No More Him…

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I have just done something that used to provoke anxiety in me, but has now made me feel free and as though a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I deleted every text, email, etc that I had from Dead Horse (Jeff) in my email. They are ALL gone. I have removed all his emails, phone numbers, etc from all of my contacts and eliminated all social networking connections we had.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it is. I have removed the words that he wrote to me from my life completely. Every “I love you”, “Fuck you”, and any other emotion I was holding onto… are gone. Every. Single. One. I did a search in my system, and every email or text that even mentioned his name is also gone. And here is why.

I have been thinking less and less about the Dead Horse, which is such a relief. There are times I realized I haven’t even though about him in over a week. I haven’t had him be the star of one of my dreams for quite some time. Until last night. It was SUCH an unpleasant dream, and I woke feeling isolated, shunned, exposed, and hurt. frustrated-business-woman-stuck-box-isolated-7145177 I went through many emotions during my vivid night time expression of emotion. I was shoved in a box, thrown out of a car, hugged, pushed, shamed, and at one point I was sobbing naked in front of his whole family. I choked out reasons behind my failure to be what he wanted, expressing my own personal hatred for my illness, and begging them not to judge me while Dead Horse took off with his new gf. I cried and cried about my illness. I apologized for not being able to keep up. They all told me that he was better off with someone “normal”. That I was “bad for him” because of how much time and energy I was and would suck out of his life. That he deserved better than someone of my “caliber”. Someone who can be active, doesn’t have the emotional and physical limitations I have, and doesn’t come from my same family history. At one point they were shoving me inside a small car while I asked for at least my clothes back, but they all insisted I just leave. Bare chest and all.

I could feel the pain that he had caused me during and after our relationship. I felt the burn inside me that only he had ever caused me to feel, as well as the ache and loss that I felt every time he told me he didn’t want what he “knew” I wanted. Every time he walked out the door because he thought we might “fight” that night. The nights I spent alone crying in my bed while he was home watching basketball and getting drunk instead of helping me through such a difficult time that is chronic illness diagnostics. Of course, I was feeling run down, emotional, and not “physical” at all, so why would he spend time with me when I was being such a downer, right? All of these feelings rushed through me while I fought myself to wake up. I knew I was dreaming, and all I wanted was to let go of all these emotions that obviously still linger inside me. I had to, and have to let it go!

When I woke up I was nearly in tears. I was flat on my back, and I could hear my girls playing and fighting downstairs. I stared at the ceiling trying to fight off the useless emotions that were flowing through me. My WHOLE body ached, and I couldn’t help but have quick thoughts of how it might be better to be a vegetable than what I am right now. stock-footage-portrait-of-sad-and-unhappy-woman-crying-laying-in-bed-in-bedroom-pensive-girl-uhd-ultra-hd-k Maybe numb from the neck down… but that honestly sounds more miserable than what I am going through right now. I would hate to not be able to slap a bitch. lol – Reaching over for my phone, the lights were blinking like crazy. I had so many texts, notifications, snapchats, etc. Hmmm… I will check them all later, I only cared about the ones from Rain. “Yeah.. I thought about you quite a bit.” and “Mmmm… another whole day?!?” – Rain had gone out with some friends the night before, and I had sent him some enticing texts. We have a date tomorrow night, and I am glad to see that he is still just as eager as I am. This started to pull me out of the hurt I was still experiencing from my dream. The sound of my children downstairs, numerous texts and social interactions waiting to occur, and the texts from Rain reminded me that I am still a person. I am still me, though I felt shoved around and pushed away due to my needs, especially in my dream. Jeff… all I felt was hurt, betrayal, and cruelty. The pain when he cheated on me. The hurt when I found out about his numerous lies. The rejection and betrayal when he replaced me within 14 days of our 2 year relationship ending. I pictured myself standing bare and exposed in front of everyone just pleading for them to see ME! To see that I was trying to be what he needed, and even what I needed, but falling short due to things outside of my control. THIS is what hurt the most. Being so exposed, and so rejected.

