Hear Them Breathe

I hear them breathe.

All of them. All 4 of my precious creatures.

I get to spend every night under the same roof as every single one of my babies now.

I get to hear them laugh. Hear them bicker. Hear them have regular little conversations.

I get to see their messes. See their faces. Touch them and hug them. They let me be their clingy mom still. For I’m their mother and their mommy.

I couldn’t be happier! My babies are all here with me; where they belong.

It’s been my dream all along, just to be with them. To hear them be. To see them grow. To be their mommy.

To just be here. With them. Together. My little family! All I have ever wanted were my babies together. To be able to lay down at night and know they’re here with me. To close my eyes and listen vey carefully To the sounds of the night…

To hear them sleep. To hear them breathe.

I gave them life. They give me a reason to live.


My Heart Doesn’t Have To Be Broken

He’s home.

The only boy, or man who will ever hold my heart forever, no matter what he does.

Unconditionally, and unwavering. The only or who I will always want to see. No matter what!

Who’s beautiful hazel eyes sparkle when I tell him I love him, just as they have since he first heard those words and learned to say them back!

I LOVE saying his name and having him look at me. Having him see how much I still love him and always have! Always will. From the moment I laid my eyes on him, I’ve been in love!

I love saying, “Son.”

I love hearing, “Mom.” in his 13yr old man voice.

My heart can finally heal from the ache of my baby being taken from me, so so long ago.

A wee 5yr old mama’s boy, swooped away by his biological father in an angry fit. Now to be returned for SOOOOO long.

My boy is home. MY BOY! My son.

My only son! My beautiful, sweet, not so little anymore because he’s at least 2 inches taller than me, little boy is HOME.

I’ve cried tears of relief that I wasn’t even sure I’d ever cry. I love these joyfully, wondrous tears. I was unsure they’d ever fall, yet here we are.

My heart doesn’t have to be broken anymore. He’s home. MY son. My only son is here with me. Where he belongs.

I feel whole again.

Burned into My System.

There’s so many forms of pain, and I’m oddly angry at the universe for putting me through SO many of those various forms of agony.

However at the same time, I’m thankful in a strange way. In some very twisted ways, I feel like though my heart is tattered, torn, and ratted from the impossible situations I’ve survived… There’s still a beauty to the way I have cradled it within myself.

The way I’ve stuffed it full of whatever love I could muster, and said, “I choose to live anyway. To love regardless. Because we all deserve that.”

The disgusting irony is that I happen to love you the most, and you can’t even look me in the eye anymore; nor can I you, so there’s no hope for the love deserved. That I deserve. That I need.

There’s no happy ending for me. I choose loneliness over a false, a substitute, a filler. I’m fine being just a full heart, broken and tattered. We have a silly love story that can’t be told.

Shhh. My dirty little secret. Don’t speak of it. They might hear you and then for ONCE you’d have to man up for your mistakes. Tell the truth, and pull down the wall of lies you’ve surrounded yourself with. Ignorance is bliss, but your ignorance isn’t blissful, is it? It’s just more “happy” mistakes.

You’re my favorite mistake. A mistake never regretted, but forever burned into my system. Burnt like a never healing slice in my heart! You’re burned into my nervous system and I can’t get rid of you. You’re part of who I am. No matter if we never speak again.

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