I Got This

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My heart hurts today.

All the stress, all the hardships, all the sickness. It’s coming down on my shoulders.

My body hurts. My head hurts. My skin hurts. My joints, muscles, etc.

But besides all that, my heart hurts.

I’m unsure exactly why it’s today, but I simply want to cry.

It could be that two of my children are sick, one with hives all over her body, refusing to stop going to the place that causes her outbreaks.

The other hypoglycemic and showing sounds of hyperthyroidism. My daughter who has had chronic illness symptoms for 5 years.

I have been trying to steady my breathing for hours, my cheeks flushed and hands shaking. It’s working, but only to an extent.

My heart hurts. It’s like my broken little heart is being pried open, and I’m being reminded that I’m all alone in this. Motherhood. Recovery. Struggles. The works.

I have amazing friends, and wonderful family. My life doesn’t have room for anyone else now. Yet my heart aches from loneliness, and I just want to be comforted and held during a scary and hard time in my life.

My son is home, and he’s beginning to thrive! Making friends, hanging out with them, and bringing joy to my days seeing him so happy! He’s requested some new toys, and tells me he loves me every day! He hugs me, and calls me mom! Music to my ears!

I have so many beautiful things in my life to be thankful for, and I’m ever so grateful for everything and everyone. My heart is so full, yet I’m still so hurt.

Tonight I’m laying in my bed, by myself. I have a few baskets of clean laundry to fold and put away, but my body is in so much pain I couldn’t even imagine doing so. My elbows, back, hands, and stomach are all culprits of agony.

The last thing I need is my emotions going haywire.

The problem with anxiety is how hard it is to control and get to calm completely back down once it’s started. Writing helps, talking helps, and other forms of expression.

I used to walk. Run. Dance. Clean. Get active when I got anxious. Now my body can’t handle my anxiety attacks, as even the tension from the emotion causes my pain to increase.

So now my heart hurts, my body hurts, and my anxiety is playing games with my emotions.

I know I’ll get through tonight. I’ll even get through tomorrow. I’ll get through each and every day of the rest of my life, regardless of how hard.

I’ll get through my loneliness, and keep going. Because that’s what I do. My life is too full and complicated for a fix to that problem any time soon.

I will get through my flare, through my concerns, through all the mess I need to. I got this, and I’ll continue to handle this.

I just need to breathe. A few tears may fall. My temperature is elevated to 99.1°f – and I don’t run hotter than 97.6°f. Ever. But I got this. I’m handling this. U

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Unconditionally

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I struggle with the unconditional love I have for another. I want it to go away, for very obvious reasons. For one, it’s unrequited. That’s incredibly painful.

Two, the owner of my love belongs to another. Now they have spawned.

My heart is so happy for them. I’ve already taken steps within his family to help with the safety of that child, details of which I don’t feel like going into at this time.

Unconditional.

Without condition.

It extends to pieces of that human.

I am struggling with my love for this human because it’s extended into multiple people now, and my caring just might even include the women who has kept him from me, and will continue to do so.

Their happiness is very much something I would like to see; actual trusting, loving, caring, happiness. I want nothing more amazing and beautiful for this human. Though he’s hurt so many.

Walked away from the people who care for him and turned his back on his own family. To the point of changing his LEGAL name to another. A family that he burned the bridges to. He made the decision to betray, lie to, and berate. Always, it takes two to tango, however there’s lines you don’t cross. Ooh love, you crossed every one of them. To make things worse, he never admitted, acknowledged, or apologized for those mistakes.

I know this behavior from him all too well. It’s heartbreaking, and the only thing you can do to stay in favor of this wounded soul I adore so much, is stand by his side. Always.

My heart couldn’t handle the break. It was all too much, and nobody had hurt me like that before. Nobody had got behind my walls like that before. It was an emotional travesty. Not ok.

But I stuck it out, and reached out to him! For months! I said I was there always – friends no matter what! Unconditional love!

It’s been nearly a year since the day my heart broke. Later, upon discovery after discovery of details of deception, approaching him about each one, and getting no answers from him. Ever. I finally decided to completely give up on ever being ok with seeing him. It will forever anger, hurt, and break me.

I’m struggling because this unconditional feeling. I want to call and ensure he’s ok. Ensure the safety of his family. Encourage happiness, and parental awesomeness. How to do all the amazing things newborns do. How to care for his post-natal birth giver.

Why do I care? Because secretly I’m not the asshole people think I am.

Because I love this human unconditionally. So it’s causing this struggle inside me.

I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to carry on with my life. Spend the time with my kids, one of which I was just reunited with after 8yrs. Distract my thoughts of this entire situation, my ridiculous unconditional love, and carry on. I know he’s enveloped in his beautiful new baby, and hope he’s able to bask in the joy that having a new baby brings.

Because as much as he has loved before, now he knows what its like to truly love unconditionally. Welcome to parenthood, J.

Best wishes be with you and yours. He’s adorable.