You Should…

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“That’s still going on?”

“Have you tried…?”

“Have you seen a Dr?”

“You should talk to your Dr about that.”

When you have a chronic illness, you have heard these remarks, and they get old fast. We have all held our tongues; smiled, nodded, and agreed. Even thanked people for their help and input. None of these are helpful in the slightest, as I know my body, and when things are wrong I will go see my Dr. A low grade fever for three days is not a Doctorable offense. New liquid filled cysts, and lumps in uncomfortable places is not something to rush to the nearest ER about. Ever woken up in a pool of your own blood? I sure have, and did I rush off to my Dr? No. Because the color, consistency, and amount did not qualify as something that I personally need to rush off and spend my hard earned money on another, “Just keep taking your meds, and try not to push yourself that hard again. If the bleeding blah blah blah blah!” Heard it all.

This has been another rough week for me, as I am sure you could have guessed by my last blog post. I have run fevers, thrown up, bled from every possible orifice that can bleed without threatening death, and woke up in so much pain, it took all my might not to scream at the top of my lungs. I have left epsom salt bath water black, had less than 20 hours sleep in the last 6 days, and have been popping pain meds left and right. massage-picture-fibro I called in an emergency 90 minute massage due to my muscles being SO tight, I could barely turn my head. I was an hour late to a date, which did not go so well. (He was religious, had no kids and wanted some. I am none of the above.) I have been late to work every day this week. Missed appointments. Forgotten about trainings. Etc. I can’t help but feel like such a failure some weeks, and though I am STILL going strong, I do feel a bit like a failure.

This week I got into the worst fight I have ever had with any of my siblings. My sister, who we will refer to as Delusional Hippy, got on my very last nerve. She has been poking at me for awhile, and I finally had enough. The worst part is that she doesn’t realize she is doing it. She comments on my photos, statuses, and other such social media outlets with such cruel implications hidden in innocent text. She recently implied that in order for me not to end up alone I need to lower my expectations and standards for a potential spouse. Also, there is a possibility that I will never find someone and will end up alone. She told me I needed to be ok with the possibility that there isn’t someone out there for me. O_o She said, “You seem to think you are incomplete without a man.” – Now, keep in mind that this is my sister who is married to a convicted felon who used to harass me about having sex with him. He pursued me for about 8 years, starting when I was about 13. Not a big fan of this man. He is currently in prison for the 3rd time. DH has not dated much, and is often described as ‘homely’. I am not going to toot my own horn, but even with the extra weight, skin problems, and chronic illnesses, I am still quite the looker. It is hard for me to even fathom that there isn’t someone out there who wants what I want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a family, and that doesn’t make me desperate or incomplete. I have a goal of sharing the love I have, and making a life for me and my girls. My sister and I had a blowout. With-physical-pain-you-can-pinpoint-a-problem-and-seek-the-appropriate-treatment-as-with-a-wound-or-a-broken-bone-but-it-is-vastly-more-difficult-to-pinpoint-the-cause-of-emotional-pain. I blocked her on 3 facebook accounts before she went to texting. One thing anyone who knows me understands is that if I want to be left alone, you back off. You let me be. She knew this, and pushed me to my brink. I snapped, and I tore into her like there was no tomorrow. It did not go well, and I have been sick ever since. Extra sick.

People tend to forget that emotional turmoil is also going to have a negative effect for the chronically ill. Stress causes so much pain, it is ridiculous. I broke out with 17 cysts, ranging from the size of a pea to silver dollar. Arm pits, face, neck, legs, etc. They are everywhere. Here I am emotionally and physically ill over something as silly as me being alone and sad. Being judged by a woman who is neglectful of her children, and needs of everyone but herself and her husband. She is inconsiderate, and rude, however I have always brushed it off as her personality. She is who she is and you take it with a grain of salt. I have always loved and supporter her in all her decisions. Want to marry a felon I am not really fond of? Ok. Still love you, keeping my mouth shut. If he makes you happy, and you are confident in your decision, who am I to tell you otherwise? Want to ignore the fact that your children only snack all day, every day and do not have a full nutritional diet at home? Ok. I expressed my concerns, she brushed them off. I watch my niece and nephews, and make sure they are properly dressed for the weather and eat when at my house. She is not physically abusive, and her children love her. I will express my concerns when they seem applicable, otherwise I will respect her parenting ways. It is not my direct business, and she is allowed to run her home as she pleases, just as I am. But when you step in and tell me that because of my VALUES, and my STANDARDS, I am going to be alone. As if someone of that caliber would never have interest in someone like me. How dare you?

