Ulceritis Colitis to Cellulitis Lymphatic – I’m dying

Dear healthy friend and/ or family member who responded with a big, “I’m so sorry” or “That’s just so sad!”, or whatever kind of sympathetic dismissive words toy chose when I informed you of my cellulitis that’s now in my lymphatic system:

Sympathy isn’t something I really want, or need. I was more sharing what went on so you could understand. I know it’s weird and stuff for you, but it’s almost normal for me. Scary, for sure. Don’t get me wrong. A terribly awful day… But it’s nothing I haven’t been through and won’t go through again. I’ve lost so much weight the last month, and gone down two pants sizes. I’ve barely been out of bed, and come to find out my feeling like I was dying is because… I really was. Not because I’m dramatic, or want attention. What a concept.

I need more understanding and less good thoughts. I need more help and less prayers. I need more love and less hopes and wishes of me getting well. Good vibes are great and all, but good vibes don’t clean my shower of bacteria. Or do my laundry I can’t keep up on.

Be realistic. I’m going to be ok this time around, but what about the one time I’m NOT going to be ok?

How much will you regret not being there for me? Because if the roles were reversed, and I were still healthy, I’d be there for you. You damn well know it.

I’ve been there for so many of you. Even in my sickness and health. I’ve been sick since 2011. Have I been there for you in any way shape or form since then? I’ll always be here for you, whatever you need. If I’m capable, you got it. That’s just the person I am. Even now! Can you please do the same for me? I’m in so much need right now. So much pain. I’m actually falling apart, from my insides to my skin. Literally, there’s holes in every bit of me.

Help me.

Sincerely and utterly desperately broken,

Me.

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2018 Day One

I started this year off sick, alone, and miserable.

It can only go up from here, right?

Yesterday I was in the shower, attempting to get clean and get some energy to be with people. My back was hurting wad fiercely, and my muscles were so weak from days of not processing food, and vomiting, that I nearly lost consciousness.

What kept me from passing out was turning the water from warm to cold very quickly, and giving my senses a shock. Luckily I was on conditioner by then; I quickly rinsed and stepped out of the shower. My bathroom was a mess. Covered in messes from my 4 kids. My body ached so bad, stomach hurt and the urge to vomit was overwhelming.

I’m very ill right now, and my body is nor handling it well. I’m tring very hard to get through this, but I also feel so guilty! I feel like such a burden when I lay in rest, and try to recover. Sometimes I’m ok for days and weeks, and other times I’m in bed for weeks.

Yesterday I was out of bed ling enough to realize showering this ill without someone down here could result in my passing out, and causing serious damage to myself and this house. Not a good thing!

So this year I’m going to work on staying within my limits. Without guilt.

I’m going to work on being alone without feeling lonely. Inevitably. I don’t think I’ll meet anyone who can be with me. I simply don’t.

I will work on teaching my kids better house keeping so I don’t slip on wet floors when I almost pass out in the shower.

Day one wasn’t the best. I’m having a rough day. But it’s just one day. We always have tomorrow.

I’ll be sure to let my kids know that no matter what… I love them. They’re amazing! They’re my favorite humans! I’m so glad they’re mine.