All day today I have been feeling off. I have been feeling low, and the aches throbbing through me are not helping. Since I sprained my ankle on Sunday, I used crutches for a few days. Apparently these crutches caused some deep bruising and issues in my arm pits, and I have since developed both pain and a few small cysts. pain-woman1 Even my clothing rubbing against the tender tissue sends shooting pains through me. What would he have thought of my arm pit pain? Would it be just another inconvenience? Another reason to roll his eyes and go home? Would he once again tell me that it is in my head, and I should have a better attitude? That I would probably be better if I just wasn’t so negative! – I cringe at the thought. I thought about all the feelings and pain I kept to myself just so I didn’t push too much emotion on his shoulders. I wanted him with me, I wanted to SEE him, so I knew I had to keep certain things in. I had to watch certain shows. Drink certain drinks. Even discuss certain topics. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I push myself around so much for someone who was mistreating me behind the scenes? Who was reading each and every text that I ever sent. Every email that I both sent and received. He hacked into my facebook, my work email, my personal email, etc. He hated friends and family for what I thought was no reason, but later found was misguided opinions of texts and other interactions I had with them. I pushed a handful of people out of my life for him because they made him uncomfortable. Of course that stemmed from chats from long time friends telling me I was lovely, and a good catch, etc.

About an hour ago I logged into my email to see if my sister had sent over some pictures she wants me to upload, and I noticed his name on the left side of my screen. article-1175013-0499B8A7000005DC-375_468x325 Why on earth do I still have him in my chat list? I right clicked, and removed. Then it hit me… I still had almost EVERY interaction we had ever had in my emails. Work chats with him, home chats with him, emails, texts, photos, etc. Why? Why did I still have these? WHAT is the purpose? Doing a search for his name, I started deleting. Pulling things with every keyword I could possibly think of that would bring up something from/to him. DELETE. Over and over and over again! I found THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of internet interaction and removed them. I then went and extra removed them by deleting them from my trash. I searched and searched until I could not find one thing left. It felt amazing. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I finally realized that I had no choice to go and read his words. His loving words, casual words, and most of all his hateful words. The manipulative way he would talk down on himself for sympathy. For me to come to the rescue and show him that he was wanted. The strange things he would bring up for no reason, and the odd fights they would start. As if he wanted to spend time away from me just to be away. NO MORE. No more him. No more us. No more. No more Jeff Hebert.

No more… Jeff… no more dead horse. His words are gone, and I couldn’t feel better about it. I never knew deleting digital communication would feel so freeing.

I got this…

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Clumsiness. Such a bad thing when it comes to people who are easily injured. I happen to be entirely clumsy, and often end up stepping on things, dropping things, and best of all… falling down. On Sunday while I was out to breakfast with Rain and my girls, I had a fight with a rock. No.. not a rock. A pebble. I am ashamed to say that I literally stepped on a small pebble, which took my down to my knees and caused a small tear in my left ankle ligament. How brilliant am I? It was not only painful, but so very embarrassing for me for Rain to have to come and help me up. I writhed in pain, and held back tears (which come on, I am SO used to pain I could hold back tears for days!) while we headed back to my house.

46-woman-wrapping-sprained-ankle-lgn-91242505 Rain had come over the night before, and we had a lovely evening. He came over a bit early so we could prevent as much “curiosity” peeking from the girls by him meeting them and hanging around for a bit. They adore him. This both makes me nervous, but is also comforting at the same time. I have had many friends, both male and female, who have come and spent quite a bit of time and then faded out. People come and go out of your lives, and though I have been so protective over my lovelies hearts, I feel at this point it is better for them to see that engaging with the opposite sex is not just for boyfriend/girlfriend situations. Rain and I have known each other for almost a month, so we are not even fully acquainted yet… though… we did get “acquainted” with each other that night. Quite acquainted. And it was fantastic.

During the drive home, Rain rolled down the windows to let some fresh air in because, though I was holding back tears, I was not doing such a good job at not breathing fast and heavy. The cool air felt great on my fingertips, and distracted me from my ankle. That was.. until he rolled them up. Without me noticing. Until it was too late! I was able to pull my hand in without scathing, except my poor little pinky finger. So here I am, ankle swelling and throbbing in pain, and now my pinky is bleeding. What a lovely end to a lovely date. The look on Rain’s face was nothing short of magical guilt. He insisted that he cancel all his plans and take care of the poor sick girl. I was quite tempted to just send him on his way, take care of myself, and wallow in self pity. While he was getting an icepack, getting my ankle propped up, and ensuring I was comfortable I considered the reasons to say no. Pride. That was it. Pride would prevent me from allowing him to take care of me. Guilt. The guilt of needing someone to take care of me, and being so very fragile at this point that it can be almost a requirement. I wanted to just sit on my couch and cry. I always feel so vulnerable and weak when these things happen to me. 200167732-002 I have always been a bit clumsy, and this is probably the 3rd time I have torn those same ligaments since I was a teenager, but I could take care of myself back then. I did not need someone to help me, because I could hop on one foot all I needed. Crutches didn’t ache in my armpits, and cause my hands to swell. My hips didn’t throb, and my whole body didn’t flare up. I knew I was going to end up fully exhausted, miserable, and in pain for the next few days simply because I was hurt. Why shouldn’t I let a caring, affectionate, worried man take care of me? No realistic reason. I reluctantly agreed, and hoped that it didn’t end up scaring him away. Chronic illness is serious, and having things shoved in your face can frighten anyone. Especially someone I barely know.

