I Will Rebuild


For those of you thinking that I’m outspoken and so public about my life for pity and for the attention, I say this.  
It’s crazy personal and honestly very scary to share such heartache. To speak of such hardships and admit the failures and mistakes I’ve made.  To admit the uselessness I feel,  and inability to function.  On a physical or, even emotional, level. It’s not an easy thing to admit. 
I decided a long time ago that no matter how embarrassing,  I was to face my hurt, my downfalls,  shortcomings, and even the betrayals bestowed upon me because the abuse by the hands of another was by no fault of my own.  My autoimmune diseases and issues are by no fault of my own.  I can only control so much,  and that is how I handle myself and how I raise my children. 
It’s not a bad thing to love and to trust another human.  Giving our unconditional love,  and allowing another into our deepest of broken parts is beautiful.  It’s is they who are at fault for breaking that love and trust,  and destroying the beauty that we offered. I can only offer my heart,  my trust,  my love and hope that is not taken for granted. 
It’s so hard to sit back and be ok after all this,  and it’s going to take time to regain myself after this turmoil.  But I’ll be ok eventually.  I’ll regain my emotional footing. I’ll get back on my usual positive vibe,  and be the strong, wonderful, always looking forward human I try to be! I’ll fight and FIGHT for the woman I am! 
Sometimes we are allowed to feel defeated and hurt.  Right now I feel so very defeated. I feel used up,  walked over,  and ever so unloved. I feel sucked dry of my ability to trust, and give myself to men in any way whatsoever.  To even be touched in any way by a man and have it be good.  I feel so very dirty, and gross. 
My body and soul are beautiful,  this I know.  However right now they are under repair because two humans, known to each other,  worked together to break me down and destroy me from my core to my skin.  From my head to my toes,  and to the depths of my soul.  Shattering every bit of comfort and self confidence in my ability to give myself to another human with love and trust.  
I’ll recover,  however I am under construction.  I must close myself down completely and rebuild this beautiful human.  I must tear down the walls once touched by the hands, lips, and false words of JR and AN. Every last drop of their presence must be removed from my being,  stripped away and made anew before I can feel safe in my own skin again.  Only then will I feel beautiful and honest with myself,  and ready to meet him,  whoever he may be.  
So judge me and use your harsh words against me. Whisper about my life,  and accuse me of such harsh ways.  It’s not anything other than what it is to me,  despite what the world may try to make it be.  I simply wanted to love, and instead was broken.  Now it’s time to learn to love me again.  

New Day, New Tests 


​Looks like I’m going in on Tuesday for even more tests. 
This time it’s a full scope checking for ulcers and digestive diseases. I’ve been asking for this test for YEARS! I was even told by my Gastroenterologist at appointment that it wouldn’t get approved, and I’d need to wait at least 6 more months for the full scope. That I had to change meds a few times, and I’d only get an upper endoscopy for now. 
Then all the sudden, my General Practitioner sees that it’s only an upper scope,  because he has to approve all my medical procedures,  and goes,  “No,  she needs both. She’s very sick.” And changes my order.  My insurance company approved it. Hmm.  
Makes me very irritated with my Gastro, because I HATE changing meds, and it puts my body through hell. Especially meds for my lower digestive tract.  It HURTS so very bad.  
I’m just glad I have a Dr who looks out for me like that.  He has been my physician for nearly 4 years now,  and has been able to push for things I need. My previous Dr often took the easy way out, or excused a lot of things he shouldn’t have.  But I am very thankful for the physician who stood in for him while he was on vacation once, and who I’ve been seeing since.  
He knows when to push me to see specialists,  and what he can and can’t help me with. He’s been a huge advocate for finding and treating my illness and not just my symptoms,  but not leaving me to suffer.  He was so frustrated with the ER Dr who reported me as a drug seeker,  because he knows I hate taking pills,  and fight to get off them, not on them! He knows I hate the high feeling from pain meds,  and sought out a pain killer that would specifically leave with me add little of a high feeling as possible! 
I’m just glad that I’ve got good people in my corner.  He’s also sending a referral to a neurologist of my choice that my insurance will cover.  When I was losing my vision,  he called me on his cell phone on the weekend to make sure I was ok.  We need more medical professionals like my Dr. I got lucky with him! In fact,  in that same clinic is my gynecologist,  and he’s awesome as well.  Central Orem Clinic employs some amazing Drs. And their medical assistants are just as awesome.  They email and call me.  They’re great about getting back to me as soon as they can.  They really just reach out,  and do their best to keep up and make things easy for the patients.  
Though… their reception staff isn’t the best.  Haha.

