I Really Just Want To Be Alone… Rant…

It’s funny how little things can bring up some big emotions. Here I sit, almost 2am, watching the final season of “How I Met Your Mother” that I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch yet because it was “our show”. I haven’t watched “Breaking Bad”, and even watching “The Walking Dead” is difficult. My head hurts, my body hurts, and my heart hurts. For no other reason than remembering everything I lost. I am not just referring to the relationship that messed me up mentally more than any other relationship I have had, but everything that I felt I lost at the same time. My life, my youth. My everything. Being diagnosed with any autoimmune disease is hard. Beyond hard.

The past few days I have felt really alone. I honestly WANT to be alone, simply because it seems the people around me just aren’t there. They are somewhere else, and that is ok. I have been ignored, yelled at, pestered, questioned, and exhausted the last few weeks. I have been in the hospital, in and out of the Dr office, and pumped full of drugs. I have curled up in pain due to what we later found out was an obstruction. I have missed so much work, I am about to lose all my benefits… which is what pays for my medications. My radiator had to be replaced. Then a fuse blew. And my life at work has gotten hostile due to my absence. I am aware that others think I get special treatment and should have been fired already. I can hear them talk, and see the looks. I just ignore them because they have no idea who I am, and they have no bearing on any decision.

After a terrible few weeks, three of my sisters decided to throw me a “girly night”. When they arrived with snacks, pedicure items, nail polish, and so many other pampering items, I was so surprised! bigstock-Group-women-with-facial-mask--36733561 I can no longer drink, which has been our favorite sister past time for YEARS, so they decided to do the traditional girls night theme. Though, they did bring beer for themselves. They also brought Cujo. My sister Blondie’s (not her real name) awesome rottweiler, who scares the living bejeesus out of my rabbit. Cujo just turned 10, and has no interest in my terrified little buddy, however she was not happy with this situation and spent the entire time in her burrow in her habitat. It was such a loving and happy gesture, and was SO much fun that we decided to commit ourselves to it every month or two. I was so pleased with my overdone nails, silly toenail polish and awesome face mask thingy they bought me… until… I got a message from one of my other sisters.

My mom had three girls. The oldest who we shall call “Hippy”, one we shall call “Tinky” and myself. Hippy and Tinky both tend to feel like the odd man out. The “black sheep” of the family. Them, along with a few other siblings, tend to feel left out of family functions and often forgot about. tumblr_n5e597uyTa1rfm88zo1_250 With 19 kids in my family, I can imagine there are plenty of family occurrences that I am not only not invited to, but will never know about. Such is life. I don’t take it personally, as I know my family loves me. That being said.. Hippy apparently does not feel the same.

I have spent the last two days dealing with drama between Hippy and my sister we shall call “Retro” (She looks so good in retro styled outfits and hair). Retro and Hippy had a falling out a few years ago over their personal lives clashing together in a way that turning into a car wrecking, plane crashing, train wrecking mess! It was nasty. And I tried to stay out of it because I know how both of them are. Hippy is very set in her ways, though she thinks she is very enlightened and open minded. She really is not. I know she means well, so I tend to just ignore what she says to me, though half of it is actually really mildly insulting. She doesn’t mean harm, and truly thinks she is helping. I get this. Retro does not, and takes the insults as insults. Which I completely understand as well. Retro, on the other hand, can be downright mean (much like myself) and really go at it when she is angered. Long story as short as I can make it… they have not made up, and I honestly don’t think they ever will.

Hippy has taken this loving gesture by three of my awesome sisters and turned it into some kind of rejection of her as a sister. She took a great night that I enjoyed so much, spending time with my family, and made it about her. I have missed being able to do anything because of my health so much! My sisters that came, Blondie, Retro, and Beatles (We used to sing Beatles songs at a goth club on karaoke night) took the time and effort to do this for me. However Hippy has been harassing me for two days now, venting about her falling out with Retro. I have been trying my hardest to be as supportive as I can, but I am drained. I just want to tell her to leave me alone and let me be, because her emotional issues with the family is not my problem, but I can’t. redhead-blonde-brunette-300x225 I love all of my siblings, and I can’t just push them away when they are hurting. But I am hurting as well, and I am so frustrated that a kind thing 1/3 of my sisters did for me turned into an ordeal about Hippy. I can’t understand why she would do that. Why she can’t allow me to actually be friends with my other sisters as well without feeling as though she is being thwarted. We are all adults.. I don’t get it.

So, here I am at 2am. Alone, watching a TV show that is bringing up old feelings of being lost, and losing love. Recovering from my Monday routine of physical therapy and work.. dealing with my life as it is, and feeling so anxious over others problems. I haven’t felt this alone in awhile. It’s odd because I want to be alone at the same time. Alone because I can’t stand to hear about other people’s problems that I can’t fix. Alone because I am tired of feeling like I have to constantly defend myself. Alone because I am tired of life as it stands right now.

