My Life Force

Standard

I have regained my footing. My power. My love. My life force!

I feel as though I’ve taken back my power and your pockets are once again empty. Not a single bit of me left in your hands. You have no idea what to do with my powerful force anymore. I know you felt it leave. I saw it in your eyes, though I never met your gaze. I felt it returned to me as the day went on. 

The inability to catch my gaze, while you can’t take your eyes off of me. I noticed your ever increasing stare.  She noticed as well; don’t think she didn’t. What a thing to do in the presence of your lover. The mother of your unborn child. For shame. The powers have shifted back to my favor, and I’m never returning my feelings to you. A man like you doesn’t deserve a woman like me. You deserve a girl like her; one on your same level. Naive, irresponsible, and careless. I’m far beyond that stage in my life, and I need not the nonsensical drama that comes along with your immaturity. 

Go home and mourn the loss of me, like I mourned you long ago. Play house and see that there’s more to love than making babies. More to life than procreation. Hearts to hearts, and you had mine. Until yesterday. Until I saw you with her, and saw the way you looked at her, looked at me, and knew. Those eyes don’t sparkle anymore, do they? Not how they do for me. Not how they danced even weeks ago when I avoided your ever peering gaze, so unwanted, unwelcome, and hurtful. Dancing upon my face, my long hair, my smooth skin. I know you remember the force to be reckoned with that I am; that we are together. A storm that died before the new year began. Died because lies touched lips you dared to share between lovers. I never deserved that pain.

Now I will polish, cherish, and give my force of a heart to him. The man who now knows my touch, my kiss, my force to be reckoned with. He feels the power from me, and sees the value in my heart. 

I left you empty handed yesterday, and lined his pockets with a fierceness he’s not ever known. Mind, body, and soul. I blew through his door with a new found force, and blew his mind. You know the power I have, and now he knows it as well. Through and through. 
I have my heart back, and when I’m ready, I’ll give it away again. Maybe to my lined pocket man, maybe another. But for now, I’m full of my life force again. How’s it feel to be drained?

It’s Not Yours To Keep

Standard

I just want my heart back. 

Want to have my love back from you so I may give it to another one day. One who wants it. One who will cherish it, and appreciate it for what it is. 

My heart is not yours to keep, especially while you give yours to another. It’s so unfair that I have an empty chest while yours is so full, and so happy. I’ve tried all I can do to retrieve it from you, and I have no idea what else to do. I’m at a loss. 

I want to spend my time with someone who will love and appreciate me for who I am, and give myself to them fully. How can that be when you keep such a big piece of me in your pocket? You seem so nonchalant, and careless with my emotions. I’m a big girl, I’m in charge, right?

Such a naive thought, for once you’ve given your heart to another, only they can return it to you. I’ve been asking for mine back, and though you’ve been so cruel to mine, in your hands it remains. 

What are you doing with something so strong, yet so fragile? So big, yet invisible to the naked eye. 

You know you have me wrapped around your finger. You know you have my heart in your hands. It’s not yours to keep. Can I have it back please? And all in one piece? 

Amnesia

Standard

I wish I could specifically erase the memories I have of you that bring on the emotions. The ones that hurt when I hear about you. When I know you’re going to be at an event I want to attend, and I cannot bring myself to go anymore. 

The memories that bring on anxiety and depression in the middle of night, when I’m alone and I know you’re not. You’re with my replacement. The one who could have your kin, and was on so quick to take my place. When I’m at peace, but suddenly I feel your loss, and I hurt. I don’t want that anymore. 

Erase every memory, be it good or bad, and put you back in my mind where you belong. Just another face in the crowd. Just another person I know, but who isn’t past my fortress. Not someone I love and lost. Not someone who hurts me to the core when I see them. When I see you.

I feel so weak and pathetic. I wish I had amnesia. 

Why Don’t You?

Standard

Meibomian gland dysfunction. 

