I Will Rebuild

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For those of you thinking that I’m outspoken and so public about my life for pity and for the attention, I say this.  
It’s crazy personal and honestly very scary to share such heartache. To speak of such hardships and admit the failures and mistakes I’ve made.  To admit the uselessness I feel,  and inability to function.  On a physical or, even emotional, level. It’s not an easy thing to admit. 
I decided a long time ago that no matter how embarrassing,  I was to face my hurt, my downfalls,  shortcomings, and even the betrayals bestowed upon me because the abuse by the hands of another was by no fault of my own.  My autoimmune diseases and issues are by no fault of my own.  I can only control so much,  and that is how I handle myself and how I raise my children. 
It’s not a bad thing to love and to trust another human.  Giving our unconditional love,  and allowing another into our deepest of broken parts is beautiful.  It’s is they who are at fault for breaking that love and trust,  and destroying the beauty that we offered. I can only offer my heart,  my trust,  my love and hope that is not taken for granted. 
It’s so hard to sit back and be ok after all this,  and it’s going to take time to regain myself after this turmoil.  But I’ll be ok eventually.  I’ll regain my emotional footing. I’ll get back on my usual positive vibe,  and be the strong, wonderful, always looking forward human I try to be! I’ll fight and FIGHT for the woman I am! 
Sometimes we are allowed to feel defeated and hurt.  Right now I feel so very defeated. I feel used up,  walked over,  and ever so unloved. I feel sucked dry of my ability to trust, and give myself to men in any way whatsoever.  To even be touched in any way by a man and have it be good.  I feel so very dirty, and gross. 
My body and soul are beautiful,  this I know.  However right now they are under repair because two humans, known to each other,  worked together to break me down and destroy me from my core to my skin.  From my head to my toes,  and to the depths of my soul.  Shattering every bit of comfort and self confidence in my ability to give myself to another human with love and trust.  
I’ll recover,  however I am under construction.  I must close myself down completely and rebuild this beautiful human.  I must tear down the walls once touched by the hands, lips, and false words of JR and AN. Every last drop of their presence must be removed from my being,  stripped away and made anew before I can feel safe in my own skin again.  Only then will I feel beautiful and honest with myself,  and ready to meet him,  whoever he may be.  
So judge me and use your harsh words against me. Whisper about my life,  and accuse me of such harsh ways.  It’s not anything other than what it is to me,  despite what the world may try to make it be.  I simply wanted to love, and instead was broken.  Now it’s time to learn to love me again.  

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