I Wish I Knew

I was jerked awake at 3:45am. My heart heavy, and tears in my eyes before I even opened them. I don’t know what I was dreaming. 

My body is howling with agony, and I’m miserable from having eaten dairy. Am I lactose intolerant? Not typically, but I have multiple autoimmune diseases, and if you know anything about the body and such ailments, you know it’s possible to develop new allergies at any time. I have celiac, and I’ve had issues with dairy in the past. We’ll have to see what happens after I clear my system and feel better. I’ll try adding it back to my diet and see how I react. 
However that’s not what jerked me awake. My heart has been heavy all evening, even before I fell asleep. I have no idea what I was dreaming, and why I’m wide awake, broken hearted, tears on my face and pillow. Sometimes emotions just come at the most inopportune times. 

I saw him on Sunday; the one who broke my heart. It was hard. He looked so very stressed out and unhappy. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and comfort him. Kiss his face and tell him everything was going to be ok. Rub his neck, like I used to. Hold him close and just comfort his stressed soul. I also couldn’t look him in the eye. I couldn’t be close to him. I wanted to run away the second he got there, but my children were stalling, and taking forever to gather their belongings. 

I saw him at his sister’s house. A woman I adore so very much. One of my lifelong best friends. Oh my heart hurts even more just thinking about the encounter. I’m stressed from the sight of his pregnant girlfriend. They were there to pick up furniture from my dear friend for their new apartment. I am so proud of him for the distance he’s come in such a short time, and I truly hope for nothing but happiness for him. I simply wish my eyes did not have to lay upon the two of them together. 

She seems so territorial, which is silly, because he and I do not speak. Because I have asked him to stay out of my life, and he has barely even spoken to me. He has been an oddly watchful eye here and there, and I’m unsure why he’s done such, after what he did to me, but I’m sure her territorial ways are unjust. She stares at me with an odd look on her face which makes me extra uncomfortable. I’m unsure of what Jeremiah has said of me, but perhaps that’s the reason for her look. Or perhaps that’s just her face. 

Either way, I did not enjoy the encounter. It was uncomfortable, awkward, and could have been avoided. He knew I was there. He was told I was going to be there. That we were there for the weekend. I was told he was coming that day, but expected later than he arrived. Why on earth did he arrive so early? A once always late to the party boy now an hour and a half early to pick up furniture? Hmm. 

Either way, I needed out. Either way, my head hurt all day from the encounter. Migraine City for days afterward. It was awful. I can’t control my emotions when it comes to this man, and I hate myself for it. I try to laugh it off, and I can’t. I try to reason with myself, and can’t! I try to sooth myself, and simply can’t. There is no cure for a break in my heart this big, and each time I see him it rips me wide open again. I need to not see him, and yet I long for him. The contradictions that are my feelings at this point are just painfully comical. Rousing torture. I want to move on. There must be someone out there who can help me feel distracted. 

I had someone distracting me for months. He was kind, and sexy. However over time he became awkward and his behavior changed one day. Upon inquiry on his mistreatment of me, he suggested we part ways. He implied he’s no good at dealing with his emotions, and emotional attachments. That he is not good at expressing himself, and he’s not ready for a relationship. Hmm… Another full grown man who became attached to me and got terrified. However instead of dealing with it, manning up and giving it a chance, he runs. That’s fine. I was not hurt because I had not yet become as emotionally attached to him, which was likely sensed, and why he was so scared of his feelings. They were not reciprocal. I’m sorry, Kevin. 

I do want to find a mutual love. I simply don’t know if that’s possible while I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, tears in my eyes, Jeremiah on my mind, and a broken heart. I am trying so hard. However I am fully aware that the anniversary of when we first started hanging it is coming up soon, and it’s heavy upon me. 

Last week a memory came up in my Facebook memories that shook me. I hadn’t recalled posting it, but it hurt like hell to see it. It went something to the effect of, “Something big is coming. I don’t know what it is, but it’s going to change me forever.” I have no idea what was going on that day, as I don’t even recall posting, but I obviously felt him coming. 

It was the last week of July he messaged me, telling me he was home. Telling me I was beautiful. Asking me for my company. So awkward, and I rejected his inquiries many times. I had never EVER looked at him in that fashion! I’m not like that. Not at all. But he won me over by August. And thus began a journey that would change me forever… I felt it coming. I wish I knew what he would mean to me. I would have changed so many things. 


Proverbial Fuckery

I think the worst part about suicidal thoughts is the guilt. I feel so guilty for even having them. Like such a hypocrite. I am always trying to stay so positive and upbeat, trying to keep my head up on even the worst days. So when I just have a break down and can’t handle it, and the thoughts start flowing in about how I can’t handle this anymore. The anxiety starts to take over… and I just want to end it… that’s when the guilt kicks in. 