He took care of me. He kissed my face, played with my hair, and snuggled me. He listened to my body when it negatively reacted, and also when it positively reacted. He kept me safe from my over excited, crazy little minions; ensuring that they stayed away from my leg while I napped, but also teasing me about my law mower snore. RUDE! I didn’t know I snored so bad, but I am sure that it was the swelling of my insides in general from the injuries, not to mention the allergies of spring. He stayed for over 6 hours, doting to my every need and taking SUCH great care of me. When he left I was sad, but so pleased that he had been so good to me. He took an awful thing and turned my day back around. I am fond of Rain.

This week has also been rough. My body has been flaring due to the accident, and I have been so stressed. I had updates left and right with clients. Escalations all over the place, not to mention taking care of my own random client upsets. I was half awake, my mind has been working in slow motion, and my body was fighting itself off. By Tuesday afternoon I was so worn out that I accidentally double dosed myself on my mood stabilizer instead of my gabapentin. woman-medication-worried-200x300 In my defense, the bottles look almost identical and I was on the phone with a client. I was distracted, and I hurt myself. I only noticed about 10 minutes later when I went to reach for my inhaler and realized that my limictal bottle was at the top of my purse and not the gabapentin. Faaaaantastic. I quickly Googled the effects of what would happen at the dosage I had taken, and saw that I could quickly lose control of my cognitive function, as well as my hand eye coordination. I banged my head on my desk and considered my options. It was about 3:55pm, and I get off at 5. By that time I could have lost all control over my basic functions, and will likely not be able to drive, let alone walk. I kicked myself mentally over and over again for about 5 minutes, and then I left work. I informed my babysitter I was coming, and to have my girls ready. Let my boss know I had drugged myself, and would put myself in danger if I did not leave for home. I felt like such an idiot, but it was what it was, and I just need to remember that I rarely do that. I think this is only the 3rd time in 3 years. Not too bad of a track record, right?

Tuesday was my Rheumatologist appointment, and I was so scared! I was worried about the pain it would put me through, and the results he would find. I want him to find and help with every bit of me that is wrong, but I also don’t want to find something that is not fixable. I was also terrified that he would tell me I was crazy, and send me on my way. This did not happen at all, which was a huge relief. I would like to write a post that goes through my first appointment all on it’s own, so I am going to skip including it in this post. Let’s just say it was painful, but it also went well.

Today is Friday, and tonight I am spending the evening with my lovely Kindred Spirit, and her babies. I am so excited, I can barely contain it. She recently had a beautiful baby girl (about 3 months ago), and has two others. We have known my KS for about 6 years, and she is such a wonderful addition to my life. I wish I saw her more, but we are both full time working moms, I have my illness, and she has her new baby. We were pregnant together when I had my last minion, and our babies have been friends their whole lives. They hear each others names and go bizerk! She is coming with her lovely family, and a bottle of wine. We are all going to snuggle in front of the TV for my weekly ritual (over 4 years now) of movie night Friday and watch Frozen. The kids will pile up on each other on the blanket, my teenager will coo over baby P, while KS and I catch up and laugh the same way we always do. Sunday is Easter, and I get to spend the morning and afternoon with my babies, and then have a date with Rain while my kids go to their grandma’s. I am hoping this week brings nothing but happiness, and I am able to rest my poor body. I have many joyous things in my life right now. Many things to love and smile over. It was just a tough week… but I am a tough girl.

I got this.

What Kind of Life is That?