I’m Having A Hard Day


I’m having such a hard day.

People who are generally healthy don’t understand what it’s like to have chronic and acute illnesses meet.

It not only causes the general havoc that an acute illness like a cold can cause, such as runny nose or a cough, but it causes our chronic illnesses to flare up, and the acute illnesses to spread like wildfire through our systems.

So now all my chronic illnesses are in a full flare, and I’m miserable from those. Swollen joints, stiff body, upset stomach, guts gurgling like they’re running for president, etc. My head is killing me from my migraine illness, my vision is flaring so it’s blurry and painful, and my teeth hurt. I’m exhausted and worn out just from my chronic illnesses alone, right?

Add on top of that my cold. My lungs are in fire, and there’s mucus in them. It kills to cough, not only from that but my chemical illness pain adds to that pain. It hurts my neck, my back, my ribs, my stomach, my throat, my head, and my shoulders just to COUGH. Then there’s the runny/stuffy nose that adds to the migraine and swelling in my head. Blowing my nose hurts my neck, my head, my arms, my hands, my eyes, my ears, and makes me cough, which then hurts all of the above. My ears are so plugged up they are thriving non-stop and I can barely hear, and my throat is sore and scratched I can barely talk.

I need to be eating, but it’s hard because my body is rejecting most everything due to the chronic flare up, I don’t digest anything or absorb. It just goes right through me, and I get sicker and weaker.

This is what a simple cold does took someone like me, and I’m not even the sickest person I know. Not even close. I have bad illnesses, yes, but even my sister Mary has it worse than I do. Those with Crohns have it harder! Omg!

Today I’ve already had to change my clothes from accidents, and have ended up bawling my eyes out a few times. I’ve taken the max meds I can take, including Emergen-C and maxed out on cold meds, plus decongestants. I’ve also had homemade chicken no-noodle soup, spent at least a total of an hour treating my ears with hydrogen peroxide to loosen up the nastiness and pressure, and spent as much time resting!!!

Life as a chronically ill person on the daily isn’t easy. Take away the cold symptoms, and I’m still left with everything else. I smile, because I choose to, but it’s still hard. It’s still painful, and it’s still full of severe hardships. It’s a lot of years, self pep talks, and losing people. It’s not for the weak or thin skinned.

I’m having a hard AS FUCK DAY. You have no idea.

I’m often told not to share so much on Facebook, “because people don’t want to know”, or “it’s too private, you shouldn’t say that to everyone”. But you know what? This is how people get educated on what it’s like for people like me. Because otherwise all you’d see is my pretty face, my beautiful kids, and my happy moments. You’d never guess the rest.

You’d never guess I was terrified of being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. That it’s really hard on the body, and I’m so scared to lose functionality. I’ve already lost so much functionality in my hands, and feeling in my feet and calves. I get numbness in my legs, feet, hands and arms daily. Half my fave often goes numb, and facial spasms are very common for me. This is scary stuff, and if I didn’t say it, you’d never know.