“You are always sick. You seem sad.” – Of course I am sad! Being sick is sad!

article-2218035-1583EAED000005DC-685_634x423 “You know that a man won’t fix your illness.” – I am aware of this. Nothing can ‘fix’ my illness. But I want to share what I can with someone, and show my girls that love can blossom out of the worst of situations. Also, I think that it would be a lot easier to make it up my stairs when I am super sick if I had some nice big arms assisting me in my journey.

“You need to understand that marriage has ups and downs. It’s not all good.” – What. In. The. Good. Hell? Are you kidding me? Please.. just… I am not even going to address this one, as this is just a joke that as a divorced 29 yr old woman who has been in MORE of a married relationship in the last 2 years with a man I never lived with than she has.

So, here I am…. sick, tired, and getting unwanted advice on not only my health, but also my love life. Basically feeling like those around me feel I am unable to properly determine when I need to see a Dr, or how to care for my own broken body. Nor am I capable of creating a happy marriage one day because I have high standards, and I am too sick to expect someone of that caliber to be interested in me. Perhaps I should lower my expectations and marry a felon. Seems like someone like that might ACTUALLY be interested in me, and fill that empty part of me that is ‘incomplete without a man’. Because, you know.. I am not complete without a penis, but I should probably accept that it is likely I will never find one that will put up with my shitty life.

Umm.. I may or may not be bitter this week, and angry. Sitting at the front desk in such pain I am thinking it would be better to be numb from the neck down. My head is throbbing on the right side, vision is blurry, and my right index finger is swelling. I am not sure if the emotions caused the flare, or the flare caused the emotions, but either way it is shitty. Either way this week was awful. I can’t take the pain meds that would kill this pain, as they will knock me out. I am beat, and I have an entirely full weekend ahead of me. This is not a good mix…

I apologize for this blog. It is crazy, all over the place, but I needed to vent. Thank you for not judging the crap out of me.

No…

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I can’t elaborate how embarrassing and miserable it is to get gastrointestinal bleeding at work. To have to deal with the knowledge that at any time I could have an issue, and end up bleeding all over myself. To be in pain all over from the strain,  but not be able to take pain meds because it’ll irritate it further. I’m completely and utterly miserable, and I am very displeased with today. I know it’s in direct correlation with what happened yesterday, but I’m not ready to talk about that yet. I just need to vent, so here goes. angry-girl

FUCK THIS!!!!! THIS ISN’T RIGHT!!! The body isn’t supposed to be like this! Why is MY body killing itself while others are perfectly healthy??? I just want to function. I just want my body to stop attacking itself! I want a normal life, a normal body. Not this broken bag of flesh I’m stuck in. I’m ok with many things about myself, don’t get me wrong, but why?? And why don’t people believe me? Why don’t they understand I have no control, and stress makes it worse? Why would someone go out of their way to hurt me, and stress me out?? Now I’m going to be fucking sick all week. Yeah… fuck this. Fuck fibro. Fuck celiac. Fuck arthritis. Fuck it all.

I just want to walk. Sit. Run. Talk. Live without pain!!!!! Bah!!!! 

/endrant

What Goes Up, Must Come Down…

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They say what goes up must come down. The one question I have is: How far up do you need to be before you come down? It seems to me that my up is not very far, while others have ups so high they are unreachable. Their downs are mere inconveniences, while mine are full on gut wrenching. Literally. As thankful as I am for all of the capabilities I still have, I can’t help but get upset when I am down just after getting up. I am on both an emotional, and physical roller-coaster. I can’t help but picture Wile E Coyote with one of his random inventions; so excited with high hopes in his eyes, only to immediately crash and burn. Wile-E-CoyoteThe big difference is that my crash and burn is not NEARLY as humorous as his. Maybe it is to some… but only people to like to watch me suffer. That sounds awful, but I don’t so easily brush off the idea that those people don’t exist. O_O My ups and downs are going to vary, just like anyone else’s, but one day I would like to at least come to a full standing before I am knocked down again. There are times that I accidentally knock myself down, times that life knocks me down, and times others knock me down. Regardless of who knocks me, I am still going down.

