Self Comforting Damage Control

Gabapentin. Generic for Neurontin.

Gabapentin (Neurontin) is a pharmaceutical drug, specifically a GABA analog. It was originally developed to treat epilepsy, and currently is also used to relieve neuropathic pain.

Uses For Pain

Gabapentin provides significant pain relief in about a third of people who take it for fibromyalgia or chronic neuropathic pain; however, results in side effects in two thirds of people. It is effective in reducing narcotic usage post operatively and is helpful in neuropathic pain due to cancer. When used for neuropathic pain it does not appear superior to carbamazepine. It appears as effective as pregabalin and costs less. It does appear to provide some benefit for complex regional pain syndrome or to be useful for migraine prevention.

Since I have been using Gabapentin, my general functionality and mood has increased significantly. I still have slight joint pain in my hands, but the locking and general discomfort is subsiding. My knee pain, due to long term arthritis damage, has decreased, but is not even close to being gone. I have found that the general discomfort I had when walking has let up quite a bit, and I am left being able to walk almost normally nearly daily. Only during a full flare do I have issues, or after sitting in a way that puts strains on the damaged ligaments. This all being said, I still have general exhaustion, and without caffeine or sugars, I have a hard time staying awake for the needed period of time during the day. The problem with this is that caffeine AND sugar (especially artificial sweeteners) cause additional pain and exhaustion for patients with fibro, arthritis, etc. I have tried making it through the days without using either of these stimulants, however I have not been able to do so. Not only do I need it to stay awake, but I think I may have become emotionally attached to my coffee and sugar intake.

Everyone has their own forms of pain, and everyone has their own forms of comfort. It is not uncommon for people to develop emotional attachment to foods, items, shows, OCD tendencies, and/or drinks, etc to deal with emotional pain. Anyone who has had to deal with any type of chronic illness and/or pain will be able to tell you about the intense waves of emotional pain that comes along with it, and the different ways that they learn to cope. When you have a chronic problem, it is not uncommon for one to live in fear. Fear of another flare, fear of the pending pain. How hard it is going to hit you. Will I be able to function? Am I going to miss work? Can I take care of my children? Can I take care of myself? absweetpotatoes-3 Having these types of stress and worries put additional strain on your emotions, and can actually weaken the body, allowing your chronic illness to flare more often. It is a never ending process of emotional, physical, mental, and any other type of pain you can think of. It is really easy to fall into the pattern of comforting yourself with quick and unhealthy remedies. For me it is coffee, candy, and potatoes. Potatoes? Yes. Isn’t that strange? When I am feeling anxious and sick on the weekends I tend to make my comfort food: Any type of potato. Fried, baked, crisped.. anything. I love the taste, and I love the toppings I can put on top of them. All of which are TERRIBLE for both illnesses that I have. When you eat potatoes, carbohydrates increase insulin and lower your blood sugar. Carbohydrates with a “high glycemic load” breakdown into a tremendous amount of sugar within your body and should be avoided as they make fibromyalgia symptoms worse. I have also opted to stop eating meats, and plan to eventually eliminate most of the dairy that I consume. I don’t have an issue with breads, and other glutenous foods, as I have celiac, and cannot consume them regardless. The pain and discomfort I get from celiac is almost completely unbearable at times. This may be exacerbated by the fibro and/or arthritis. Needless to say, food is beginning to become my enemy.

Yet here I am, day in and day out needing to consume large amounts of caffeine both for energy and for comfort. The smell and feel of coffee settles any nerves I may have, emotionally puts me at ease, which increases my energy levels in general. Add the caffeine to that mix, and you have a very happy woman during the day. I am obviously very aware of the side effects, however lets take another look into my dilemma.

No caffeine: Extra fatigue, anxiety, discomfort, and general frustrations because of all of the above.

Caffeine: Relieved fatigue, relieved anxiety, emotional comfort, and relief of all systematic/emotional symptoms listed above.