I don’t like being lonely… but I like being alone. I like being alone because of all of the above! Because I am not missing him, but missing a life before I was like I am now. A life where I could move around. Go hiking if I wanted to. To be free to run, and jump around. To be healthy enough to drink, dammit! A am not mourning him.. I am mourning me. Over time I have realized that what I thought was lingering love is actually not love at all. It is the feelings I harbor about my life. He just happened to be there when my life started to fall apart. When my health went downhill. When I found out that I had the same illness as my grandmother, but diagnosed 30 years before she was, he was there. Only he wasn’t. He had been long gone far before that camping trip. In all honesty, he never was there. I was alone in that battle, and I was trying to convince myself that I would find the solution. That I had him. That I wasn’t alone at all, when in all reality I was. I have been so afraid of being alone since. Alone in my illness. Alone in my pain. Alone in all that I do.

download There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Tonight I am enjoying being alone.. but I am lonely. I do not want anyone to fill this void of loneliness. I want to feel the loneliness. I want to accept it. Because if I can’t get rid of this anxiety welling inside me, anxiety that is keeping me up far too late… I won’t ever be ok.

So, here I sit, now 2:11am. Trying to throw off all the bullshit I endured the last two days. How I want to be alone, and possibly stay alone. I am reminded of how selfish and hurtful other human can be, simply because others were kind in a way that they didn’t see fit. How one can attach feelings in all the wrong places. How I just want to be alone.

I really just want to be alone.

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Giving Up For Today…

Today my anxiety is through the roof. I’m both physically and emotionally in pain. My heart aches, and my head aches. I’m so stuffed up I can barely breath, and I can’t keep from crying.

sleeping positions in periodsMy life is in shambles, and I have no idea how to put it back together. I’ve never felt so helpless, and I don’t know how to handle this feeling. I think I’ll give myself today to let it all out, and see if I can think straight tomorrow. I’ve given up on my relationship with “Rain”, and I’ve given up on today. I am not sure what else I’ll give up on, but right now I want to give up all together.

I really dislike how diagnostics, chronic pain, and chronic illness make you so emotional. I wish I had more control, but I don’t.

No More Him…

I have just done something that used to provoke anxiety in me, but has now made me feel free and as though a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I deleted every text, email, etc that I had from Dead Horse (Jeff) in my email. They are ALL gone. I have removed all his emails, phone numbers, etc from all of my contacts and eliminated all social networking connections we had.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it is. I have removed the words that he wrote to me from my life completely. Every “I love you”, “Fuck you”, and any other emotion I was holding onto… are gone. Every. Single. One. I did a search in my system, and every email or text that even mentioned his name is also gone. And here is why.

I have been thinking less and less about the Dead Horse, which is such a relief. There are times I realized I haven’t even though about him in over a week. I haven’t had him be the star of one of my dreams for quite some time. Until last night. It was SUCH an unpleasant dream, and I woke feeling isolated, shunned, exposed, and hurt. frustrated-business-woman-stuck-box-isolated-7145177 I went through many emotions during my vivid night time expression of emotion. I was shoved in a box, thrown out of a car, hugged, pushed, shamed, and at one point I was sobbing naked in front of his whole family. I choked out reasons behind my failure to be what he wanted, expressing my own personal hatred for my illness, and begging them not to judge me while Dead Horse took off with his new gf. I cried and cried about my illness. I apologized for not being able to keep up. They all told me that he was better off with someone “normal”. That I was “bad for him” because of how much time and energy I was and would suck out of his life. That he deserved better than someone of my “caliber”. Someone who can be active, doesn’t have the emotional and physical limitations I have, and doesn’t come from my same family history. At one point they were shoving me inside a small car while I asked for at least my clothes back, but they all insisted I just leave. Bare chest and all.

I could feel the pain that he had caused me during and after our relationship. I felt the burn inside me that only he had ever caused me to feel, as well as the ache and loss that I felt every time he told me he didn’t want what he “knew” I wanted. Every time he walked out the door because he thought we might “fight” that night. The nights I spent alone crying in my bed while he was home watching basketball and getting drunk instead of helping me through such a difficult time that is chronic illness diagnostics. Of course, I was feeling run down, emotional, and not “physical” at all, so why would he spend time with me when I was being such a downer, right? All of these feelings rushed through me while I fought myself to wake up. I knew I was dreaming, and all I wanted was to let go of all these emotions that obviously still linger inside me. I had to, and have to let it go!

