No.

Standard

It hurts. It all hurts. There is nothing I can do that I’m not already doing.

Last night I awoke three times choking on my own vomit. Not because I had been drinking. Not because I have the flu. But because I’m sick. I’ll always be sick.

Six weeks ago I was told they found a tumor. Cysts, a tumor, and overall my reproductive organs were not doing well. I had to wait to see the ob. Six weeks I had to wait. He’s a busy man, and I’m just one patient. I’d have seen another, but I’ve been seeing him for almost 4 years. So I waited.

The pain grew. I suffered through it. The pain changed. I suffered through it. Such is life. Such is my life. I suffer through it all.

Two weeks ago I was told they found a mass in my arm during an MRI from November. They didn’t think much of it, but sent me to a surgeon for what they thought was also a bursa effusion. I went. They checked me out, and wanted an MRI of my neck. The technician made a mistake and redid the MRI of my shoulder. What a putz.

What… a lucky mistake. Due to this mistake they were about to see that in just 3 months, the mass had grown a centimeter. Typical bone cysts and benign growths don’t grow that fast. This is concerning. He had it xrayed. He got a second opinion. He sent it off to another specialist.

It’s time to get tested for bone cancer.

Cancer.

It might be cancer.

“We just need to be careful and check for cancer.”

I told my ob, and he assured me that though the bone thing sounds like cancer, my tumor is likely benign. My uterus has thickened, and become solid tissue. The tumor sits inside like a little hat on top of the Crap that has become my baby maker. It needs to come out. Whether it’s cancerous or not, it needs to come out! But just in case, we did two biopsies and some blood work. Also,just to be safe, we’ll wait for approval from the Huntsman Cancer Institute before doing the hysterectomy. Obviously possible cancer takes presidence!

I complained about having to take out my nipple rings due to the breast pain, and asked if it was related. He assured me it was likely from my grumpy ovaries producing too much estrogen and caused havoc. Oh, tricksy ovaries! How mean you are!

Worrying. Waiting. Impatient. Leaking.

Wait. Leaking? What the hell is this? Suddenly there is a liquid coming from my breasts, and trust me, there’s no baby asking for milk anywhere near here. It’s gross and scary. I call. They say there’s no reason for it, and to wait for test results. We didn’t even test for the hormones that cause lactation. Great.

Scared. Impatient. Cancer? What is this? Check online interactive for results. There’s a few.

Normal.

Normal.

Normal.

NULL/SEE NOTES

Wait. What?

Check notes… estrogen low. White blood cell count high. No other results, including biopsy, available. Simple note about possible thyroid issue.

Estrogen low? No! What? It is supposed to be high in order to cause this pain. White blood cells high? Not super high, just a little. That’s not TOO bad, right? What?

Google. Oh… Google. Indicators? Cancer. Biggest Possibility? Breast cancer.

That cant be right! THE MASS IS IN MY ARM! What the hell? Decide to do a breast exam when I get home. Haven’t done one in over 6 months. I’ve been so distracted. Just a quick check, there is no way.

Decide to hide in bathroom. Usually do exam laying down in bed. Decided to do it standing in front of the mirror.

Stand. Flex. Stop. What is that? They’re so tender to the touch right now, I don’t want to poke at them. Decide it’s trick of the eye.

Lean forward. Hands on hips. Flex. STOP! NOT TRICK OF THE EYE!

Stand straight. Flex. No!

No!

No!

No!

Lean forward. Flex. NOOOOO!

THERE’S PUCKERING! TWO PLACES! RIGHT BREAST!SAME SIDE AS MASS!

WHAT IS THIS?

Decide not to panic. Text sister. Send (nipple censored) photos. Ask if she sees anything. (Sister was diagnosed three weeks ago with papillary carcinoma. She has surgery next Tuesday. It is micro. Very low chance of fatality. I’m still terrified.) She sees them. The puckering areas. Reminds me there’s nothing I can do until seen and examined. Reminds me not to Google anything.

Need second SECOND opinion. Text friend. Send different photo of the same thing (censored as well). Same thing. Sees them. Both of them. I’m very upset.

Call Dr. Leave voice mail. Try not to cry.

I’m sitting here after my nighttime dugs that typically put me to sleep, two movies, and no Googling.

I’m exhausted. I’m afraid. I’m trying not to vomit.

I have work in 6 hours. I have a Dr appt for my leg tomorrow. I can’t do this.

I can’t do this!!!!

I cannot have cancer! No. I have a family to take care of. A job. Responsibilities. I can’t stop all this for cancer. No. It’s not ok.

Tell the universe to stop now! Just stop! I can’t take this. I need a break. I need a life. I need to be ok. I can’t have this happen to me.

I can’t. Just no. I can’t. No. Sorry, not sorry, no. No. No.

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