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Friendships are something that can make or break your day. Good friendships are hard to find, and REAL friendships are harder. Friendships with people who don’t hurt you, whether intentional or not, are almost impossible to find. I find myself questioning my friendship with those around me who have no understanding of where I come from. I was born and raised in a polygamist family, and I Have to admit that most rumors about polygamy are true. I have yet to want to get into the details, but I did not have the best childhood. I have large gaps in my memory, which I can only assume exist due to my brain deciding that it is best if I forget. Sure thing, brain! No argument there. Suppress away! 6a00d834520b4b69e201156e49b4b4970c I have entered into 5 relationships, 4 of which were terrible and abusive on one level or another. The 5th I am still trying to figure out how to recover from, and what to sort out. I am really good at getting myself into crappy situations, but on that note, I am also good at recognizing they are bad and getting out of them. It may take me a few years, but I got this! I have decided to look back at my failures and accomplishments as a slew of events that were to get me where I am now. Regrets? Of course. Trying to let go of those regrets? Absolutely.

Recently I have been examining my choice of friendships. There are some that have been around from the time I was child, a teenager, a young adult, and ones that are still fresh. I have found that my recently developed friendships are likely not as solid or “untainted” as I had thought. Someone I have trusted with secrets, pain, joy, etc has recently betrayed me, and I really have no urge to forgive them. Not that I am angry with them per say, however the idea that a person presents who they are as a friend to my face as one thing, and behind my back as another does little for my happiness and trust. If words against me are being used without my knowledge, words that I shared in confidence, I truly have no want to share such private things with them again. My past, present, and future personal privacy is not something I want broken. I am quite the open book, so when I choose to share something with you that I don’t share with others, you should probably keep that information in confidence.

I have so many things going on in my life right now, and adding distrust is not one that I would prefer to have. I am sure nobody does, but with all of the ailments (both medical and emotional) that I have I seem to feel an extra sting at the knowledge that bad words have been said about me. I do not consider myself a bad person, and though I have done many things wrong (and even cruel – I am only human) I am the first to admit my fault and pursue correction. healthy_gossip I do not break the trust of others. I do not use what they told me against them behind their back, however pretend that I am innocent. I do not feign friendship. So when this is done to me, I can’t help but step back and once again wonder what it is about me that made me so trusting of this one particular person. I have been fooled so many times by the charismatic and “seemingly” honest person, only to find they are cruel and truly the most dishonest of sorts. I guess it can play into the fact that I don’t understand this thought process. I will, however say, that I have chosen to keep my current feelings at bay and simply stop sharing the things that I would not share with the average person. I know that addressing this behavior will do nothing but harm, and it is not my place to try to change anyone. I will accept how they are, and move on. I accept that they will likely fade out of my life one day, and it won’t make much of a difference. I also accept that they may completely turn on me one day, so the less ammo I give them, the better. I can’t avoid them in my day to day life, so I will avoid the subject instead.

On an ending note, with all of the occurrences lately I find myself becoming more and more depressed. I am not one who likes to admit failure or defeat, so I tend to let things pile up so much that they start to weigh me down and I have a harder time recovering. This is such the case now. I am sad. I am incredibly unhappy, though there are things that still bring joy to my life. It is not joyless, I simply feel worn out, overwhelmed, and sad. My illnesses, the lack of support I see around me more and more, and the burdens I carry as a working single mother. I am not a ‘pity whore’, but my life is incredibly hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it is not showing any signs of improvement. The ailments that bring me woe ARE my life. It is what my life consists of every day. They say that happiness is not a situation, it is an attitude.. but I find it increasingly hard to find self motivation and keep a happy outlook when things are so exhausting. When life it so exhausting. When what I deal with on a daily basis would be incredibly hard for a healthy person of my age, let alone someone with my illnesses. When I realize that those around me I thought believed and supported me.. doubt and belittle me behind my back.

What kind of life is that?

The Enemy of All Things Good…

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Anxiety. This is the enemy of all things good. Feeling anxious about anything can lead to a domino effect of anxiety beyond control! Today my anxiety is high. I have been so sick recently, and I have been trying to ignore it. I wonder if it is all in my head like some people are trying to convince me it is. Does my mind create this pain because I think it is there, or does my brain create it on it’s own and I am just responding? I can’t tell what is causing this flare, or what it is really effecting. I want to sleep for days, but I am in too much pain to wind down. If I take pain meds, my body is still buzzing from the nerves, and I can’t relax. I must move. Adjust. Change position and get comfortable. My hands hurt. Feet. Now it’s my knees. My elbows. New nodules in my hand. Only things that I notice, and people don’t see any difference. These are not my hands. These are not my feet. This is not how my body looks. This is a completely foreign place I live, and it continues to change without warning.