Today I experienced every emotion, though I had physical ailments that really put a damper on anything I was doing in general. Started off late to work (Surprise, surprise that illness has killed my punctuality), and sore as well. My body has not liked much of anything lately. I have a constant upset stomach, sore muscles, and pretty much a relentless headache. This makes it hard to sleep, and hard to wake up. This also makes it hard to eat, hard to drink coffee, and other such things that will wake me up. Right now my whole life is nothing short of difficult. This difficulty did not stop once arriving to work.

At my place of work, I am a jack of all trades. I wear many hats, and I am generally good at it. My illness has absolutely slowed me down, but it has not stopped me. Luckily, even in my slowed state, right now I am appreciated to the point that they continue to rely on me for important tasks. These tasks were pushed a bit today, however, even for someone in perfect health. I arrived to two trainees who I was under the impression would not be at my location until the afternoon. This meant I had to entertain them temporarily until they were to head off to the corporate office. (Btw – This makes NO sense to me. They come to my office for an hour, then have to drive 30 minutes North to the main office, and back. I don’t see why they start employment with such a hassle.) paperwork I then needed to update and rewrite about 1/4 of my 80 page training manual for recent changes to our platform, and ways Account Managers perform their jobs. Being the trainer, and having two trainees fresh out from under my wing, I was interrupted multiple times despite having my headphones on, music blasting and being obviously “in the zone”. I guess being willing to drop what I am doing 99% of the time for my team members kinda makes it less obvious than I would have liked it to be. One of these interruptions was an escalation. Oh fun!

Spending the better part of an hour getting yelled at by a man who had only been a client for a week, yet expected us to have provided him the world at this point, was not quite the best step in the day that would be yet another roller-coaster. The man couldn’t even get my name right. I was called many names, including but not limited to, “Kim, Ryan, and Drew”, but not my name. Once I was finished with said call, to which everyone on the call floor poked fun at me for how many times I had to repeat my own name, and his when trying to get the ranting to stop and reel the man back in, I was able to finish the updates just in time for printing and assembly! Once I hit print, I gathered all of the things I would need to complete the manuals, and begin my afternoon training. “Printer is Offline”. >__< Cancel, move to floating drive, jump on rooted computer and print. Just as I finished this process, my trainees started to come through the door. Not only were there the two trainees for my department, but two for an equivalent department in the corporate office, and one for our Premium department. I had agreed to the additional three trainees just that morning (Because I am insane), and I am sure the frazzled woman they saw before them was not the most impressive introduction to new hire training. 273457944_552b35fe15_b This was followed by multiple hiccups, random events, and other such fun that didn't make the rest of the day as fun as it could be. There were many stresses today, yet I pushed through them and I was very proud of myself.

By the time I got home, my abdomen was swelling, I was sore, and pretty exhausted. I set my bags down, promised my kids a snack after I used the restroom, and took off upstairs. I was so busy today, I barely had time to even use the bathroom, so as a single mom I was borderline excited for some alone time. This was until I realized why my abdomen was so swollen. I am not going to deny, when I saw the blood I was more than just a little upset. I cursed many times, and borderline started to tear up. Every time I discover gastrointestinal bleeding I am reminded that days like these take a toll on my body in many ways. Ways I feel immediately, ways I feel the next day, but also ways I can't really do anything about or don't really notice until it is too late. I always know I have not only pushed myself too far, but have actually hurt myself inside when I see this. My whole body aches, my head is pounding, and now I realize that tomorrow is going to be even harder on me. This also means I can't do anything else tonight. I can't go grocery shopping like I had planned. I can't cook dinner for my kids. I really can't do much of anything at all if I want to be able to perform tomorrow. The three trainees from the Corporate office, if trained well, can prove that I deserve a bigger role in not only my department's new hires, but new hires across the entire company. I need to be my best this week, or at least a level of functional that will be able to hide how sick I am. Tonight I am stressed, tired, emotionally worn down due to other circumstances I can't even go into in this blog post, and worried about tomorrow. About this week.

How far do I have to fall before I can get back up? Because I am ready to get back up now.

