Turn It Off

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Tonight I lay in pain. Pain inside and out. Emotional, physical and just all around pain. 

I have been struggling all day, though I kept my head up. I smiled, did what I was supposed to do, and kept going. I mothered the children, went grocery shopping, trimmed the dog, fed the cats, etc. I held it together. I almost broke down in tears of pain multiple times. Both from physical and emotional pain. 

I don’t want to go through the garbage of dating. It’s so hard to deal with people. It’s annoying to try to figure out who likes you, who doesn’t. What’s the right amount of contact, what’s not. Who’s going to do what, blah blah blah. So much STUFF to do now, I just want it to be easier. I hate having to talk about myself. My kids. My living situation. My illnesses. My broken heart. My everything. And I can’t just NOT talk about it, because that’s just not who I am, and I would like to be honest with whomever I am with. 

So here I am in a world of dating where in order to DATE I have to lie abbot who I am, what’s going on in my life, and everything abbot me in order to actually get someone to date me. Then what? Creep it on him slowly and hope he likes me enough to stick around? That’s just ugly and dishonest. I can’t live like that. 

Or I go back to having a friends with benefits, and have all the physical benefits but when he realizes he’s getting feeling for me, which they always do, he flips out and acts like a total dipshit. Because the only guys who like fwb are immature jerks. 

So instead I am lonely. I am tired. I am hurt and frustrated with everything that use the dating scene. I’m hurt and frustrated with everything that has happened to me to screw me up this much. I’m hurt and frustrated with my chronically ill body. With my finances. My everything. I’m emotional because my body is an enemy when it should be an ally. 
I’m frustrated because I know I’ll never get over what happened to me until I can move on. I don’t even want to think about the emotional turmoil my heart has been pot through in the last year alone, and now that I’m ready to try to date, the waters are muddy and the dating scene is a joke. 

I have no idea why I have dating profiles, our apps. I have no idea why I accepts offers for dates. It seems if I don’t put out immediately, they lose interest and move on to the next girl who will. Which is perfectly fine, because they should be with the next girl if that’s all they want. I’m a highly sexual person, however it needs to be with that one person I choose. 
Today my joints are on fire. Feet, knees, hips; all the way up to my jaw. My gums are swollen, and my teeth just don’t feel right. It’s so strange how such a silly thing can make me feel so wrong. I close my mouth, and I just want to cry. So few understand what’s going on inside my body, and even fewer want to listen. It’s such a difficulty having your body crash, and change in such odd ways for no real reason. It makes me feel like a failure, because it MUST have been something I did. I must have eaten something I’m allergic to. Pushed myself too hard! Didn’t do things the right way, and now my body is acting out. But how can I exist in the world and not push myself? In already judged so harshly… I have things I must do, and sadly to accomplish tasks, sometimes by the next morning, in a swollen mess of a person. I’m nothing but misery and inflammation. I’m not even touchable. Kissable. Huggable. Because it will hurt me. It will hurt me physically, and as time has proven over and over again, my physical pain always ends up as someone’s emotional pain… Though they rarely Aaron to understand why it continuously affects me. 

My tongue hurts, and so talking was difficult and painful. My fingers all swollen, as well as elbows, shoulders, and neck. My back is simply a hone at this point! Degenerative disc disease, my entire cervical spine littered with fractures, bone spurs from tail bone to skull, multiple schmorls nodes, and herniated discs. Enough to make anyone want to jump out of their skin. But me? I carry on smiling and trying my damndest to be ok. My hemicrania continua in full effect and trigeminal neuropathy on top of it isn’t much fun, and makes it hard to even focus on what’s going on in front of me. Even my own family gets annoyed and tells me I can’t focus. People get frustrated having to repeat themselves. I just want to hide away and melt into the dirt sometimes. I’m convinced I’ll die alone…

Not because I am a bad person, but because people in general don’t have patience or time for someone like me; minus awful, manipulative men. I refuse to spend my time with humans who have ugly souls. Those who can’t handle me, don’t deserve me. I’m a vey kind, patient, and loving person. Funny that becoming what I am now has brought me even more humility, and ability to care for others in a deep and understanding manner. It has allowed me to see what’s truly important. 

Family. Self truth. Whether yours differs from mine, it is your truth and mine is my truth, and that’s ok. Being there for humans in general. Making sure nobody feels alone in this world. Not a single person. 

So basically: Love. Love is the most important thing in this world! 

This is why I am having such a hard time tonight. Because I have this amazing love to share… and I would love a wonderful companion… however so many have deemed me unworthy of their love based on such awful and superficial reasons. This hurts my heart. Though I know it makes them truly unworthy of what I have to offer, it simply breaks my heart that so many people exist in the world with such ugly views. Not that everyone must give me a chance, and love me, blah blah blah. That’s just silly. I’m simply heartbroken by the amount of disgusting, ugly, awful messages I’ve gotten. By the wishy washy interest. By the ups and downs of casual dating life. By the way I’m treated for being an honest person, when so many want to be fed lies, because that’s all they know how to feed others. 

I don’t want to be fed any more lies. I don’t want to be lead on, or asked for pictures of myself anymore. I’m tired of being told I should go out with someone because we’re both “hot”. I am craving a CONNECTION. Not a romp in your bedroom. I want to feel something in my heart, not my groin. Something powerful inside my soul! Not an orgasm. 

I want a soul connection. Instead I’m alone in bed yet again. Disjointed, and disappointed with the male gender for what seems like my entire life. “SINGLE” for 4 years now, even though I have been told I was “loved” only half a year ago. 

My heart CRAVES you. Whoever you are. Whatever reason I’m hurting, and waiting. Perhaps I’ll always be a lost soul, meant to wander this earth lonely and seeking my kindred spirit. Perhaps I’m a whole person, never to find my pair. This pain inside is to remain for all time, and my illnesses are here to help me carry that blow. 

I’m an attractive, funny, fun, and kind human. I love hard, and I give freely. I care very much for those who I grow fond of. 

But tonight I hurt all over. Inside and out. Head to toe. Heart to head. I just wish I could turn it all off. 

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