I am officially one year away from being 30 as of Friday, and I hate it. I feel like 30 is the age that you officially become an “adult”, and though I have a firm grasp on many thing, I don’t feel like I have a grasp on everything I should. When I was younger I imagined that at 30 I would at least have a solid family. Right now I am single, I am the rock, the gel of everything about my family. Alone. I am also very sick, and have a hard time being the solid foundation that my girls need. As they grow older, it is more and more apparent that they need another parent in their life that can support them when I am fragile. I need a rock to stand side by side, and not just for me. For them. I want to provide the solid family that I never had, and that they deserve. My girls deserve to see (and feel) what a loving and respectful man really looks like. I can’t help but mourn for my dead relationship with my “Dead Horse” (FYI- Referring to my ex Jeff, mentioning him is like kicking a dead horse. Broke up 6 months ago) and what would have been possible if we were both ready for that commitment. This man loved (and I am sure still loves) my girls, and my girls love him. Just last night my littlest girl (almost 4) reminisced with me the love that “Dead Horse” and I shared, and how wonderful it was to spend time with him and his kids. She brought them up because she wants them to come to her birthday, and I had such a hard time explaining that though we still love them, they can’t come. That it’s just not possible right now, but it is ok we still love them. She asked for them to come over to see us, and again, I had to explain that they can’t. She cried, and I cried inside.
I don’t want to go through this. I don’t want to have to tell my baby that the only man she has every known as a solid part of her life cannot be a part of it anymore.. again. I broke it up, and though it was for good reason, I just wish it hadn’t happened. Today I told Kendall (my work bff) that I wanted to be married within the next year. The look that she gave me was a look of both disgust and doubt. “You have to actually like someone first!” – This is true. I have dated quite a bit over the last four months, and met many many men. I have liked none of them enough to see them more than a few times, and NONE to see on a regular basis. The last few months I have been liking men less and less at a faster rate. One date. Three conversations. I find something about them that I just can’t get past. I compare them over and over to someone I couldn’t make it work with, and it is awful. I am perfectly aware of how ridiculous it is, and I constantly tell myself to knock it off. I have been thinking of him less and less, but I have also been dating less and less. I find that those likely go hand in hand. I no longer cry over the fact that after two years, he was with someone and committed within a two week period of our relationship. It hurts, but not nearly as bad as it did, and I don’t really resent him for it as much. I imagine that as these feelings dissipate, I will be more and more open to dating and finding less and less faults in the men I meet.
I know I want a family. I know I want to commit myself to the right man, and I want to create that family I never knew. Don’t think I have this fairy tale version of what a marriage is, as I have been married before and I know it is a challenge. But I also know that the challenge of a married is much less than the challenge of being a single mother. The love that two people share when they commit themselves to a marriage is beautiful. I am aware that I will likely not find that and get married in the next year, but I want to be much closer then than I am now. I want to give the love I have inside to someone that can return the favor. Someone that is ready for what I am ready for. I want to fall into the arms of someone that wants me in their arms. I want to hug and kiss someone who wants me to hug and kiss them. I want to come home to someone who wants me in their home. I want to give all of the above, and then some. I want to see him smile at me when I am at my worst. I want to hold him when he is at his. I want to share everything I have to offer, and I know it is a lot. I want to still love him when he is angry with me, and him to love me back. I want to know that though I am a pain in the ass, he also knows that I will be great when I get through my mess. I am human. A broken human. I cry, I hurt, and I yell. My home may be loud. There may be a lot of yelling and fighting. It is full of over dramatic, head strong girls, but it is also full of love. It is full of so much love and sweetness. It is full of hugs, kisses, family time and wonderful moments. Call me selfish, but this is what I want.
If wanting love is selfish, then I am horribly selfish.