I Guess That Makes Me…?

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I have no idea what I am going to do.

I’m heartbroken, overly stressed, under cared for, and I have no idea how I’m going to keep my life together.

I feel so alone, and even though people tell me I’m not, here I am alone. Physically, and very much emotionally. I’m alone so much. Nobody cares to visit, hang around, check in, nothing. Not besides my mom and grandma. If words could carry out promises of support, I would feel much better. Instead I’m left alone again.

My 4 year old daughter accidentally killed my rabbit yesterday. I don’t know how much of an accident it was, because she admitted to doing horrible things to her while I was cooking dinner. My head hurts and heart breaks at the image of her doing those things. I can’t get the image and the pain I felt when I saw her lifeless body. I have never had a pet of mine die that way. So suddenly, and from the hand of my child.

My stress at work is getting higher, and one of my co-workers has increasingly become hostile. He’s a very negative person, constantly complaining in a very angry, loud voice about anything that crosses his desk. Even games we play. Fun things. Meetings. He’s always grumpy, and always rude. And he’s even more so towards me. Today he crossed me in a way I’ve never been crossed before, and I want nothing to do with him. I’m horrified that someone could be such an insensitive horse’s ass. I would love to be away from him, however his desk is conjoined to mine through the cross corner. I can’t even stand the sight of him. It’s been weeks in the making, but I finally blew a gasket in front of my boss about it. Luckily it was just us two and the receptionist, who already knew my problem with him.

I’m stressed. Anxious. Sick. I want to get better. I don’t want this sensation of drowning in my own life. Anything around me feels so suffocating. Driving to work gives me anxiety. Driving home from work gives me anxiety. Talking to others, because I know they’re judging me, gives me anxiety. I am aware that those I work with who I felt were my friends, are in fact, not. They avoid me on so many levels. They avoid spending time with me outside of work. One barely even looks at me at work. Leaves when I walk in. Avoid me at all other costs. I’m watching as all my relationships fall apart, and I’m left standing here alone.

Today, from the minute I hit the freeway until about two blocks from the daycare, I cried. I cried for my 25 minute drive home. I stared straight ahead, and focused on driving, but I let it out. I’m falling apart inside and out.  I want to figure this out, but I have nowhere to start. My mom and grandma came tonight to help me clean out my rabbit’s cage. I tried to ignore the fact that it was killing me to do it. My rabbit meant so much to me, and nobody seems to understand that. They stand there and say the words, but there’s no truth or emotion behind them. Just like anything else they say. It’s all just words.

It’s all just talk. It’s all just words.

“Let me know if I can do anything.” Translates into, “I want to seem sympathetic, so I’ll just offer to help, even though I have no intentions of ever following through.”

I have obviously burned bridges with my misery, my pain, and my inability to keep my mouth shut about it. Nobody likes a downer, even when the pain is legitimate. Even when illness is involved. Oh man! Especially when it is. Nobody knows what to say. Not knowing what to say turns into not caring to say anything, which turns into not caring. At all.

It’s nobody’s job to be my friend. It’s nobody’s problem but my own that I’m alone. That I’m here in my heartache with not a single soul wanting to be here with me. It’s my own fault.

I’m beginning to wonder what would be done without me. I’m positive nobody’s lives would become any less fulfilling, outside of my family, of course. Not a single soul at my job would actually, truly miss me. They’d replace me with someone else just as capable, and probably more reliable. You know… not sick. Not tired. Not stiff and weak. Coming in half an hour late because getting out of bed literally felt like walking on broken glass. I would quickly fade into the ex-employee list, and nobody would care much.

When was the last time that I felt truly cared for? Actually valued as a person?

I can’t recall… because I’m only what I offer others, and right now… I have nothing left to give.

I guess that makes me useless.

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3 thoughts on “I Guess That Makes Me…?

  1. I completely understand how you feel. I feel (or am made to feel) useless all the time. Even though we feel that way, we still have to know our own worth. No one can take care of your child the way you can…there is no replacement for you! I hope things get better soon!

  2. This was a post that was hard to read. You are so good at articulating the pain you feel. Pain that each of us has had, or will have, at one time or another. It seems, though, like you have had more than your share, for longer than most can endure. I hope you find relief soon. In the circumstances, within yourself, from outside yourself, from whatever spiritual belief you may have. Something. Sending good thoughts to you today.

  3. Thank you both for the feedback. I am experiencing a higher volume of emotional pain than usual. This is causing a flare in my physical pain, though I am not doing AS bad as I could be.

    I have deactivated the majority of my social networking accounts. I have backed off from some of the social interactions that do nothing for me, though some are unavoidable. This morning my car broke down (again – radiator again – eff), and I did not panic or cry. I called for help, and waiting in the McDonalds with Nextflix and my one cup of coffee allowed each day.

    I need a break from my life, but I am taking a break from others lives as well. I am taking a break my from constant following up on marriage laws, minimum wage, and all those other political standings that I feel a close connection to. All these things that are so important to me, but are causing me woes in the meantime. I hurt for those abused, pushed aside, and taken advantage of. I have backed off mainly because my emotions need to be with me right now.

    Thank you for the good thoughts and vibes. I truly need them at this time, as much as I wish I didn’t.

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