It Is Ok…

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So the day of love has come and passed, and couples everywhere shared moment of bliss, joy, bitterness, hate, fights, make up sex, etc. High pressure holidays always result in tension, and I am positive that not only did yesterday bring together beautiful couples, happiness and joy, but also tore fragile ones apart. valentines-day-couple-1920x1080 Regardless, I had not experience of the sort. Though I was convinced to go on a date with a man who claims himself to be ‘enamored’, he had to cancel at the last minute due to being called into work. I can’t say I wasn’t relieved, simply because I really didn’t want to have to give into this pressure. “Here are some flowers! Here is an expensive dinner! Desert! Love! Affection! Now.. suck my dick. Do something with my genitals! I have earned it!” – The pressure is out of control, and this lady refuses to give into it. Plus, my arthritis prevents me from getting on my knees.. so your are SOL, buddy.

I spent the night with my girls. We started with a viewing of the classic version of “The Jungle Book” in a local theater, followed by dinner and our typical movie night together. I have to say I loved it. I have spend every day this week after work with my girls, and trying to show them that we can still do fun things. My body aches today, I am sore and out for the count, but I feel I accomplished many things. Last weekend I did a photo shoot for “Lovely” to give to her husband for V-day. I have to say it was so much fun, but it did take a lot out of me. This was followed by the birthday party and other such things I just realized I went through in my last post. This week I spent hours editing and approving 60 photos for the v-day love surprise, so my hands are a bit sore. But most of the time was spent with my girls, snuggling, shopping, eating, and watching movies. As much as I wish it was hiking, building snowmen, igloos and other such winter activities I cannot force myself to do these things. I know my kids are missing out, but I truly hope that what I can do for them is enough. I guess it is the feelings and love they experience during the activity, and not the activity itself. Hopefully this worked.

Love comes in so many forms, and can be found/lost so easily, it is funny to think of how fragile it really is. Love can withstand so many trials, hurt, pain, and the ups and downs of life. unhappy-valentines-day-couple-horiz However, you add one little crack and if it is not attended to, it can quickly cause the entire thing to fall apart. Such a sneaky little chip in what we once thought the most amazing feeling and emotion we have ever felt can cause us to feel the most pain we ever have. Whether that chip be fear, distrust, or any other negative feelings, it can completely destroy a once life motivating feeling. We can feel as though our soul has been ripped out. On V-day, I loved spending time with my beautiful little girls, but my mind kept drifting off to Horse. I know that our relationship was filled with chips, scratches, holes, and even giant gaping windows. There was little solidity to our relationship, and our love was SO fragile, that it completely came apart so quickly! Once it was hit, it was done. Over. So over that he immediately sought love with another (whom he is still with), and never looked back. I was angry, hurt and at that time just so through with our love!

It was inevitable that our love was doomed from the start. It started on an odd note, had many hiccups that should have ended it, and then finally just broke. photos_couple What I don’t understand is why there is this lingering chunk of love. Why do I still feel this sliver of love, and adoration for him? WHY do I still wish to see him, speak to him, and share my life with him? It is insanity, and I am convinced it needs to be cured. My physical pain is lingering and never subsides. Why one earth must I have this “love” pain along with it? Perhaps it is that he is the only saving grace I had during my downfall, even though at time he tormented me with his strange emotion. Looking back at all the behavior, and knowing what I know now, I am aware that he is mentally and emotionally unstable. Yet so am I… and I am also physically unstable. Valentines day is a day to be thankful for those you love, and care for. I know it is pushed and pushed as a holiday you pour your love into money, and that money into gifts. The better and bigger gifts, the better ‘spouse’, ‘parent’, ‘friend’ you are, however I disagree. I love my friends and family. I love my babies. I love my co-workers. I love my Horse. And that is ok.

It is ok to love. It is ok to love more on Valentines Day. It is ok.

