More Than Just Scary

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Diversity. This has become a very common word among my coworkers, and I believe the general SEO world. You must diversify your anchor text. You must diversify your targeted URLs. You must diversify your targeted keywords. Diversify. Tomorrow we are doing diversity training, and it has lead me to a conclusion. There are words spoken by those you care for to a certain point that will have zero effect on you, however if those same words are spoken by someone you value, it can cause a wound that feels almost scorched into your very being. I have been known to scorch a person or two in my time, without realizing that my words had cut/burned so deep. I am quite insensensitive when I am angry. This is no surprise to anyone who has witnessed the wrath that is me. However, how badly have I been scorched by others? We all know that the “Horse’s” words still scorch me to this day, though I am just an idiot and should be over that, but who else can scorch me? Who out there can burn me to the point of actually having hurt?

I know that I am in pain daily. Even on my best days, I feel the aches and pains deep inside me. A certain twist of the knee. Holding my mouse too long without stretching my fingers (so about 5 minutes, fyi), and many others things. But who out there (besides my family) could hurt me? I began to put thought into this, as I (again) often forget how harsh my words can be. Really the only people who I interact with on a regular basis are my work friends, and my friends/family on facebook. I really am quite anti social, and my illnesses don’t seem to help that ailment. Jeff used to think he was the reason I stayed home all the time, and though that was true from time to time, it was more that I didn’t feel well enough to go. It’s been over two years since that day a horrible sick feeling washed over me, and I never fully recovered. Ridiculous, really, how quick it came and took my entire life, spun it around, and spit it out like it was no big deal. My body slowly changing in horrible ways I had never considered. Ways that would encourage me to write an over dramatic blog one day. O_O But I digress….

Jeremy. I care for him, and his words can hurt me. His opinion matters to me, and if he were to actually insult me, it would sting like no other. Man-Yelling I really very much hope that never happens, and have recently begun to wonder if he knows how much he actually means to me. Not on a romantic level, for those of you thinking that, but a personal and friendship level. Hm.
Kendall. Now I KNOW she knows she could hurt me. She is perfectly aware that I adore her, and her opinion very much matters to me. She is 7 years younger than me, and yet it feels like there is no age gap. She’s fun, funny, caring, and just as fucked up as I am. She gets when I am in pain, she lends me her blanket when I need it for my achy elbows, and is generally just a wonderful, fun person. I am positive that I could call on her, and she would be there for me. Her words could hurt me very much, however I also know she would not strike out at me. Of course.
Kay. She also knows that she could injure me personally, and actually hurt my feelings. Not many people can penetrate the fortress that is my general exterior, but this princess faced lady can not only make me laugh, but if she wanted, she could make me cry. She knows it.
Gary. Now, I am almost SURE that this man would NEVER actually insult me with intention to hurt me, but if he wanted to, he could. I have worked with him since April or so, however just over the last few months I have gotten to know him. We were both in relationships prior to our friendship, and both ended during similar times. We are also both putting ourselves out in the dating world, so we have many things to talk about. Like how I was in 4th grade when he graduated High School, however I FEEL much older than anyone else.

There are many other people in my life that could hurt me if they wanted to, however I do not interact with them nearly as much as I do these four, especially the last three. I know on days I ache, I can whine to these friends. I know that when I am feeling ill, Kay will offer me whatever she can (she is also gluten intolerant) to make me feel better. When I was sick in bed, and could not come to work, flowers were sent to my door. My very favorite flowers, and though he refused to admit it, I know the only person I told that Lillies were my favorite was Jeremy. I have my down days, and I have my up days, but I am overall lucky to have these wonderful people in my life. Today was an up/down day. Though I was very much upbeat and happy, I was still very sore. My right knee has been bothering me quite a bit, and my right arm is going numb again. I am not sure if I am sleeping on it wrong, or if the nerve damage I am taking B12 for is just getting worse. Pinching? Disconnecting? Is it the neurontin? Is it that I need more? Headache_Web Medical questions are always so hard! My feet are beginning to cramp up more as well, and my intestines have been very cranky lately. The feeling of my pants against my lower abdomen the last few days has been nothing short of painful, though I have pressed through it. I am thinking the weather change may be responsible for the aches and pains. We will see.

Thinking of the physical ailments I have, and the emotional vulnerability I have recently become aware of, I can’t help but feel very weak. I have always related emotions to weakness. I can’t really pinpoint the reason why, and I am sure that some therapist could count down ALL the reasons and moments from my childhood (Come on! I was raised polygamist. Pick a problem), but I have always felt weak. When I was sad. Hurt. Happy. In love. That is when I feel the weakest. When I can’t control my feelings for another. When I was with Jeff, I always felt so weak around him. Like the love that I had for him was a sign that I was a weak, and undeserving person. Such an odd way to respond to something that should be so wonderful. Love makes me angry. So you can only imagine how frustrated and vulnerable I felt when I was sick around the man I loved. I can logically tell myself that this thought process is ridiculous, however my emotions don’t run on logic. Perhaps that is why I hang onto the feelings I have for him. The longer I tell myself I love and miss him, the longer it will take for me to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to love another. In my pained, and “weak” physical state, letting any other part of me be “weak” is more than just scary. It’s terrifying.

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