That’s the technical term for my eye issues. Also my lacrimal gland isn’t functioning properly. It’s caused a slew of problems to occur in my eyes,  including but not limited to,  my optic neuritis, the bulging vascular issues,  and slowed nerve responses.  Wahoo! 

Luckily the treatment for these are false tears,  which is just eye drops, and a nightly treatment of warm compresses and eyelid massages until the glands open up and start functioning again.  

I did my first treatment last night…  woke up to a BIG PUFFY FACE,  and many angry, swollen glands all over my body.  This isn’t going to be easy on me,  because what is,  right? Haha.  

Stupid freaking body.  It’s like,  “HEY! I’VE BEEN WORKING ON THAT MEIBOMIAN GLAND DYSFUNCTION FOR YEARS! STOP IT!!” 

Ahhhh. My body is something special.  A moody 82 yr old crazy thing.  For those that are counting,  in the last 3 weeks shone we’ve found:

Cervical spine fractures

Cervical spine bone spurs

Cervical spine osteoarthritis 

Cervical spine degenerative disc disease 

Thoracic spine degenerative disc disease 

Thoracic spine schmorls node herniated disc

Lumbar spine degenerative disc disease 

Lumbar spine schmorls node herniated disc

Lumbar spine posterior/left disc protrusion, causing a small amount of left neuroforaminal narrowing. 

In general, multilevel mild degenerative disc disease. 

And now meibomian gland dysfunction. 

I’m sure I’m leaving things out,  but I’m a bit overwhelmed.  This is on top of everything I have gone through and been diagnosed with since 2011. 

Rheumatiod disease doesn’t go away. It actually continues to destroy my joints and muscles.  Same with my osteoarthritis in my other joints.  In fact, all my joints in my feet,  ankles,  knees,  hips, shoulders,  elbows,  wrists, and hands have it.  Now we can confirm my back and neck has it as well! Lovely! 

I still have gerd and severe ibs. In fact,  most of my meds I take treat me for those.  I have a lot of issues and problems with my digestive system,  and about 18 inches of it is so damaged that if I am too active, it gets irritated and bleeds.  Yeah,  severe ibs puts pressure inside the intestines and can cadre internal blistering and hemorrhoid type issues,  which is what I have,  and it can cause major internal bleeding when irritated. So you can just imagine how hard it is not to irritate it with a seriously bad back like mine,  muscle issues from my other ailments,  and not being able to flex my abs much,  seeing as it’ll pull those intestinal walls and rip my internal sores open. Its a fun game of “What hurts more” i like to play.  

Fibromyalgia is not curable, but luckily the pain levels do fluctuate more so than the other ailments I have.  I know a lot of people think fibromyalgia is a bullshit illness,  however its been long documented in history,  and is referred to as “The Princess and The Pea” illness.  It causes the nerves to become ultra sensitive,  and IS AN ACTUAL MEDICAL ILLNESS! It’s been researched heavily, and they’ve been able to prove that those of us ergo have it react differently to pain stimulation, both in our nerves and our brains.  I have an actual diagnosis from a rheumatologist,  and I’m getting tired of people thinking its some bullshit excuse of an illness. I hate the damn exhaustion, the sensitivity,  the medications.  I hate it with a passion. It is real.  It blows.  Its my body. 

And visceral hypersensitivity! This one goes right along with ibs and fibro! It’s where I am SOOO lucky andI get to feel my intestines functioning and processing my food.  I actually feel my digestion,  and it HURTS.  The best part is that there’s a particular medication, but it’s $40 a month and my insurance won’t cover it. 

Celiac!!! A fun allergy to gluten. Wheat,  barley, and rye. Wheni eat it, I bloat, get very ill, and insanely moody! I swell up like a balloon,  and get insanely lethargic.  Basically my body freaks out and shuts down.  So fun! 

I actually have more little things wrong with me.  

How I react to bug bites.  How I react to grass.  To latex. To certain medicine.  There’s ado many random things! It’s insane.  