Hoover Dam…

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Hoover Dam style bloody nose. Choking on the blood as I rush to the bathroom sink. Trying not to vomit from it trickling down my throat and into my stomach. Rumbles inside, holding in the intestinal upset that my body decided to attempt to expel at the same time it released the gates through my nose. This is how my Monday work morning started, just a short time after arriving. Not only was I stiff as a board when I woke this morning, which caused me to be 15 minutes late, I also had to attempt to cover what looks like scabby pick marks meth heads have, all over my face and neck. images (1) Trying to find something to wear that won’t irritate the over sized fluid filled cyst pocket that decided to grow in my armpit this weekend. Getting two small children ready for the day, and having my teenager decide at the last minute she would also like a ride to school. Guess the rain wasn’t that appealing to her. Being a chronically ill single mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. Being a single mom was rough, and I took each moment in stride. It was difficult, but at most times I was able to handle every problem with a certain level of grace.

Since I became ill in 2011, I have slowly become less and less graceful. I am not sure if I will ever handle anything else with grace. My fumbling hands, arms, and legs has been followed by this lovely fog that makes it hard to even have one conversation without stopping. Whether it is forgetting what we were talking about, rolling off into tangents, or not being able to form words properly, it is difficult and growing worse. I have no idea what to do with my body that is going to make it better. In order to physically function, I have to take gabapentin which causes a slew of side effects. There are other medications I take, but this one has the most severe I have ever had. Here is a list of the most common, rare, and unexplained. (I have put the ones I suffer/have suffered in the past in bold):

  • More common
  • Clumsiness or unsteadiness
  • continuous, uncontrolled, back-and-forth, or rolling eye movements
  • Aggressive behavior or other behavior problems
  • anxiety
  • concentration problems and change in performance
  • crying
  • depression
  • false sense of well-being
  • hyperactivity or increase in body movements
  • rapidly changing moods
  • reacting too quickly, too emotional, or overreacting
  • restlessness
  • suspiciousness or distrust
  • Black, tarry stools
  • chest pain
  • chills
  • cough
  • depression, irritability, or other mood or mental changes
  • fever
  • loss of memory
  • pain or swelling in the arms or legs
  • painful or difficult urination
  • shortness of breath
  • sore throat
  • sores, ulcers, or white spots on the lips or in the mouth
  • swollen glands
  • unusual bleeding or bruising
  • unusual tiredness or weakness
  • Abdominal or stomach pain
  • blistering, peeling, or loosening of the skin
  • clay-colored stools
  • coma
  • confusion
  • convulsions
  • dark urine
  • decreased urine output
  • diarrhea
  • dizziness
  • fast or irregular heartbeat
  • headache
  • increased thirst
  • itching
  • joint pain
  • large, hive-like swelling on the face, eyelids, lips, tongue, throat, hands, legs, feet, or sex organs (mildly, only when exacerbated by celiac) 
  • loss of appetite
  • muscle ache or pain
  • nausea
  • red skin lesions, often with a purple center
  • red, irritated eyes
  • skin rash
  • unpleasant breath odor
  • vomiting of blood
  • yellow eyes or skin
  • images (2)

  • Some side effects of gabapentin may occur that usually do not need medical attention. These side effects may go away during treatment as your body adjusts to the medicine. Also, your health care professional may be able to tell you about ways to prevent or reduce some of these side effects. Check with your health care professional if any of the following side effects continue or are bothersome or if you have any questions about them:
  • Blurred vision
  • cold or flu-like symptoms
  • delusions
  • dementia
  • hoarseness
  • lack or loss of strength
  • lower back or side pain
  • swelling of the hands, feet, or lower legs
  • trembling or shaking
  • Accidental injury
  • appetite increased
  • back pain
  • bloated or full feeling
  • body aches or pain
  • burning, dry, or itching eyes
  • change in vision
  • change in walking and balance
  • clumsiness or unsteadiness
  • congestion
  • constipation
  • cough producing mucus
  • decrease in sexual desire or ability
  • dementia
  • difficulty with breathing
  • dryness of the mouth or throat
  • earache
  • excess air or gas in the stomach or intestines
  • excessive tearing
  • eye discharge
  • feeling faint, dizzy, or lightheadedness
  • feeling of warmth or heat
  • flushed, dry skin
  • flushing or redness of the skin, especially on the face and neck
  • frequent urination
  • fruit-like breath odor
  • impaired vision
  • incoordination
  • increased hunger
  • increased sensitivity to pain
  • increased sensitivity to touch
  • increased thirst
  • indigestion
  • low blood pressure
  • nervousness
  • noise in the ears
  • pain, redness, rash, swelling, or bleeding where the skin is rubbed off
  • passing gas
  • redness or swelling in the ear
  • redness, pain, swelling of the eye, eyelid, or inner lining of the eyelid
  • runny nose
  • sneezing
  • sweating
  • tender, swollen glands in the neck
  • tightness in the chest
  • tingling in the hands and feet
  • troubled breathing
  • trouble with sleeping
  • trouble with swallowing
  • trouble with thinking
  • twitching
  • unexplained weight loss
  • voice changes
  • vomiting
  • weakness or loss of strength
  • weight gain
  • wheezing

