I Will Go Down With This Ship…

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Warning: Another silly post about my “Dead Horse” and my ridiculous undying love for him. Don’t read on if you are bored easily by silly girl love.

I can’t deny that every time a start to get close to having feelings for a man, they start to piddle off into nothing again. Yes, I love to be kissed, and held just as everyone else does and I do cave from time to time and allow someone to feed my desires. Especially with being as sick as I have become, and continue to be, it is wonderful to be held, even if it is only by someone who wants you for one thing. I know that my heart belongs to another, and as much as I have tried endlessly to get over him and move on, I can’t. This is not due to a lack of suitors, as my friends often tease me about my “slew of men” I have pining after me (which I don’t see why at this point) but due to the fact that I feel pain and sometimes even guilt when I am with another. I see him in my head. I see every Infinity that drives past me, or is parked anywhere in eye sight. I am such a silly and stupid girl for doing what I did to him, and even though I know I never would have made him happy, I wish he was still mine. I will always be his, and I am having the hardest time coming to terms with it.

sad-contemplative-korean-woman-lying-in-bedI dream of him often. I have dreamt of him every day for the last week. I wake up feeling melancholy and remorseful. I feel both comfort and pain knowing that someone else can be for him what I was not able to be. I miss his children, and I often wonder how they are. Did they ever test his youngest for autism? How are his middle child’s teeth? Is his daughter still in choir? How are her headaches doing? Do they miss me, too? I don’t know, because I was so emotionally afraid of admitting that I loved them all so much for fear of them being taken from me. Now I feel that pain always, and as much as I try not to think about it, my sleeping self refuses to let me convince myself I have let them all go. I miss movie night, with all of the children cuddled up watching Disney movies. I miss camping with them. I miss seeing their faces, and hearing their silly little jokes. I miss them telling me adorable little stories. I miss him brushing my hair out of my face, and looking deep into my eyes. I was afraid of the feelings he stirred in me, and I pushed them all down, and him away. Now they have risen inside me in their absence, and I am all too familiar with the feeling. I can never go back to that family. I caused far too much destruction in my exit, that I feel I can never be forgiven. I don’t know if I deserve it. I have many struggles in life right now, but I can say that the pain I feel from messing up my chance with him.. with them.. is far more painful than any flare I have.

This morning a song came to mind that can describe how I am feeling right now. I know that I will always love them, and nothing can change that. I expect nothing in return ever again, but I will go down with this ship. Here are the lyrics, with the official music video below. Despite my dramatic connection to this song, it is lovely in general. Dido is one of my favorite singers. Enjoy.

“White Flag” – Lyrics provided by A to Z Lyrics.

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that?

I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over”
then I’m sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I’ll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I’ve moved on….

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

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Nobody Deserves This…

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I honestly have no idea where to start on this post. I have been sitting in front of my laptop for ten minutes now just staring at my screen. My whole body aches, I have no voice, my lungs are killing me, and I just threw up.. again.. due to having multiple bugs floating around my office. Heating pad on my right knee (always), and warm fuzzy socks on my aching feet. I just keep thinking how unfair my life is. How unfair it is that I have to do this alone, and be a person I barely have enough strength to be. I feel like I have been strong for so long, there are expectations set in place that I am having a hard time living up to some days. I have been called “Super Mom” so many times, but I just don’t feel like I am as super as I can be. I know I can be more patient, but on days like today where I can barely function, it is just so hard to have patience with anyone. I feel so bad knowing my kids could have a better me, but I can’t muster up the strength to be that mom.

Today at work Jackhole freaked out on me again, and was extra rude.. again. Last Thursday I was almost positive he was going to get fired, as he had freaked out SCREAMING at a client and then at the consultant who had sold said client. It was an outburst that was BEYOND inappropriate, and he just got a slap on the wrist for it. Whatever. Man-Yelling But today he was extra Jackholish to me over something so very simple, it made no sense to argue. He was loud, and cocky. Talked down to me in front of both of our teams, and even went storming off to my boss. Imagine Dwight from The Office, only a real life version of him, and not funny at all. That is what it reminds me of. (I have jokingly started calling my boss “Michael”, to which he just rolls his eyes.) We had to sit down and have a meeting over this silly little battle, of which his argument had neither rhyme nor reason. My boss obviously agreed with me, (Not because we get along, but because I was right. He is the first to tell me when I am being silly.) and Jackhole went about his personal stomping ways, while I went off to train his wife (YES! Jackhole’s wife) on how to do proper website audits so she can join my audit team. I really like Jackhole’s wife, and I am very careful to never say anything negative about him to her, nor talk down about him to anyone who could be negatively affected by it in an unprofessional manner. He, on the other hand, does not give me the same respect and often likes to tell co-workers about how incompetent I am, and I have had ENOUGH.

