Lucky, Lucky Me…

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This morning I woke up incredibly sore. My 4 year old had climbed into my bed during the night, no doubt to waking up feeling strange since I moved her sister into another room yesterday. Now my two that are currently home are not sharing a room. This is a huge relief for me, as bedtime and punishments are going to go much smoother. My punishments of sending to the room are more of my girls taking a breather. The corner and chores are for REAL punishments; but I digress.

I woke up with sore arms, legs, back, and neck. I am sure I had slept funny, since I was knocked out by medications instead of falling asleep on my own. I have to ensure I am in a good position before I nod off, otherwise I will likely stay with my head slightly tilted, and wake up with a stiff neck. This is also partially due to the disks being destroyed in my neck. Almost anything can cause my neck to twinge and ache, unless I am careful.

Looking at the clock it was 7am. I needed to be to work in an hour, and have a 25 minute drive. CoolClock I immediately decided that my hair and face were last on the list of things that needed to be done today. Getting out of bed, I put my aching feet on the floor. They screamed at me to get back in bed; feeling like I had stepped on a pile of broken glass, as well as swelling and burning. As usual, I ignored them and did that funny walk I have to do into the bathroom. Flipping on the light I could see that the small amount of makeup I had applied yesterday was all cleanly washed away by the hours of tears I had shed. My eyes were only slightly swollen and red, so a tiny bit of concealer and some mascara would hide that away. It took less than 30 seconds for my face, and less than a minute to pull my hair into a messy, curly ponytail. Good enough for me.

I yelled out to my already awake and playing kids to get their own clothes on, and settled into finding mine. Of course, today was a plain jeans and t-shirt day. Easy to find ones that fit right now, as I have dropped 20 lbs since I suffered through the bowel obstruction a few weeks ago. Not anything that changes how I look to those around me, but enough that I can feel my clothes getting a bit more loose. Good for when my skin is ultra sensitive, as it is today. Throw on my favorite striped hoodie, and I am good to go. I was already sore, exhausted, and my heart hurt. What a typical day for those of us who suffer from any type of chronic illness. After using the bathroom, we can add a sore ass to that pain. I sure do love fissures, don’t you?

Going into the hall I could see my 7 year old all ready to go, tying her shoes as fast as she could. She knew mom meant business. She knows that I am entirely heartbroken over what happened to my pet Bobbi The Rabbit. The youngest, however, was still pantless and dancing around in her own special amusement. Pretty typical of my carefree curly headed baby girl. At 4 years old, she towers over all of the other kids her age, and looks more like she would fit into the first grade. This causes her to be clumsy, and fumble over herself constantly. This also means that she has more accidents, and accidentally causes harm where if she were a normal sized 4 yr old, no harm would be done. Throwing a pair of cropped pants her way, I insisted she hustle, or get left. The good thing about curly hair is that it always looks intentionally messy. No need to fight this girl on her crazy locks. Let it go, and let’s go.

After dropping my girls at the daycare, I hurried down the highway towards the freeway that would lead straight to the office. Recently I had my car worked on, due to a hole in my radiator, and had found to have random car troubles since. I did find it peculiar that there was a small puddle under my car this morning, though I figured it was just from the sprinklers. I took a few photos just in case. Back to driving down the highway, I happened to look down and notice my thermostat was going crazy. hqdefault I flipped on the heat. Nothing. Cold air. GREAT! This means I was COMPLETELY out of fluid. This is a double concern because I filled the car to the brim no less than a week ago, and obviously because of the puddle. My car was about to blow. FANTASTIC! It was a good sign that no smoke was coming out of the car, as that would mean it had likely blown a gasket, or another radiator hole. There was a McDonalds no more than a block away.

After popping in the hood I was able to confirm my suspicions. There was fluid leaking near the radiator, which looked like it was at the end of it’s ropes, and my overflow was empty. I had 20 minutes to get to work, and it was very apparent that was not going to happen. Just like any child in a stressful and binding situation… I called my mommy. I called her and belted out my frustrations, my complete unwillingness to work with the mechanic’s shop again, and begged for some help. I always seem to end up having one of my amazing crisis’s on her day off. Lucky, lucky me. I get to wait in the McDonald’s for as long as needed until my mom can come get me and whisk me off to work. Luckily I have a friend whose husband is a mechanic, and would take a look at it for me later today. Lucky, lucky me.

So, here I am on my lunch break. Trying to keep my head in the game, and not think about all my ailments. Not think about the isolation that I feel, and the unhappiness that is always lingering around me. I have multiple client accounts to work on today, which only three out of the 10 accounts that need vital attention are actually mine. As an escalation and client concerns manager I deal with this daily. I do not mind having to do this as part of my job, as I am quite good at it. Anything that I can successfully do at this point makes me incredibly happy. That being said, on days where everything continuously blows up in my face, it can be stressful. That has been the last month for me. Lucky, lucky me.

I don’t want to deal with any aspect of my life right now. I have the urge to just run away, and let someone else deal with it. To hide away from the world, and not even have anyone know who I am and what I am. I don’t want to take my meds, because I don’t want to have these illnesses. I don’t want to have to make the hard decisions. The little decisions. ANY decisions. It would be nice if I could get a break. One that happens not only because I am too ill to get out of bed. Though I appreciate the breaks from the running around of my children and life on those days, I would love a break on a good day. I would love to get out and just do things for me! On a good day! Instead I am at the point where my anxiety is high, and I want to run. Run away.

Lucky, lucky me.