However, by about 6 pm when I am winding down for the day, and it has been hours since my last consumption of sugars and caffeine, this is when I start to crash. Not only do all of my symptoms return, they return with a vengeance. My entire body aches (but lets clarify not NEARLY as bad as it did before the gabapentin), my fatigue returns, my joints ache to the point where I must rest my body in order to stay mentally functional. Basically, everything goes back downhill. This is obviously a problem, as that is the time I am now home with my family and they require me to be as attentive as possible. Should I have not consumed said sugars and caffeine, I would have not been able to fully function at work, and would still be fatigued and anxious when I got home. Perhaps even worse than I am when I crash, due to the emotionally and physical strain put on my body due to avoiding my energizing, comfort foods and drinks. Catch 22 if I ever heard of one. The fact that I have taken the time to research my situation, trying to find ways to avoid pain and treat myself as much as I can as well has brought me to the conclusion to do the following:

1. Avoid Potatoes. This has already been said, but it is the very first step in my fight to regain my life. I must avoid as many complex carbs as I can, avoiding the side effects previously listing. Believe it or not, this is actually very hard for me to do. Not only are potatoes delicious and comforting, they are cheap. As a single mom, this is a huge asset to keeping my grocery budget low. I am not sure I will even be feeding my kids potatoes, or even purchasing them again. I have half a bag in my pantry. I am avoiding temptation.

2. Eliminate red meats, and eventually all meats in general: This needs to be done for the same reasons potatoes needs to be eliminated from my diet as well. They have the same effect on the body, and cause the same problems. Though red meats can be very healthy, for someone with neuropathic and musculoskeletal pain, the benefits do NOT outweigh negatives. chocolate

3. Limit Candies/Sugars: Anyone who is trying to be healthy should be doing this regardless. We all know that the sugars, fats, and other damaging elements of candy is overall bad for you. As much as I would like to convince myself that a Snickers is good for me, it is not. Nor are Skittles or M&Ms. I wish this weren’t true.

4. Eliminate dairy: Dairy is a major protein, and many people that have fibromyalgia have a leaky gut. This means instead of having gaps between your cells and your intestines that look like this: mmmmmmm — the cells look like this: m n m n m n m. Casein is a major protein, and you can develop a food reaction to it – an allergy, if you will. When you eat casein, it inflames your body, it fires up your immune system, and all heck breaks loose. Especially when your immune system loves to attack your body. This means dairy is overall bad for me. Across the board.

So why is dairy last on my list? Because I am most addicted to dairy. I eat dairy every day, and I am going to have a very hard time stopping. I love the taste of milk. Yogurt. Sour cream. It is all very delicious, however my functionality and ability to be a good parent and employee needs to take presidence over any of my random addictions. After all of these steps are taken, I am sure that I am going to live a much more productive and meaningful life. I am just not sure how long it is going to take me to complete my short, yet complicated list. You may ask why coffee is not on this list, and it is simply because I am not ready to give up that addiction, and I am hoping the elimination of all other comfort foods that are bad for me will allow me to continue to have one guilty pleasure. Of which I am going to consume at this time. Because I love it.

In obvious conclusion, my current self comfort is part of what is causing my illness to still affect me. There are many things that I currently do (and think) that continue to hurt me, and cause self damaging issues. I am SO good at causing damage to myself, and those around me. The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Here is my admittance.


More Than Just Scary

Diversity. This has become a very common word among my coworkers, and I believe the general SEO world. You must diversify your anchor text. You must diversify your targeted URLs. You must diversify your targeted keywords. Diversify. Tomorrow we are doing diversity training, and it has lead me to a conclusion. There are words spoken by those you care for to a certain point that will have zero effect on you, however if those same words are spoken by someone you value, it can cause a wound that feels almost scorched into your very being. I have been known to scorch a person or two in my time, without realizing that my words had cut/burned so deep. I am quite insensensitive when I am angry. This is no surprise to anyone who has witnessed the wrath that is me. However, how badly have I been scorched by others? We all know that the “Horse’s” words still scorch me to this day, though I am just an idiot and should be over that, but who else can scorch me? Who out there can burn me to the point of actually having hurt?