This man gets away with mistreating others left and right, and with no remorse. Nobody has filed any official complaints, though many MANY people vent their frustrations of his ill treatment, and even do so to our boss. They have chosen to just take it with a grain of salt, and try to ignore him. I know I have had to be talked down about filing multiple complaints before, and only because my boss was trying to work with him to be more pleasant to work with. Each time he did, it would be ok for a day or two, and then it would go back to how it was. I do not need to be watched while I hobble off to the bathroom. yelling He does not need to get up from his desk and wander around pretending to get a drink or something else before he locates me. This man has his nose stuck so far up my ass, I swear he can tell I have intestinal issues before I do. Hell, maybe he is the cause of them. I just hate having to text the front desk to let them know I am sick in the bathroom again in case Jackhole goes wandering around and tattles to my boss that I have been up from my desk for 20 minutes during Zone time. DUDE! You tell me that if you are bleeding from your colon that you would sit for the next hour waiting for Zone time to end. That stuff is not fun, and I cannot time my illness! Just as my boss said, he doesn’t care how many times I have to run to the bathroom, as long as I am there and getting my work done, he is happy. But having this jerk lean back and listen to every.. little.. conversation I have. Every little word I speak. EVERY COMMENT I MAKE… I just can’t handle it anymore. He has caused my work area to be a hostile environment, and I no longer care about the repercussions, I am going to HR and filing a complaint.

Now, this is the same man that harasses half of the office, it is not just me. He is cruel, and menacing for no reason. He has ZERO tact when it comes to working with others in the office, and not one sales rep wants their clients to go to him. They BEG for their clients to go to others, so despite the fact that I have training, and website audits, I have been taking more and more clients. He is also not getting new clients right now due to his outburst on one last week. Come on, dude.. you hang up on a client long before you scream at them. That is just NOT good business practice right there. I am too sick, too tired, and too good at what I do to be treated this way. The other people in the office do not deserve it one bit either. I really hope this doesn’t blow up in my face, but I am going to have to file this complaint. I need something to change, and soon. Otherwise, I am going to have to accept a role in another department, or somewhere else where I won’t have to deal with this kind of treatment. Nobody deserves this… Nobody deserves what I have. Nobody deserves how he treats me. The difference is that one is an autoimmune disease, and one is an asshole.

Is that so much to ask. ..

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woman-hands-on-head-eyes-closedI haven’t posted in a few days, and though I’m going to post a much longer blog tomorrow I had to post about my woes.
My head has been hurting the last few hours, and I figured it was just from everything I had done, and I was running low on spoons. My right temple has been the worst, and about five minutes ago I found a flat, hard, quarter sized cyst building up right on top of my temple.  Looks like I’m doomed to suffer headaches at least temporally until it decides to heal.

One week.  An entire week.  That’s what I’m asking for. One week without any new issues. Is that so much to ask? ?

Opiates to the rescue…

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Last night after I refilled my prescriptions, and finally allowed myself an opiate (after two weeks of no pain meds, minus tylenol) my body rejoiced and refused to go to sleep. After being in pain for weeks on end, minus the half days I felt mildly ok, yesterday was an amazing and invigorating day. I had basically deprived my body of feeling pain free in hopes that it would start to generate the natural pain killers that most bodies will be able to produce and help with healing. Since my body is on a self destruction rampage, this was a long shot and I definitely fell much shorter than I had hoped. There is nothing wrong with waving the white flag, calling your Dr and asking to refill that prescription. I am out of spoons, and I need a way to make my spoon factory function! I need that feeling that only pain meds can bring. That relief for a sore, and beaten down body. And I got it. And I am not ashamed.

pill-bottleToday I am feeling awesome again! Since the gabapentin has been working much better than anything else I was on before (plaquenil was the most recent, and brought me some temp relief, but it was short lived) my Dr has been suggesting we up the dosage and try to get me on less pain meds. Get me moving better on a daily basis, and maybe help with flares when I get glutened as well. The less my body has to fight and deal with, the better it reacts to my mistakes. I have gone from a dosage of 300mg twice a day, with 900mg at night to 600mg twice a day, and 1200mg at night. Today is my first day on the higher dose, and I can honestly say that the mix of yesterdays boost, and the boost in drugs is already making me feel a bit less.. achy. I am VERY sleepy right now, however I am going to head off to lunch for some soup and a gluten free turkey sandwich. Hopefully I feel a bit better, but if all else fails, caffeine to the rescue!!!