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I Really Just Want To Be Alone… Rant…

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It’s funny how little things can bring up some big emotions. Here I sit, almost 2am, watching the final season of “How I Met Your Mother” that I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch yet because it was “our show”. I haven’t watched “Breaking Bad”, and even watching “The Walking Dead” is difficult. My head hurts, my body hurts, and my heart hurts. For no other reason than remembering everything I lost. I am not just referring to the relationship that messed me up mentally more than any other relationship I have had, but everything that I felt I lost at the same time. My life, my youth. My everything. Being diagnosed with any autoimmune disease is hard. Beyond hard.

The past few days I have felt really alone. I honestly WANT to be alone, simply because it seems the people around me just aren’t there. They are somewhere else, and that is ok. I have been ignored, yelled at, pestered, questioned, and exhausted the last few weeks. I have been in the hospital, in and out of the Dr office, and pumped full of drugs. I have curled up in pain due to what we later found out was an obstruction. I have missed so much work, I am about to lose all my benefits… which is what pays for my medications. My radiator had to be replaced. Then a fuse blew. And my life at work has gotten hostile due to my absence. I am aware that others think I get special treatment and should have been fired already. I can hear them talk, and see the looks. I just ignore them because they have no idea who I am, and they have no bearing on any decision.

After a terrible few weeks, three of my sisters decided to throw me a “girly night”. When they arrived with snacks, pedicure items, nail polish, and so many other pampering items, I was so surprised! bigstock-Group-women-with-facial-mask--36733561 I can no longer drink, which has been our favorite sister past time for YEARS, so they decided to do the traditional girls night theme. Though, they did bring beer for themselves. They also brought Cujo. My sister Blondie’s (not her real name) awesome rottweiler, who scares the living bejeesus out of my rabbit. Cujo just turned 10, and has no interest in my terrified little buddy, however she was not happy with this situation and spent the entire time in her burrow in her habitat. It was such a loving and happy gesture, and was SO much fun that we decided to commit ourselves to it every month or two. I was so pleased with my overdone nails, silly toenail polish and awesome face mask thingy they bought me… until… I got a message from one of my other sisters.

My mom had three girls. The oldest who we shall call “Hippy”, one we shall call “Tinky” and myself. Hippy and Tinky both tend to feel like the odd man out. The “black sheep” of the family. Them, along with a few other siblings, tend to feel left out of family functions and often forgot about. tumblr_n5e597uyTa1rfm88zo1_250 With 19 kids in my family, I can imagine there are plenty of family occurrences that I am not only not invited to, but will never know about. Such is life. I don’t take it personally, as I know my family loves me. That being said.. Hippy apparently does not feel the same.

I have spent the last two days dealing with drama between Hippy and my sister we shall call “Retro” (She looks so good in retro styled outfits and hair). Retro and Hippy had a falling out a few years ago over their personal lives clashing together in a way that turning into a car wrecking, plane crashing, train wrecking mess! It was nasty. And I tried to stay out of it because I know how both of them are. Hippy is very set in her ways, though she thinks she is very enlightened and open minded. She really is not. I know she means well, so I tend to just ignore what she says to me, though half of it is actually really mildly insulting. She doesn’t mean harm, and truly thinks she is helping. I get this. Retro does not, and takes the insults as insults. Which I completely understand as well. Retro, on the other hand, can be downright mean (much like myself) and really go at it when she is angered. Long story as short as I can make it… they have not made up, and I honestly don’t think they ever will.

Hippy has taken this loving gesture by three of my awesome sisters and turned it into some kind of rejection of her as a sister. She took a great night that I enjoyed so much, spending time with my family, and made it about her. I have missed being able to do anything because of my health so much! My sisters that came, Blondie, Retro, and Beatles (We used to sing Beatles songs at a goth club on karaoke night) took the time and effort to do this for me. However Hippy has been harassing me for two days now, venting about her falling out with Retro. I have been trying my hardest to be as supportive as I can, but I am drained. I just want to tell her to leave me alone and let me be, because her emotional issues with the family is not my problem, but I can’t. redhead-blonde-brunette-300x225 I love all of my siblings, and I can’t just push them away when they are hurting. But I am hurting as well, and I am so frustrated that a kind thing 1/3 of my sisters did for me turned into an ordeal about Hippy. I can’t understand why she would do that. Why she can’t allow me to actually be friends with my other sisters as well without feeling as though she is being thwarted. We are all adults.. I don’t get it.

So, here I am at 2am. Alone, watching a TV show that is bringing up old feelings of being lost, and losing love. Recovering from my Monday routine of physical therapy and work.. dealing with my life as it is, and feeling so anxious over others problems. I haven’t felt this alone in awhile. It’s odd because I want to be alone at the same time. Alone because I can’t stand to hear about other people’s problems that I can’t fix. Alone because I am tired of feeling like I have to constantly defend myself. Alone because I am tired of life as it stands right now.

I don’t like being lonely… but I like being alone. I like being alone because of all of the above! Because I am not missing him, but missing a life before I was like I am now. A life where I could move around. Go hiking if I wanted to. To be free to run, and jump around. To be healthy enough to drink, dammit! A am not mourning him.. I am mourning me. Over time I have realized that what I thought was lingering love is actually not love at all. It is the feelings I harbor about my life. He just happened to be there when my life started to fall apart. When my health went downhill. When I found out that I had the same illness as my grandmother, but diagnosed 30 years before she was, he was there. Only he wasn’t. He had been long gone far before that camping trip. In all honesty, he never was there. I was alone in that battle, and I was trying to convince myself that I would find the solution. That I had him. That I wasn’t alone at all, when in all reality I was. I have been so afraid of being alone since. Alone in my illness. Alone in my pain. Alone in all that I do.

download There is a difference between being alone and lonely. Tonight I am enjoying being alone.. but I am lonely. I do not want anyone to fill this void of loneliness. I want to feel the loneliness. I want to accept it. Because if I can’t get rid of this anxiety welling inside me, anxiety that is keeping me up far too late… I won’t ever be ok.

