Bruised But Not Defeated

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Yesterday was the first time I’ve actually fully examined my body since the incident with Aaron. I have looked at my inner thighs,  and a bit at my pelvis bone before,  but was too upset to examine myself fully. 

I’ve been trying to deal with my stress and pain in so many different ways. I sing to myself in the car.  I sleep. I talk to people.  I always go to my therapist.  I have been venting via blogging. I have been distracting myself by not thinking about it.  Since posting my blog about the incident and finding out about the truth about Jeremiah and everything that went on with him,  I’ve been trying not to think about any of it.  When I do,  I get very angry,  hurt,  and I break out in tears.  So I’ve been working on coping with it by doing positive things instead.  Spending time with the people and children in my life who make me smile,  and make me happy.  I really do have a lot of positive influences and people all around me. 

Since doing so,  my body has decided to cope in its own way.  First by reacting to the small amount of metal on my bra.  I broke out in hives all around the tiny metal clasps that adjust the straps on my back. It’s a sportswear bra,  so that’s the only metal on the entire thing,  and I’ve owned the bra for months! Never had an issue.  Suddenly I’m covered on my entire back,  and down my arms in tiny little bumps. Itchy,  painful, irritated little hives.  I wrapped the metal clasps in bandaids until I could get access to another comfortable bra.  What a very obnoxious reaction.  

Next my body started rejecting everything I ate, and decided to swell around my abdominal muscles. Doesn’t matter what I eat.  Fruit? Don’t digest it,  simply push it through and out the other end in 20 minutes or less! Goodbye! Potato? Egg? Everything! Meat,  veggies, popcorn, you name it! Out it goes! Sound painful? It is.  It’s very painful. I am not a happy camper. My body is very swollen, top half covered in hives,  and expelling all consumed foods. As you’ve likely guessed by now,  I’m pretty weak.  But I’m pushing through! 

Since I’m so itchy,  I decided I needed to start taking epsom salt baths again,  and headed to the store to purchase some.  While there,  I broke out in hives on my butt. Lovely.  Then my legs.  And my belly! So now my entire body, minus my head,  was covered in hives.  But these gives on my lower body were unprovoked by metals,  and were hice blisters. Big round bumps,  and not hive rashes.  By the end of the night,  they were also on my head.  In my hair.  Seriously! All over my body.  I’m a emotionally manifested hive covered crazy person.  That’s exactly how I feel.  

Cut to me actually getting into the bath, and treating my body with the epsom salts. Such a relief! However,  now here I am,  soaking in a hot bath,  unable to hide from my naked and bruised body.  In a shower I am upright,  and can avoid myself very easily.  I don’t look,  I can just skim over my body and avoid looking at it if I don’t want to, just washing and scrubbing,  basically avoiding looking at the details of my bruised and fragile parts; wounded and left with memories of what’s been done to me. Things I was not awake for, but left proof upon my skin. 
I finally layed in the tub, and looked at my thighs. Bruises left by fingers, and hands holding my heavy body when he wanted it, usually lifted by me, my muscles used so no marks are left. He didn’t think that through,  did he? That even just grabbing me and moving my leg would leave marks upon my milk white skin for weeks to come? 

My pelvis bruised black and blue. A wound he caused upon my labia. Things he was never informed,  because he need not know the damage he caused to my body. He must have caught my labia and not noticed, though had I been awake I’d have told him.  Perhaps that’s part of the pain that woke me. I will never understand how men can take women without consent.  

Looking over these bruises, turning yellow and so ugly now, so many wounds and marks left upon my flesh by someone who was supposed to care for me. Someone who had just asked me to move in with him, and had promised to love and protect me.  Someone who was going to be around my daughters. Someone who violated me in the weakest state he’d ever seen me. 

It broke my heart all over again. 

Sitting alone in the bath, soft music playing in the background, I began to cry. Before I realized it I was curled up in a ball, sobbing into my knees. The pain inside my tender body parts was nothing compared to the pain inside my soul. The betrayal and awfulness is indescribable, and I am trying my hardest to gather the strength to press charges against a lover turned rapist. 

He has broken me down to something and someone I don’t want to be. Between him and Jeremiah I feel like a weak and pathetic little girl. Someone that even the me I was just months ago would scoff at. I know I have the strength inside me somewhere to do this, however I need to regain my physical health and power in order to gain the emotional and mental power to follow through.  
I’m so afraid. I’m so hurt. I’m so sorry to myself for letting me down. For letting them in my heart, my head, and my bed. 

I am working in regaining my personal power. I’m getting it back. I’m bruised and broken for now, but I’m not defeated. I will get back up, and I will fight. I am fighting! I am just licking my wounds and letting myself heal before I head into another battle. 

I Will Rebuild

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For those of you thinking that I’m outspoken and so public about my life for pity and for the attention, I say this.  
It’s crazy personal and honestly very scary to share such heartache. To speak of such hardships and admit the failures and mistakes I’ve made.  To admit the uselessness I feel,  and inability to function.  On a physical or, even emotional, level. It’s not an easy thing to admit. 
I decided a long time ago that no matter how embarrassing,  I was to face my hurt, my downfalls,  shortcomings, and even the betrayals bestowed upon me because the abuse by the hands of another was by no fault of my own.  My autoimmune diseases and issues are by no fault of my own.  I can only control so much,  and that is how I handle myself and how I raise my children. 
It’s not a bad thing to love and to trust another human.  Giving our unconditional love,  and allowing another into our deepest of broken parts is beautiful.  It’s is they who are at fault for breaking that love and trust,  and destroying the beauty that we offered. I can only offer my heart,  my trust,  my love and hope that is not taken for granted. 
It’s so hard to sit back and be ok after all this,  and it’s going to take time to regain myself after this turmoil.  But I’ll be ok eventually.  I’ll regain my emotional footing. I’ll get back on my usual positive vibe,  and be the strong, wonderful, always looking forward human I try to be! I’ll fight and FIGHT for the woman I am! 
Sometimes we are allowed to feel defeated and hurt.  Right now I feel so very defeated. I feel used up,  walked over,  and ever so unloved. I feel sucked dry of my ability to trust, and give myself to men in any way whatsoever.  To even be touched in any way by a man and have it be good.  I feel so very dirty, and gross. 
My body and soul are beautiful,  this I know.  However right now they are under repair because two humans, known to each other,  worked together to break me down and destroy me from my core to my skin.  From my head to my toes,  and to the depths of my soul.  Shattering every bit of comfort and self confidence in my ability to give myself to another human with love and trust.  
I’ll recover,  however I am under construction.  I must close myself down completely and rebuild this beautiful human.  I must tear down the walls once touched by the hands, lips, and false words of JR and AN. Every last drop of their presence must be removed from my being,  stripped away and made anew before I can feel safe in my own skin again.  Only then will I feel beautiful and honest with myself,  and ready to meet him,  whoever he may be.  
So judge me and use your harsh words against me. Whisper about my life,  and accuse me of such harsh ways.  It’s not anything other than what it is to me,  despite what the world may try to make it be.  I simply wanted to love, and instead was broken.  Now it’s time to learn to love me again.