I know that I am in pain daily. Even on my best days, I feel the aches and pains deep inside me. A certain twist of the knee. Holding my mouse too long without stretching my fingers (so about 5 minutes, fyi), and many others things. But who out there (besides my family) could hurt me? I began to put thought into this, as I (again) often forget how harsh my words can be. Really the only people who I interact with on a regular basis are my work friends, and my friends/family on facebook. I really am quite anti social, and my illnesses don’t seem to help that ailment. Jeff used to think he was the reason I stayed home all the time, and though that was true from time to time, it was more that I didn’t feel well enough to go. It’s been over two years since that day a horrible sick feeling washed over me, and I never fully recovered. Ridiculous, really, how quick it came and took my entire life, spun it around, and spit it out like it was no big deal. My body slowly changing in horrible ways I had never considered. Ways that would encourage me to write an over dramatic blog one day. O_O But I digress….

Jeremy. I care for him, and his words can hurt me. His opinion matters to me, and if he were to actually insult me, it would sting like no other. Man-Yelling I really very much hope that never happens, and have recently begun to wonder if he knows how much he actually means to me. Not on a romantic level, for those of you thinking that, but a personal and friendship level. Hm.
Kendall. Now I KNOW she knows she could hurt me. She is perfectly aware that I adore her, and her opinion very much matters to me. She is 7 years younger than me, and yet it feels like there is no age gap. She’s fun, funny, caring, and just as fucked up as I am. She gets when I am in pain, she lends me her blanket when I need it for my achy elbows, and is generally just a wonderful, fun person. I am positive that I could call on her, and she would be there for me. Her words could hurt me very much, however I also know she would not strike out at me. Of course.
Kay. She also knows that she could injure me personally, and actually hurt my feelings. Not many people can penetrate the fortress that is my general exterior, but this princess faced lady can not only make me laugh, but if she wanted, she could make me cry. She knows it.
Gary. Now, I am almost SURE that this man would NEVER actually insult me with intention to hurt me, but if he wanted to, he could. I have worked with him since April or so, however just over the last few months I have gotten to know him. We were both in relationships prior to our friendship, and both ended during similar times. We are also both putting ourselves out in the dating world, so we have many things to talk about. Like how I was in 4th grade when he graduated High School, however I FEEL much older than anyone else.

There are many other people in my life that could hurt me if they wanted to, however I do not interact with them nearly as much as I do these four, especially the last three. I know on days I ache, I can whine to these friends. I know that when I am feeling ill, Kay will offer me whatever she can (she is also gluten intolerant) to make me feel better. When I was sick in bed, and could not come to work, flowers were sent to my door. My very favorite flowers, and though he refused to admit it, I know the only person I told that Lillies were my favorite was Jeremy. I have my down days, and I have my up days, but I am overall lucky to have these wonderful people in my life. Today was an up/down day. Though I was very much upbeat and happy, I was still very sore. My right knee has been bothering me quite a bit, and my right arm is going numb again. I am not sure if I am sleeping on it wrong, or if the nerve damage I am taking B12 for is just getting worse. Pinching? Disconnecting? Is it the neurontin? Is it that I need more? Headache_Web Medical questions are always so hard! My feet are beginning to cramp up more as well, and my intestines have been very cranky lately. The feeling of my pants against my lower abdomen the last few days has been nothing short of painful, though I have pressed through it. I am thinking the weather change may be responsible for the aches and pains. We will see.

Thinking of the physical ailments I have, and the emotional vulnerability I have recently become aware of, I can’t help but feel very weak. I have always related emotions to weakness. I can’t really pinpoint the reason why, and I am sure that some therapist could count down ALL the reasons and moments from my childhood (Come on! I was raised polygamist. Pick a problem), but I have always felt weak. When I was sad. Hurt. Happy. In love. That is when I feel the weakest. When I can’t control my feelings for another. When I was with Jeff, I always felt so weak around him. Like the love that I had for him was a sign that I was a weak, and undeserving person. Such an odd way to respond to something that should be so wonderful. Love makes me angry. So you can only imagine how frustrated and vulnerable I felt when I was sick around the man I loved. I can logically tell myself that this thought process is ridiculous, however my emotions don’t run on logic. Perhaps that is why I hang onto the feelings I have for him. The longer I tell myself I love and miss him, the longer it will take for me to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to love another. In my pained, and “weak” physical state, letting any other part of me be “weak” is more than just scary. It’s terrifying.