So, here I sit, now 2:11am. Trying to throw off all the bullshit I endured the last two days. How I want to be alone, and possibly stay alone. I am reminded of how selfish and hurtful other human can be, simply because others were kind in a way that they didn’t see fit. How one can attach feelings in all the wrong places. How I just want to be alone.

I really just want to be alone.

You’re Not Preferred..

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So here I sit. It is past 2am, I am in desperate need for a shower, and my mind is racing a million miles per hour.

My leg is almost healed, and though I am supposed to be going to physical therapy twice a week, I have yet to do so. I want to get my car back down to me (it is getting registered by my lovely mom right now since I work the hours to get it done) and then make the appointments. My ankle is still achy, and feels tight. My toes are half numb all the time, but apparently that is normal with this kind of break. Could take years to get the feeling back, if ever. I am still wearing my boot to work, but wear an athletic brace at home. I am still very inactive, and because of this I have gotten even FATTER! I am not really concerned about how I look right now, as I am more worried about getting my health back on track. I eat decently healthy most of the time, but am VERY inactive due to the illnesses/flares I have endured lately as well as the broken leg. I haven’t been this fat in over 10 years. SO strange to have my clothes not fit me again. To be the fat one waddling around the office. I am not really self conscious, because once again, I am more worried about other things. The time will come when I can be more active, and my useless piled on weight will start to fall off again. Now is not that time.. but I have been thinking a bit..

When I was thinner, just about 18 months ago, I actually looked pretty good. I was larger than I wanted by about 20 lbs, but I looked great for having 4 kids. I was then, as I am now, pretty confident in myself. There was only one problem: Him. Jeff. I remember feeling so good about myself, and often times very sexy. I would walk the halls at work, and know I was attractive. I would go home, let my hair down, wash my face and STILL feel so beautiful and attractive. Then the conversation would come up, and I would be reminded that he wanted me thinner. man-checking-out-other-woman He was interested in thinner women. I was LARGER than he preferred, “but he loved me anyway”. I have never understood the ‘love you anyway’ concept in a relationship. If you love someone, you love them how they are. You do not prefer a better version of them. Especially a version you have never seen, or maybe they have never been!! Knowing your sexual and emotional partner prefers someone who is smaller than you are, especially when going through health issues (I was two years into my dilemma) is incredibly hurtful. I remember standing in front of the mirror, tears streaming down my face, as I poked at the soft spots I knew he was referring to. I had given birth to, and fed 4 babies with my body. I was going through the worst pain and misery I had in my entire life with my health, and I wasn’t good enough in his eyes.

“I prefer…” – This can be such a crushing moment for anyone. Male or female. A woman tells a man she prefers men who are hairless; to her wolf like mate. “I prefer hairless men… but I love you anyway.” – This stands that there is STILL a preference, a BETTER version, if you will, of the person standing before them. “I prefer women with larger breasts… but I love you anyway.” – Here stands a crushed woman, knowing that he would much prefer her body be so different, instead of cherishing and loving every inch. We all have “preferences” of the kind of mate we go after, but if you are pursuing a person who does not fit your most wanted qualities, what are you doing? Now, that is not always the case. Sometimes someone is not your type, and yet you fall madly for them for the wonderful person they are. What then? Do you inform them of your preferences and let them know you “love them” despite them being somewhat unattractive to you? I know it is such a fine line to cross, but it is one that in a relationship you do not want to barge through. It has been over 15 months since we split, and here I am, still wounded knowing a man I was with did not accept my body as it was. Nor did the man before him post baby. I can’t help but to wonder what kind of men I get myself involved with that would be so unaccepting and unloving of such a beautiful thing as a mother’s body.

So here I sit, 2:30am on a Monday morning. I need to be up for work in 6 hours, and I still haven’t showered. Thinking on what my body means to me and to others. I look at my swollen belly, my oversized arms, and my “thunder thighs” and can’t help but to think what a mess they would think me to be. How judged I would be by those who I have shared my bed with. How they would likely scowl and make jokes of my current health problems.

art-SHE-fat-20130606193605324870-620x349 “She’s gotten so fat!”

“Wow! I really dodged a bullet there!”

“Ew! Look at that! Good thing I am not with her anymore! DAMN!”

“No wonder she is still single! GROSS!”

Once again, looking over my body, I can’t help to see what I am. A tough girl. A very, very tough woman. I am what I am right now, and I accept what I am. I prefer to look over myself and think:

“I live through this pain every day. My body carries a heavy weight right now, both physically and emotionally. My body is strong in all it’s weakness. I am amazing. I am beautiful. Each and every inch of me is perfect just as I am right now. One day at a time.”