You’d never know how hard it is financially for someone like me. I get just under $500 a month right now in cash assistance and no child support to support me and 3 kids. That’s to pay rent, gas, toiletries, shampoo/conditioner, socks/shoes, school supplies, etc for me and 3 girls. Plus pay my copays for Dr visits, and medications, which are $3 a piece, and I have about 15 medications and at least 3-5 Dr appointments a month. You do the math. Luckily I have food assistance, or we’d starve. I have to be out of here by the end of January, and everyone wants $400 for one room, and don’t want to rent to a mom and 3 kids to occupy one room. We are likely ending up at the shelter finally. Because… what else can we do? Can you imagine the germs there…? It might actually kill me. We’ll just have to see.

And then there’s my personal relationships. I have an amazing boyfriend, and I’m so lucky he came into my life when he did. And some may think I’m so stupid and lame to be stressing out about my ex, but I’m so worried about him. We’ve been friends for so long, and he’s been so angry at me since I got in my relationship and I care about him so much. It’s breaking my heart that we aren’t even friends anymore, because it never occurred to me he’d not be in my life in one way or another. He broke my heart in love, and now my heart is breaking in our friendship. I can’t help it. When you care for someone so deeply, that doesn’t change or just go away. I’m worried for him, and wish I knew he was ok.

I’m hurting so bad because I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I have nightmares. Nightmares about what has happened to me, and those have really gotten worse lately. Since George Allred was arrested and charged with molesting a disabled woman. No matter how much time it’s been, and how much I’ve been through, until he pays for the things he’s done, I don’t think I’ll ever have closure! Luckily were on our way to putting him where he belongs. Not just for what he did to her, but for what he did to me. My case is open, the investigation is moving along nicely, and I have a victims interview tomorrow. It’s going to be crazy hard, and I’m so scared, but I know I can do this!

Emotions also have a heavy toll on the chronically ill, and if it weren’t for Aaron, I’d be so lost and broken right now. Is be so much sicker and unwell. It’s because of his caring, his support, and his general kindness that I’ve been able to keep my head about me. Between him and my therapist, I’ve been able to keep myself from drowning in my PTSD attacks, nightmares, agony, memories, fear, health issues, financial burdens, and all around life fucks!

So yeah… I’m having a really hard day, everyone. I could use your good vibes. I could use your good vibes, your loves, and your support. Not just today, but every day. Because no matter how happy and pretty I look… no matter how together and good I seem… I’m really good at finding the happy little things in the day to enjoy. But I’m having a VERY hard time in my life, and I NEED love and support. I need it as much as you’re all willing to give. I’m a badass, strong AF woman. But we all need love! No matter how much backbone we have.

Chapter 1: Rough Draft. The Exchange.


I have decided to write a story about two men who participate in a new experiment to help cure chronic pain and illnesses. This is chapter 1, draft 1. Please any feedback would be amazing!!! Tell me what you think so far.


The Exchange:

Chapter 1: The Swap


“Don’t worry about the wires, we only need to use them temporarily in order to synch your nerves for the swap.”

The Dr looked him over, making sure that each wire was perfectly placed. There were hundreds of connections, and Cole was beginning to wonder if the experience was going to be worth the money. He reminded himself that for the next week he was required to do nothing at all every day, minus bathe and eat. He could binge watch all the shows he’s been too busy to catch up on, and even pig out on the foods he never has time to cook for himself. He was going on a week long vacation, and making a significant amount of money for it. Far more than his paid leave of absence! “Yeah. It’s worth it.”, he thought to himself

The Dr could tell that though Cole seemed at ease, that the second participant seemed anxious, and was sweating enough to loosen the wire’s suction  cups. “I think it’ll be ok, Jonah. Aren’t you excited to feel normal again?”

Jonah shifted in his chair, trying hard not to pull anything off his skin. He smiled at the Dr, and gave a weak thumbs up. He didn’t even know if he could speak, his mouth was so dry from anxiety.

Jonah is what we call chronically ill. He’s been unable to work full or part time in years. He was diagnosed with multiple autoimmune diseases that cause a great deal of daily pain, and endless exhaustion. He hadn’t lived a normal day in over 5 years. Jonah had been seeking any form of relief, willing to travel thousands of miles to work with Drs who were willing to try to treat him. He had been completely unsuccessful… Until now.