There’s people who are on my friends list,  HELL, who are in my family who don’t believe I’m suffering and I’m just dramatic.  That I’m over reacting,  and blow things up.  That I’m “too loud” and “talk too much” about things.  Nobody takes it seriously because I’m so vocal.  

But… they aren’t the ones going through this.  They aren’t the ones who are physically and emotionally dealing with this agony.  Who go back and forth from numb to intense tingling and pain. No! I am. I’m the one whoI deals with that.  

You aren’t the ones dealing with the blood loss, the vision loss, the loss of feeling,  the loss of friends,  and housing and jobs! No.  That’s me! 

You didn’t lose your dignity and pride and privacy! You didn’t have to beg people for help, and live place to place,  and have people call you names behind your back,  and stop being your friend because it was safer to believe you were a liar than to believe you were THAT SICK.  

You didn’t have to drag your beautiful daughters to a disgusting homeless shelter,  and get so sick you were legitimately afraid you were going to die,  only to have people stare at you,  and roll their eyes. Act like you’re such a drama queen again.  No.  That wasn’t you.  

That wasn’t any of you getting brain scans with new brain lesions on it,  and having to keep yourself together while the one person you thought you could always rely on disapears, and lies to you.  While everyone is whispering About what a mooch you are,  and how normal you look,  but you’re in agony every day.  

That’s me. I have been through hell and back just the last few months,  and there’s a handful of humans who have been there for me. 

I hate how many have doubted me.  

Said awful things about me.  

Been awful to me,  or about me.  

I even had someone who was sharing my gofundme and telling people I was selfish for keeping my children,  and I was a bad mother.  I stopped sharing my gofundme because YET AGAIN,  people were being awful about me.  

I’m a very sick human.  I legit sprain my elbow from brushing my hair.  I have at least 20 sores on my body right now from mosquito and spider bites.  I have a hard time wearing regular pants. And I can no longer wear bras with ANY kind of clasps.  I break out in hives.  

Im going through a really shitty time in my life, and I’m lucky enough to be around some amazing humans. But some of you are not so amazing to or about me,  and you don’t even know the truth  about me.  You just make assumptions because I’m pretty and put on a smile.  

I put on that smile for ME! To get me through this shit. Because if I don’t smile and joke my way through this awful stuff,  it’ll kill me.  It will literally take my life. 

So maybe instead of judging and trying to decide whether or not I’m sick enough for your point of view for my diagnosis, maybe just accept that I’m fighting off my own demons. Because this isn’t just physically hard,  it’s mentally and emotionally hard. And even though I can rise above the bullshit most days, sometimes knowing that there’s that doubt in the minds of people i care about… sucks. 

Because I believe you when you say you’re hurting.  Why don’t you believe me?

I’m Broken But Not Alone

Standard

Today I had an MRI of my cervical spine.  Today I got up and went to the Provo Utah hospital.  I got in my gown,  took out all my piercings,  got doped up on the valium,  because I’m claustrophobic and being in that machine for 45 minutes will make me lose my cool.  Bad.  I got my scans,  and got out… then was called in again for more scans… weird,  but I did it.  And like usual, I checked my results online within a few hours.  Because I’m a curious human and I never wait for my Dr to give me my results.  

I was devistated. 

I have degenerative disc disease of the cervical spine,  with at least one 1mm bone spur, and at least one fracture. 

My heart sunk into my stomache,  and tears filled my eyes.  I’m seriously not ok with this.  It was not what I expected,  and not at all what I was thinking at all.  This is not something that can be handled by medications.  It’s not curable.  It’s not operable. Wtf? 

We’ll see what the next step is… but I’m not a happy human.  

I have another appointment next week to check the damage to my nerves and muscles. My bones aren’t doing so good.  My Dr expected to find nothing.  NOTHING.  Instead we found DIGENERATIVE FUCKING DISC DISEASE. 