When I woke up I was nearly in tears. I was flat on my back, and I could hear my girls playing and fighting downstairs. I stared at the ceiling trying to fight off the useless emotions that were flowing through me. My WHOLE body ached, and I couldn’t help but have quick thoughts of how it might be better to be a vegetable than what I am right now. stock-footage-portrait-of-sad-and-unhappy-woman-crying-laying-in-bed-in-bedroom-pensive-girl-uhd-ultra-hd-k Maybe numb from the neck down… but that honestly sounds more miserable than what I am going through right now. I would hate to not be able to slap a bitch. lol – Reaching over for my phone, the lights were blinking like crazy. I had so many texts, notifications, snapchats, etc. Hmmm… I will check them all later, I only cared about the ones from Rain. “Yeah.. I thought about you quite a bit.” and “Mmmm… another whole day?!?” – Rain had gone out with some friends the night before, and I had sent him some enticing texts. We have a date tomorrow night, and I am glad to see that he is still just as eager as I am. This started to pull me out of the hurt I was still experiencing from my dream. The sound of my children downstairs, numerous texts and social interactions waiting to occur, and the texts from Rain reminded me that I am still a person. I am still me, though I felt shoved around and pushed away due to my needs, especially in my dream. Jeff… all I felt was hurt, betrayal, and cruelty. The pain when he cheated on me. The hurt when I found out about his numerous lies. The rejection and betrayal when he replaced me within 14 days of our 2 year relationship ending. I pictured myself standing bare and exposed in front of everyone just pleading for them to see ME! To see that I was trying to be what he needed, and even what I needed, but falling short due to things outside of my control. THIS is what hurt the most. Being so exposed, and so rejected.

All day today I have been feeling off. I have been feeling low, and the aches throbbing through me are not helping. Since I sprained my ankle on Sunday, I used crutches for a few days. Apparently these crutches caused some deep bruising and issues in my arm pits, and I have since developed both pain and a few small cysts. pain-woman1 Even my clothing rubbing against the tender tissue sends shooting pains through me. What would he have thought of my arm pit pain? Would it be just another inconvenience? Another reason to roll his eyes and go home? Would he once again tell me that it is in my head, and I should have a better attitude? That I would probably be better if I just wasn’t so negative! – I cringe at the thought. I thought about all the feelings and pain I kept to myself just so I didn’t push too much emotion on his shoulders. I wanted him with me, I wanted to SEE him, so I knew I had to keep certain things in. I had to watch certain shows. Drink certain drinks. Even discuss certain topics. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I push myself around so much for someone who was mistreating me behind the scenes? Who was reading each and every text that I ever sent. Every email that I both sent and received. He hacked into my facebook, my work email, my personal email, etc. He hated friends and family for what I thought was no reason, but later found was misguided opinions of texts and other interactions I had with them. I pushed a handful of people out of my life for him because they made him uncomfortable. Of course that stemmed from chats from long time friends telling me I was lovely, and a good catch, etc.

About an hour ago I logged into my email to see if my sister had sent over some pictures she wants me to upload, and I noticed his name on the left side of my screen. article-1175013-0499B8A7000005DC-375_468x325 Why on earth do I still have him in my chat list? I right clicked, and removed. Then it hit me… I still had almost EVERY interaction we had ever had in my emails. Work chats with him, home chats with him, emails, texts, photos, etc. Why? Why did I still have these? WHAT is the purpose? Doing a search for his name, I started deleting. Pulling things with every keyword I could possibly think of that would bring up something from/to him. DELETE. Over and over and over again! I found THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of internet interaction and removed them. I then went and extra removed them by deleting them from my trash. I searched and searched until I could not find one thing left. It felt amazing. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I finally realized that I had no choice to go and read his words. His loving words, casual words, and most of all his hateful words. The manipulative way he would talk down on himself for sympathy. For me to come to the rescue and show him that he was wanted. The strange things he would bring up for no reason, and the odd fights they would start. As if he wanted to spend time away from me just to be away. NO MORE. No more him. No more us. No more. No more Jeff Hebert.

No more… Jeff… no more dead horse. His words are gone, and I couldn’t feel better about it. I never knew deleting digital communication would feel so freeing.

I got this…

Clumsiness. Such a bad thing when it comes to people who are easily injured. I happen to be entirely clumsy, and often end up stepping on things, dropping things, and best of all… falling down. On Sunday while I was out to breakfast with Rain and my girls, I had a fight with a rock. No.. not a rock. A pebble. I am ashamed to say that I literally stepped on a small pebble, which took my down to my knees and caused a small tear in my left ankle ligament. How brilliant am I? It was not only painful, but so very embarrassing for me for Rain to have to come and help me up. I writhed in pain, and held back tears (which come on, I am SO used to pain I could hold back tears for days!) while we headed back to my house.