Due to the feelings I have been having, and the flare that seems to just be spreading through my entire form, I finally made an appointment with a Rheumatologist. 42-23789836_rf-d-ar2 (1) I am both hopeful, but anxious as hell. What if he doesn’t believe me? What if he tells me the same thing I have been told all along and he can’t help me? I am so afraid of what will happen. Recently I went back to my gyno due to severe cramps and other menstrual issues. Ultrasound. Blood work. Anxiety. What did we find? Small cysts on both ovaries, and a slightly thicker endometrium than normal. ALMOST endometriosis. Nothing they can do for now except put me on small bursts of birth control and hope it helps. I have issues with birth control. I have EVERY side effect, and even went into early menopause because of one. My hair started falling out at age 27. I was not happy. I am NOT doing that again. So what can we do at this time? Nothing.

On top of all this stress, my children are ALL going through new phases. My 7 year old has become a klepto. My 13 year old is teenage drama up the WAZOO! My 4 year old is going through a hitting and kicking phase. That kid can kick some ASS. None of any of this is good. This results in extra work from my already exhausted body and mind. I am all alone, with nobody to help me teach babies what they should and should not do. I am doing the best I can, but the results are slower. All the while I am getting meetings with the junior high. Returning items and making the child apologize. Reports from the babysitter on the violent actions of my giant toddler. In short, it is rough.

two-girls-whisperingThere has been whispers going on all around me. Whispers about my illness, how I handle my kids, my life, my SEX life. I made the mistake of sleeping with a coworker a few weeks ago. (Sorry, this man is sexy as fack) He made the mistake of telling the biggest mouth in the office, who then went to my friend and informed her he knew. The chatter isn’t bad, but I hate it. To have people look me straight in the eye and then turn around and talk about what I do and do not do in my spare time is beyond annoying. I kinda wanna punch the world in the face right now. Then cry. And hide. Be alone, but somehow snuggled at the same time. Do they make adult sized swaddle blankets soaked in men’s cologne. Instead of a heartbeat, just a soothing voice saying, “It’s ok! You can do this. Shhhhhh… don’t worry. This too shall pass. You are loved.”

No. So, anxiety is high today. My hope is low. I want to go home, yet I have 4 more hours here and then the chaos that is my family. Love. Nothing but love for them.. but what about love for me? When is it my turn?

You Should…

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“That’s still going on?”

“Have you tried…?”

“Have you seen a Dr?”

“You should talk to your Dr about that.”

When you have a chronic illness, you have heard these remarks, and they get old fast. We have all held our tongues; smiled, nodded, and agreed. Even thanked people for their help and input. None of these are helpful in the slightest, as I know my body, and when things are wrong I will go see my Dr. A low grade fever for three days is not a Doctorable offense. New liquid filled cysts, and lumps in uncomfortable places is not something to rush to the nearest ER about. Ever woken up in a pool of your own blood? I sure have, and did I rush off to my Dr? No. Because the color, consistency, and amount did not qualify as something that I personally need to rush off and spend my hard earned money on another, “Just keep taking your meds, and try not to push yourself that hard again. If the bleeding blah blah blah blah!” Heard it all.

This has been another rough week for me, as I am sure you could have guessed by my last blog post. I have run fevers, thrown up, bled from every possible orifice that can bleed without threatening death, and woke up in so much pain, it took all my might not to scream at the top of my lungs. I have left epsom salt bath water black, had less than 20 hours sleep in the last 6 days, and have been popping pain meds left and right. massage-picture-fibro I called in an emergency 90 minute massage due to my muscles being SO tight, I could barely turn my head. I was an hour late to a date, which did not go so well. (He was religious, had no kids and wanted some. I am none of the above.) I have been late to work every day this week. Missed appointments. Forgotten about trainings. Etc. I can’t help but feel like such a failure some weeks, and though I am STILL going strong, I do feel a bit like a failure.

