For each and every man I have dated, interacted with, slept with, or whatever other form of contact, my coworker/friends have had nicknames for them. From “David Beckahm” down to “Has all his teeth”. We come up with the most random things to label each and every one of them. I have probably interacted with (on some level) at least 15 men over the last 4 months. I have been actively trying to keep my mind occupied with the opposite sex so that I don’t think of a certain someone. The conclusion? It doesn’t work.
As much pain as I am in on a daily basis, today being one of the days it is pretty bad, though I am working regardless, I can’t keep my mind occupied long enough to not think of him every day. Every fucking day. The more pain I am in, the more I long for him. My heart aches, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. All I want is to climb into his lap, smell his scent, and his warm hand on my head. I want to hear his voice tell me that it is ok, and call me baby. The only conclusion I can come to is that I am insane. That the pain I feel physically is attached emotionally to him since I was with him when I initially became ill. He has been the only one who was able to comfort me to the point of me feeling at least remotely ok. During the last bit, we were so emotionally off base, it caused my physical pain to skyrocket, and my heart, body, and entire being to just burst with pain. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, but I know it is getting to the point where I am just going to give up on trying to heal my self destructed broken heart. I did this to myself. I am not sure I am ever going to fully heal from this, or if I will ever find someone who can make me feel at least partially ok with losing Jeff. Losing.. well.. removing him forcefully from my life.
Today my head is throbbing. My feet are killing me. I have a blanket folded and placed under my elbows just so I can sit at my desk and work. I have been forcing myself to ignore the pain, and just focus on my work. I have to get up every 20 minutes or so and walk around, or my legs become numb. My head is a whirl with thoughts, and each one leads back to him. I am going to see a movie with my sister tonight, and I know I will enjoy it. She is going to be driving, so I am comfortable taking some pain medication before we leave. I am longing for the two hour distraction that 3D Gravity in IMAX is going to bring me. Anything that will keep my mind off of him is a saving grace. Talking to my coworkers, distracting myself with as much work as I can handle. ANYTHING to keep my emotions intact, and prevent the total sobbing break down I wish I could fall into right now. Over my pain. My illness. My lost love.
Today one of my close coworkers looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I missed him. I knew she would know if I lied so my response was, “Every minute of every day.” End of conversation.
I am crazy.