I am hoping that this pleasant mood I am in, and the lack of pain is going to keep me boosted for awhile. Tonight I am watching my niece and nephew for three hours, along with my three kids, so before they arrive I am going to take a hot epsom salt bath, order them some pizza, pick a movie and just kick back. My girls have their new toys they are still excited about from the holidays and birthdays, so it should be pretty easy to keep them entertained. Tomorrow I have my massage, Friday my movie night, and Saturday I am doing a mommy/daughter date night. I very much hope that I continue to have this energy, and to help it along, I am going to be careful to manage my spoons. I am so relieved that the pain let up, and granted the weather stays nicer, I think I am going to make it through the next 4 days with ease. Wish me luck!

Speed Walking…

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Speed walking. Not just walking, but SPEED walking. We often forget the pace at which we are able to move, until that ability is taken away. The day you are unable to pick up and go the way you want.. NO.. the way you NEED, is the day you realize you took that ability for granted. (Regardless of what it is, but hang with me, I have a point to this.) When you are chronically ill and in chronic pain, moving is very much needed to keep things from worsening, but it is also the bane of your existence. I have often looked across the room at something I needed (My phone, laptop, a drink, etc) and decided if it was worth the pain it would cause to retrieve it. At the end of the day when I am sore, exhausted, and feeling like my body is about to both implode and explode at the same time, there are very few things that are WORTH moving my body for. man-sleeping_on_couch I cannot say how many times I have given in and slept on the couch only because I didn’t want to climb the 15 stairs it would take to get to my tempurpedic bed. That’s right. A nice, expensive, very comfortable bed. Instead, due to exhaustion and a mental decision to accept my body as it is now, I sleep on a 10 year old couch. Not the best idea, but it happens more than I would like to admit.

Yesterday was rough. I was exhausted, sore, in much pain, and was having a very hard time moving. My body hurt inside and out! I dedicated myself to going straight home, take a hot epsom salt bath and rest for the remainder of the night, which I completely followed through with. I went to bed at a reasonable time, in my own bed. EUREKA! I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, still sore (E’ry day. Let’s face it) but a bit better. Prepared my girls for their day with ease, and actually got to work on time! Once there, though I was a bit cranky (Jackhole was out yesterday, and was on a rampage bitching about why HIS work didn’t get done in his absence, and bitching out a new member of the team. Which I stepped in like a mama bear and shot that asshat down!) I was actually feeling alright. As my morning went on, and I was going about my tasks to and from different desks, offices, etc I realized something. SPEED WALKING… I… was… speed walking. The moment I realized that I was moving with ease, I literally came to a dead stop. I cannot express the ridiculous amount of amazement I felt realizing that I was actually not only walking at a normal pace, but at a quicker pace than the average person walks at. It was awesome! Capture Then I asked myself that question I always ask myself when I have a feeling of unlimited spoons: How is this going to effect me later? How sad is that?

I AM SPEED WALKING!! What is this going to do to me tonight?

In the middle of the break room, on my way out the door to grab lunch, there I stood thinking about what my movement is going to do to my body, and if I actually have the spoons my body seems to think it does. I tried to measure how much energy I had. I stood still trying to feel the aches and pains that were laying beneath the surface, and were going to rear their ugly heads later. I felt a bit in my neck, knees, back, and an overall discomfort (of course) but nothing ugly steaming below. With a shrug of amazement, I continued my day.