This week I got into the worst fight I have ever had with any of my siblings. My sister, who we will refer to as Delusional Hippy, got on my very last nerve. She has been poking at me for awhile, and I finally had enough. The worst part is that she doesn’t realize she is doing it. She comments on my photos, statuses, and other such social media outlets with such cruel implications hidden in innocent text. She recently implied that in order for me not to end up alone I need to lower my expectations and standards for a potential spouse. Also, there is a possibility that I will never find someone and will end up alone. She told me I needed to be ok with the possibility that there isn’t someone out there for me. O_o She said, “You seem to think you are incomplete without a man.” – Now, keep in mind that this is my sister who is married to a convicted felon who used to harass me about having sex with him. He pursued me for about 8 years, starting when I was about 13. Not a big fan of this man. He is currently in prison for the 3rd time. DH has not dated much, and is often described as ‘homely’. I am not going to toot my own horn, but even with the extra weight, skin problems, and chronic illnesses, I am still quite the looker. It is hard for me to even fathom that there isn’t someone out there who wants what I want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, and that doesn’t make me desperate or incomplete. I have a goal of sharing the love I have, and making a life for me and my girls. My sister and I had a blowout. With-physical-pain-you-can-pinpoint-a-problem-and-seek-the-appropriate-treatment-as-with-a-wound-or-a-broken-bone-but-it-is-vastly-more-difficult-to-pinpoint-the-cause-of-emotional-pain. I blocked her on 3 facebook accounts before she went to texting. One thing anyone who knows me understands is that if I want to be left alone, you back off. You let me be. She knew this, and pushed me to my brink. I snapped, and I tore into her like there was no tomorrow. It did not go well, and I have been sick ever since. Extra sick.

People tend to forget that emotional turmoil is also going to have a negative effect for the chronically ill. Stress causes so much pain, it is ridiculous. I broke out with 17 cysts, ranging from the size of a pea to silver dollar. Arm pits, face, neck, legs, etc. They are everywhere. Here I am emotionally and physically ill over something as silly as me being alone and sad. Being judged by a woman who is neglectful of her children, and needs of everyone but herself and her husband. She is inconsiderate, and rude, however I have always brushed it off as her personality. She is who she is and you take it with a grain of salt. I have always loved and supporter her in all her decisions. Want to marry a felon I am not really fond of? Ok. Still love you, keeping my mouth shut. If he makes you happy, and you are confident in your decision, who am I to tell you otherwise? Want to ignore the fact that your children only snack all day, every day and do not have a full nutritional diet at home? Ok. I expressed my concerns, she brushed them off. I watch my niece and nephews, and make sure they are properly dressed for the weather and eat when at my house. She is not physically abusive, and her children love her. I will express my concerns when they seem applicable, otherwise I will respect her parenting ways. It is not my direct business, and she is allowed to run her home as she pleases, just as I am. But when you step in and tell me that because of my VALUES, and my STANDARDS, I am going to be alone. As if someone of that caliber would never have interest in someone like me. How dare you?

“You are always sick. You seem sad.” – Of course I am sad! Being sick is sad!

article-2218035-1583EAED000005DC-685_634x423 “You know that a man won’t fix your illness.” – I am aware of this. Nothing can ‘fix’ my illness. But I want to share what I can with someone, and show my girls that love can blossom out of the worst of situations. Also, I think that it would be a lot easier to make it up my stairs when I am super sick if I had some nice big arms assisting me in my journey.

“You need to understand that marriage has ups and downs. It’s not all good.” – What. In. The. Good. Hell? Are you kidding me? Please.. just… I am not even going to address this one, as this is just a joke that as a divorced 29 yr old woman who has been in MORE of a married relationship in the last 2 years with a man I never lived with than she has.

So, here I am…. sick, tired, and getting unwanted advice on not only my health, but also my love life. Basically feeling like those around me feel I am unable to properly determine when I need to see a Dr, or how to care for my own broken body. Nor am I capable of creating a happy marriage one day because I have high standards, and I am too sick to expect someone of that caliber to be interested in me. Perhaps I should lower my expectations and marry a felon. Seems like someone like that might ACTUALLY be interested in me, and fill that empty part of me that is ‘incomplete without a man’. Because, you know.. I am not complete without a penis, but I should probably accept that it is likely I will never find one that will put up with my shitty life.

Umm.. I may or may not be bitter this week, and angry. Sitting at the front desk in such pain I am thinking it would be better to be numb from the neck down. My head is throbbing on the right side, vision is blurry, and my right index finger is swelling. I am not sure if the emotions caused the flare, or the flare caused the emotions, but either way it is shitty. Either way this week was awful. I can’t take the pain meds that would kill this pain, as they will knock me out. I am beat, and I have an entirely full weekend ahead of me. This is not a good mix…

I apologize for this blog. It is crazy, all over the place, but I needed to vent. Thank you for not judging the crap out of me.