It hits me like a ton of bricks as well. Like I’m such a bad person for being so fake and acting so happy all the time. Like I’m just such a fucking mess and I should just be that mess. However I know if I do that, I will fall into a deep depression again and actually kill myself. I’ve done it before, barely made out, because my mom found me, and took me to the ER for an overdose. I was in a coma for two days. From a Sunday evening to that Tuesday afternoon. I was sick for weeks! 

I’m a mother. A damn good one. But my mother doesn’t think so. She made that vey clear tonight when we were arguing about my teenage daughter and what she’s doing with her life. My mom made it clear tonight that she sees me as a very unfit parent. She’s made comments in the past about giving up my children to the foster care system because I’m so sick and can’t work, and someone else can take care of them. She thinks they need a mother who can cook and clean for them. My girls are 17, 10, and 7. We also live in an apartment inside a huge house where I live with friends who cook for me and my girls. 

My mom doesn’t agree with my lifestyle. She’s made that very clear. My oldest daughter makes me out to be an evil witch to everyone. She makes me out to be a drunken slut, apparently. Someone who only screams, sits around and then goes and has sex with random strangers. 

This couldn’t be farther from the truth.

It’s such an ugly time in my life, and I really don’t want to be in it. I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been, but I feel like my life will always be a painful shit show. That I’ll always be pushing  facade of happiness, and finding things to be happy about. Sweet tea. Coffee. My favorite slippers. I choose to be happy. I make myself happy. I ignore as much of my unhappiness as possible everyday. I focus on things that make me smile. Like the sunsets. The giggles of adorable little goofy kids. The smell of rain. Not the feel, because it kills me when it rains. 

Tonight I feel so betrayed by my family and I am suicidal. I know I won’t take action, but my anxiety is crazy high. I’m in an intense amount of physical and emotional pain. My mother basically told me what a terrible mother I am, though I’ve never done the same to her.

She raised us in a polygamist environment, but not only that, it was a highly abusive one. My father was very physically abusive, grabbing at arms, legs, hair, whatever he could when he was upset. Slapping, spanking, whipping, you name it. Belts, spoons, spatulas, sticks, anything he could hit us with. Hours standing in corners. A dozen or more of us lined up in a row to get our hands beat because someone stole and nobody would admit it. My step mother was even worse. This all just before the age of 7, and I haven’t even mentioned the sexual abuse I endured that began before I could talk. 

Her second marriage to another polygamist family that made her a second wife again, which occurred when I was only 12 included a plethora of babysitting children (including a severely handicapped sister), doing endless chores, and living with disgusting charges pedophiles. They seemed to think it was quite alright to touch, poke, and peek in on me whenever they saw fit. When I defended myself against an attempted sexual assault, I was punished and made to stay home from any activities for months! Which included my birthday, while my attacker was able to roam free, and even attended  church dance on my 13th birthday. 

But yet, I’ve never stood in front of my mother and blamed my long standing issues from all my trauma on her directly. I have never stomped my foot and demanded she make right all the wrongs in my life! Fix everything she messed up! That she was to blame for every bad thing and every fault in my stars. 

Yet here she is… taking sides with my teenage daughter, blaming me for my daughter’s depression and bad attitude. Regardless of the fact that I’ve worked so hard to provide a good environment despite my downfalls. Despite our struggles. Despite everything that’s gone wrong in our life.

I have now been diagnosed with a plethora of medical ailments, as well as cptsd. Rheumatoid arthritis, osteoarthritis, hemicrania continua, degenerative disc disease, multiple schmorls nodes in my spine, a herniated disc in my lumbar, spinal nodules, cervical spinal fractures, gerd, severe ibs, celiac disease, fibromyalgia, as well as other issues. 

My entire life right now feels like a shit show. Like I’m going to suffer every damn day, forever. Like life is just going to continue to proverbially fuck me while I admire the sunsets, and drink my sweet tea… And pretend everything is ok. When it’s really REALLY just not.

Turn It Off

Tonight I lay in pain. Pain inside and out. Emotional, physical and just all around pain. 

I have been struggling all day, though I kept my head up. I smiled, did what I was supposed to do, and kept going. I mothered the children, went grocery shopping, trimmed the dog, fed the cats, etc. I held it together. I almost broke down in tears of pain multiple times. Both from physical and emotional pain. 

I don’t want to go through the garbage of dating. It’s so hard to deal with people. It’s annoying to try to figure out who likes you, who doesn’t. What’s the right amount of contact, what’s not. Who’s going to do what, blah blah blah. So much STUFF to do now, I just want it to be easier. I hate having to talk about myself. My kids. My living situation. My illnesses. My broken heart. My everything. And I can’t just NOT talk about it, because that’s just not who I am, and I would like to be honest with whomever I am with. 