I’m incredibly upset. I’m falling apart. I’m only 32 and my cervical spine is in wrecks.  It’s inoperable.  It’s treatable with chiropractic care and pain meds.  

I imagine we’ll check the rest of my spine for damage.  An MRI to see the full damage. It’s scary,  and I’m very unhappy. I’ve spent the day in bed sleeping,  and crying.  Then the rest with the Raynors, cooking,  making smoothies and watching movies.  

There’s only so much you can do about bad news.  We had plans tonight, and I wanted to follow through.  I didn’t want to disappoint my kids or theirs. I spent the first half of my day in pain, both physical and emotional,  and the rest laughing and snuggling with beautiful faces.  Playing with children I adore,  and watching Moana. Eating fruit smoothies and popcorn. Celebrating life,  because though my heart is breaking that my body is falling apart, my life is happening right now.  And if I don’t spend it with those I love and care about,  I’ll miss out on it now. 

So,  I’ll give love to those who are important to me.  Because that’s what I need in return. Because I’m in an amazing home.  With amazing humans. And I’m lucky to be here.  To be with this family,  who is willing to not only take me and my girls in, but be my family.  

So I may be falling apart. I may be broken inside and out.  But I’m going to be ok.  Because I have a home.  

I may be broken,  but I’m not alone.  

Wishing Is Useless

Standard

I want my life back. I know that my body is so damaged that it’s just not going to happen,  but I crave my life.  

I miss getting up at 6am, jumping in the shower and singing along to my Pandora stations. I hate that I can’t blow dry and straighten my hair,  throw on some makeup, and some nice clothes. I seriously long for the days I had to wake my girls at 7am, get them dressed and out the door for daycare so I could be to work by 8am for the morning meeting; one I would often run.  

I am a smart woman. I am talented. I am assertive, well spoken, and bright! I stand with confidence! I have been told countless times that I bring a certain spark to the room, and I demand attention. I have written so many emails FOR people, I couldn’t even guess the number. I have trained so many people on how to do their jobs, from making sausage to building computers, and even working websites to rank at the top of Google! I helped build an entire research team for a now insanely successful international marketing firm, of which I was the 15th employee hired… and now I’m homeless. I literally WROTE their training manuals, and I have nothing to show for it.  I put 6 years of my life into Boostability,  and I have zero. Zilch. Nada. NOTHING.  

I fell ill in 2011, and I continued to work my ass off. I billed over half a million for them that year alone.  Just me.  I was the second top sales representative in a brand new company! They sang me happy birthday.  It was sweet. I miss working.  I proved myself over and over at that company.  I knew my career was going to take off! I WAS GOING PLACES!!! 

The sicker I got,  the harder it was on me there.  My boss was amazing,  but the HR representative was awful.  She was constantly threatening to take away my insurance.  For the last 3 years of my employment I was scared every day that I was going to lose my ability to work and my ability to get my medications.  She threatened constantly to drop my hours to part time,  fully aware I was chronically sick with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia, never making me aware of my options for fmla or disability benefits in any way.  

I still miss going in every day and doing my job.  I miss researching! I miss helping the clients! I did the job of 3 people! They had a hard time finding a job title for me because of how much I accomplished. I was an Account Manager,  an Escalations Manager, AND the only Trainer for the entire company for years.  I wrote training manuals for Sales, and Account Management.  They used my material to bring in new partners.  New clients.  New everything! I never got credit.  I never got anything for it.  Hell! They used my photography in BYU magazine and didn’t even give me credit.  Didn’t ask permission.  Nothing.  Just took it and used it.  In fact,  my photography is all over their Google, instagrams, twitter, etc,  and they’ve barely given me credit.  And yet I never spoke poorly of this company. I stood by Boostability and spoke highly of them day in and day out.  Yet,  here I am… a year later with nothing to show.  Broke, homeless,  sick and tired. 