The nurses double checked all of the settings on the machinery, and made sure that each suction cup was perfectly placed, and sensing nerve activity. For the nerve functionality swap, both men were to be put under anesthesia until the swap was complete. This is the first time the Dr had performed this experiment on humans, though it had proved very successful on all his other test subjects. If this experiment was successful, they would be one step closer to curing all pain diseases, and ending a far too common drug addiction in pain patients. If he was successful, he would save millions of lives. He would save the world. But no pressure, right?

It’s Not You… It’s Me.


Today I’m feeling a lot. I can’t express the emotions because I’m not even sure what they are. It’s a sense of loss, a sense of self pity, and frustrations.

I don’t know why I try to date. I don’t know why I’ve been so willing to put myself out there and tell the world that I’m ready for love. I don’t know why I accept being told over and over again that my illnesses are the problem. That if it weren’t for being sick, I would be so wonderful. That I’m sexy, passionate, strong, and so smart! But this body of mine… this body that’s decided to give into itself, and attack itself, is the issue. Is this the truth, or such an easy out when I’m unwanted?

I’m having the hardest time today dealing with my issues because for the first time in awhile, I actually got my feelings hurt. I was real with someone up front, completely honest about everything, and I felt a connection. I felt something in me awaken, and it felt so good. It was very short lived, because just 7 days later this human gave me one of my very firsts. A first I never even considered would happen to me. I was turned down for a first kiss.

Even after he expressed many times that he wanted to. That he is interested in me. That he likes me on more than one level. That perhaps this awakened sense of belonging was mutual. After holding hands, and flirting again and again, all night, he said no. I asked him to kiss me… he said no, and left.

I’m sitting here, sick and in my worst situation I’ve ever been in, needing the affection and comfort of someone I’ve connected with, instead trying to hold back a strange sense of loss of something that wasn’t mine to begin with. Trying to grasp my silliness for falling for a false sense of common ground, and wondering if my desperation for human contact has blurred my vision of reality. That instead of protecting myself, I’ve actually put myself in a situation destined to hurt me.

I’m not sure how long this feeling will linger, or how much it will hurt in the end, but I know that right now my heart hurts more than my body. That I’m fighting back emotions. That I’m fighting off another ding to my self esteem, and trying to keep my head up. Reminding myself that there are people out there who would look past my disabilities and see me for who I am. But today it feels like I would have to beg for the much needed attention. I can’t bring myself to do that.

My heart hurts. My head hurts. My foot hurts. Hell, my entire body hurts. But most of all, my pride hurts. My hope hurts. My mind hurts. And my eyes hurt from the overwhelming urge to cry and let these feelings out. Instead I continue to choke back tears, because it feels so weak and pathetic to cry today. To cry over a man. To cry over hurt feelings. Like a child…

I meant to have direction in this blog post, but it’s turned into a ramblings of thoughts. I needed to get these feelings out, and tell someone how much I’m actually hurting. I can’t bring myself to admit it to the world, so I’ll admit it to wordpress.

I’m hurt. I’m sad. In trying to keep my head up, however it seems there is no end to the suffering and loneliness I feel.

I have a very bleak vision of my future, being forever single or settling for someone who doesn’t appreciate me just so I don’t have to be alone anymore. I love my freedom, but I miss companionship. I don’t know if I’ll ever have it. I’m broken, I’m damaged, and in so many eyes, I have nothing to offer. My personality, my love, and my SELF is not enough for the mentality of the throw away world we live in today.

But I’m sure each and every man that crosses my path knows that is not him. It’s me. I am bent, I am broken, I am not worth the effort. It’s not you… its me. Even though I have no choice but to live in this body, and you have the choice to judge me for it. Do you even realize you’re doing that?

I give up.

I Thought About You…


I thought about you today, but maybe not for the reasons you think. I’ve been looking at my life through a microscope recently, trying to find solutions to my ever growing problems. You used to be a solution, but in reality, you were just a hidden problem.

