Compromise…?

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I am so sorry, body! Give me another chance! Let me live, and I promise I will be so nice to you! Remember how we used to dance the night away? Remember how wonderful it felt to hike to the top of a mountain and look down over the valley? How we used to love living! Do you remember picking up your babies, and holding them for hours? Climbing on the playground! Playing tag?! Do you remember how you loved me? Please, body! Love me again.

How many times have those of us with chronic pain had this begging argument with their body? How many times has your heart broken because you simply because your body will not give in, and you cannot do all the things you truly wish you could? The things you SHOULD be able to do. Most people don’t understand that even getting dressed in the morning, let alone showering beforehand, is such a great accomplishment. I have been having a battle with my body lately. We are ‘fighting’ again. Oh, how I hate fighting with my body! women-pleading-200x300 “PLEASE! I swear I will be so good to you! I promise I will be careful with us today, please just let me go to work!” I lost this argument for a full day once this week, and was two hours late because of that same fight today. We simply could not come to an agreement on Tuesday, but today we compromised with loose clothing, no makeup, a ponytail, and a knee brace. It was the only way my body was going to let me go ANYWHERE today. Giant mug of coffee in hand, fruits on call (as my body HATES food right now, but fruits provide energy) off I went into the office. My boss was not happy, my body was even more upset, and I was… I was an emotional wreck. Not only did I have to hold my body together to manage today, but I had to go to work, dragging the ‘one’ I fought with me. This fight continued throughout the day, and I tried my hardest to just be me. Imagine getting into a fight with the one you love, having your heart hurting from it, and than having them dictate your entire day. You may have won, but there is that constant reminder that as soon as you let your guard down just slightly, you will be crushed. My body breaks my heart every day, and I am stuck inside it, begging it to just let me be ok. Let US be ok.

It may sound silly to think of your body and yourself as two different entities (though spirituals may already feel this way). To feel like your body is a vessel, but it has a mind of it’s own. It is deciding what you can and cannot do with yourself. Want to do a normal every day activity? Ok.. but only one! PICK! Do I.. go to work or take my kids to the park? Do I do a load of laundry or a load of dishes? Do I do my hair, or my child’s hair? Do I bath myself or my children? Do I rest now and pray I can get back up, or keep going until I collapse? These are not decisions that one with time should have to choose. I am losing a battle with my body right now, and I am so hurt by it. My heart aches from the betrayal. I am so tired.. so so tired. I am tired of compromising with myself. I am tired of telling myself I am ok. I am so tired of the pain, the missed work, the messy house, and the overall hurt! I am tired of my heart aching for the loss of myself, and my “Dead Horse”. I am so very, very sick of it. Deep inside I know that this is just a flare, and once it passes, I won’t be feeling so defeated, but right now I am so SO tired of it.

I don’t want to compromise.

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5 thoughts on “Compromise…?

    • Thank you! I’m always glad to find I’m not alone. As much as I can never say enough that I don’t wish this pain on others, it’s always comforting to find someone who understands.

  1. I’ve often had the “OMG, why are you so needy? Why can’t you just FUNCTION?” argument with my body. Lately, I’ve tried to try to befriend my body but that’s not going well at the moment either. Its needs are just so endless and all consuming. It’s all just very hard. I hope your flare passes quickly.

    • I know exactly how that is. It’s such a frustrating relationship we have with our bodies. It’s easy to take advantage of your vessel when it’s healthy. You forget that you and your body can separate so easily!! Though I resent my body so often, I think I love it so much more on days that I’m at least half functioning than when I was completely healthy. It’s such a strong love/hate relationship! It’s so dramatic that people think we’re BEING dramatic for no reason. Today my boss jokingly called me a “Diva” because of my illness, and I jokingly reminded him that my body is like having a cold or the flu ALL the time. My body aches daily like his does when he can’t get out of bed, and when no matter how much he wills himself, he just can’t do it. Yeah, my body is a Diva, but it’s a Diva on its own terms.

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