Today is Friday, and I cannot wait until I can finally end this week, fall into my couch and snuggle with my sweet little babies. This morning was full of break downs, forgotten medications, and a whole lot of “What the fuck?” moments. But let’s just accept the fact that life never stops, and I am not anywhere near done with days like this. However, I am done with work mornings for the next two days, and I couldn’t be happier.
Yesterday I finally replaced my oldest daughter’s phone, and she just happened to get the upgraded version of mine as a replacement, as they no longer had hers in stock. She’s been waiting for so long, and it is honestly a relief to be able to text her from my bed again. lol – Afterward I met my favorite male coworker at Texas Roadhouse, and he so kindly bought me dinner. I am so incredibly indecisive on what anything means to me anymore, so I am going to take it one day at a time and just let each one do as it pleases. I have always thought that Jeremy was an attractive man, but even to this day it feels like my attraction is a betrayal. As my blog has so obviously been altered by my recent burst of emotions, I should probably mention that I caved and I emailed my “Horse”. I made a complete fool of myself by emailing him and begging him to at least talk to me. I have been aching and weeping over my feelings for him over the last few weeks, and I feel like such a ridiculous fool. The conversation that ensued was about what I expected. He expressed his complete lack of interest to have anything to do with me, and requested that I not contact him any further. My heart was aching, which in turn caused my body to ache. It is such an odd thing to have your feelings affect your health at such a fast rate. I could be feeling fine one moment, then stress will wash over me like a tsunami and bring the aches and pains with it. There is no way to describe the way it feels to have your mind and body ache in the same way. I have so many pain points throughout my body, that when I am feeling weak they are so tender to the touch. It was even harder to hold the tears in until I arrived home.
Once I was through the door, my eyes began to leak and I couldn’t stop. I sat on the couch and let my sorrow spill out. I knew that if I didn’t let myself cry, I would end up in more pain, and have more aches. This was the night that I was to attend a movie with my sister, and I had to let it all out before it was time to go. Obviously upon her arrival she noticed the reddened face, the puffy cheeks, and the lack of makeup. I explained that it had been a stressful day, and that I just needed some downtime. I didn’t want to try to explain my ridiculousness, my self inflicted emotion (and now physical) pain, or what had caused it. There is a reason they say that only fools fall in love, and I just happen to be one of them. A few friends who know what is going on have been very supportive, and keep telling me I will get past it. “Give it another few months, and you will be fine.” – How can I be fine when even just thinking of him causes my joints, my heart, my insides to ache and throb? I just need more distractions, and less time to sit and think of him. I have been spending most of my time with just family, minus the few hours spent out with Jeremy, in hopes that I can just soak in the love from them. The physical touch of my children, the snuggles, and love often times relieves the stress and I am able to relax enough to forget all about him and just enjoy my day. Besides my sweet little family, I do have some really great friends that I can rely on to keep me level headed.
I have to say that I have been laughing more over the last month or so than I have in quite some time, thanks to the closeness I have developed with a few work friends. The receptionist/admin Kendall (female) has been such an awesome and funny person to be around. Though, she is the one that encouraged me to email Jeff, she insists that when two people loved each other, and were as close as we were, there is no way that what I did could have caused all of that to go away. There has to be something left, and he should at least want to be my friend. I have tried to explain the hardships and emotions behind each and every comment, but it is simply impossible. She is one of the most genuine and funny people I have ever met in my life, right up with Kay and Gary, who I also happen to work with. Today was Kendall’s birthday, and though her husband delivered gluten-full cupcakes, Kay showed up with two entire bags of gluten free chocolate candy. We were not only instructed, but basically ORDERED to consume the contents of both bags! This kind of behavior (along with all of the horribly inappropriate jokes we make), is exactly what keeps me from sinking into the depression my illnesses, and loss constantly taunts me with. I don’t think that my coworkers realize how much they are my saving grace. How much they are the one of only reasons (along with my family and fellow bloggers) that without Jeff I have been able to carry on, and have fought that gray cloud that at times seems so incredibly tempting.
Tonight after work I am heading over to the store to purchase contents for movie night with my babies. I am going to snuggle with my sweet little girls, and fight the urge to think about, and mourn Jeff. Each and every moment that goes by should bring me closer and closer to being fine without him, yet it seems that recently it has gotten worse. We are over four months down, and I still feel like it was just weeks ago. I have been physically feeling much better since being on the neurontin, but it seems as though I am more and more aware of the emotions I feel due to the lack of constant, severe physical pain. Once again, the problem is that though the medication is working, as my heart aches, the pain returns. The stress and pain I feel emotionally spreads through my body, and once again I feel like the biggest fool as my body throbs with regret. I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life, and I should be so very grateful for everyone that loves me. This has been enough for me to carry on, feeling as though I can make it. I love the people in my life SO very much, and I wish I could share this love with him. I wish I hadn’t released all my frustrations, all my hurt, and all my doubts upon him. He said that I made him feel worse than he ever had in his life, and knowing his history, this crushed me. The cruelty that I have inside me, the horrible things I am capable of, I simply cannot even imagine doing again. To anyone.
Tonight after work I am going to drive my coworker home. I am going to get frozen pizza and popcorn. I am going to snuggle, love, and be happy with what I am. With what I have. Weekend fun. Woo!