46-woman-wrapping-sprained-ankle-lgn-91242505 Rain had come over the night before, and we had a lovely evening. He came over a bit early so we could prevent as much “curiosity” peeking from the girls by him meeting them and hanging around for a bit. They adore him. This both makes me nervous, but is also comforting at the same time. I have had many friends, both male and female, who have come and spent quite a bit of time and then faded out. People come and go out of your lives, and though I have been so protective over my lovelies hearts, I feel at this point it is better for them to see that engaging with the opposite sex is not just for boyfriend/girlfriend situations. Rain and I have known each other for almost a month, so we are not even fully acquainted yet… though… we did get “acquainted” with each other that night. Quite acquainted. And it was fantastic.

During the drive home, Rain rolled down the windows to let some fresh air in because, though I was holding back tears, I was not doing such a good job at not breathing fast and heavy. The cool air felt great on my fingertips, and distracted me from my ankle. That was.. until he rolled them up. Without me noticing. Until it was too late! I was able to pull my hand in without scathing, except my poor little pinky finger. So here I am, ankle swelling and throbbing in pain, and now my pinky is bleeding. What a lovely end to a lovely date. The look on Rain’s face was nothing short of magical guilt. He insisted that he cancel all his plans and take care of the poor sick girl. I was quite tempted to just send him on his way, take care of myself, and wallow in self pity. While he was getting an icepack, getting my ankle propped up, and ensuring I was comfortable I considered the reasons to say no. Pride. That was it. Pride would prevent me from allowing him to take care of me. Guilt. The guilt of needing someone to take care of me, and being so very fragile at this point that it can be almost a requirement. I wanted to just sit on my couch and cry. I always feel so vulnerable and weak when these things happen to me. 200167732-002 I have always been a bit clumsy, and this is probably the 3rd time I have torn those same ligaments since I was a teenager, but I could take care of myself back then. I did not need someone to help me, because I could hop on one foot all I needed. Crutches didn’t ache in my armpits, and cause my hands to swell. My hips didn’t throb, and my whole body didn’t flare up. I knew I was going to end up fully exhausted, miserable, and in pain for the next few days simply because I was hurt. Why shouldn’t I let a caring, affectionate, worried man take care of me? No realistic reason. I reluctantly agreed, and hoped that it didn’t end up scaring him away. Chronic illness is serious, and having things shoved in your face can frighten anyone. Especially someone I barely know.

He took care of me. He kissed my face, played with my hair, and snuggled me. He listened to my body when it negatively reacted, and also when it positively reacted. He kept me safe from my over excited, crazy little minions; ensuring that they stayed away from my leg while I napped, but also teasing me about my law mower snore. RUDE! I didn’t know I snored so bad, but I am sure that it was the swelling of my insides in general from the injuries, not to mention the allergies of spring. He stayed for over 6 hours, doting to my every need and taking SUCH great care of me. When he left I was sad, but so pleased that he had been so good to me. He took an awful thing and turned my day back around. I am fond of Rain.

This week has also been rough. My body has been flaring due to the accident, and I have been so stressed. I had updates left and right with clients. Escalations all over the place, not to mention taking care of my own random client upsets. I was half awake, my mind has been working in slow motion, and my body was fighting itself off. By Tuesday afternoon I was so worn out that I accidentally double dosed myself on my mood stabilizer instead of my gabapentin. woman-medication-worried-200x300 In my defense, the bottles look almost identical and I was on the phone with a client. I was distracted, and I hurt myself. I only noticed about 10 minutes later when I went to reach for my inhaler and realized that my limictal bottle was at the top of my purse and not the gabapentin. Faaaaantastic. I quickly Googled the effects of what would happen at the dosage I had taken, and saw that I could quickly lose control of my cognitive function, as well as my hand eye coordination. I banged my head on my desk and considered my options. It was about 3:55pm, and I get off at 5. By that time I could have lost all control over my basic functions, and will likely not be able to drive, let alone walk. I kicked myself mentally over and over again for about 5 minutes, and then I left work. I informed my babysitter I was coming, and to have my girls ready. Let my boss know I had drugged myself, and would put myself in danger if I did not leave for home. I felt like such an idiot, but it was what it was, and I just need to remember that I rarely do that. I think this is only the 3rd time in 3 years. Not too bad of a track record, right?

Tuesday was my Rheumatologist appointment, and I was so scared! I was worried about the pain it would put me through, and the results he would find. I want him to find and help with every bit of me that is wrong, but I also don’t want to find something that is not fixable. I was also terrified that he would tell me I was crazy, and send me on my way. This did not happen at all, which was a huge relief. I would like to write a post that goes through my first appointment all on it’s own, so I am going to skip including it in this post. Let’s just say it was painful, but it also went well.