I don’t look in the mirror and see my fat. The rolls on me even seem foreign and strange to me some days. What I see is beautiful me. I see a strong woman who is fighting with all that she has for herself, and her family. For her health and her love. Getting my life as collected as possible, all while fighting a painful and hard battle. I do not see someone who needs to change. I see what I am today made by my decisions thus far. I do not see someone who is unattractive and unwanted. I see a beautiful, strong woman who can take anything that is thrown her way! Anything that tries to knock her down is thwarted, and she rises. The pounds on the scale do not bother me like they did when I was with him. I weighed myself multiple times a week when we were together. I measured, sucked in, cried… sobbed even… and felt awful about myself almost daily. I was “not enough” – “not preferred” but tolerated. Waiting for me to change into the women he thought I should be, while I accepted him (Not gracefully, I must admit. I suck at relationships) just as he was. There was no “preferred” him I wanted. There was just… him. As much as he thought otherwise, I assume from his want for me to be different, I loved him as he was. Every inch, pound, hair, and big nose on him. Perhaps that is why his words of hurt have lingered for so long… but perhaps it is part of why I am what I am today. Why I can look in the mirror now and say, “Fuck that dude. You are awesome!” – And poke myself in my jiggly belly, because I know that tomorrow is another day, and everything about me today is perfect. Every flaw. Every stretch mark. Every little imperfection anyone else would see. I am me, and I am awesome.

I Am Literally Broken…

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As someone with chronic illness, I often refer to myself as broken. My immune system does not function properly, and this makes me feel broken. It is broken. I am broken. I suffer from both osteo and rheumatoid arthritis. Celiac disease, pelvic congestion disorder, ovarian cysts, chronic sebaceous cysts, fibromyalgia, and was recently told to go get tested for both crohns and ulcerative colitis. A few weeks ago I spent the night in the ER due to unmanageable lower abdominal pain. I figured it was an ovarian cyst or two being a huge pain and refusing to pop, or had popped and was doing something crazy inside to cause the pain. The only reason I went in is that it had suddenly worsened and had no reaction to any of the pain meds I fed it. I had been having severe but manageable abdominal pain for about 4 days, and was eating as raw as I possibly could, but this was FAR more than anything I had experienced in this location for years! This, however, was not a cyst. It was not my bladder or my kidneys. It was not anything they could find in my blood, minus some inflammation. Nothing else was going on that they could find, and like I said, they suggested I get tested for crohns and ulcerative colitis. curled up in pain The pain was awful. They sent me home with lortabs and a suggestion to see my Dr. I knew it was pointless right now, and I hate my gastroenterologist. I figured if it kept going like this for more than a week, I would have no choice to go. It has since calmed down, and though I plan on finding a new gastro, I have yet to do so.

Over the last few weeks I have had my moments of pain, of good days, terrible days, and everything in between. I have been in and out of team lead meetings, rewriting training manuals, etc. It has been full of team lunches, fun work games, taking kids out to the park, bbqs, and other things that reminded me that though I am sick, life is great. I made the decision to send my oldest off to her grandparents house for the summer. She has been doing typical teenage girl things; screaming, crying, fits, boys, friends, breaking rules, etc. She was a bit upset with me, but right now I feel it really is the best choice for her at this time. Her family was so excited to be able to see her, and my little girls could really use a break from the overly reactive bigger sister. We love our sissy girl, but a summer of 9 hours a day at home alone, no supervision and a boyfriend within walking distance? I think not. I just couldn’t.

This week has been full of escalations, meetings, and investors coming through the office. I have been backed up with client meetings but doing a pretty good job. I am proud to say I have saved the company I work for over a grand this week alone, and resolved multiple client concerns. I really like being the escalations manager, and though some clients I talk to frustrate me, I am really good at hiding it and keeping my cool. I leave work feeling like I have accomplished so much when I have made a client happy and saved our company having issues. On that note, I am still getting new clients for me to manager sent my way now and then. After my Welcoming Call on Wednesday, I rushed into a team meeting I was late for. We are reworking the way our department functions on a daily basis which is going to allow us to be more productive and possibly grow at a faster rate. I hit right at the end, got the general gist, but had to rush off to another client meeting.

Empty office room This meeting was to be between myself, another Account Manager, an upset client and her partner. There was some difficulty with her site, and we have been trying to get things worked out. Unfortunately the Account Manager I was to work with left earlier in the day with kidney stones. Poor guy has been suffering from them for months, and has even looked like death before being rushed off to the ER. As I left my boss’s office, feeling confident in my cute new skirt, wedged shoes and blouse combo… something happened. I partially tore some ligaments in my left ankle over a month ago and was still healing. As I turned to walk to my desk this ankle gave underneath me. Twisting and tearing, I could hear the pop, and went to catch myself with my right foot. As soon as my right foot hit the ground it slipped out from under me and I heard a loud crack. I hit the ground with more force than I thought I would, and pain shot through both of my legs. Coworkers started running over and asking me if I was alright; offering to help me up. I pulled my legs out from under me, and I could feel the damage. It all happened so fast, but I shooed most of my friends away, telling them I was fine and smiling as they walked away. I started to direct my boss on how to handle the call I was obviously going to miss, but was quickly shut down. They were all so blown away that I was on the ground, both legs swelling up before their eyes, and still making sure all my meetings were covered. Even “Jackass” told me to stop worrying about my clients and worry about myself. They have me covered! The rest of the crowd started to dissipate.

I turned to my Princess Friend, looked her straight in the eye and said, “I am not ok. I am almost positive I broke my leg and sprained my other one.”

It was a process to get me into a chair, rolled into the elevator and out the door. I was in excruciating pain, but I did not falter. I did not cry out, I did not scream, I did not shed a tear. My coworkers clapped as I was rolled past their cubicles, and I told them to knock it off! I couldn’t help but laugh as I told them all it wasn’t funny! Such a pain, those coworkers of mine, but so wonderful. A few of the stronger men followed and walked with me out to the car. Pushing Chair They lifted me into my Princess’s passenger seat, as she had insisted on being my personal ambulance. She was so upset that I had never reached out to her when I was in the ER for my intestinal pain, as she never wants me to have to suffer alone. She would have come running at the drop of a hat to make sure that I was ok. So she was to be my savior for the day, take me to the ER, and be there every step of the way. And she was. SO MUCH!