Forgot to Publish

This is a post I started last night, but never posted because I was in so much pain, I had to put the laptop down and curl up.

This post is going to be short. I am in pain. All day my body has been in pain. My ribs, my intestines, my knee, my foot. It hurts all over, and I can’t seem to get it under control. I have popped a few pain meds, taken my anti spasm medication, and rested. I am almost 100% convinced that I was glutened. My kids have been getting sloppy again, and started leaving yucky crumbs and foods all over my house. I can’t help but think that I consumed at least a little bit of gluten and caused a flare up. Of course, there is no way that I can miss work tomorrow, or at all any time soon. I need to work at least 40 hours a week in order to make the cut for my insurance, and I will lose it if I start to “slack” off. two-part mono cutout for pix daily tues I also have two trainees that start tomorrow, so missing work isn’t an option at all.

The more I get to know about fibro, the more questions I have. Is this fibro for sure? Is the RA and celiac from the fibro, or the other way around? People with fibro often get different forms or arthritis, and also have a hard time processing gluten. I am never sure what is and is not going on inside my body. All I know is that I am in pain. I know it hurts to be touched at all sometimes, and this sucks beyond explanation. At least a few times a week I am uncomfortable ALL day. The clothing on my body will twist and pull, and sometimes feels like it is trying to rip into my body. My head hurts daily. My arms, elbows, knees. There is never FULL relief. I have been in better control of my emotions, and yesterday was spent laughing the entire day with my girls. I felt like crap, but I pushed through it and played with my girls. I let them know my limits, and they kept to them. Then today.. today has been awful. At one point, I was concerned that something was going to burst inside me. The pain and pressure was overwhelming, and I could no nothing but sit and be in pain. I took some of my pain meds, but they are for nerve pain, so the intestinal pain did not really subside. Now all I can hope for is getting into a comfortable position and get past this pain.

Tonight After Work

Today is Friday, and I cannot wait until I can finally end this week, fall into my couch and snuggle with my sweet little babies. This morning was full of break downs, forgotten medications, and a whole lot of “What the fuck?” moments. But let’s just accept the fact that life never stops, and I am not anywhere near done with days like this. However, I am done with work mornings for the next two days, and I couldn’t be happier.

Yesterday I finally replaced my oldest daughter’s phone, and she just happened to get the upgraded version of mine as a replacement, as they no longer had hers in stock. She’s been waiting for so long, and it is honestly a relief to be able to text her from my bed again. lol – Afterward I met my favorite male coworker at Texas Roadhouse, and he so kindly bought me dinner. I am so incredibly indecisive on what anything means to me anymore, so I am going to take it one day at a time and just let each one do as it pleases. I have always thought that Jeremy was an attractive man, but even to this day it feels like my attraction is a betrayal. As my blog has so obviously been altered by my recent burst of emotions, I should probably mention that I caved and I emailed my “Horse”. I made a complete fool of myself by emailing him and begging him to at least talk to me. I have been aching and weeping over my feelings for him over the last few weeks, and I feel like such a ridiculous fool. The conversation that ensued was about what I expected. He expressed his complete lack of interest to have anything to do with me, and requested that I not contact him any further. My heart was aching, which in turn caused my body to ache. It is such an odd thing to have your feelings affect your health at such a fast rate. article-1342100-01EC2DA9000004B0-315_468x286 I could be feeling fine one moment, then stress will wash over me like a tsunami and bring the aches and pains with it. There is no way to describe the way it feels to have your mind and body ache in the same way. I have so many pain points throughout my body, that when I am feeling weak they are so tender to the touch. It was even harder to hold the tears in until I arrived home.