You liked the way I touched you. The way I looked up at you with my big blue eyes. The way I’d softly kiss your face. You needed my admiration and love, yet you gave me little in return. Such superficial actions, requesting my highest of praises. I gave you my love, my loyalty, and most of all my time. You gave me false hope, and plenty of unrealistic expectations.

Perhaps everything I’ve ever wanted is now out of reach, and it’s time to find a new dream. My body has betrayed me more than anything or anyone, but you come in as a close second. Not a single whisper held truth, though you held me up when I needed it most.

I lay here writhing in pain, knowing so many don’t even think twice about leaving me on the floor. Thinking it’s all an act, because that’s how they would behave with the slightest of pain. Over dramatic, frantic, and selfish. I’ve held more pain inside, and my tongue has bite marks from all the words I never let out. The emotions I held back. The pretty little boxes inside in my soul, filled with the agony caused by my body, mind, and… you.

It’s time to burn down our stack of boxes. Free those emotions, and find a new happy place; this one is tainted. Run from the forest, from the trees, and out into a new world. I ache to feel sand between my toes, and a warm breeze on my face. The sound of the ocean. No more boxes. No more you.

I thought of you today. I burned our little boxes. I left our happy place. Off to find a new one. A new one only for me.

It’s Been So Long


It’s been so long since I wrote anything in this blog, let alone came to it. I’ve been laying here reading my old words, and realizing the changes in me over the last year and some months.

I had a hysterectomy done. Changes meds. Changed mindset! Changed my life. I’m now disabled, and unhappily so, but working on it.

I’ve had my share of ache in the last year, including body, mind, soul, and heart. I’ve fallen, gotten up, and fallen again. I’m in the process of getting back up.

My heart and my mind are in two very different places, and my body isn’t anywhere near where I’m at. It’s sick, tired, and worn down. It’s bloated, overweight, pale, and bruised. My mind’s eye of what I am is nothing close to the body I’m living in. I can’t express the disconnect when your body is nothing like it’s been before. I’m fat, and feel disgusting 90% of the time. Though I know that I’m not my body, and my body isn’t me, I can’t help but look in the mirror and feel hallow. Like my self disconnection is so severe that I’ll never reconnect. I love myself as a human being and as a woman, however this body… so unfamiliar… is hard for me to love.

Don’t get the wrong impression, and think I’ve given up on myself, because that’s far from the truth. I simply don’t feel what others see, and don’t see what others feel. As though my emotional response to my own skin is so wildly different from the men I expose it to. When I feel sexy, I feel the me I used to be rise up and take control. Confident. Rambunctious. Free. The body I’m in now has so many limitations, and flaws that if I had to watch myself in a mirror each time I removed my clothing for another, I hate to think celibacy would be my only way. I can sense the reaction from my partners, and know that if it weren’t for the confidence in eluding, that I would be far from sexy in their eyes. This is new to me, and though I’m aware of it, I push it far back in my mind and try to enjoy myself. It’s the only recreation I have. Perhaps one day someone will see in me who I am, and past the fleshy caging that holds me hostage.

Moving on.

I have been in therapy for the last 6 months, and though it’s hard, I’ve been making progress. We’ve been working on the trauma I’ve been diagnosed, and though I could easily deny the pain and anguish that was left upon my soul, I am better off admitting to the still open wounds. How embarrassing is it to say that 28 years later, you’re still hurting from something others have long forgotten? That 15 years ago the actions of another left marks upon my heart that still affect the way I love? It is such a silly thing to let the world hurt you so. And yet here I am; diagnosed with PTSD, and forcing myself to speak of my abusers. Of what makes me sick to my stomach to discuss, and think of. Leaving each session feeling lighter, but nauseated.

I guess over the last year I’ve made changes in ways that will benefit me in the long run, but for now just weigh heavily on my mind. Literally weigh heavily on my body. Let’s see what the next year has to offer, and if this time I’ll keep up.

Wish me luck.