Tomorrow I have a Doctors appointment. Another one. I have long lost count how many appointments have been made, for what reasons, and how they turned out. At the end of the day, pain still lingers inside me, and as much as I wish I could wish it away, I can’t. My body isn’t processing this right, and this is happening. Now this is wrong, and I hate it. I seriously… seriously hate it. I get this feeling that people think I am a hypochondriac. No. I KNOW people think I am, and it pains me. Each and every ache and pain I feel, each churn of my stomach, each swollen bit of skin I am becoming more and more hopeless, and worse yet, bitter. I know that I go back and forth between feeling hopeful and feeling hopeless, but I can’t help it. When you have multiple chronic illnesses, it is hard to maintain a steady hopeful outlook on life, especially when they are painful. Tonight while I was grazing through photos on my instagram feed, I saw the most beautiful sunset photos. I saw wonderful captures that filled me with so many different emotions. The beauty being brought to me through still life from all over the world, and such talented photographers doing it was just so wonderful! I miss photography. I miss having the energy to do it. To drag my babies around, getting them in and out of the car. Now my feet and hands ache from the cold air, and the changes in weather, that by the time I get off work the last thing I am even thinking of is going out and about. I dread driving my car half the time because it is a stick, and I cringe at the thought of having to run errands. This is what I am right now? My knees are worse because of the cold air, and the muscle aches I am suffering as of late are barely bearable. I can’t go a day without pain meds, even with the gabapentin, and I am just exhausted. THIS is what I am?
I was raised in a poor polygamist family, with barely enough to eat and most of our food from the local food storage donations. My mom moved us out of and into another polygamist family, but during the four year span in between she worked two jobs to support us. Both fast food type jobs, and she attended college (briefly) before getting married. Even when I had hopes and dreams, they never really went far in my future, as I never really thought I could have them. I didn’t think that someone like me could accomplish much of anything, and even when I was kicking ass and taking names at what I was doing, it was a “in the moment” kind of thing. My ignorance caused a young pregnancy, though I was smart enough not to marry the “boy” who knocked me up, I still married an abusive man later. In and out of bad relationship after bad relationship, all the while standing my ground. Being strong enough to withstand each and every blow, whether it was self inflicted or not! But I still took it one day at a time. I have always envied those who had the ability to dream. Girls like me? We don’t dream. We survive. But now.. now I can barely do that, and now I am dreaming. Now I just want to strap my camera around my neck and snap away! I want to share my vision of this beautiful world! I used to operate four machines at once, pack, and ship order after order of paper products. I once moved 100% by myself! Everything me and my three kids owned! I used to jog three miles a day, and could dance all night, multiple times a week and still work a 14 hour shift with only one or two days off a month. I am a mother! I am a fighter!! I have been through hell and back, and I have withstood so much! But now? Now I can’t even eat some french fries cooked in the same fryer some breaded chicken without getting knocked on my ass for three days.
Now I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Now I ache, and I wince with every movement. Now people look at me like I am disgusting in my broken and bloated body, and all I want to do is hide. Call me weak, as I feel that I am so much more than I can express, but I just want to hide. The thought of getting all my gear together, and heading out on a photography adventure with my kids alone wears me out. I am tired before I even move. Getting dressed in the morning most days exhausts me, and I find myself getting to work late almost every day. I used to be that person who was on time, and ready to take the world by storm. I hated being late, and I still do, but with two small children (who fight NON stop) and myself to get ready while my body malfunctions is just so overwhelming. I don’t know how much longer I am going to be able to do this, and keep up this facade that I am ok. I have been giving subtle hints to those I know that I need help, but as I suspected, the offer of help only stands when I don’t actually need it. The few people who I know would be willing to do whatever they could for me, I am too embarrassed to ask directly. Maybe I will get to that point, but those who I have asked so far have only been willing to go so far in a situation so rough, that they don’t even know where to begin. I can’t blame them, because I am not sure if I was in their shoes if I would touch my life with a ten foot pole.
Right now I am very unhappy. I am thankful for many, many things, but I am unhappy. I have decided you can be both things. Unhappiness does not mean you are not thankful and/or grateful for the things you have, and that have been given to you. Right now my unhappiness stems from the fact that the things I felt like defined me, the things I have always loved, I can no longer do. I want to be happy, but happiness is what? Happiness does not live here right now.