So here I am in a world of dating where in order to DATE I have to lie abbot who I am, what’s going on in my life, and everything abbot me in order to actually get someone to date me. Then what? Creep it on him slowly and hope he likes me enough to stick around? That’s just ugly and dishonest. I can’t live like that. 

Or I go back to having a friends with benefits, and have all the physical benefits but when he realizes he’s getting feeling for me, which they always do, he flips out and acts like a total dipshit. Because the only guys who like fwb are immature jerks. 

So instead I am lonely. I am tired. I am hurt and frustrated with everything that use the dating scene. I’m hurt and frustrated with everything that has happened to me to screw me up this much. I’m hurt and frustrated with my chronically ill body. With my finances. My everything. I’m emotional because my body is an enemy when it should be an ally. 
I’m frustrated because I know I’ll never get over what happened to me until I can move on. I don’t even want to think about the emotional turmoil my heart has been pot through in the last year alone, and now that I’m ready to try to date, the waters are muddy and the dating scene is a joke. 

I have no idea why I have dating profiles, our apps. I have no idea why I accepts offers for dates. It seems if I don’t put out immediately, they lose interest and move on to the next girl who will. Which is perfectly fine, because they should be with the next girl if that’s all they want. I’m a highly sexual person, however it needs to be with that one person I choose. 
Today my joints are on fire. Feet, knees, hips; all the way up to my jaw. My gums are swollen, and my teeth just don’t feel right. It’s so strange how such a silly thing can make me feel so wrong. I close my mouth, and I just want to cry. So few understand what’s going on inside my body, and even fewer want to listen. It’s such a difficulty having your body crash, and change in such odd ways for no real reason. It makes me feel like a failure, because it MUST have been something I did. I must have eaten something I’m allergic to. Pushed myself too hard! Didn’t do things the right way, and now my body is acting out. But how can I exist in the world and not push myself? In already judged so harshly… I have things I must do, and sadly to accomplish tasks, sometimes by the next morning, in a swollen mess of a person. I’m nothing but misery and inflammation. I’m not even touchable. Kissable. Huggable. Because it will hurt me. It will hurt me physically, and as time has proven over and over again, my physical pain always ends up as someone’s emotional pain… Though they rarely Aaron to understand why it continuously affects me. 

My tongue hurts, and so talking was difficult and painful. My fingers all swollen, as well as elbows, shoulders, and neck. My back is simply a hone at this point! Degenerative disc disease, my entire cervical spine littered with fractures, bone spurs from tail bone to skull, multiple schmorls nodes, and herniated discs. Enough to make anyone want to jump out of their skin. But me? I carry on smiling and trying my damndest to be ok. My hemicrania continua in full effect and trigeminal neuropathy on top of it isn’t much fun, and makes it hard to even focus on what’s going on in front of me. Even my own family gets annoyed and tells me I can’t focus. People get frustrated having to repeat themselves. I just want to hide away and melt into the dirt sometimes. I’m convinced I’ll die alone…

Not because I am a bad person, but because people in general don’t have patience or time for someone like me; minus awful, manipulative men. I refuse to spend my time with humans who have ugly souls. Those who can’t handle me, don’t deserve me. I’m a vey kind, patient, and loving person. Funny that becoming what I am now has brought me even more humility, and ability to care for others in a deep and understanding manner. It has allowed me to see what’s truly important. 

Family. Self truth. Whether yours differs from mine, it is your truth and mine is my truth, and that’s ok. Being there for humans in general. Making sure nobody feels alone in this world. Not a single person. 

So basically: Love. Love is the most important thing in this world! 

This is why I am having such a hard time tonight. Because I have this amazing love to share… and I would love a wonderful companion… however so many have deemed me unworthy of their love based on such awful and superficial reasons. This hurts my heart. Though I know it makes them truly unworthy of what I have to offer, it simply breaks my heart that so many people exist in the world with such ugly views. Not that everyone must give me a chance, and love me, blah blah blah. That’s just silly. I’m simply heartbroken by the amount of disgusting, ugly, awful messages I’ve gotten. By the wishy washy interest. By the ups and downs of casual dating life. By the way I’m treated for being an honest person, when so many want to be fed lies, because that’s all they know how to feed others. 

I don’t want to be fed any more lies. I don’t want to be lead on, or asked for pictures of myself anymore. I’m tired of being told I should go out with someone because we’re both “hot”. I am craving a CONNECTION. Not a romp in your bedroom. I want to feel something in my heart, not my groin. Something powerful inside my soul! Not an orgasm. 

I want a soul connection. Instead I’m alone in bed yet again. Disjointed, and disappointed with the male gender for what seems like my entire life. “SINGLE” for 4 years now, even though I have been told I was “loved” only half a year ago. 

