense, as I am blogging while on pain meds, and it is now 3am. I am exhausted, and probably a bit delirious. Don’t judge me…

The Enemy of All Things Good…

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Anxiety. This is the enemy of all things good. Feeling anxious about anything can lead to a domino effect of anxiety beyond control! Today my anxiety is high. I have been so sick recently, and I have been trying to ignore it. I wonder if it is all in my head like some people are trying to convince me it is. Does my mind create this pain because I think it is there, or does my brain create it on it’s own and I am just responding? I can’t tell what is causing this flare, or what it is really effecting. I want to sleep for days, but I am in too much pain to wind down. If I take pain meds, my body is still buzzing from the nerves, and I can’t relax. I must move. Adjust. Change position and get comfortable. My hands hurt. Feet. Now it’s my knees. My elbows. New nodules in my hand. Only things that I notice, and people don’t see any difference. These are not my hands. These are not my feet. This is not how my body looks. This is a completely foreign place I live, and it continues to change without warning.

Due to the feelings I have been having, and the flare that seems to just be spreading through my entire form, I finally made an appointment with a Rheumatologist. 42-23789836_rf-d-ar2 (1) I am both hopeful, but anxious as hell. What if he doesn’t believe me? What if he tells me the same thing I have been told all along and he can’t help me? I am so afraid of what will happen. Recently I went back to my gyno due to severe cramps and other menstrual issues. Ultrasound. Blood work. Anxiety. What did we find? Small cysts on both ovaries, and a slightly thicker endometrium than normal. ALMOST endometriosis. Nothing they can do for now except put me on small bursts of birth control and hope it helps. I have issues with birth control. I have EVERY side effect, and even went into early menopause because of one. My hair started falling out at age 27. I was not happy. I am NOT doing that again. So what can we do at this time? Nothing.

On top of all this stress, my children are ALL going through new phases. My 7 year old has become a klepto. My 13 year old is teenage drama up the WAZOO! My 4 year old is going through a hitting and kicking phase. That kid can kick some ASS. None of any of this is good. This results in extra work from my already exhausted body and mind. I am all alone, with nobody to help me teach babies what they should and should not do. I am doing the best I can, but the results are slower. All the while I am getting meetings with the junior high. Returning items and making the child apologize. Reports from the babysitter on the violent actions of my giant toddler. In short, it is rough.

two-girls-whisperingThere has been whispers going on all around me. Whispers about my illness, how I handle my kids, my life, my SEX life. I made the mistake of sleeping with a coworker a few weeks ago. (Sorry, this man is sexy as fack) He made the mistake of telling the biggest mouth in the office, who then went to my friend and informed her he knew. The chatter isn’t bad, but I hate it. To have people look me straight in the eye and then turn around and talk about what I do and do not do in my spare time is beyond annoying. I kinda wanna punch the world in the face right now. Then cry. And hide. Be alone, but somehow snuggled at the same time. Do they make adult sized swaddle blankets soaked in men’s cologne. Instead of a heartbeat, just a soothing voice saying, “It’s ok! You can do this. Shhhhhh… don’t worry. This too shall pass. You are loved.”

No. So, anxiety is high today. My hope is low. I want to go home, yet I have 4 more hours here and then the chaos that is my family. Love. Nothing but love for them.. but what about love for me? When is it my turn?

Hoover Dam…

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Hoover Dam style bloody nose. Choking on the blood as I rush to the bathroom sink. Trying not to vomit from it trickling down my throat and into my stomach. Rumbles inside, holding in the intestinal upset that my body decided to attempt to expel at the same time it released the gates through my nose. This is how my Monday work morning started, just a short time after arriving. Not only was I stiff as a board when I woke this morning, which caused me to be 15 minutes late, I also had to attempt to cover what looks like scabby pick marks meth heads have, all over my face and neck. images (1) Trying to find something to wear that won’t irritate the over sized fluid filled cyst pocket that decided to grow in my armpit this weekend. Getting two small children ready for the day, and having my teenager decide at the last minute she would also like a ride to school. Guess the rain wasn’t that appealing to her. Being a chronically ill single mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Being a single mom was rough, and I took each moment in stride. It was difficult, but at most times I was able to handle every problem with a certain level of grace.

Since I became ill in 2011, I have slowly become less and less graceful. I am not sure if I will ever handle anything else with grace. My fumbling hands, arms, and legs has been followed by this lovely fog that makes it hard to even have one conversation without stopping. Whether it is forgetting what we were talking about, rolling off into tangents, or not being able to form words properly, it is difficult and growing worse. I have no idea what to do with my body that is going to make it better. In order to physically function, I have to take gabapentin which causes a slew of side effects. There are other medications I take, but this one has the most severe I have ever had. Here is a list of the most common, rare, and unexplained. (I have put the ones I suffer/have suffered in the past in bold):

  • More common
  • Clumsiness or unsteadiness
  • continuous, uncontrolled, back-and-forth, or rolling eye movements
  • Aggressive behavior or other behavior problems
  • anxiety
  • concentration problems and change in performance
  • crying
  • depression
  • false sense of well-being
  • hyperactivity or increase in body movements
  • rapidly changing moods
  • reacting too quickly, too emotional, or overreacting
  • restlessness
  • suspiciousness or distrust
  • Black, tarry stools
  • chest pain
  • chills
  • cough
  • depression, irritability, or other mood or mental changes
  • fever
  • loss of memory
  • pain or swelling in the arms or legs
  • painful or difficult urination
  • shortness of breath
  • sore throat
  • sores, ulcers, or white spots on the lips or in the mouth
  • swollen glands
  • unusual bleeding or bruising
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • Abdominal or stomach pain
  • blistering, peeling, or loosening of the skin
  • clay-colored stools
  • coma
  • confusion
  • convulsions
  • dark urine
  • decreased urine output
  • diarrhea
  • dizziness
  • fast or irregular heartbeat
  • headache
  • increased thirst
  • itching
  • joint pain
  • large, hive-like swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, or sex organs (mildly, only when exacerbated by celiac) 
  • loss of appetite
  • muscle ache or pain
  • nausea
  • red skin lesions, often with a purple center
  • red, irritated eyes
  • skin rash
  • unpleasant breath odor
  • vomiting of blood
  • yellow eyes or skin
  • images (2)

