I’m Broken But Not Alone

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Today I had an MRI of my cervical spine.  Today I got up and went to the Provo Utah hospital.  I got in my gown,  took out all my piercings,  got doped up on the valium,  because I’m claustrophobic and being in that machine for 45 minutes will make me lose my cool.  Bad.  I got my scans,  and got out… then was called in again for more scans… weird,  but I did it.  And like usual, I checked my results online within a few hours.  Because I’m a curious human and I never wait for my Dr to give me my results.  

I was devistated. 

I have degenerative disc disease of the cervical spine,  with at least one 1mm bone spur, and at least one fracture. 

My heart sunk into my stomache,  and tears filled my eyes.  I’m seriously not ok with this.  It was not what I expected,  and not at all what I was thinking at all.  This is not something that can be handled by medications.  It’s not curable.  It’s not operable. Wtf? 

We’ll see what the next step is… but I’m not a happy human.  

I have another appointment next week to check the damage to my nerves and muscles. My bones aren’t doing so good.  My Dr expected to find nothing.  NOTHING.  Instead we found DIGENERATIVE FUCKING DISC DISEASE. 

I’m incredibly upset. I’m falling apart. I’m only 32 and my cervical spine is in wrecks.  It’s inoperable.  It’s treatable with chiropractic care and pain meds.  

I imagine we’ll check the rest of my spine for damage.  An MRI to see the full damage. It’s scary,  and I’m very unhappy. I’ve spent the day in bed sleeping,  and crying.  Then the rest with the Raynors, cooking,  making smoothies and watching movies.  

There’s only so much you can do about bad news.  We had plans tonight, and I wanted to follow through.  I didn’t want to disappoint my kids or theirs. I spent the first half of my day in pain, both physical and emotional,  and the rest laughing and snuggling with beautiful faces.  Playing with children I adore,  and watching Moana. Eating fruit smoothies and popcorn. Celebrating life,  because though my heart is breaking that my body is falling apart, my life is happening right now.  And if I don’t spend it with those I love and care about,  I’ll miss out on it now. 

So,  I’ll give love to those who are important to me.  Because that’s what I need in return. Because I’m in an amazing home.  With amazing humans. And I’m lucky to be here.  To be with this family,  who is willing to not only take me and my girls in, but be my family.  

So I may be falling apart. I may be broken inside and out.  But I’m going to be ok.  Because I have a home.  

I may be broken,  but I’m not alone.  

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