My heart CRAVES you. Whoever you are. Whatever reason I’m hurting, and waiting. Perhaps I’ll always be a lost soul, meant to wander this earth lonely and seeking my kindred spirit. Perhaps I’m a whole person, never to find my pair. This pain inside is to remain for all time, and my illnesses are here to help me carry that blow. 

I’m an attractive, funny, fun, and kind human. I love hard, and I give freely. I care very much for those who I grow fond of. 

But tonight I hurt all over. Inside and out. Head to toe. Heart to head. I just wish I could turn it all off. 

Let My Heart Go

I lay awake in the wee hours of the morning, my heart suddenly struck by a now all too familiar pain. It’s been nearly a year since I plummeted into your eyes. Into your heart. Since I lost myself in your arms, and gave you my heart. 

I have changed so much since then, and yet remained so much the same. My chest often tightens, holding back the emotions I long to release. I’ve been trying to let go of you for what feels like an eternity. I’m very aware there’s no cure for this. No cure for a broken heart except time. 

At times like these I can’t help but wonder if I am pulled into this grief not because I am sad, or heart broken today… but because you are. There’s no denying we once had such a connection, and I sometimes wonder if it’s still there. I’ve often felt suddenly overwhelmed by emotions that didn’t feel as though they belonged to me, or the moment I was in, and I have fought with myself for far too long on the origins of these outbursts. Either answer, I am led to feel slightly crazy. 

I miss you every minute of every day, contrary to no longer wanting you in my life. You tore my heart from my chest, stomped on it, and walked away, as if I were nothing to you. Making a new life within a few short weeks of your last ” I love you” whispered in my ear. Our last embrace.. Such a short time between when your lips last touched mine, and life sprung inside your new lover. My heart cannot heal from that betrayal. To know you left me alone in my heartache to spend time with her is too much for my heart to handle. I didn’t deserve that. 

When I see you, my heart flutters and dies at the same time, like an endless dance in a morbid over dramatic theatrical death scene. I can’t even look at you without wanting to hug you and run from you simultaneously. Never to see you or touch you again. Yet, it kills me to not hear your voice and know your friendship. To not hear your laugh. Feel your arms wrap around me in a warm hug at the end of the day. To not hear you tell me about your misadventures, ideas, and worries. I can’t stand to miss out on you, yet I don’t want you near me. Such a contradiction of heart I’ve never felt before. 

I lay in bed, tears on my cheeks, pillow soaked in a pitiful sorrow that should be long forgotten. I despise how much I love you. I want to forget that you exist, yet I think of you every minute of every day. It’s the most agonizing thing my heart has ever been through. I nearly hate you for this, yet I am incapable of feeling that emotion for you. I know not what the purpose of this was, or why this attachment still exists. But it does… And it’s pure misery. I often ignore the emotions and feelings associated with you. Avoid your name, any subject that has to do with you, and stuff it all inside. I can’t live day to day with you on my mind and in my chest, pounding through my ribcage. That’s utter nonsense. Such ugliness. 

It’s 4:55am, and I have yet to sleep. You have flooded my dreams this week, and my heart cannot take any more! It’s agony to feel the way I feel. I have never loathed and loved someone at the same time, and the conflicting emotions make me feel as crazy as the Mad Hatter. I’m both Alice and the psychologically unstable top hat toting, tea drinking mad man; down into Wonderland, to be completely amazed and also totally psychotic. Lovely. I’ve lost my head.

Love has never been my strong suit, but when I fall it’s like falling from Everest. I fall hard and fast. I fall far! When I hit the ground, it hurts. I don’t know what it was that tripped me up, possibly your words (which I’ll never know what was truth and what was lies), or possibly just an unspoken trust from years of knowing one another. Either way, the heartache that comes along with losing you is like none I’ve ever felt before. It’s even worse that you don’t seem to mind half as much as I ever have. Not even a single bit as much as I do. 

Drive the stake into my heart further, J. It’s no big deal. It’s just my feelings. What are those to you anyway? Not your problem, right? Empathy never was your thing. 

Insomnia has been a long time friend of mine, and looking back at my life it’s no surprise. Night time has been a scary time for me since childhood. It’s just the cards I was delt. It always gets worse when my heart is heavy. But when you were around, sleep came so much easier. Soothing sounds of your slumber. It was like a puzzle piece to my life. 

I miss you tonight, and I don’t know why. I went to bed missing my new found lover. He’s kind, funny, and we get along so well. He fits well into my puzzle. But it was almost as though my lonely heart had to remind me who it truly belongs to, and that regardless of how much I try, I am not in ownership of my own heart. That it is not mine to give away to another. Not that it was my intentions now, or anytime soon. I’m in no rush to ever give that tattered old heart to anyone EVER the fuck again.

I want my heart back one day, please. I simply wish I knew how to get it back from you. Maybe one day you’ll finally let it go. 

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