Middle Child Syndrome…

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Middle child syndrome. As a middle child, I guess I should really understand how this works, and perhaps I had this and just can’t remember. The idea is that in a family of three you should be giving your time evenly to all of the children; Obviously breaking down to 33% each. As the middle child, they often feel left out due to the perks of being both older, and younger. The older child is able to do many things that the middle child is not. They seem to be able to be given more privileges, freedom, and all around the middle child envies the abilities that the older child has. (Keep in mind in my home, my oldest child is 13, while my middle is 7) Then there is the youngest. They are treated as the baby, and are seen as getting more attention, and possibly love, than the middle child. The baby gets away with things the middle child no longer can, and there is also an odd sense of freedom. Child feeling left out. Image shot 2009. Exact date unknown. The middle child is too old to do what the baby does, and too young to do what the oldest does. Here they are stuck in the middle, feeling left out and unloved as the other children ‘run free’ and get away with possibly everything they can!

My child has this to a T. Severely. Not only is she the middle child, but I am mothering three girls. The oldest is 6 1/2 years older, and the youngest is 3 years younger. My oldest and youngest are both tall for their age, while my middle is quite small. Standing only approx 3 inches taller than her 4 year old sister, she is often paired with her when it comes to activities. Though they are both incredibly adorable, my middle child’s intellect is beyond compare. She is not only logical, but critical and also moody. She is quick to upset, and even faster to scold you. Due to being bossed around by her older sister, she is extra bossy with her younger sister. The only problem with this is, yet again, she is barely taller than this sibling. Therefore when a fight breaks out between the two, it is often her who is left in tears, because my littlest girl has no qualms against fighting dirty. She will pinch, pull, kick and punch. Needless to say, this is not fun for the mommy.

So here I am, a single mother working to support three kids on my own, all the while suffering through multiple autoimmune diseases, and dealing with my lovely little middle child. overwhelm_life2 Who is suffering through her own battle of angry self pity, and with the intellect to understand what is going on around her, she is becoming a bitter little blond soldier of war. War on the peace at home, and anyone else who she can possibly get away with mistreating. There is little hope for peace, and she is nowhere near willing to raise the white flag and give up on her middle child temper tantrums. Her adorable little face, big blue eyes, and almost white blond hair is quickly changed from a beautiful little cherub into a cringing almost demon like glare. She can scrunch her face up with the best of them, and will stare you down with no remorse. Should you refuse to give into this battle, she will cry out in a piercing scream of anger, stomping her way to her “castle”, causing as much destruction she can get away with on her way, and cursing your very existence. This will be followed by a slamming of doors, and silence. Now and then she will make her presence and anger known by stomping around in her bedroom, which causes our kitchen lights to flicker. I think I have made my point when it comes to my child’s behavior. Some days she can suffer through many ‘unfair’ events, while others she is finished upon the first. It is a never ending roller coaster of middle child syndrome.

There are a few things that I have tried to simmer down the middle child, and though things have worked in the past, recently her behavior has escalated. Child-Discipline-200x300 I have no doubt that this has to do with the fact that the smallest child has been ill with the flu, hence getting more attention from the oldest and me. She has not been able to play with middle child, thus leaving her lost as to what to do with her spare time. She has such an active mind, and requires so much interaction to keep her pleased, that the lack of having a ‘lacky’ has recently left her alone. Older child was suspended (long story, but nothing serious) therefore home with the little one for two days, while I worked and recovered from a week’s worth of bronchitis. At the end of the day, oldest was exhausted from the needy baby, I was exhausted from the extra work load I acquired this week as well as the struggle my illness was putting on my body. This week middle child has been so incredibly neglected, she has been nothing short of awful to everyone. I have tried putting her in her place with times outs, extra chores, and talks. I have also tried snuggling, talking, and spending extra time at home with her, however it is always interrupted with the other two and she ends up storming off in her overly dramatic manner. This mother is at a loss.

So, I am trying one last thing before I throw my hands in the air and give up on treating my beautiful little girl’s MCS. Tonight I am taking her to see Frozen, just her and I, and then to the Village Inn, which is her favorite place to eat. I have high hopes that by the end of the night she feels extra love, and that implementing mommy/daughter dates with my MC will resolve some of the issues she has. I have to say that at this time, having the MCS happening is causing so much stress on me that I am immediately tense whenever she approaches. This, no doubt, is felt by her and likely exacerbates the situation and the tension in the home. Hopefully my plan will work, we will have a lovely time together, and tomorrow the screaming, stomping and anger will be significantly less. Wish me luck! As a single mother, an autoimmune sufferer, and an all around stressed out person.

Lets do this, Middle Child!