When I was fired from Boostability I had been out sick off and on for months.  I had never been so ill. I was planning on coming back. The HR representative informed me that upon my return I was going to be demoted. Not only was I going to be moved to another location,  I was going to be a part of the research team that I created and trained.  I had been in management for the last 4 out of the 6 years I’d been employed at Boostability.  I was being punished for being disabled.  

The night before my return was scheduled,  I received a strange chat from a friend of my daughter.  She told me that my daughter had taken an entire bottle of pills. We had to rush her to the hospital for attempting suicide. I would spend the next week working with her and the the staff at the hospital and a clinic to help my daughter with her depression, and assist in her recovery. Two days into this process I was fired from Boostability. They said I had run out of personal time. 

I was fired from my job after 6 years. I was struggling with rheumatoid disease, and my daughter’s attempted suicide. 

I had no choice but to go. They packed up my desk for me. It was awful. I cried. I wanted to work. Single mother of 3 daughters, sick,barely able to get out of bed every day, demoted and now fired. 

I filed for unemployment. Boostability fought it. They won! Wtf?

I ended up having to file for TANF, and live off $498 a month.  I was making $18.50 an hour at my job. Working my ass off! Doing everything asked of me! I even created a job position that they layer hired someone else for, and then made me TRAIN the person on how to do it. Had me teach the person they hired for Corporate Trainer on our website, our products, on SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION! Which was our entire platform,  because she had no idea how it worked. It was adding insult to injury. A huge slap to the face. Yet I continued to go to work. I showed up every day I was well enough to do so. 

I still miss it.  I miss getting up, getting dressed, and going to work. I miss logging in, researching, adjusting client accounts, and seeing those numbers climb! I know I’m smart, and I know I deserve better than what I have now.  I know I’m too sick to work,  however I know I didn’t deserve the treatment I got from the company I dedicated myself to,  and got dropped like a ton of bricks after 6 years.  

If only I could do something about it now.  I simply have no idea how to even begin.  I would take back all my words! All my knowledge! All my pictures! Take back everything I put in that they took advantage of, and still have. Are still using, while I’m begging for help on GoFundMe accounts. I feel so betrayed and hurt! But what can I expect from a small business gone corporate? 

When I joined that company,  they were all about their employees! They understood that you took care of the employee first,  and then they would take care of the client! After they started getting bigger and bigger, they atmosphere changed and the employees became less and less important to the higher ups.  We became numbers instead of people. 

I was no longer the talented human, long appreciated for what she provided to the business.  I was an employee number,  based on hours attended, risk factor, and head count. I was no longer even a human at all to HR. 

Which is why I never talk about Boostability anymore.  Not in a positive light. Because though I still have many friends who work there and are doing amazing,  I would not refer or recommend friends or family to begin a career there anymore. It hurts me and pains me to say that they are no longer the business I fell in love with. No longer the company I adored for years! They became just another corporate machine, bringing in employees and spitting them out when life throws them a wrench.  

I am one prime example.  I gave them my amazing qualities, and helped a small business grow immensely! I worked in offices during growing partnerships. I worked with angry customers, and saved them lawsuits, and thousands of dollars every week. I was able to get bad reviews taken down, and good reviews put up! I still have an amazing reputation online for my work done while worth that company! However,  that’s basically all I have to show for it,  as I was thrown out as soon as my illness became serious.  

I hate having such bitter feelings towards a company I loved for so long,  and still miss so much. I don’t know what I would have done had my health stayed intact and I had been able to continue my career.  One thing I cannot stand is businesses treating their employees so poorly after they’ve dedicated themselves so long. Especially when the issue that caused the separation is illness. I always felt that a good company tales care of their long time employees who fall ill. 

I’m not saying that I feel Boostability needs to take care of me now, however I feel that my termination and my removal from the company was so very wrong and executed poorly. The HR representative Johanna had a long time distaste for me,  and it was well known among my peers. She was not known for her kindness,  and absolutely none of the employees were comfortable going to her for any human resource issues.  

