2018 Day One

I started this year off sick, alone, and miserable.

It can only go up from here, right?

Yesterday I was in the shower, attempting to get clean and get some energy to be with people. My back was hurting wad fiercely, and my muscles were so weak from days of not processing food, and vomiting, that I nearly lost consciousness.

What kept me from passing out was turning the water from warm to cold very quickly, and giving my senses a shock. Luckily I was on conditioner by then; I quickly rinsed and stepped out of the shower. My bathroom was a mess. Covered in messes from my 4 kids. My body ached so bad, stomach hurt and the urge to vomit was overwhelming.

I’m very ill right now, and my body is nor handling it well. I’m tring very hard to get through this, but I also feel so guilty! I feel like such a burden when I lay in rest, and try to recover. Sometimes I’m ok for days and weeks, and other times I’m in bed for weeks.

Yesterday I was out of bed ling enough to realize showering this ill without someone down here could result in my passing out, and causing serious damage to myself and this house. Not a good thing!

So this year I’m going to work on staying within my limits. Without guilt.

I’m going to work on being alone without feeling lonely. Inevitably. I don’t think I’ll meet anyone who can be with me. I simply don’t.

I will work on teaching my kids better house keeping so I don’t slip on wet floors when I almost pass out in the shower.

Day one wasn’t the best. I’m having a rough day. But it’s just one day. We always have tomorrow.

I’ll be sure to let my kids know that no matter what… I love them. They’re amazing! They’re my favorite humans! I’m so glad they’re mine.

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