Today is Friday, and tonight I am spending the evening with my lovely Kindred Spirit, and her babies. I am so excited, I can barely contain it. She recently had a beautiful baby girl (about 3 months ago), and has two others. We have known my KS for about 6 years, and she is such a wonderful addition to my life. I wish I saw her more, but we are both full time working moms, I have my illness, and she has her new baby. We were pregnant together when I had my last minion, and our babies have been friends their whole lives. They hear each others names and go bizerk! She is coming with her lovely family, and a bottle of wine. We are all going to snuggle in front of the TV for my weekly ritual (over 4 years now) of movie night Friday and watch Frozen. The kids will pile up on each other on the blanket, my teenager will coo over baby P, while KS and I catch up and laugh the same way we always do. Sunday is Easter, and I get to spend the morning and afternoon with my babies, and then have a date with Rain while my kids go to their grandma’s. I am hoping this week brings nothing but happiness, and I am able to rest my poor body. I have many joyous things in my life right now. Many things to love and smile over. It was just a tough week… but I am a tough girl.

I got this.

What Kind of Life is That?

Friendships are something that can make or break your day. Good friendships are hard to find, and REAL friendships are harder. Friendships with people who don’t hurt you, whether intentional or not, are almost impossible to find. I find myself questioning my friendship with those around me who have no understanding of where I come from. I was born and raised in a polygamist family, and I Have to admit that most rumors about polygamy are true. I have yet to want to get into the details, but I did not have the best childhood. I have large gaps in my memory, which I can only assume exist due to my brain deciding that it is best if I forget. Sure thing, brain! No argument there. Suppress away! 6a00d834520b4b69e201156e49b4b4970c I have entered into 5 relationships, 4 of which were terrible and abusive on one level or another. The 5th I am still trying to figure out how to recover from, and what to sort out. I am really good at getting myself into crappy situations, but on that note, I am also good at recognizing they are bad and getting out of them. It may take me a few years, but I got this! I have decided to look back at my failures and accomplishments as a slew of events that were to get me where I am now. Regrets? Of course. Trying to let go of those regrets? Absolutely.

Recently I have been examining my choice of friendships. There are some that have been around from the time I was child, a teenager, a young adult, and ones that are still fresh. I have found that my recently developed friendships are likely not as solid or “untainted” as I had thought. Someone I have trusted with secrets, pain, joy, etc has recently betrayed me, and I really have no urge to forgive them. Not that I am angry with them per say, however the idea that a person presents who they are as a friend to my face as one thing, and behind my back as another does little for my happiness and trust. If words against me are being used without my knowledge, words that I shared in confidence, I truly have no want to share such private things with them again. My past, present, and future personal privacy is not something I want broken. I am quite the open book, so when I choose to share something with you that I don’t share with others, you should probably keep that information in confidence.

I have so many things going on in my life right now, and adding distrust is not one that I would prefer to have. I am sure nobody does, but with all of the ailments (both medical and emotional) that I have I seem to feel an extra sting at the knowledge that bad words have been said about me. I do not consider myself a bad person, and though I have done many things wrong (and even cruel – I am only human) I am the first to admit my fault and pursue correction. healthy_gossip I do not break the trust of others. I do not use what they told me against them behind their back, however pretend that I am innocent. I do not feign friendship. So when this is done to me, I can’t help but step back and once again wonder what it is about me that made me so trusting of this one particular person. I have been fooled so many times by the charismatic and “seemingly” honest person, only to find they are cruel and truly the most dishonest of sorts. I guess it can play into the fact that I don’t understand this thought process. I will, however say, that I have chosen to keep my current feelings at bay and simply stop sharing the things that I would not share with the average person. I know that addressing this behavior will do nothing but harm, and it is not my place to try to change anyone. I will accept how they are, and move on. I accept that they will likely fade out of my life one day, and it won’t make much of a difference. I also accept that they may completely turn on me one day, so the less ammo I give them, the better. I can’t avoid them in my day to day life, so I will avoid the subject instead.

On an ending note, with all of the occurrences lately I find myself becoming more and more depressed. I am not one who likes to admit failure or defeat, so I tend to let things pile up so much that they start to weigh me down and I have a harder time recovering. This is such the case now. I am sad. I am incredibly unhappy, though there are things that still bring joy to my life. It is not joyless, I simply feel worn out, overwhelmed, and sad. My illnesses, the lack of support I see around me more and more, and the burdens I carry as a working single mother. I am not a ‘pity whore’, but my life is incredibly hard. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it is not showing any signs of improvement. The ailments that bring me woe ARE my life. It is what my life consists of every day. They say that happiness is not a situation, it is an attitude.. but I find it increasingly hard to find self motivation and keep a happy outlook when things are so exhausting. When life it so exhausting. When what I deal with on a daily basis would be incredibly hard for a healthy person of my age, let alone someone with my illnesses. When I realize that those around me I thought believed and supported me.. doubt and belittle me behind my back.

What kind of life is that?

