What Have I Done To Myself

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Tonight I am posting from my cell phone. I’m laying in bed, bone pain shooting through my legs, stomach upset, and a sense of anxiety. I have a lot to post, but I can’t think of what or how I want to say what needs to be said, so I refrain from publishing those wandering thoughts.

My mind is on the horse again, and I’m kicking it through my mind. I don’t know why I do this to myself, and I am ashamed that I do. I feel such a lack in control when I think about him. I never look at his office when I drive by anymore. I don’t answer questions about him; I just wave my hand and make that God awful noise people make when they are blowing something off. I try to distract myself each and every time he crosses my mind, but alone in the dark.. alone with just myself and my thoughts.. I can’t keep myself from feeling that loss. I have this fear that whoever I share my bed with… regardless of what situation it may be… Will lay next to me, yet my mind and heart well be elsewhere. What have I done to myself?

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