Now, when it comes to medication, you are going to have to choose the lesser of the two evils. Granted I suffer all of these side effects, some of them are going to exist on different levels with or without the medication. The pain I suffer from the fibro, RA, and celiac flares are much less severe, as well as being cut down in time suffering. Without this medication, I would not be able to get out of bed in the mornings. I would be stiff as a board, without the ability to loosen up my body in order to move. The more this illness progresses, the worse it gets. I know I have posted before about getting used to my body, finding my limitations, and staying within them. Fibromyalgia1 Sometimes I am a silly sick girl, and I push myself too far. I know that the reason I have had a rough morning was due to the weekend activities I pushed myself through. The way I pushed my physical, emotional, and mental being was beyond what I should have, and I knew it. Yet, sometimes you just have to try to be as normal as possible. There is a point that you reach each day, and you know if you stop you will not get back up. Instead of stopping, I pushed through it all. I not only used up my daily spoons, but every spoon I could possibly muster up inside me.

It started with Friday: Movie date with my 7 year old. Having to rush home early due to my oldest having a teenage meltdown, and needing to be supervised. Shopping for supplies, and doing a 3 hour photoshoot on Saturday, followed by a quick shower, bathing my children and heading off to a birthday party for a good friend. Pushing myself into interacting with all the friends who showed, and having a bit of wine to get me through it. The next morning began with a breakfast out, then shopping non stop for home upgrades, cleaning supplies, storage bins, etc. A new tablet for my two little ones, new shoes, and many other things. I did EVERYTHING I have been putting off for weeks.. maybe even months.. in one day. My home is looking great, but… I did this all because I knew once I stopped, I would be down. I had to push myself as far as I could to get this all done, or it was never going to get done. And what happened? Hoover Dam happened. Hoover Dam in the form of blood, cysts, swelling, pain, and so many other things. Was it worth it? Ask me in two days… two weeks.. however long it takes me to recover, because today I am suffering the effects of my own self destructive behavior.

Hoover Dam happens in many forms, and I feel like that is an accurate description for a flare. For the side effects we suffer for trying to be a normal human being. For trying to be who we used to be, and failing. Failing miserably, because I am not the old me. I am not the same woman I was even last year. 473368-22729-48 Last year my Dam was holding up much better; A few cracks and leaks here and there, yes, but not a full on break. Now.. I break. I can’t help but think to myself how much more broken I am going to get. If I am having Hoover breaks now, what will I suffer with a year from now? 5 years? 10 YEARS? How will I survive??? Perhaps it is giving in, and just trying to patch what I can. I had to finally cave and purchase tighter fitting shoes with inserts for more heel and arch support. I can no longer wear shoes with heels. At all. Purchasing items that most won’t need until well into their 40’s and 50’s is rough on my mental state, but I accepted it… kinda. This may put a bit of a hold on my Hoover Dam, but maybe not. We will have to see what is going to happen with them.

Weak, tired, and moody.. here I sit suffering through my self inflicted break. Trying to patch things up with what I can, and looking like death in the meantime. Nothing else I can do at this point but remind myself that this was a terrible idea…

Middle Child Syndrome…

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Middle child syndrome. As a middle child, I guess I should really understand how this works, and perhaps I had this and just can’t remember. The idea is that in a family of three you should be giving your time evenly to all of the children; Obviously breaking down to 33% each. As the middle child, they often feel left out due to the perks of being both older, and younger. The older child is able to do many things that the middle child is not. They seem to be able to be given more privileges, freedom, and all around the middle child envies the abilities that the older child has. (Keep in mind in my home, my oldest child is 13, while my middle is 7) Then there is the youngest. They are treated as the baby, and are seen as getting more attention, and possibly love, than the middle child. The baby gets away with things the middle child no longer can, and there is also an odd sense of freedom. Child feeling left out. Image shot 2009. Exact date unknown. The middle child is too old to do what the baby does, and too young to do what the oldest does. Here they are stuck in the middle, feeling left out and unloved as the other children ‘run free’ and get away with possibly everything they can!