Once at the ER we were in the door fairly quickly, examined, and into Xray within 45 minutes of arrival. The Xray tech was named Jeff and was really actually pretty funny. He responded very well to my sarcasm, and was wondering why I was not showing that I was in pain at all, though looking over my swollen and broken looking legs you could tell that I was suffering. I had just had Princess help me pee (that was funny), was given two lortabs, and sent on my way. The back and forth banter between Xray Jeff and I was a nice distraction from the growing pain inside. PLEASE JUST LET THE TABS KICK IN! – The Xrays were NOT fun at all, and in an all joking manner he called out in triumph when I cringed during one of the Xrays. He felt like he had broken down my wall of pain mastery, and saw what was really going on inside! It was actually sort of cute, and I found myself wanting to talk more to him. I didn’t follow through, mainly because I was in too much pain to appropriately flirt, and was almost positive I was not going to be able to walk for awhile. This can put a damper on any type of new found friendship. So lame.

Once back in the room, Princess and I arranged for my girls to be picked up and we tried to call my mom. My mom had told me she was coming down the next day to help me clean my house, so it was almost perfect timing for me to injure myself. Having her come down that night instead of the next day would be very likely and so helpful for me. The doctor popped his head in the door and announced that my ankle was in fact broken. He pulled up the Xrays and showed me the snapped fibula bone. xr-ankle-FweberB-ap-250-label The gap in my ankle bone and the tibia, which may be a problem, but we will have to wait for the swelling to go down. Princess continued to ask him question after question about my illness and how it will relate to healing. What I need to do. How I am going to get around with not one, BUT TWO legs I can’t use. He suggested I at least try to use crutches and just figure out how to utilized my severely sprained ankle. He then left the room, and never returned. Princess was fuming.

You know, I am really lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, and Princess has always been so good to me. She knows what it is like to have chronic illnesses; having celiac disease and asthma, she is more understanding than most of my friends. She is protective, caring, and more than happy to go out of her way to help those she loves. I just happen to be someone she loves, and I love her back. She went on and on to me about making sure I see both the orthopedic surgeon asap, as well as my rheumatologist as soon as I can. She was so very concerned that I was not going to get the treatment that I need, and that I would not heal properly. She wanted to take care of me, and I let her. I never let anyone take care of me, so it was about time I let go and let someone. I did.

After I was set up with a boot on the right leg, and a stirrup splint on the left, we headed out to fill my prescription of pain meds. I stayed in the car while Princess ran inside, texting me for info she needed. She returned with a bag of gluten free goodies, and my drugs. I can honestly say that this was the nicest thing anyone has done for me in as long as I can remember. As broken and hurt as I was, I had been surrounded with loving and caring people. My coworkers are awesome people, and took great care of me. I have been getting emails, texts, and other inquiries from so many people asking how I am, it really makes sitting at home with two out of commissions legs, unable to walk.. so much better.

There is so much more that has happened, even since Wednesday when I took this crash, but I am not going to go into that. Here I sit alone today, kids at daycare (thanks to Princess stopping by to pick them up on her way to work), watching Netflix and eating gluten free Oreos substitutes. Another good work friend is coming over to bring me lunch, and tonight Princess and Lovely are going to come to help me shower. We will see how that goes. Keep your fingers crossed, as these breaks have cause a flare up in all my joints, my muscles are killing me, and my sinus infection is going nuts. 105-0504_img_2 My mom helped me arrange my livingroom into a basic living space, surrounded by pillows! The coffee table is pulled over and up against the couch, where I am going to be living for the next few days, maybe even weeks, depending on how much time I need to rest myself in order to heal and return to life.

My feet are both bruised. Legs will both randomly go numb. Since some of the swelling has gone down, when I move I can feel the bones shift and pop. My throat is dry, I am exhausted but can’t sleep. We have made arrangements for my youngest to go with her dad for the entire weekend, and for my middle child to stay with me. She can help me get water and other random things I will need that I can’t get myself. Middle child is pretty good at taking care of herself, and my mom bought some items that are easy for her to get so she can feed herself this weekend. Monday morning I am going to see the Dr, which my mom will return to take me there. I am both excited and nervous. I don’t want another exam, Xrays, etc. They are going to hurt, and I am already so tired. My wrists and arms hurt from having to be utilized more often than they used to, lifting my body to and from the wheelchair.

To sum it up, right now my life sucks. I am broken. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally broken right now. Everything is falling apart, but I am keeping myself together as much as I possibly can. I have so many people who love me, care about me, and want to help me. The only thing is… they can’t fix me. I appreciate their love and support more than I can express, but at the end of the day I am literally broken.

I am so, so, so broken.

The More You Know… First Time With The Rheumy

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I finally saw a Rheumatologist last month, and I have to say that it was a bit different than I expected. I have heard of him before, as I happen to work with his son, and was excited to find that the recent switch of Insurance providers at my place of work allowed me to see him now. Prior to the switch I had been avoiding seeing a Rheumatologist due to the nearest one that took my insurance was an hour drive. I had been in basic denial of really needing to see one, and this just made it easier to justify. As my illness has progressed, and the fact that I have yet to recover from the bronchitis I happened to acquire in February, I knew I had to suck it up and actually see this through. It is better to know exactly what I am dealing with, or at least work on finding out more about my body. Maybe then I can get more answers about how to deal with this.

