I was jerked awake at 3:45am. My heart heavy, and tears in my eyes before I even opened them. I don’t know what I was dreaming.
My body is howling with agony, and I’m miserable from having eaten dairy. Am I lactose intolerant? Not typically, but I have multiple autoimmune diseases, and if you know anything about the body and such ailments, you know it’s possible to develop new allergies at any time. I have celiac, and I’ve had issues with dairy in the past. We’ll have to see what happens after I clear my system and feel better. I’ll try adding it back to my diet and see how I react.
However that’s not what jerked me awake. My heart has been heavy all evening, even before I fell asleep. I have no idea what I was dreaming, and why I’m wide awake, broken hearted, tears on my face and pillow. Sometimes emotions just come at the most inopportune times.
I saw him on Sunday; the one who broke my heart. It was hard. He looked so very stressed out and unhappy. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. Kiss his face and tell him everything was going to be ok. Rub his neck, like I used to. Hold him close and just comfort his stressed soul. I also couldn’t look him in the eye. I couldn’t be close to him. I wanted to run away the second he got there, but my children were stalling, and taking forever to gather their belongings.
I saw him at his sister’s house. A woman I adore so very much. One of my lifelong best friends. Oh my heart hurts even more just thinking about the encounter. I’m stressed from the sight of his pregnant girlfriend. They were there to pick up furniture from my dear friend for their new apartment. I am so proud of him for the distance he’s come in such a short time, and I truly hope for nothing but happiness for him. I simply wish my eyes did not have to lay upon the two of them together.
She seems so territorial, which is silly, because he and I do not speak. Because I have asked him to stay out of my life, and he has barely even spoken to me. He has been an oddly watchful eye here and there, and I’m unsure why he’s done such, after what he did to me, but I’m sure her territorial ways are unjust. She stares at me with an odd look on her face which makes me extra uncomfortable. I’m unsure of what Jeremiah has said of me, but perhaps that’s the reason for her look. Or perhaps that’s just her face.
Either way, I did not enjoy the encounter. It was uncomfortable, awkward, and could have been avoided. He knew I was there. He was told I was going to be there. That we were there for the weekend. I was told he was coming that day, but expected later than he arrived. Why on earth did he arrive so early? A once always late to the party boy now an hour and a half early to pick up furniture? Hmm.
Either way, I needed out. Either way, my head hurt all day from the encounter. Migraine City for days afterward. It was awful. I can’t control my emotions when it comes to this man, and I hate myself for it. I try to laugh it off, and I can’t. I try to reason with myself, and can’t! I try to sooth myself, and simply can’t. There is no cure for a break in my heart this big, and each time I see him it rips me wide open again. I need to not see him, and yet I long for him. The contradictions that are my feelings at this point are just painfully comical. Rousing torture. I want to move on. There must be someone out there who can help me feel distracted.
I had someone distracting me for months. He was kind, and sexy. However over time he became awkward and his behavior changed one day. Upon inquiry on his mistreatment of me, he suggested we part ways. He implied he’s no good at dealing with his emotions, and emotional attachments. That he is not good at expressing himself, and he’s not ready for a relationship. Hmm… Another full grown man who became attached to me and got terrified. However instead of dealing with it, manning up and giving it a chance, he runs. That’s fine. I was not hurt because I had not yet become as emotionally attached to him, which was likely sensed, and why he was so scared of his feelings. They were not reciprocal. I’m sorry, Kevin.
I do want to find a mutual love. I simply don’t know if that’s possible while I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, tears in my eyes, Jeremiah on my mind, and a broken heart. I am trying so hard. However I am fully aware that the anniversary of when we first started hanging it is coming up soon, and it’s heavy upon me.
Last week a memory came up in my Facebook memories that shook me. I hadn’t recalled posting it, but it hurt like hell to see it. It went something to the effect of, “Something big is coming. I don’t know what it is, but it’s going to change me forever.” I have no idea what was going on that day, as I don’t even recall posting, but I obviously felt him coming.
It was the last week of July he messaged me, telling me he was home. Telling me I was beautiful. Asking me for my company. So awkward, and I rejected his inquiries many times. I had never EVER looked at him in that fashion! I’m not like that. Not at all. But he won me over by August. And thus began a journey that would change me forever… I felt it coming. I wish I knew what he would mean to me. I would have changed so many things.