My child has this to a T. Severely. Not only is she the middle child, but I am mothering three girls. The oldest is 6 1/2 years older, and the youngest is 3 years younger. My oldest and youngest are both tall for their age, while my middle is quite small. Standing only approx 3 inches taller than her 4 year old sister, she is often paired with her when it comes to activities. Though they are both incredibly adorable, my middle child’s intellect is beyond compare. She is not only logical, but critical and also moody. She is quick to upset, and even faster to scold you. Due to being bossed around by her older sister, she is extra bossy with her younger sister. The only problem with this is, yet again, she is barely taller than this sibling. Therefore when a fight breaks out between the two, it is often her who is left in tears, because my littlest girl has no qualms against fighting dirty. She will pinch, pull, kick and punch. Needless to say, this is not fun for the mommy.

So here I am, a single mother working to support three kids on my own, all the while suffering through multiple autoimmune diseases, and dealing with my lovely little middle child. overwhelm_life2 Who is suffering through her own battle of angry self pity, and with the intellect to understand what is going on around her, she is becoming a bitter little blond soldier of war. War on the peace at home, and anyone else who she can possibly get away with mistreating. There is little hope for peace, and she is nowhere near willing to raise the white flag and give up on her middle child temper tantrums. Her adorable little face, big blue eyes, and almost white blond hair is quickly changed from a beautiful little cherub into a cringing almost demon like glare. She can scrunch her face up with the best of them, and will stare you down with no remorse. Should you refuse to give into this battle, she will cry out in a piercing scream of anger, stomping her way to her “castle”, causing as much destruction she can get away with on her way, and cursing your very existence. This will be followed by a slamming of doors, and silence. Now and then she will make her presence and anger known by stomping around in her bedroom, which causes our kitchen lights to flicker. I think I have made my point when it comes to my child’s behavior. Some days she can suffer through many ‘unfair’ events, while others she is finished upon the first. It is a never ending roller coaster of middle child syndrome.

There are a few things that I have tried to simmer down the middle child, and though things have worked in the past, recently her behavior has escalated. Child-Discipline-200x300 I have no doubt that this has to do with the fact that the smallest child has been ill with the flu, hence getting more attention from the oldest and me. She has not been able to play with middle child, thus leaving her lost as to what to do with her spare time. She has such an active mind, and requires so much interaction to keep her pleased, that the lack of having a ‘lacky’ has recently left her alone. Older child was suspended (long story, but nothing serious) therefore home with the little one for two days, while I worked and recovered from a week’s worth of bronchitis. At the end of the day, oldest was exhausted from the needy baby, I was exhausted from the extra work load I acquired this week as well as the struggle my illness was putting on my body. This week middle child has been so incredibly neglected, she has been nothing short of awful to everyone. I have tried putting her in her place with times outs, extra chores, and talks. I have also tried snuggling, talking, and spending extra time at home with her, however it is always interrupted with the other two and she ends up storming off in her overly dramatic manner. This mother is at a loss.

So, I am trying one last thing before I throw my hands in the air and give up on treating my beautiful little girl’s MCS. Tonight I am taking her to see Frozen, just her and I, and then to the Village Inn, which is her favorite place to eat. I have high hopes that by the end of the night she feels extra love, and that implementing mommy/daughter dates with my MC will resolve some of the issues she has. I have to say that at this time, having the MCS happening is causing so much stress on me that I am immediately tense whenever she approaches. This, no doubt, is felt by her and likely exacerbates the situation and the tension in the home. Hopefully my plan will work, we will have a lovely time together, and tomorrow the screaming, stomping and anger will be significantly less. Wish me luck! As a single mother, an autoimmune sufferer, and an all around stressed out person.

Lets do this, Middle Child!

