Admitting defeat..

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Sometimes I forget that it is ok to accept and admit defeat. It is pushed so hard on people to “stay strong” and “never give up” that people feel like a failure when they admit they are not able to do something, myself included. I have been in such a denial of my inability to do certain things, that I think I am just making myself worse some days. This week has been one of which many pleasant things have happened (spending time with my ‘Disgruntled White Guy’, which I can go into later), but I have also been so emotionally and mentally busy at work, it’s been draining. I often feel like being physically drained after sitting at my desk all day is so silly. I get up periodically to keep my joints from stiffening. I stretch and I lean, letting my muscles feel change for a bit, then go back to work. However there is something else that I should really accept, and it is that emotional and mental strain can drain you physically as well. The stress of keeping my clients happy, as well as dealing with managing my team, website audits, and addressing issues as they arise (which, let’s face it, Google changes daily) can, and has, put strain on my body as well as my mind. Yesterday was a long day of dealing with clients who seem to forget that they know nothing when it comes to this industry, and I have worked hard to stay up to date and be as much of an expert as I can. head-on-desk It can be quite frustrating when you are being told how to do your job from a person that can’t even log into their website without help. There are oft times where I have literally wanted to bang my head on my desk.

Yesterday was nothing short of a rough day. Not only was it snowing non stop, which was killing my joints and causing almost tear worthy bone pain, I was running audit after audit, and research for my clients, as well as for others. I was up and down from my desk all day with small issues that needed to be addressed. I am almost positive that I have a sinus infection, but I am trying to treat it with a neti-pot, and hoping the small dose of doxycycline that I am on will assist in stopping it from getting too bad. Cross your fingers for me. I really don’t want to spend the money to see my Dr again, and I REALLY don’t want to add to the pills I am already taking. My knees were on strike, my back was aching, and my eyes were dry. I have a headache almost daily, which I can handle, but with the sinus pain and the stress of having to explain why even though Google is a non stop crawling algorithm, they are not ranking on the first page yet, it was extra harsh. I can’t help but want to go “Because your site sucks, you are not well known online, and it takes time to build a reputation, Moron!! Let me do my fucking job and you just go plunge a toilet like a good little plumber!”, but I am almost positive I would get fired. That would just add more stress to the already complicated life of this Positive Pessimist!

Once I was home I immediately half laid on my couch, as my sleeping 13 year old shifted over to let me in. My legs ached, my head pounded, and my feet felt like they were splitting in half. The bone pain throbbed through my thighs, and my back screamed in agony. I guess it did not like the half laying down position. As I convinced my mini me to move off the couch so I could let my body recover, stretching out in the full laying position, she asked me the question nobody in such pain wants to hear. “What’s for dinner?” EFF! Tonight I was supposed to go shopping, not only for groceries, but for my little girl’s birthday presents. My littlest girl is turning 4 on Monday, but we are having her party on Saturday. It was now Thursday night. Sitting up I considered running to the store, however my body immediately objected. Pain shooting through my arms, legs, feet, and fingers while my head pounded and a whirl of dizziness started to take over I succumbed to the pain and laid back down. Feeling a small child climb on top of me, I screamed out in pain. When I am sick, and feeling ill my little girls like to lay with me to help me feel better. Most times we are get comfortable fairly quick, and it is not an issue. However today every little touch felt like hot burning coals on my skin, sending pain shooting in all directions! My poor little girl jumped off me while tears ran down her face. little-girl-crying3 She was only trying to help mommy, and here I am screaming out and scaring the poor girl. As much as I wanted to get up, wrap my arms around her and make her better, my body simply would not move. All I could muster while the tender spots left by her little hands and knees burned was and “I’m sorry. Mommy hurts.”

In moments like these it is almost impossible to not admit defeat. I wish I didn’t have to pop multiple pain pills just to get through the rest of the night. I slowly dialed the local pizza place, and put in an order. I wish I could have gotten up and cooked for my children. I wish I could have made pasta, meat, veggies, the works! But instead I laid on the couch, pain meds and exhaustion pulling me into a much needed slumber, and admitting defeat. My body has won again over my very much persistent and prideful mind. I tend to forget that there is a war going on inside me at all times. I forget that though others look at me like I am fine, I am not. That though I don’t want to admit it, I have to manage my “spoons” more efficiently. Admitting that I even have “spoons” is more than I would like to acknowledge. I want to run, I want to cook. I want to play with my children in the snow, and create wonderful childhood memories. Instead my body is slowly shutting down in ways I don’t even realize until it is too late. Instead I have to sleep. Instead I have to order pizza, and do the one thing I don’t want to do. The one thing that this prideful, and determined woman has to do.

Instead I have to admit defeat… and admitting defeat is sometimes more painful than the rest.

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