I lay awake in the wee hours of the morning, my heart suddenly struck by a now all too familiar pain. It’s been nearly a year since I plummeted into your eyes. Into your heart. Since I lost myself in your arms, and gave you my heart.
I have changed so much since then, and yet remained so much the same. My chest often tightens, holding back the emotions I long to release. I’ve been trying to let go of you for what feels like an eternity. I’m very aware there’s no cure for this. No cure for a broken heart except time.
At times like these I can’t help but wonder if I am pulled into this grief not because I am sad, or heart broken today… but because you are. There’s no denying we once had such a connection, and I sometimes wonder if it’s still there. I’ve often felt suddenly overwhelmed by emotions that didn’t feel as though they belonged to me, or the moment I was in, and I have fought with myself for far too long on the origins of these outbursts. Either answer, I am led to feel slightly crazy.
I miss you every minute of every day, contrary to no longer wanting you in my life. You tore my heart from my chest, stomped on it, and walked away, as if I were nothing to you. Making a new life within a few short weeks of your last ” I love you” whispered in my ear. Our last embrace.. Such a short time between when your lips last touched mine, and life sprung inside your new lover. My heart cannot heal from that betrayal. To know you left me alone in my heartache to spend time with her is too much for my heart to handle. I didn’t deserve that.
When I see you, my heart flutters and dies at the same time, like an endless dance in a morbid over dramatic theatrical death scene. I can’t even look at you without wanting to hug you and run from you simultaneously. Never to see you or touch you again. Yet, it kills me to not hear your voice and know your friendship. To not hear your laugh. Feel your arms wrap around me in a warm hug at the end of the day. To not hear you tell me about your misadventures, ideas, and worries. I can’t stand to miss out on you, yet I don’t want you near me. Such a contradiction of heart I’ve never felt before.
I lay in bed, tears on my cheeks, pillow soaked in a pitiful sorrow that should be long forgotten. I despise how much I love you. I want to forget that you exist, yet I think of you every minute of every day. It’s the most agonizing thing my heart has ever been through. I nearly hate you for this, yet I am incapable of feeling that emotion for you. I know not what the purpose of this was, or why this attachment still exists. But it does… And it’s pure misery. I often ignore the emotions and feelings associated with you. Avoid your name, any subject that has to do with you, and stuff it all inside. I can’t live day to day with you on my mind and in my chest, pounding through my ribcage. That’s utter nonsense. Such ugliness.
It’s 4:55am, and I have yet to sleep. You have flooded my dreams this week, and my heart cannot take any more! It’s agony to feel the way I feel. I have never loathed and loved someone at the same time, and the conflicting emotions make me feel as crazy as the Mad Hatter. I’m both Alice and the psychologically unstable top hat toting, tea drinking mad man; down into Wonderland, to be completely amazed and also totally psychotic. Lovely. I’ve lost my head.
Love has never been my strong suit, but when I fall it’s like falling from Everest. I fall hard and fast. I fall far! When I hit the ground, it hurts. I don’t know what it was that tripped me up, possibly your words (which I’ll never know what was truth and what was lies), or possibly just an unspoken trust from years of knowing one another. Either way, the heartache that comes along with losing you is like none I’ve ever felt before. It’s even worse that you don’t seem to mind half as much as I ever have. Not even a single bit as much as I do.
Drive the stake into my heart further, J. It’s no big deal. It’s just my feelings. What are those to you anyway? Not your problem, right? Empathy never was your thing.
Insomnia has been a long time friend of mine, and looking back at my life it’s no surprise. Night time has been a scary time for me since childhood. It’s just the cards I was delt. It always gets worse when my heart is heavy. But when you were around, sleep came so much easier. Soothing sounds of your slumber. It was like a puzzle piece to my life.
I miss you tonight, and I don’t know why. I went to bed missing my new found lover. He’s kind, funny, and we get along so well. He fits well into my puzzle. But it was almost as though my lonely heart had to remind me who it truly belongs to, and that regardless of how much I try, I am not in ownership of my own heart. That it is not mine to give away to another. Not that it was my intentions now, or anytime soon. I’m in no rush to ever give that tattered old heart to anyone EVER the fuck again.
I want my heart back one day, please. I simply wish I knew how to get it back from you. Maybe one day you’ll finally let it go.