Once I was through the door, my eyes began to leak and I couldn’t stop. I sat on the couch and let my sorrow spill out. I knew that if I didn’t let myself cry, I would end up in more pain, and have more aches. This was the night that I was to attend a movie with my sister, and I had to let it all out before it was time to go. Obviously upon her arrival she noticed the reddened face, the puffy cheeks, and the lack of makeup. I explained that it had been a stressful day, and that I just needed some downtime. I didn’t want to try to explain my ridiculousness, my self inflicted emotion (and now physical) pain, or what had caused it. There is a reason they say that only fools fall in love, and I just happen to be one of them. A few friends who know what is going on have been very supportive, and keep telling me I will get past it. “Give it another few months, and you will be fine.” – How can I be fine when even just thinking of him causes my joints, my heart, my insides to ache and throb? I just need more distractions, and less time to sit and think of him. I have been spending most of my time with just family, minus the few hours spent out with Jeremy, in hopes that I can just soak in the love from them. The physical touch of my children, the snuggles, and love often times relieves the stress and I am able to relax enough to forget all about him and just enjoy my day. Besides my sweet little family, I do have some really great friends that I can rely on to keep me level headed.

I have to say that I have been laughing more over the last month or so than I have in quite some time, thanks to the closeness I have developed with a few work friends. The receptionist/admin Kendall (female) has been such an awesome and funny person to be around. Though, she is the one that encouraged me to email Jeff, she insists that when two people loved each other, and were as close as we were, there is no way that what I did could have caused all of that to go away. There has to be something left, and he should at least want to be my friend. I have tried to explain the hardships and emotions behind each and every comment, but it is simply impossible. She is one of the most genuine and funny people I have ever met in my life, right up with Kay and Gary, who I also happen to work with. Today was Kendall’s birthday, and though her husband delivered gluten-full cupcakes, Kay showed up with two entire bags of gluten free chocolate candy. women_laughing_blog-572x290 We were not only instructed, but basically ORDERED to consume the contents of both bags! This kind of behavior (along with all of the horribly inappropriate jokes we make), is exactly what keeps me from sinking into the depression my illnesses, and loss constantly taunts me with. I don’t think that my coworkers realize how much they are my saving grace. How much they are the one of only reasons (along with my family and fellow bloggers) that without Jeff I have been able to carry on, and have fought that gray cloud that at times seems so incredibly tempting.

Tonight after work I am heading over to the store to purchase contents for movie night with my babies. I am going to snuggle with my sweet little girls, and fight the urge to think about, and mourn Jeff. Each and every moment that goes by should bring me closer and closer to being fine without him, yet it seems that recently it has gotten worse. We are over four months down, and I still feel like it was just weeks ago. I have been physically feeling much better since being on the neurontin, but it seems as though I am more and more aware of the emotions I feel due to the lack of constant, severe physical pain. Once again, the problem is that though the medication is working, as my heart aches, the pain returns. The stress and pain I feel emotionally spreads through my body, and once again I feel like the biggest fool as my body throbs with regret. I know that I have so many wonderful people in my life, and I should be so very grateful for everyone that loves me. This has been enough for me to carry on, feeling as though I can make it. I love the people in my life SO very much, and I wish I could share this love with him. I wish I hadn’t released all my frustrations, all my hurt, and all my doubts upon him. He said that I made him feel worse than he ever had in his life, and knowing his history, this crushed me. The cruelty that I have inside me, the horrible things I am capable of, I simply cannot even imagine doing again. To anyone.

Tonight after work I am going to drive my coworker home. I am going to get frozen pizza and popcorn. I am going to snuggle, love, and be happy with what I am. With what I have. Weekend fun. Woo!

Every Minute of Every Day

For each and every man I have dated, interacted with, slept with, or whatever other form of contact, my coworker/friends have had nicknames for them. From “David Beckahm” down to “Has all his teeth”. We come up with the most random things to label each and every one of them. I have probably interacted with (on some level) at least 15 men over the last 4 months. I have been actively trying to keep my mind occupied with the opposite sex so that I don’t think of a certain someone. The conclusion? It doesn’t work.

