My heart hurts today.
All the stress, all the hardships, all the sickness. It’s coming down on my shoulders.
My body hurts. My head hurts. My skin hurts. My joints, muscles, etc.
But besides all that, my heart hurts.
I’m unsure exactly why it’s today, but I simply want to cry.
It could be that two of my children are sick, one with hives all over her body, refusing to stop going to the place that causes her outbreaks.
The other hypoglycemic and showing sounds of hyperthyroidism. My daughter who has had chronic illness symptoms for 5 years.
I have been trying to steady my breathing for hours, my cheeks flushed and hands shaking. It’s working, but only to an extent.
My heart hurts. It’s like my broken little heart is being pried open, and I’m being reminded that I’m all alone in this. Motherhood. Recovery. Struggles. The works.
I have amazing friends, and wonderful family. My life doesn’t have room for anyone else now. Yet my heart aches from loneliness, and I just want to be comforted and held during a scary and hard time in my life.
My son is home, and he’s beginning to thrive! Making friends, hanging out with them, and bringing joy to my days seeing him so happy! He’s requested some new toys, and tells me he loves me every day! He hugs me, and calls me mom! Music to my ears!
I have so many beautiful things in my life to be thankful for, and I’m ever so grateful for everything and everyone. My heart is so full, yet I’m still so hurt.
Tonight I’m laying in my bed, by myself. I have a few baskets of clean laundry to fold and put away, but my body is in so much pain I couldn’t even imagine doing so. My elbows, back, hands, and stomach are all culprits of agony.
The last thing I need is my emotions going haywire.
The problem with anxiety is how hard it is to control and get to calm completely back down once it’s started. Writing helps, talking helps, and other forms of expression.
I used to walk. Run. Dance. Clean. Get active when I got anxious. Now my body can’t handle my anxiety attacks, as even the tension from the emotion causes my pain to increase.
So now my heart hurts, my body hurts, and my anxiety is playing games with my emotions.
I know I’ll get through tonight. I’ll even get through tomorrow. I’ll get through each and every day of the rest of my life, regardless of how hard.
I’ll get through my loneliness, and keep going. Because that’s what I do. My life is too full and complicated for a fix to that problem any time soon.
I will get through my flare, through my concerns, through all the mess I need to. I got this, and I’ll continue to handle this.
I just need to breathe. A few tears may fall. My temperature is elevated to 99.1°f – and I don’t run hotter than 97.6°f. Ever. But I got this. I’m handling this. U