I’m Yours

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No matter how long.

No matter how much I’ve tried.

I have no control over who my heart beats for.

Until the day I die…

I’m yours.

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Tomorrow

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Tomorrow is my surgery. 

Goodbye asshole gallbladder. Goodbye random food intolerances. Goodbye constant vile bile. I’m so sick of this sickness! I can go back to being my normal level of me sick. 

I just want this awful organ out of my body. One more day. Less than 24 hours of this disgusting mess left. Thank bloody hell. 

Comfortably Numb

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I forgot what it’s like to be fully sober. 

To wake up with zero pain medication. One hundred percent in my body, suffering the aches and pains in my fully sober and untreated self. It’s agony. 

I threw my back out yesterday, and I have have been in intense pain ever since. I took my last pain pill the day before, on a Sunday, not realizing the Monday was a holiday, my pain prescription was out of refills and I’d have to wait until Tuesday for the Drs to be back in office to get a new prescription. This on top of my regular agony, and my 7 week extra pain recently discovered to be a stone filed gallbladder. Swollen, irritated to the max and ready to come out! My consult is at noon today with my general surgeon to schedule to surgery, but I’m in agonizing pain. 

I’m past my threshold. Every joint in my body is aching, grinding, and every inch of my skin is needles and fire. I can hear it in my head when I move my eyes, and my ears drums are so swollen, it hurts to hear the children playing outside my window. A sound I typically adore. 

It’s 8:33am. I barely slept last night, even with 150mg of trazadone in my system. The pain was too much for my body to take. It was far too much to sleep through. I’m used to the pain. The agony. The utter endless discomfort and pain. But expecting me to sleep through a gallbladder of this severity of needing to be removed, and my back in this amount of turmoil… On top of all my typical agony? With only anti-inflammatory and topir? I think not.

I just want to be comfortably numb. 

I Need To Rest

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Waking up so sick, hitting the bathroom, back to bed. Sleep. 

Waking up from the sickness. Bathroom. Bed. Sleep. 

Sickness. Bathroom. Bed. Sleep. 

That’s been my last two days. 

Right now I’m awake in bed. The first time in nearly 24 hours. My stomach is turning, my head is killing me. My body aches from all the gut churning sickness. I don’t have the stored energy for this. I’m so tired of being so fragile. 

My thyroid is swollen, and it’s hard to swallow. My stomach is so sensitive, even water makes it churn and growl. My digestive system seems hell bent on ridding itself of everything I’ve ever eaten in my 32 years of life. My entire body aches from the sickness, and I’m positive I’m not even close to fully ingesting my medications, if at all. But I’m still trying to take them as usual. When I can get myself to wake up to the alarms. 

I’ve woken multiple times to my own body expelling its waste, and having no control over my own bodily functions. I’ve not felt this helpless in months. I have not been this ill in so long. I hope it passes soon.

I am lucky to have love and support, or I wouldn’t get through this. It’s hell. I am a mess of a human. So much going on, and so much ahead of me. My body is going through too much, and my mind even more. 

I need to rest. 

Tests… And More Tests

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Tests. So many tests. 

Phone calls. More and more phone calls. 

Drs. Nurses. Counselors and social workers who offer support during hardships like this. I declined. So far there is only speculation and “abnormal test results”. 

The first biopsy is soon. September 6th. I’m not scared, yet at the same time I am terrified. Nothing I can do to change the results. I’ll simply have to accept them as they are. 

Hope for the very best. Prepare for the very worst. In all my posi-pesi fashion. 

This first biopsy isn’t even of the breast tissue. That’s taking a backseat to the possible cancerous tissue in my vaginal wall. I’m sure it’s nothing… Just more tests. 

Tests on top of tests on top of tests. 

I’m so tired.

Lumps

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Lumps… Not one, but two. Left side.

Hopefully it’s just fibrocystic breast disease.

I can’t sleep. My mammography ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon. Well, technically today. 2:40pm. Less than 12hrs away.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of new symptoms. New things inside my body going wrong.

I’m tired of lumps.

One Step Closer

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I’m going in for an ultrasound of my thyroid. My Dr said that the chances are very high that it’s something serious, based on my symptoms and my family history. 

Did some bloodwork. Met with a counselor before even leaving the Dr’s office to talk about dealing with being diagnosed with serious illnesses/diseases and dealing with that. 

One step at a time though. Just one step… If it’s cancer, I can beat it, right? If it’s hashimotos, I can live with it, right? Hypothyroidism is nothing! I’m totally good with that. 
One step… I’m overwhelmed, but I’ll be ok. I got this. I always make it out ok. I’m always one step closer to my death, but I manage. I survive. I keep it together.