My Lovely…

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A little known fact about me is that every Sunday morning I check for new post secrets, reading through them slowly and allowing myself to both relate, and feel for the people who have sent them in. This morning I found one that hit me in a special part of my heart that I hold for those that I love. The post secret read: “I get angry at every mother who doesn’t love her children as much as I would love mine, If I could have them.” I felt this stinging inside me that only exists because of the suffering and pain I have seen loved ones go through. One in particular is a close friend of mine. We will refer to her as “Lovely”. Lovely is young, beautiful, and married to a man she loves dearly. She has always wanted children, but unfairly discovered that it is very unlikely she will be able to carry a baby full term. Lovely is a wonderful woman, and would make an amazing mother. She suffers with the pain of endometriosis, which can make it difficult to both concieve, and carry a baby to full term. For those who do not know what this is, let’s define it:

post secretEndometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop. Fortunately, effective treatments are available.

Though there are treatments, they can often leave you infertile as well, and so attempting to treat your body naturally is a good starting point to allow your body to accept implantation of a fertilized egg. Using drugs and other scraping treatments CAN work, but are not a guarantee. Here is why this occurs:

Implant Secretions

The endometrial tissue secretes many important hormones that help facilitate pregnancy. The endometrial implants secret these same hormones, but instead of secreting them into the uterus where they belong, they’ll secrete them into the abdominal cavity or other parts of the body. These misplaced hormones may interfere with the pregnancy process. In addition, the implants often secrete hormones later than the cells lining the womb. This may cause the body to become confused and continue ovulating, even though a fertilized egg has already been implanted. When this occurs, the uterus sheds the old lining, including the egg, and a very early miscarriage results.

holding_back_lgI have seen this process with Lovely, and my heart breaks for her. She tries so hard to hide while we are together, but I can see it inside her. She is a strong and wonderful person, and I love her dearly. Each time we discuss her issues, I cannot help but feel a pain inside me because of how fertile I have been. I have the EXACT opposite issue as Lovely, and though I am perfectly aware neither of us have control over it, I cannot help but feel a twinge of guilt as I remember the anger I felt with each unexpected and inconvenient pregnancy. I have never known what it is like to be elated to be having a child. Now I wish I was healthy, and that I could carry her child for her and her husband. I have such an ability to create life, that I would gladly accept an implantation of their egg and sperm, and grow life for them. At this point I would not be able to carry a child without risking health for both the baby and myself. I wish I know someone who loved her as much as I did and was healthy, and willing to provide to her the life she wants so badly! She deserves a baby! She deserves to hold a precious baby in her arms, and give it the love that radiates from her.

She has become one of my best friends over the last few months, and though many of our life views are different, we respect each other enough that it makes no difference in our friendship. I believe in stricter gun laws (not to the extent the government wants right now, but a bit tighter process to receive a gun.) and she does not. I am Pro-Choice, and for obvious reasons, she is not. She is religious, and has a strong faith in her beliefs. I am not religious at all. I have good personal reasons for that, and she respects them. I love finding people who are so like me in so many ways, and has the same level of respect for others that I do to accept differences. This opens up so many ways in which one is able to love, and care for people. She is Lovely, and she is My Lovely. And I wish I could give her a baby. I wish I could give her TEN babies! I wish I could give her those adorable little boys that will grow up into linebackers, playing professional football and making their mama proud! I am not a religious person, but I pray to the universe for her. I wish for her body to accept a baby, and grow. I send out as many positive vibes as I know how, and I have cried for her.

As I have become more and more sick, I have also become more and more open to love. I am not the same person I was even a year ago, and if I was still that person I would not be able to accept and love as I do right now. three-women-laughing I would distance myself from Lovely due to the inability to accept any feelings that would have been seen as a weakness to me before. I am so glad that I allow myself to feel this now. I be the strong woman I am, but to love and feel what is around me. I would be missing out on so much that Lovely alone gives to me. Together Lovely, a friend we will refer to as Princess, and me would not have the bond that we do. I know that Princess loves Lovely as much as I do, and I love Princess just as much as I love Lovely! I have made two amazing friends, and I know that Princess prays for Lovely! I know that she knows the joys of parenthood, and wishes with all her heart that our dear Lovely could feel that for herself.

So, in conclusion, I am asking anyone who reads this blog to think of Lovely and regardless of your religion or lack there of, send what you can from your heart to this wonderful woman. I love her so much, and if you can feel ANY of this love from me right now, don’t feel it FOR me. Feel love WITH me, and send it to her.

Send it to My Lovely!