The Enemy of All Things Good…

Anxiety. This is the enemy of all things good. Feeling anxious about anything can lead to a domino effect of anxiety beyond control! Today my anxiety is high. I have been so sick recently, and I have been trying to ignore it. I wonder if it is all in my head like some people are trying to convince me it is. Does my mind create this pain because I think it is there, or does my brain create it on it’s own and I am just responding? I can’t tell what is causing this flare, or what it is really effecting. I want to sleep for days, but I am in too much pain to wind down. If I take pain meds, my body is still buzzing from the nerves, and I can’t relax. I must move. Adjust. Change position and get comfortable. My hands hurt. Feet. Now it’s my knees. My elbows. New nodules in my hand. Only things that I notice, and people don’t see any difference. These are not my hands. These are not my feet. This is not how my body looks. This is a completely foreign place I live, and it continues to change without warning.

Due to the feelings I have been having, and the flare that seems to just be spreading through my entire form, I finally made an appointment with a Rheumatologist. 42-23789836_rf-d-ar2 (1) I am both hopeful, but anxious as hell. What if he doesn’t believe me? What if he tells me the same thing I have been told all along and he can’t help me? I am so afraid of what will happen. Recently I went back to my gyno due to severe cramps and other menstrual issues. Ultrasound. Blood work. Anxiety. What did we find? Small cysts on both ovaries, and a slightly thicker endometrium than normal. ALMOST endometriosis. Nothing they can do for now except put me on small bursts of birth control and hope it helps. I have issues with birth control. I have EVERY side effect, and even went into early menopause because of one. My hair started falling out at age 27. I was not happy. I am NOT doing that again. So what can we do at this time? Nothing.

On top of all this stress, my children are ALL going through new phases. My 7 year old has become a klepto. My 13 year old is teenage drama up the WAZOO! My 4 year old is going through a hitting and kicking phase. That kid can kick some ASS. None of any of this is good. This results in extra work from my already exhausted body and mind. I am all alone, with nobody to help me teach babies what they should and should not do. I am doing the best I can, but the results are slower. All the while I am getting meetings with the junior high. Returning items and making the child apologize. Reports from the babysitter on the violent actions of my giant toddler. In short, it is rough.

two-girls-whisperingThere has been whispers going on all around me. Whispers about my illness, how I handle my kids, my life, my SEX life. I made the mistake of sleeping with a coworker a few weeks ago. (Sorry, this man is sexy as fack) He made the mistake of telling the biggest mouth in the office, who then went to my friend and informed her he knew. The chatter isn’t bad, but I hate it. To have people look me straight in the eye and then turn around and talk about what I do and do not do in my spare time is beyond annoying. I kinda wanna punch the world in the face right now. Then cry. And hide. Be alone, but somehow snuggled at the same time. Do they make adult sized swaddle blankets soaked in men’s cologne. Instead of a heartbeat, just a soothing voice saying, “It’s ok! You can do this. Shhhhhh… don’t worry. This too shall pass. You are loved.”

No. So, anxiety is high today. My hope is low. I want to go home, yet I have 4 more hours here and then the chaos that is my family. Love. Nothing but love for them.. but what about love for me? When is it my turn?

Nobody Deserves This…

I honestly have no idea where to start on this post. I have been sitting in front of my laptop for ten minutes now just staring at my screen. My whole body aches, I have no voice, my lungs are killing me, and I just threw up.. again.. due to having multiple bugs floating around my office. Heating pad on my right knee (always), and warm fuzzy socks on my aching feet. I just keep thinking how unfair my life is. How unfair it is that I have to do this alone, and be a person I barely have enough strength to be. I feel like I have been strong for so long, there are expectations set in place that I am having a hard time living up to some days. I have been called “Super Mom” so many times, but I just don’t feel like I am as super as I can be. I know I can be more patient, but on days like today where I can barely function, it is just so hard to have patience with anyone. I feel so bad knowing my kids could have a better me, but I can’t muster up the strength to be that mom.

Today at work Jackhole freaked out on me again, and was extra rude.. again. Last Thursday I was almost positive he was going to get fired, as he had freaked out SCREAMING at a client and then at the consultant who had sold said client. It was an outburst that was BEYOND inappropriate, and he just got a slap on the wrist for it. Whatever. Man-Yelling But today he was extra Jackholish to me over something so very simple, it made no sense to argue. He was loud, and cocky. Talked down to me in front of both of our teams, and even went storming off to my boss. Imagine Dwight from The Office, only a real life version of him, and not funny at all. That is what it reminds me of. (I have jokingly started calling my boss “Michael”, to which he just rolls his eyes.) We had to sit down and have a meeting over this silly little battle, of which his argument had neither rhyme nor reason. My boss obviously agreed with me, (Not because we get along, but because I was right. He is the first to tell me when I am being silly.) and Jackhole went about his personal stomping ways, while I went off to train his wife (YES! Jackhole’s wife) on how to do proper website audits so she can join my audit team. I really like Jackhole’s wife, and I am very careful to never say anything negative about him to her, nor talk down about him to anyone who could be negatively affected by it in an unprofessional manner. He, on the other hand, does not give me the same respect and often likes to tell co-workers about how incompetent I am, and I have had ENOUGH.