When I arrived, they were all incredibly polite and professional, but in a casual way. I was not handled with “kid gloves” like my physicians, and I wondered if it was due to the fact that they are used to dealing with the elderly. As much as people would like to think that the elderly are fragile, it is generally going to only be their exterior that has so many “soft spots”. I find the elderly to be quite entertaining, and much more friendly than the average person thinks. taking vitals I get along with people far beyond my years, which I chalk up to me being a young mom (Age 15 – So smart) and suffering through “elderly” diseases starting at 26. I had my vitals checked, and a quick exam which caught a temp of 99.9 – Which is my temp almost EVERY time I go to the Dr. I run an elevated temp daily, and had to tell her it was ok and normal for me. She seemed both amused and concerned that I was so nonchalant about a temp that generally implies some kind of virus. Autoimmune illnesses are fun. Sudden fatigue and constant fluctuation in temp. WAHOO!!

Since I had injured myself just a few days before, I was limping around with a colorful sock over my not so sexy bandaged ankle. This did not go unnoticed by my Rheumy, but he just laughed it off after I told him I got into a fight with a small rock, and the rock won. “I fought a rock and the rock won.” He introduced himself, and we started in with the casual conversation about my process it took to get to him. The wall I initially hit after eating lunch one day nearly three years ago. Being bed ridden for a solid week, and running a temp of 99.9 for three months straight, no break even with meds. The physician, gynecologist, orthopedic surgeon, gastroenterologist, the works. Surgeries, tests, missed work, symptoms, medications, MORE medications, MORE symptoms, etc. He sat and listened to all of my woes, and asked questions as I went. He went further and further into my history, asking questions I hadn’t even thought of. How many bones I broke, if I had ever been limited physically for any reason before I got sick, and other random things. Oddly enough, he made me realize that I had been systematic for YEARS before I even hit that wall, but I wrote it off as other issues. It easily could have been other issues, and wasn’t necessarily something to be alarmed about, but once it started to randomly cripple me I should have looked over my personal health history much deeper. Well, a little late for that but at least we are doing this now.

cos-01-young-woman-doctors-office-hospital-gown-de1 He left the room to allow me to change into to a hospital down, and when he returned started the exam. He checked some pain points in my arms, checked the movement of my joints, extremities, etc. He winced in certain places, letting him know the level of pain, but when he got to my back I couldn’t help by cry out when he pushed closer to the small of my back. I have a large area there that can get incredibly sore when I am having a flare. Still having symptoms from bronchitis and having a torn ligament in my ankle had caused this area to go haywire! He ended the exam short, and ordered quite a few xrays, ultrasounds and other tests. He told me that he can confirm the rheumatoid symptoms, as well as the fibromyalgia. He wanted to likely change my treatment, but wanted to wait until all the tests came back. He was concerned I might have some disc issues in my spine which could be causing the back pain. Then again, it could be fibro, but generally if it’s that I would have the severe pain across all my pain points and not just in the back. We would have to wait to find out, but in the meantime try to be nice to my body… and steer clear of small rocks. Who knows what might happen. LOL

Let’s fast forward to the follow up that occurred three weeks later. Wander in about 15 minutes early. Temp taken: Only 98.9 this time. Sweeeeeet. Not really having a flare up, as my ankle is mostly healed with just a few pains here and there. Bronchitis still hanging around, but mostly just an ugly cough and some breathing troubles. The weather here has been so flaky that I doubt I will be clear of this mess any time soon. This time I waited in the exam room for about 25 minutes, and I just assumed that he hadn’t really looked over my results yet. I had looked over them multiple times in my online interactive office. I read through my bloodwork, but my xrays and ultrasounds were not available to view. In my bloodwork there was indication of high inflammation, which I found weird because I was on Meloxicam. This is a high does of anti-inflammatory and should keep it under wraps, and definitely not outside of the safe zone. Then again, bodies like mine like to be assholes and do whatever they want, which includes getting inflamed for no REAL justified reason. Thanks, body.

Going over the xrays he showed me where I was having issues. Both hands have just begun to really feel the effects of the rheumatoid. Both pinky fingers and ring fingers have lost all joint space between the bones. The pain in my arms and hands can be accounted for there. Rheumatoid-arthritis-of-the-hands-X-ray-2354547 My thumb, pointer, and middle fingers are actually being effected by osteoarthritis, and are not really showing signs of ra yet. He showed me on both the xray and a chart what the differences were, and though at the time I could spot them with his guidance, I can’t tell the difference now. I am sure as time goes on and I monitor my TWO different kinds of arthritis I will learn to spot the differences on an xray. For now, I have been trying to practice on Google images and try to educate myself. As per my back, the discs are firmly in place, though I have a very strong arch. Most people have a mostly straight spine, with a few very natural curves like a very soft curved road. Mine on the other hand is mostly normal, until you get to the waist area. At that point my spine curves slightly right, in and then back out like a loose backwards C. You can see exactly where I broke my tail bone as a child, and really explains why I can’t get rid of my big butt. Apparently this isn’t an issue, as all my disks are still in place, but mixed with my DD breasts it can cause quite the back pain. However, not the back pain I am experiencing. That is ALL fibro, baby!