My Lovely…

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A little known fact about me is that every Sunday morning I check for new post secrets, reading through them slowly and allowing myself to both relate, and feel for the people who have sent them in. This morning I found one that hit me in a special part of my heart that I hold for those that I love. The post secret read: “I get angry at every mother who doesn’t love her children as much as I would love mine, If I could have them.” I felt this stinging inside me that only exists because of the suffering and pain I have seen loved ones go through. One in particular is a close friend of mine. We will refer to her as “Lovely”. Lovely is young, beautiful, and married to a man she loves dearly. She has always wanted children, but unfairly discovered that it is very unlikely she will be able to carry a baby full term. Lovely is a wonderful woman, and would make an amazing mother. She suffers with the pain of endometriosis, which can make it difficult to both concieve, and carry a baby to full term. For those who do not know what this is, let’s define it:

post secretEndometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop. Fortunately, effective treatments are available.

Though there are treatments, they can often leave you infertile as well, and so attempting to treat your body naturally is a good starting point to allow your body to accept implantation of a fertilized egg. Using drugs and other scraping treatments CAN work, but are not a guarantee. Here is why this occurs:

Implant Secretions

The endometrial tissue secretes many important hormones that help facilitate pregnancy. The endometrial implants secret these same hormones, but instead of secreting them into the uterus where they belong, they’ll secrete them into the abdominal cavity or other parts of the body. These misplaced hormones may interfere with the pregnancy process. In addition, the implants often secrete hormones later than the cells lining the womb. This may cause the body to become confused and continue ovulating, even though a fertilized egg has already been implanted. When this occurs, the uterus sheds the old lining, including the egg, and a very early miscarriage results.

holding_back_lgI have seen this process with Lovely, and my heart breaks for her. She tries so hard to hide while we are together, but I can see it inside her. She is a strong and wonderful person, and I love her dearly. Each time we discuss her issues, I cannot help but feel a pain inside me because of how fertile I have been. I have the EXACT opposite issue as Lovely, and though I am perfectly aware neither of us have control over it, I cannot help but feel a twinge of guilt as I remember the anger I felt with each unexpected and inconvenient pregnancy. I have never known what it is like to be elated to be having a child. Now I wish I was healthy, and that I could carry her child for her and her husband. I have such an ability to create life, that I would gladly accept an implantation of their egg and sperm, and grow life for them. At this point I would not be able to carry a child without risking health for both the baby and myself. I wish I know someone who loved her as much as I did and was healthy, and willing to provide to her the life she wants so badly! She deserves a baby! She deserves to hold a precious baby in her arms, and give it the love that radiates from her.

She has become one of my best friends over the last few months, and though many of our life views are different, we respect each other enough that it makes no difference in our friendship. I believe in stricter gun laws (not to the extent the government wants right now, but a bit tighter process to receive a gun.) and she does not. I am Pro-Choice, and for obvious reasons, she is not. She is religious, and has a strong faith in her beliefs. I am not religious at all. I have good personal reasons for that, and she respects them. I love finding people who are so like me in so many ways, and has the same level of respect for others that I do to accept differences. This opens up so many ways in which one is able to love, and care for people. She is Lovely, and she is My Lovely. And I wish I could give her a baby. I wish I could give her TEN babies! I wish I could give her those adorable little boys that will grow up into linebackers, playing professional football and making their mama proud! I am not a religious person, but I pray to the universe for her. I wish for her body to accept a baby, and grow. I send out as many positive vibes as I know how, and I have cried for her.

As I have become more and more sick, I have also become more and more open to love. I am not the same person I was even a year ago, and if I was still that person I would not be able to accept and love as I do right now. three-women-laughing I would distance myself from Lovely due to the inability to accept any feelings that would have been seen as a weakness to me before. I am so glad that I allow myself to feel this now. I be the strong woman I am, but to love and feel what is around me. I would be missing out on so much that Lovely alone gives to me. Together Lovely, a friend we will refer to as Princess, and me would not have the bond that we do. I know that Princess loves Lovely as much as I do, and I love Princess just as much as I love Lovely! I have made two amazing friends, and I know that Princess prays for Lovely! I know that she knows the joys of parenthood, and wishes with all her heart that our dear Lovely could feel that for herself.

So, in conclusion, I am asking anyone who reads this blog to think of Lovely and regardless of your religion or lack there of, send what you can from your heart to this wonderful woman. I love her so much, and if you can feel ANY of this love from me right now, don’t feel it FOR me. Feel love WITH me, and send it to her.

Send it to My Lovely!