This man gets away with mistreating others left and right, and with no remorse. Nobody has filed any official complaints, though many MANY people vent their frustrations of his ill treatment, and even do so to our boss. They have chosen to just take it with a grain of salt, and try to ignore him. I know I have had to be talked down about filing multiple complaints before, and only because my boss was trying to work with him to be more pleasant to work with. Each time he did, it would be ok for a day or two, and then it would go back to how it was. I do not need to be watched while I hobble off to the bathroom. yelling He does not need to get up from his desk and wander around pretending to get a drink or something else before he locates me. This man has his nose stuck so far up my ass, I swear he can tell I have intestinal issues before I do. Hell, maybe he is the cause of them. I just hate having to text the front desk to let them know I am sick in the bathroom again in case Jackhole goes wandering around and tattles to my boss that I have been up from my desk for 20 minutes during Zone time. DUDE! You tell me that if you are bleeding from your colon that you would sit for the next hour waiting for Zone time to end. That stuff is not fun, and I cannot time my illness! Just as my boss said, he doesn’t care how many times I have to run to the bathroom, as long as I am there and getting my work done, he is happy. But having this jerk lean back and listen to every.. little.. conversation I have. Every little word I speak. EVERY COMMENT I MAKE… I just can’t handle it anymore. He has caused my work area to be a hostile environment, and I no longer care about the repercussions, I am going to HR and filing a complaint.

Now, this is the same man that harasses half of the office, it is not just me. He is cruel, and menacing for no reason. He has ZERO tact when it comes to working with others in the office, and not one sales rep wants their clients to go to him. They BEG for their clients to go to others, so despite the fact that I have training, and website audits, I have been taking more and more clients. He is also not getting new clients right now due to his outburst on one last week. Come on, dude.. you hang up on a client long before you scream at them. That is just NOT good business practice right there. I am too sick, too tired, and too good at what I do to be treated this way. The other people in the office do not deserve it one bit either. I really hope this doesn’t blow up in my face, but I am going to have to file this complaint. I need something to change, and soon. Otherwise, I am going to have to accept a role in another department, or somewhere else where I won’t have to deal with this kind of treatment. Nobody deserves this… Nobody deserves what I have. Nobody deserves how he treats me. The difference is that one is an autoimmune disease, and one is an asshole.

Forgot to Publish

This is a post I started last night, but never posted because I was in so much pain, I had to put the laptop down and curl up.

This post is going to be short. I am in pain. All day my body has been in pain. My ribs, my intestines, my knee, my foot. It hurts all over, and I can’t seem to get it under control. I have popped a few pain meds, taken my anti spasm medication, and rested. I am almost 100% convinced that I was glutened. My kids have been getting sloppy again, and started leaving yucky crumbs and foods all over my house. I can’t help but think that I consumed at least a little bit of gluten and caused a flare up. Of course, there is no way that I can miss work tomorrow, or at all any time soon. I need to work at least 40 hours a week in order to make the cut for my insurance, and I will lose it if I start to “slack” off. two-part mono cutout for pix daily tues I also have two trainees that start tomorrow, so missing work isn’t an option at all.

The more I get to know about fibro, the more questions I have. Is this fibro for sure? Is the RA and celiac from the fibro, or the other way around? People with fibro often get different forms or arthritis, and also have a hard time processing gluten. I am never sure what is and is not going on inside my body. All I know is that I am in pain. I know it hurts to be touched at all sometimes, and this sucks beyond explanation. At least a few times a week I am uncomfortable ALL day. The clothing on my body will twist and pull, and sometimes feels like it is trying to rip into my body. My head hurts daily. My arms, elbows, knees. There is never FULL relief. I have been in better control of my emotions, and yesterday was spent laughing the entire day with my girls. I felt like crap, but I pushed through it and played with my girls. I let them know my limits, and they kept to them. Then today.. today has been awful. At one point, I was concerned that something was going to burst inside me. The pain and pressure was overwhelming, and I could no nothing but sit and be in pain. I took some of my pain meds, but they are for nerve pain, so the intestinal pain did not really subside. Now all I can hope for is getting into a comfortable position and get past this pain.

