Speed walking. Not just walking, but SPEED walking. We often forget the pace at which we are able to move, until that ability is taken away. The day you are unable to pick up and go the way you want.. NO.. the way you NEED, is the day you realize you took that ability for granted. (Regardless of what it is, but hang with me, I have a point to this.) When you are chronically ill and in chronic pain, moving is very much needed to keep things from worsening, but it is also the bane of your existence. I have often looked across the room at something I needed (My phone, laptop, a drink, etc) and decided if it was worth the pain it would cause to retrieve it. At the end of the day when I am sore, exhausted, and feeling like my body is about to both implode and explode at the same time, there are very few things that are WORTH moving my body for. I cannot say how many times I have given in and slept on the couch only because I didn’t want to climb the 15 stairs it would take to get to my tempurpedic bed. That’s right. A nice, expensive, very comfortable bed. Instead, due to exhaustion and a mental decision to accept my body as it is now, I sleep on a 10 year old couch. Not the best idea, but it happens more than I would like to admit.
Yesterday was rough. I was exhausted, sore, in much pain, and was having a very hard time moving. My body hurt inside and out! I dedicated myself to going straight home, take a hot epsom salt bath and rest for the remainder of the night, which I completely followed through with. I went to bed at a reasonable time, in my own bed. EUREKA! I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, still sore (E’ry day. Let’s face it) but a bit better. Prepared my girls for their day with ease, and actually got to work on time! Once there, though I was a bit cranky (Jackhole was out yesterday, and was on a rampage bitching about why HIS work didn’t get done in his absence, and bitching out a new member of the team. Which I stepped in like a mama bear and shot that asshat down!) I was actually feeling alright. As my morning went on, and I was going about my tasks to and from different desks, offices, etc I realized something. SPEED WALKING… I… was… speed walking. The moment I realized that I was moving with ease, I literally came to a dead stop. I cannot express the ridiculous amount of amazement I felt realizing that I was actually not only walking at a normal pace, but at a quicker pace than the average person walks at. It was awesome! Then I asked myself that question I always ask myself when I have a feeling of unlimited spoons: How is this going to effect me later? How sad is that?
I AM SPEED WALKING!! What is this going to do to me tonight?
In the middle of the break room, on my way out the door to grab lunch, there I stood thinking about what my movement is going to do to my body, and if I actually have the spoons my body seems to think it does. I tried to measure how much energy I had. I stood still trying to feel the aches and pains that were laying beneath the surface, and were going to rear their ugly heads later. I felt a bit in my neck, knees, back, and an overall discomfort (of course) but nothing ugly steaming below. With a shrug of amazement, I continued my day.
Non-stop website audits, client calls, a trip to Target with my 3 kids. Swinging past the pharmacy for my meds (increased my gabapentin today, more on that in another post), replacing my heating pad (YAY!), and then dinner. At a restaurant. With THREE kids. THREE! ALL DAY! I went ALL DAY in speed walking mode, comfort mode, or whatever you wish to call it, and nothing slowed me down. It was nothing short of intoxicating! It is so funny how much joy a simple ‘normal’ day can bring someone in my situation, and don’t you think for one second that I did not appreciate it! Here is it, 1:00am in Utah and I am still wide awake, and beaming from my good day. I have no idea what got into me, (probably has something to do with the sudden increase in temperature) but it has yet to leave. I feel a bit sore in a few places, and the lack of aches at this point may be to the 1200mg of gabapentin and 50mg of Ultram swimming through my system, but the peace and joy I feel inside is due to the feeling that only a good day can bring me. I got ALL my work completed, hung out with my favorite coworkers, spent HOURS running around and having a great time with my little family, and STILL have energy left over. Now all I am praying for is sleep so that I can wake up in the morning on time and get to work.
I never expect to wake up feeling “good”; This rarely happens to me. Even this morning, I didn’t feel ‘good’ per say. However, that moment I realized I was moving, and not only that but SPEED walking, I was on cloud nine. I don’t care if I need to walk with a cane tomorrow, I will cherish today and the feeling it has left on me for days to come. Tomorrow I get to wake up knowing that my girls had fun with me today. They went to bed happy because we went out and about as a family.. like we used to. Before mommy got really sick. I know my kids felt the happiness radiating off me, and the smiles that we all shared today were fantastic. Though I don’t expect it, I would be tickled pink (Yeah, 29 and saying tickled pink. Figure I have an old body, might as well use old sayings) if I woke up tomorrow and could speed walk again. I know I used most of my spoons today, and us spoonies are all aware that ‘roll over spoons’ is not a thing, but I really hope that my spoons replenish the same way they replenished this morning.
Dear Tomorrow’s Body: Can we speed walk again? I really liked that.