We went over pockets of fluids in my arms, knees, and other areas of concern. Shots that will get rid of them slowly, and medication changes that will also help. Changing from meloxicam over to generic Voltaren 75mg twice daily for the inflammation. He would like to steer clear of steroids for now, as I tend to have the worst reactions to medications. This one is going to be softer on my lower intestines, and should help with both the fibro and the arthritis. Once we addressed all my illness issues, he brought the xray of my neck to attention. Not only was my neck too straight, it actually curved in the wrong direction. The supporting ligaments had been damaged, and the disks between the bones were almost completely gone. The disc between the C7 and T1 was obliterated. Done for. Gone. He started asking me about accidents I may have been in… care wrecks, other things. I looked away like I was thinking, and kept telling him I had never been in an accident. He danced around the subject asking if I had ever taken a hard fall and hit my head, or anything else. I sighed and finally said, “I was in an abusive marriage.” We went on to talk about the blows to the head, the concussions, and other things that could have destroyed my neck the way it was. He apologized for pushing me to talk about it, but it was medically important to know what happened to cause the injury. He said based on my xrays he had assumed abuse, but did not want to push the subject in case he was wrong. I figured he saw the broken collar bone, and ribs. The issues that arose from being married to such a big man. We went over the treatment of heat every night, continue with my muscle relaxer but taking it nightly until we get the swelling down, and see what it does for me. h-UPSET-WOMAN-AND-DOCTOR-960x540 The new meds for the arthritis would help with my neck as well, but I will never be able to fix my neck without surgery. He closed the conversation with, “It is a good thing you divorced him, and such a shame that he left you with something to remember him by.”

After getting the shots in my arm, and almost FACE planting while getting out of the chair, I went back to work. The feeling of relief, pain, and hope was overwhelming. I kept thinking about how it is good to know what is going on, but upset that what I went through in my marriage really did destroy parts of me inside and out. Literally. Emotionally as well. I tried not to think about it, and just focus on what I was going to do with the new information. New treatment, new hope, and another appointment a month from now to follow up. I learned nothing new about my knees, but felt much more educated on my body in general. Now I know what is going on in the places that hurt, and I begun going through it in my mind.

Feet: Rheumatoid arthritis

Knees: Osteo and rheumatoid arthritis. No cartilage from damage. Fluid pockets. Inflammation.

Abdominal pain: Celiac, and ovarian cysts. Inflammation from both.

Back pain: Spine curve.. big boobs. Yay. No inflammation.

Neck pain: Damaged to the ligaments and discs. Little to no inflammation.

Shoulder and upper arm pains: Damage to the right from injury, fluid pockets and inflammation.

Elbows: Irritation from both the shoulders and the hands. No inflammation.

Hands: Osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis. Inflammation.

Jaw: TMJ. No inflammation. Possibly from Fibro.

Full body muscle/muskoskelital pain: Fibromyalgia

Stomach ache: Gastrointestinal damage.

Bleeding from anus: Colon and lower intestinal ulcers and internal hemorrhoids.

Going through all of my body, and my daily pains I was brought back to realize how miserable I really am. I often feel bad for being so inactive and feel so lazy! Being reminded that I actually am sick, and I really do need to rest myself until we figure this out. sick-in-bed I need to count my spoons and stick with them! Pushing myself only makes it worse, and can prevent me from actually doing the things I need to do for myself AND my family. People who end up with chronic illnesses are often left feeling guilty, and need to find a way to cope. We can’t help but watch others walk around, enjoying their bodies, and end up feeling both jealous and resentful. I tend to go back and forth from “I GOT THIS SHIT!” to the “What is wrong with me, why can’t I handle this?”. Though it may seem like such a bi-polar way to look at things I have come to realize that it really is natural, and I really will always be this way. Now, will I always be on the low side of my roller coaster? No. No way. Sometimes the roller coaster may even stop on a high point, and I will get to enjoy and consume the wonders of the world with a big grin on my face! But I am never going to get off this roller coaster. It is my life now, and it is what I have to deal with.

Getting more info on your illnesses are really both enlightening and pleasing, as well as hurtful and depressing. Knowing my hands are just going to get worse, and my body is going to slowly break down is not fun. Knowing how to slow the process, and take care of myself so I can handle and live with my disabilities is a good thing… but I don’t want to do it. I WILL, mind you, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to try new meds and have to learn and handle the side effects. I don’t want to have to remember that my headaches and neck pain are from a man I left a little less than 10 years ago, and that I will always deal with it. I can lessen the pain, and help with the inflammation, but it will never go away. Once again, told I am sick forever at age 29. Three years in. Single mother of 3 girls. Full time working mom. Sick. Forever.

Well… now I REALLY know, right? *sigh*

Giving Up For Today…

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Today my anxiety is through the roof. I’m both physically and emotionally in pain. My heart aches, and my head aches. I’m so stuffed up I can barely breath, and I can’t keep from crying.

sleeping positions in periodsMy life is in shambles, and I have no idea how to put it back together. I’ve never felt so helpless, and I don’t know how to handle this feeling. I think I’ll give myself today to let it all out, and see if I can think straight tomorrow. I’ve given up on my relationship with “Rain”, and I’ve given up on today. I am not sure what else I’ll give up on, but right now I want to give up all together.

I really dislike how diagnostics, chronic pain, and chronic illness make you so emotional. I wish I had more control, but I don’t.

No More Him…

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I have just done something that used to provoke anxiety in me, but has now made me feel free and as though a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I deleted every text, email, etc that I had from Dead Horse (Jeff) in my email. They are ALL gone. I have removed all his emails, phone numbers, etc from all of my contacts and eliminated all social networking connections we had.

This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me it is. I have removed the words that he wrote to me from my life completely. Every “I love you”, “Fuck you”, and any other emotion I was holding onto… are gone. Every. Single. One. I did a search in my system, and every email or text that even mentioned his name is also gone. And here is why.

