Today I’m feeling a lot. I can’t express the emotions because I’m not even sure what they are. It’s a sense of loss, a sense of self pity, and frustrations.
I don’t know why I try to date. I don’t know why I’ve been so willing to put myself out there and tell the world that I’m ready for love. I don’t know why I accept being told over and over again that my illnesses are the problem. That if it weren’t for being sick, I would be so wonderful. That I’m sexy, passionate, strong, and so smart! But this body of mine… this body that’s decided to give into itself, and attack itself, is the issue. Is this the truth, or such an easy out when I’m unwanted?
I’m having the hardest time today dealing with my issues because for the first time in awhile, I actually got my feelings hurt. I was real with someone up front, completely honest about everything, and I felt a connection. I felt something in me awaken, and it felt so good. It was very short lived, because just 7 days later this human gave me one of my very firsts. A first I never even considered would happen to me. I was turned down for a first kiss.
Even after he expressed many times that he wanted to. That he is interested in me. That he likes me on more than one level. That perhaps this awakened sense of belonging was mutual. After holding hands, and flirting again and again, all night, he said no. I asked him to kiss me… he said no, and left.
I’m sitting here, sick and in my worst situation I’ve ever been in, needing the affection and comfort of someone I’ve connected with, instead trying to hold back a strange sense of loss of something that wasn’t mine to begin with. Trying to grasp my silliness for falling for a false sense of common ground, and wondering if my desperation for human contact has blurred my vision of reality. That instead of protecting myself, I’ve actually put myself in a situation destined to hurt me.
I’m not sure how long this feeling will linger, or how much it will hurt in the end, but I know that right now my heart hurts more than my body. That I’m fighting back emotions. That I’m fighting off another ding to my self esteem, and trying to keep my head up. Reminding myself that there are people out there who would look past my disabilities and see me for who I am. But today it feels like I would have to beg for the much needed attention. I can’t bring myself to do that.
My heart hurts. My head hurts. My foot hurts. Hell, my entire body hurts. But most of all, my pride hurts. My hope hurts. My mind hurts. And my eyes hurt from the overwhelming urge to cry and let these feelings out. Instead I continue to choke back tears, because it feels so weak and pathetic to cry today. To cry over a man. To cry over hurt feelings. Like a child…
I meant to have direction in this blog post, but it’s turned into a ramblings of thoughts. I needed to get these feelings out, and tell someone how much I’m actually hurting. I can’t bring myself to admit it to the world, so I’ll admit it to wordpress.
I’m hurt. I’m sad. In trying to keep my head up, however it seems there is no end to the suffering and loneliness I feel.
I have a very bleak vision of my future, being forever single or settling for someone who doesn’t appreciate me just so I don’t have to be alone anymore. I love my freedom, but I miss companionship. I don’t know if I’ll ever have it. I’m broken, I’m damaged, and in so many eyes, I have nothing to offer. My personality, my love, and my SELF is not enough for the mentality of the throw away world we live in today.
But I’m sure each and every man that crosses my path knows that is not him. It’s me. I am bent, I am broken, I am not worth the effort. It’s not you… its me. Even though I have no choice but to live in this body, and you have the choice to judge me for it. Do you even realize you’re doing that?
I give up.