I don’t really consider myself a person who likes to be a pity whore. I am the type of person that talks to people about my life (to a certain extent), and that extent varies from person to person. I blog because I can vent and let it all out without having to deal with direct questions and/or feedback from my friends or family. I like having an outlet that has nothing to do with my daily life. I am aware there are some people I know that read my blog, however they don’t talk to me about it, so I am ok with it. This last weekend was pretty rough on me, and today was just the cherry on top.
I am a person that will pretend everything is ok when it really isn’t. The amount of pain I endure on a regular basis would kill the average person, however I am not one to walk around all day telling everyone about the severe pain I am in. There are times it is obvious I am not ok, and thus people inquire as to my current state. I tend to brush it off, letting them know there is pain, but it is fine. I cannot say how many times I have said, “I am fine.” when I am nothing close to such. Anyone with any type of chronic illness or pain completely understands what it is like to do this. We all fake how good we are, and even when we admit that we are ill and that we are in pain, we still aren’t completely honest about the extent of pain. We brush off most inquiries, and claim our pain is manageable. The funny thing is, when we finally cave and end up whining about our pain, it is then brushed off as us being dramatic, or just wanting sympathy. How does this even work?? You are only concerned when I appear in pain, however claim I am fine? But when I am in pain and admit it, I am being dramatic? This seems a bit ridiculous to me.
Over this last weekend I have given the “I am fine” multiple times, and though I wanted to be fine, I was not. I got the eye from a few close friends who knew better than to believe me. Kay, at her son’s birthday party. She knew better than to believe that I am fully ok when I claim I am. This girl has celiac, and other illnesses that causes ongoing pain and discomfort. She also knows when I am not ok. Cheryl (one of my closest friends) at her baby shower. She kept telling me that “my presence was her present”, and I knew she could see the pain I was in. She double checked with me this morning on my work chat about how I was doing. “I am fine” doesn’t pass with her. I was not fine this morning, and everyone at work who knows me could tell. Even those who barely know me could as well.
Since Saturday, I have been having a stabbing pain in my belly button, and dull aches through my right side. I told myself that it was all just because I was starting my period soon, so it was no big deal. There are times where I can’t stand during my time of the month, and I am pretty much used to it. I could tell that this pain was different, but I kept trying to tell myself that it was ok. That it was the same, and I was going to be fine. There was nothing going on. I was wrong, as much as I wanted to be right. Yesterday I was in and out of sleep all day. The shortest nap I took was 2 hours. I was going back and forth between being over heated and being cold. I was in quite a bit of pain, and it was pain I hadn’t felt before. Recently I had developed an odd pain on my right side that would come and go randomly. There would be a dull aching and swelling feeling; This would radiate for an hour or two, then slowly go away. I have been bloated off and on for over two weeks, however I couldn’t tell if it was my pelvic congestion issues, my fibro, my celiac, or something else. It is so hard to tell what is going on with my body all the time. There are so many different things going on inside me at one time that I cannot keep up with them all. It is so hard to tell what is a new symptom, a side symptom, and underlying symptom, etc.
This morning when I woke up, I was in a minor amount of pain. There was a lingering radiating sharp pain in my belly button, and surrounding areas. I told myself I was fine, got ready, and went to work. Once there, I could feel the pressure building up, the shooting pain in my belly button, and the urge to vomit become overwhelming. By 10am, I had thrown up four times, and was convinced to call the Dr and make an appointment. The first assumption made by all parties was that I had appendicitis. I was in so much pain by the time I had to leave the office, I had a coworker of mine drive me to my Dr’s appointment. The pain was overwhelming, and I felt like I was going to pass out. Not from the pain, but something was draining me, and I could barely keep my eyes open. I went back and forth three times today for various tests. First for a physical exam. Then for a blood test, and finally for an ultrasound. They had to rule out infections, appendicitis, etc. What it all came down to was an ovarian cyst, and some intestinal blockage. Not a fun thing.
Now, for someone who suffers through pain and suffering each and every day, to add additional pain on top seems like it shouldn’t be such a big deal, right? No. Not right. I am already fighting a daily battle in my own skin to keep myself alive. My body not only is aching, but it is also attacking itself, attempting to shut certain parts of itself down, and slowly degrading. Something simple like a menstrual cycle can cause me unbearable pain at times, and adding a cyst on top of that is no fun. The Dr described this cyst as “plum sized” and stressed that I need to try to keep my intestines as clean as possible, and see if it will burst on it’s own. Anyone who has had an ovarian cyst (I have) knows that it does NOT feel good when it finally ruptures, and trying o function for the next few hours after is absolutely nearly impossible. My last cyst was about the size of a pea, so I can’t imagine what it is going to be like to have a PLUM sized cyst burst inside me. Like a mini explosion inside my body. That sounds great, when I can feel each and every little thing that goes on inside. Having nerves that are overactive, constantly in pain, and exhausted from all of what I deal with each and every day.. I am dreading when this thing bursts. I have been told that worst case scenario, it doesn’t burst, and I need to have it surgically removed. I am sure that it will burst on it’s own, just like the other ones I have had in the past. I recall what those ones felt like, and I ended up in the emergency for one, not knowing what was going on and only being told that it was a cyst bursting later.
Tonight I am on as many pain meds as I decided I could handle, and a few glasses of wine. I can still feel the pressure inside my body, and the pain radiating off of it. I have to return to work tomorrow, as I cannot afford to miss any additional work, and I cannot afford to lose my health insurance due to not hitting my hours. I am already planning how I will manage working through my day. What actions I will take. What clients I will work with. I have a meeting in the corporate office at 11am, and need to dress nicely as we will have partner clients in office. Tomorrow is going to be rough, but I have to do it. Tomorrow is going to end the moment I am off work, but I really have no choice. I am dreading tomorrow completely, but I have to take it one day at a time. I have been through worse, and I will likely be through more. It is late at night that I do most of my thinking, but lately most nights I am too tired to blog about anything. Tonight it has taken me about two hours from start to finish to write this blog. I have set my laptop down many times for various reasons. Pain. Tiredness. Kids. Needing to use the bathroom.
Tonight I am in so much pain, and I am dreading tomorrow. I am going to push through it, however, because I am that person. Because I am that mom. I am that worker. I am going to grit my teeth and deal with it. Will I have moments when I cave, bend over, clutch my side and whine? Of course. But I will keep going. I will have moment that are not so clear, and moments where I will take extra time to remember what I was talking about, but I will do it regardless. I am good at what I do. I am good to my clients. Even half awake, and half delirious, I am good for my company. I can, and I am going to do it. In pain, exhausted, and god forbid, not so pretty, but I will do it!