I have been thinking less and less about the Dead Horse, which is such a relief. There are times I realized I haven’t even though about him in over a week. I haven’t had him be the star of one of my dreams for quite some time. Until last night. It was SUCH an unpleasant dream, and I woke feeling isolated, shunned, exposed, and hurt. frustrated-business-woman-stuck-box-isolated-7145177 I went through many emotions during my vivid night time expression of emotion. I was shoved in a box, thrown out of a car, hugged, pushed, shamed, and at one point I was sobbing naked in front of his whole family. I choked out reasons behind my failure to be what he wanted, expressing my own personal hatred for my illness, and begging them not to judge me while Dead Horse took off with his new gf. I cried and cried about my illness. I apologized for not being able to keep up. They all told me that he was better off with someone “normal”. That I was “bad for him” because of how much time and energy I was and would suck out of his life. That he deserved better than someone of my “caliber”. Someone who can be active, doesn’t have the emotional and physical limitations I have, and doesn’t come from my same family history. At one point they were shoving me inside a small car while I asked for at least my clothes back, but they all insisted I just leave. Bare chest and all.

I could feel the pain that he had caused me during and after our relationship. I felt the burn inside me that only he had ever caused me to feel, as well as the ache and loss that I felt every time he told me he didn’t want what he “knew” I wanted. Every time he walked out the door because he thought we might “fight” that night. The nights I spent alone crying in my bed while he was home watching basketball and getting drunk instead of helping me through such a difficult time that is chronic illness diagnostics. Of course, I was feeling run down, emotional, and not “physical” at all, so why would he spend time with me when I was being such a downer, right? All of these feelings rushed through me while I fought myself to wake up. I knew I was dreaming, and all I wanted was to let go of all these emotions that obviously still linger inside me. I had to, and have to let it go!

When I woke up I was nearly in tears. I was flat on my back, and I could hear my girls playing and fighting downstairs. I stared at the ceiling trying to fight off the useless emotions that were flowing through me. My WHOLE body ached, and I couldn’t help but have quick thoughts of how it might be better to be a vegetable than what I am right now. stock-footage-portrait-of-sad-and-unhappy-woman-crying-laying-in-bed-in-bedroom-pensive-girl-uhd-ultra-hd-k Maybe numb from the neck down… but that honestly sounds more miserable than what I am going through right now. I would hate to not be able to slap a bitch. lol – Reaching over for my phone, the lights were blinking like crazy. I had so many texts, notifications, snapchats, etc. Hmmm… I will check them all later, I only cared about the ones from Rain. “Yeah.. I thought about you quite a bit.” and “Mmmm… another whole day?!?” – Rain had gone out with some friends the night before, and I had sent him some enticing texts. We have a date tomorrow night, and I am glad to see that he is still just as eager as I am. This started to pull me out of the hurt I was still experiencing from my dream. The sound of my children downstairs, numerous texts and social interactions waiting to occur, and the texts from Rain reminded me that I am still a person. I am still me, though I felt shoved around and pushed away due to my needs, especially in my dream. Jeff… all I felt was hurt, betrayal, and cruelty. The pain when he cheated on me. The hurt when I found out about his numerous lies. The rejection and betrayal when he replaced me within 14 days of our 2 year relationship ending. I pictured myself standing bare and exposed in front of everyone just pleading for them to see ME! To see that I was trying to be what he needed, and even what I needed, but falling short due to things outside of my control. THIS is what hurt the most. Being so exposed, and so rejected.

All day today I have been feeling off. I have been feeling low, and the aches throbbing through me are not helping. Since I sprained my ankle on Sunday, I used crutches for a few days. Apparently these crutches caused some deep bruising and issues in my arm pits, and I have since developed both pain and a few small cysts. pain-woman1 Even my clothing rubbing against the tender tissue sends shooting pains through me. What would he have thought of my arm pit pain? Would it be just another inconvenience? Another reason to roll his eyes and go home? Would he once again tell me that it is in my head, and I should have a better attitude? That I would probably be better if I just wasn’t so negative! – I cringe at the thought. I thought about all the feelings and pain I kept to myself just so I didn’t push too much emotion on his shoulders. I wanted him with me, I wanted to SEE him, so I knew I had to keep certain things in. I had to watch certain shows. Drink certain drinks. Even discuss certain topics. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I push myself around so much for someone who was mistreating me behind the scenes? Who was reading each and every text that I ever sent. Every email that I both sent and received. He hacked into my facebook, my work email, my personal email, etc. He hated friends and family for what I thought was no reason, but later found was misguided opinions of texts and other interactions I had with them. I pushed a handful of people out of my life for him because they made him uncomfortable. Of course that stemmed from chats from long time friends telling me I was lovely, and a good catch, etc.

About an hour ago I logged into my email to see if my sister had sent over some pictures she wants me to upload, and I noticed his name on the left side of my screen. article-1175013-0499B8A7000005DC-375_468x325 Why on earth do I still have him in my chat list? I right clicked, and removed. Then it hit me… I still had almost EVERY interaction we had ever had in my emails. Work chats with him, home chats with him, emails, texts, photos, etc. Why? Why did I still have these? WHAT is the purpose? Doing a search for his name, I started deleting. Pulling things with every keyword I could possibly think of that would bring up something from/to him. DELETE. Over and over and over again! I found THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS of internet interaction and removed them. I then went and extra removed them by deleting them from my trash. I searched and searched until I could not find one thing left. It felt amazing. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders when I finally realized that I had no choice to go and read his words. His loving words, casual words, and most of all his hateful words. The manipulative way he would talk down on himself for sympathy. For me to come to the rescue and show him that he was wanted. The strange things he would bring up for no reason, and the odd fights they would start. As if he wanted to spend time away from me just to be away. NO MORE. No more him. No more us. No more. No more Jeff Hebert.

No more… Jeff… no more dead horse. His words are gone, and I couldn’t feel better about it. I never knew deleting digital communication would feel so freeing.