  • Some side effects of gabapentin may occur that usually do not need medical attention. These side effects may go away during treatment as your body adjusts to the medicine. Also, your health care professional may be able to tell you about ways to prevent or reduce some of these side effects. Check with your health care professional if any of the following side effects continue or are bothersome or if you have any questions about them:
  • Blurred vision
  • cold or flu-like symptoms
  • delusions
  • dementia
  • hoarseness
  • lack or loss of strength
  • lower back or side pain
  • swelling of the hands, feet, or lower legs
  • trembling or shaking
  • Accidental injury
  • appetite increased
  • back pain
  • bloated or full feeling
  • body aches or pain
  • burning, dry, or itching eyes
  • change in vision
  • change in walking and balance
  • clumsiness or unsteadiness
  • congestion
  • constipation
  • cough producing mucus
  • decrease in sexual desire or ability
  • dementia
  • difficulty with breathing
  • dryness of the mouth or throat
  • earache
  • excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines
  • excessive tearing
  • eye discharge
  • feeling faint, dizzy, or lightheadedness
  • feeling of warmth or heat
  • flushed, dry skin
  • flushing or redness of the skin, especially on the face and neck
  • frequent urination
  • fruit-like breath odor
  • impaired vision
  • incoordination
  • increased hunger
  • increased sensitivity to pain
  • increased sensitivity to touch
  • increased thirst
  • indigestion
  • low blood pressure
  • nervousness
  • noise in the ears
  • pain, redness, rash, swelling, or bleeding where the skin is rubbed off
  • passing gas
  • redness or swelling in the ear
  • redness, pain, swelling of the eye, eyelid, or inner lining of the eyelid
  • runny nose
  • sneezing
  • sweating
  • tender, swollen glands in the neck
  • tightness in the chest
  • tingling in the hands and feet
  • troubled breathing
  • trouble with sleeping
  • trouble with swallowing
  • trouble with thinking
  • twitching
  • unexplained weight loss
  • voice changes
  • vomiting
  • weakness or loss of strength
  • weight gain
  • wheezing

Now, when it comes to medication, you are going to have to choose the lesser of the two evils. Granted I suffer all of these side effects, some of them are going to exist on different levels with or without the medication. The pain I suffer from the fibro, RA, and celiac flares are much less severe, as well as being cut down in time suffering. Without this medication, I would not be able to get out of bed in the mornings. I would be stiff as a board, without the ability to loosen up my body in order to move. The more this illness progresses, the worse it gets. I know I have posted before about getting used to my body, finding my limitations, and staying within them. Fibromyalgia1 Sometimes I am a silly sick girl, and I push myself too far. I know that the reason I have had a rough morning was due to the weekend activities I pushed myself through. The way I pushed my physical, emotional, and mental being was beyond what I should have, and I knew it. Yet, sometimes you just have to try to be as normal as possible. There is a point that you reach each day, and you know if you stop you will not get back up. Instead of stopping, I pushed through it all. I not only used up my daily spoons, but every spoon I could possibly muster up inside me.

It started with Friday: Movie date with my 7 year old. Having to rush home early due to my oldest having a teenage meltdown, and needing to be supervised. Shopping for supplies, and doing a 3 hour photoshoot on Saturday, followed by a quick shower, bathing my children and heading off to a birthday party for a good friend. Pushing myself into interacting with all the friends who showed, and having a bit of wine to get me through it. The next morning began with a breakfast out, then shopping non stop for home upgrades, cleaning supplies, storage bins, etc. A new tablet for my two little ones, new shoes, and many other things. I did EVERYTHING I have been putting off for weeks.. maybe even months.. in one day. My home is looking great, but… I did this all because I knew once I stopped, I would be down. I had to push myself as far as I could to get this all done, or it was never going to get done. And what happened? Hoover Dam happened. Hoover Dam in the form of blood, cysts, swelling, pain, and so many other things. Was it worth it? Ask me in two days… two weeks.. however long it takes me to recover, because today I am suffering the effects of my own self destructive behavior.

Hoover Dam happens in many forms, and I feel like that is an accurate description for a flare. For the side effects we suffer for trying to be a normal human being. For trying to be who we used to be, and failing. Failing miserably, because I am not the old me. I am not the same woman I was even last year. 473368-22729-48 Last year my Dam was holding up much better; A few cracks and leaks here and there, yes, but not a full on break. Now.. I break. I can’t help but think to myself how much more broken I am going to get. If I am having Hoover breaks now, what will I suffer with a year from now? 5 years? 10 YEARS? How will I survive??? Perhaps it is giving in, and just trying to patch what I can. I had to finally cave and purchase tighter fitting shoes with inserts for more heel and arch support. I can no longer wear shoes with heels. At all. Purchasing items that most won’t need until well into their 40’s and 50’s is rough on my mental state, but I accepted it… kinda. This may put a bit of a hold on my Hoover Dam, but maybe not. We will have to see what is going to happen with them.

Weak, tired, and moody.. here I sit suffering through my self inflicted break. Trying to patch things up with what I can, and looking like death in the meantime. Nothing else I can do at this point but remind myself that this was a terrible idea…