Tonight After Work

Today is Friday, and I cannot wait until I can finally end this week, fall into my couch and snuggle with my sweet little babies. This morning was full of break downs, forgotten medications, and a whole lot of “What the fuck?” moments. But let’s just accept the fact that life never stops, and I am not anywhere near done with days like this. However, I am done with work mornings for the next two days, and I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday I finally replaced my oldest daughter’s phone, and she just happened to get the upgraded version of mine as a replacement, as they no longer had hers in stock. She’s been waiting for so long, and it is honestly a relief to be able to text her from my bed again. lol – Afterward I met my favorite male coworker at Texas Roadhouse, and he so kindly bought me dinner. I am so incredibly indecisive on what anything means to me anymore, so I am going to take it one day at a time and just let each one do as it pleases. I have always thought that Jeremy was an attractive man, but even to this day it feels like my attraction is a betrayal. As my blog has so obviously been altered by my recent burst of emotions, I should probably mention that I caved and I emailed my “Horse”. I made a complete fool of myself by emailing him and begging him to at least talk to me. I have been aching and weeping over my feelings for him over the last few weeks, and I feel like such a ridiculous fool. The conversation that ensued was about what I expected. He expressed his complete lack of interest to have anything to do with me, and requested that I not contact him any further. My heart was aching, which in turn caused my body to ache. It is such an odd thing to have your feelings affect your health at such a fast rate. article-1342100-01EC2DA9000004B0-315_468x286 I could be feeling fine one moment, then stress will wash over me like a tsunami and bring the aches and pains with it. There is no way to describe the way it feels to have your mind and body ache in the same way. I have so many pain points throughout my body, that when I am feeling weak they are so tender to the touch. It was even harder to hold the tears in until I arrived home.

Once I was through the door, my eyes began to leak and I couldn’t stop. I sat on the couch and let my sorrow spill out. I knew that if I didn’t let myself cry, I would end up in more pain, and have more aches. This was the night that I was to attend a movie with my sister, and I had to let it all out before it was time to go. Obviously upon her arrival she noticed the reddened face, the puffy cheeks, and the lack of makeup. I explained that it had been a stressful day, and that I just needed some downtime. I didn’t want to try to explain my ridiculousness, my self inflicted emotion (and now physical) pain, or what had caused it. There is a reason they say that only fools fall in love, and I just happen to be one of them. A few friends who know what is going on have been very supportive, and keep telling me I will get past it. “Give it another few months, and you will be fine.” – How can I be fine when even just thinking of him causes my joints, my heart, my insides to ache and throb? I just need more distractions, and less time to sit and think of him. I have been spending most of my time with just family, minus the few hours spent out with Jeremy, in hopes that I can just soak in the love from them. The physical touch of my children, the snuggles, and love often times relieves the stress and I am able to relax enough to forget all about him and just enjoy my day. Besides my sweet little family, I do have some really great friends that I can rely on to keep me level headed.

I have to say that I have been laughing more over the last month or so than I have in quite some time, thanks to the closeness I have developed with a few work friends. The receptionist/admin Kendall (female) has been such an awesome and funny person to be around. Though, she is the one that encouraged me to email Jeff, she insists that when two people loved each other, and were as close as we were, there is no way that what I did could have caused all of that to go away. There has to be something left, and he should at least want to be my friend. I have tried to explain the hardships and emotions behind each and every comment, but it is simply impossible. She is one of the most genuine and funny people I have ever met in my life, right up with Kay and Gary, who I also happen to work with. Today was Kendall’s birthday, and though her husband delivered gluten-full cupcakes, Kay showed up with two entire bags of gluten free chocolate candy. women_laughing_blog-572x290 We were not only instructed, but basically ORDERED to consume the contents of both bags! This kind of behavior (along with all of the horribly inappropriate jokes we make), is exactly what keeps me from sinking into the depression my illnesses, and loss constantly taunts me with. I don’t think that my coworkers realize how much they are my saving grace. How much they are the one of only reasons (along with my family and fellow bloggers) that without Jeff I have been able to carry on, and have fought that gray cloud that at times seems so incredibly tempting.

Tonight after work I am heading over to the store to purchase contents for movie night with my babies. I am going to snuggle with my sweet little girls, and fight the urge to think about, and mourn Jeff. Each and every moment that goes by should bring me closer and closer to being fine without him, yet it seems that recently it has gotten worse. We are over four months down, and I still feel like it was just weeks ago. I have been physically feeling much better since being on the neurontin, but it seems as though I am more and more aware of the emotions I feel due to the lack of constant, severe physical pain. Once again, the problem is that though the medication is working, as my heart aches, the pain returns. The stress and pain I feel emotionally spreads through my body, and once again I feel like the biggest fool as my body throbs with regret. I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life, and I should be so very grateful for everyone that loves me. This has been enough for me to carry on, feeling as though I can make it. I love the people in my life SO very much, and I wish I could share this love with him. I wish I hadn’t released all my frustrations, all my hurt, and all my doubts upon him. He said that I made him feel worse than he ever had in his life, and knowing his history, this crushed me. The cruelty that I have inside me, the horrible things I am capable of, I simply cannot even imagine doing again. To anyone.

Tonight after work I am going to drive my coworker home. I am going to get frozen pizza and popcorn. I am going to snuggle, love, and be happy with what I am. With what I have. Weekend fun. Woo!