Yet,  here I am, wishing I could get up, get dressed and go back to work. Back to my old desk. Bank to my old job. Pick up where I left off and continue my life where it was taken from me. I’m aware that I can barely sit in a big comfy chair during the day without feeling worn out and sick, and working is no longer an option for me; not even part time. I simply wish I had something to show for all those dedicated years. My body is broken, but my mind is still here. I may have moments of fatigue and delayed response, but I’m still the smart, clever, and wonderful human I was back then. 

It would have been nice to have been given something for my long time dedication and commitment,  however.  I’ve spent the last year feeling ripped off, hurt, and like Boostability was unfair in the way they treated me the last year I was there.  

Chronic illness is not something we ask for. It’s not something we choose.  I understand an employer is “at risk” when they have a chronically sick employee.  However when one has dedicated themselves and helped a company grow as much as I did for Boostability,  I feel like you don’t just drop them when things get rough. When life gets hard. When their illness takes ahold and they begin to struggle to get to work. 

I not only had to find the laws,  but I had to fight with my HR representative about getting disability rights while working. I had to put myself through emotional hell just to hold onto my job for the last year I had it! I was afraid every time I missed work that my HR rep was going to find a flaw in what I’d done, or some loop hole and take my insurance away. The only way to pay for my medication, which was the only thing keeping me going to work. 

I went through multiple cancer scares. A few MS scares.  Multiple surgeries. So many hospital visits,  I can’t even count! More medications than I can even recall!! So many allergic reactions! I’ve vomited more at work than I’d like to even think about! The amount of blood loss alone in the bathrooms is unspeakable.  

I would be losing blood from 4 different places, and still be at work. STILL running training classes. Still making calls. Still helping account managers with problems. Still getting my job done. Still getting threats to lose my insurance. It was ridiculous. Yet I was still boasting about how awesome my job was! Talking up my coworkers and everything else! I just needed to keep going! Make myself valuable, and ignore the nonsense. Be strong! 

I didn’t start this blog with intention to say all these things about my old employer,  however as I talked more and more about missing working, it all started to come out. The emotional hardships of dealing with the constant threat of losing my job, and then having it finally happen. All because my body was riddled with chronic illnesses. With genetically inherited diseases I had no control over. I was trying to gain control over, however with the constant threat of losing my job (btw, my direct boss was amazing and was part of the reason it took so long for me to lose my job) and insurance it only made things worse.  

I’ll never understand why companies treat the ill so very poorly, especially after years of dedication and hard work. After so much money and time put into the business, and success brought in by said employee. There are always exceptions to rules, and companies can choose to do so for the sick. I simply think that the HR department chose not to do so for me due to a personal vendetta, and cruelty towards me. 

So, here I sit, 14 months after being terminated, wishing I a wasn’t sick. Wishing I was taken of better by a company I dedicated myself to for 6 years! Wishing I hadn’t spent a year hating my life due to a horrible woman constantly berating and harassing me about my illnesses and life. Wishing I doesn’t have to wish for all these things. 

I need to stop wishing. Wishing is so useless…

Bruised But Not Defeated

Standard

Yesterday was the first time I’ve actually fully examined my body since the incident with Aaron. I have looked at my inner thighs,  and a bit at my pelvis bone before,  but was too upset to examine myself fully. 

I’ve been trying to deal with my stress and pain in so many different ways. I sing to myself in the car.  I sleep. I talk to people.  I always go to my therapist.  I have been venting via blogging. I have been distracting myself by not thinking about it.  Since posting my blog about the incident and finding out about the truth about Jeremiah and everything that went on with him,  I’ve been trying not to think about any of it.  When I do,  I get very angry,  hurt,  and I break out in tears.  So I’ve been working on coping with it by doing positive things instead.  Spending time with the people and children in my life who make me smile,  and make me happy.  I really do have a lot of positive influences and people all around me. 