Non-stop website audits, client calls, a trip to Target with my 3 kids. Swinging past the pharmacy for my meds (increased my gabapentin today, more on that in another post), replacing my heating pad (YAY!), and then dinner. At a restaurant. With THREE kids. THREE! ALL DAY! I went ALL DAY in speed walking mode, comfort mode, or whatever you wish to call it, and nothing slowed me down. It was nothing short of intoxicating! It is so funny how much joy a simple ‘normal’ day can bring someone in my situation, and don’t you think for one second that I did not appreciate it! Here is it, 1:00am in Utah and I am still wide awake, and beaming from my good day. I have no idea what got into me, (probably has something to do with the sudden increase in temperature) but it has yet to leave. I feel a bit sore in a few places, and the lack of aches at this point may be to the 1200mg of gabapentin and 50mg of Ultram swimming through my system, but the peace and joy I feel inside is due to the feeling that only a good day can bring me. I got ALL my work completed, hung out with my favorite coworkers, spent HOURS running around and having a great time with my little family, and STILL have energy left over. Now all I am praying for is sleep so that I can wake up in the morning on time and get to work.

stock-footage-excited-winner-woman-celebrating-winning-something-very-happy-ecstatic-woman-jumping-and-screaming I never expect to wake up feeling “good”; This rarely happens to me. Even this morning, I didn’t feel ‘good’ per say. However, that moment I realized I was moving, and not only that but SPEED walking, I was on cloud nine. I don’t care if I need to walk with a cane tomorrow, I will cherish today and the feeling it has left on me for days to come. Tomorrow I get to wake up knowing that my girls had fun with me today. They went to bed happy because we went out and about as a family.. like we used to. Before mommy got really sick. I know my kids felt the happiness radiating off me, and the smiles that we all shared today were fantastic. Though I don’t expect it, I would be tickled pink (Yeah, 29 and saying tickled pink. Figure I have an old body, might as well use old sayings) if I woke up tomorrow and could speed walk again. I know I used most of my spoons today, and us spoonies are all aware that ‘roll over spoons’ is not a thing, but I really hope that my spoons replenish the same way they replenished this morning.

Dear Tomorrow’s Body: Can we speed walk again? I really liked that.

The Lake Went Dry…

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A few years ago I went on a drive up to a lake with some of my family. Once we arrived, we saw that it had gone dry during the drought that Southern Utah was experiencing at that time. I started spouting off random dramatic sonnets, when I realized that it actually applied to many things. Here is what I came up with. Enjoy.

DLB2“I went to the lake that day, but it had gone dry. As I stared at the sandy bottom I thought to myself….. it seems even my pleasures had dried up with my dreams. Take myself out for a day of fun, but fun doesn’t seem to live here anymore. As I walked the path that used to lead me to cool refreshment I pondered how I had gotten here. What had I done to make my lake dry? What steps had I taken to drain my fountain of youth, and what will it take to make the waters flow freely again? I picked up a rock and threw it as hard as I could. As I squinted my eyes in the glare of the sun, I lost sight of my rock but only for a moment. As the pebble came crashing down into the earth, just as it seems my life had, I turned to leave…. but I stopped. If I leave this place and return to the desert that is my home, what have I accomplished? I saw this place as what I had lost, what I no longer had… But maybe it was the view and not the actual place that brought such sorrows. Perhaps if I look at it in another light, things would not seem so grim. As I looked to my feet, I saw glorious sparkles of light. Just beneath the sand, protruding slightly, was a coin. I picked up the coin, flipping it over in my hand… rolling it between my fingers. It was beautiful. I went to the lake that day, and I discovered wondrous things the water had kept hidden. I went home with many treasures that day.”

Jackhole…

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Cold morning, aches and pains. Still on my makeup strike, so a quick pony tail and random clothes I threw on for the day. Arrive at work with so many things in hand for multiple projects I have today, so I park up front in the dedicated work parking we generally leave open, however I feel justified in using up due to my stiff body and extra work I am completing today. This did not go unnoticed by “Jackhole”, as he has already mentioned it to my dear Kendall. “Is that her car? Interesting…”

You know what would be REALLY interesting Jackhole? If I punched you in your horrible face!! Or if Iangrywoman kicked you in your tiny man junk. It would be worth the pain I would likely suffer for the next week or so. You have no idea how close I am to giving this man a piece of my mind! So close I had to stop in on my blog and vent before I risk my job for spewing the word vomit I would love to throw at him. The little bit of satisfaction I have? My customer and performance stats are higher than his, and are displayed for all to see on our stats board at work. That is right, fucker! I have 27% more success with my clients than you do, bitch. I also have a higher revenue this month, so you can just suck my lady balls.

Prick.