Since doing so,  my body has decided to cope in its own way.  First by reacting to the small amount of metal on my bra.  I broke out in hives all around the tiny metal clasps that adjust the straps on my back. It’s a sportswear bra,  so that’s the only metal on the entire thing,  and I’ve owned the bra for months! Never had an issue.  Suddenly I’m covered on my entire back,  and down my arms in tiny little bumps. Itchy,  painful, irritated little hives.  I wrapped the metal clasps in bandaids until I could get access to another comfortable bra.  What a very obnoxious reaction.  

Next my body started rejecting everything I ate, and decided to swell around my abdominal muscles. Doesn’t matter what I eat.  Fruit? Don’t digest it,  simply push it through and out the other end in 20 minutes or less! Goodbye! Potato? Egg? Everything! Meat,  veggies, popcorn, you name it! Out it goes! Sound painful? It is.  It’s very painful. I am not a happy camper. My body is very swollen, top half covered in hives,  and expelling all consumed foods. As you’ve likely guessed by now,  I’m pretty weak.  But I’m pushing through! 

Since I’m so itchy,  I decided I needed to start taking epsom salt baths again,  and headed to the store to purchase some.  While there,  I broke out in hives on my butt. Lovely.  Then my legs.  And my belly! So now my entire body, minus my head,  was covered in hives.  But these gives on my lower body were unprovoked by metals,  and were hice blisters. Big round bumps,  and not hive rashes.  By the end of the night,  they were also on my head.  In my hair.  Seriously! All over my body.  I’m a emotionally manifested hive covered crazy person.  That’s exactly how I feel.  

Cut to me actually getting into the bath, and treating my body with the epsom salts. Such a relief! However,  now here I am,  soaking in a hot bath,  unable to hide from my naked and bruised body.  In a shower I am upright,  and can avoid myself very easily.  I don’t look,  I can just skim over my body and avoid looking at it if I don’t want to, just washing and scrubbing,  basically avoiding looking at the details of my bruised and fragile parts; wounded and left with memories of what’s been done to me. Things I was not awake for, but left proof upon my skin. 
I finally layed in the tub, and looked at my thighs. Bruises left by fingers, and hands holding my heavy body when he wanted it, usually lifted by me, my muscles used so no marks are left. He didn’t think that through,  did he? That even just grabbing me and moving my leg would leave marks upon my milk white skin for weeks to come? 

My pelvis bruised black and blue. A wound he caused upon my labia. Things he was never informed,  because he need not know the damage he caused to my body. He must have caught my labia and not noticed, though had I been awake I’d have told him.  Perhaps that’s part of the pain that woke me. I will never understand how men can take women without consent.  

Looking over these bruises, turning yellow and so ugly now, so many wounds and marks left upon my flesh by someone who was supposed to care for me. Someone who had just asked me to move in with him, and had promised to love and protect me.  Someone who was going to be around my daughters. Someone who violated me in the weakest state he’d ever seen me. 

It broke my heart all over again. 

Sitting alone in the bath, soft music playing in the background, I began to cry. Before I realized it I was curled up in a ball, sobbing into my knees. The pain inside my tender body parts was nothing compared to the pain inside my soul. The betrayal and awfulness is indescribable, and I am trying my hardest to gather the strength to press charges against a lover turned rapist. 

He has broken me down to something and someone I don’t want to be. Between him and Jeremiah I feel like a weak and pathetic little girl. Someone that even the me I was just months ago would scoff at. I know I have the strength inside me somewhere to do this, however I need to regain my physical health and power in order to gain the emotional and mental power to follow through.  
I’m so afraid. I’m so hurt. I’m so sorry to myself for letting me down. For letting them in my heart, my head, and my bed. 

I am working in regaining my personal power. I’m getting it back. I’m bruised and broken for now, but I’m not defeated. I will get back up, and I will fight. I am fighting! I am just licking my wounds and letting myself heal before I head into another battle.