As much pain as I am in on a daily basis, today being one of the days it is pretty bad, though I am working regardless, I can’t keep my mind occupied long enough to not think of him every day. Every fucking day. The more pain I am in, the more I long for him. My heart aches, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes. All I want is to climb into his lap, smell his scent, and his warm hand on my head. head-in-his-hands I want to hear his voice tell me that it is ok, and call me baby. The only conclusion I can come to is that I am insane. That the pain I feel physically is attached emotionally to him since I was with him when I initially became ill. He has been the only one who was able to comfort me to the point of me feeling at least remotely ok. During the last bit, we were so emotionally off base, it caused my physical pain to skyrocket, and my heart, body, and entire being to just burst with pain. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, but I know it is getting to the point where I am just going to give up on trying to heal my self destructed broken heart. I did this to myself. I am not sure I am ever going to fully heal from this, or if I will ever find someone who can make me feel at least partially ok with losing Jeff. Losing.. well.. removing him forcefully from my life.

Today my head is throbbing. My feet are killing me. I have a blanket folded and placed under my elbows just so I can sit at my desk and work. I have been forcing myself to ignore the pain, and just focus on my work. I have to get up every 20 minutes or so and walk around, or my legs become numb. My head is a whirl with thoughts, and each one leads back to him. I am going to see a movie with my sister tonight, and I know I will enjoy it. She is going to be driving, so I am comfortable taking some pain medication before we leave. I am longing for the two hour distraction that 3D Gravity in IMAX is going to bring me. Anything that will keep my mind off of him is a saving grace. Talking to my coworkers, distracting myself with as much work as I can handle. ANYTHING to keep my emotions intact, and prevent the total sobbing break down I wish I could fall into right now. Over my pain. My illness. My lost love.

Today one of my close coworkers looked me straight in the eyes and asked if I missed him. I knew she would know if I lied so my response was, “Every minute of every day.” End of conversation.

I am crazy.

Random Rant

It has been awhile since I have posted a more detailed blog, and I am not sure why that is. I have so much to say, but each time I sat at my computer.. I had nothing to say. This week has been one of the most mellow at home weeks, yet one of the more intense work weeks. There was a recent Google Algorithm change that threw the entire SEO world off, and as someone who works for an SEO firm, we had to reassess and reevaluate the way that we perform our actions. Contact every client that has been affected, and revamp their campaigns. Working with other departments, and going over the new changes, there were decisions to be made, and major changes to implement. I also did multiple interviews, and had to rewrite the manual that we provide to new hires. Needless to say, it’s been an interesting week.

Aside from work, something else has been affecting me lately as well. I am up to a full 900mg of the gabapentin (Neurontin), and I haven’t felt better in.. months.. years? I don’t even know. My swelling is down, the pain is barely noticeable, and I have much more energy. I have had issues sleeping for quite some time. Not just because my “Horse” is no longer here to comfort me, but even when he was, I had issues from time to time. Trouble falling asleep. Staying asleep. Then trouble getting up. Since I have come to the dosage of 900 mg, I am now falling asleep faster, at a reasonable time, and able to get up easier. I am still having nightmares, and I still dream about my “Horse” almost every night, but it doesn’t seem to be as bad. I am generally in a better mood, and I feel… good. I don’t think I have felt this productive in such a long time, and aside from a few flares, I have had one of the best health weeks I have had in god knows how long. I did vomit today, but that was understandable. Spent 5 hours on my feet at the Zoo with my family, and I think I was glutened somehow. DSC_0585I am still a bit nauseated, my legs are sore, my hands ache, but before the gabapentin… a trip to the Zoo would have killed me. I would have been in bed for days! We will see what happens tomorrow, but I have a feeling that I am going to be ok. Sore.. tired.. but ok.

Since I have been feeling so good, and been able to get the sleep that I need, I took this week to spend with my daughters. They have seen mommy so sick, and so miserable for so long that I wanted to spend my time with my babies, since I didn’t know how long this good feeling would last. This week we have played outside, played parachute men, dug for worms, wrestled, played hair salon, painted our nails, snuggled like there was no tomorrow, gone to the Zoo, and so many other things. We have a pretty princess tea party planned for tomorrow, and I just can’t wait! On Tuesday my oldest sang in her first choir concert, and it was amazing. I did her hair and makeup for the event, and I cannot express the feelings that burst inside me as I watched my baby girl become such a beautiful young woman. In this blog post, this is the first time that I am using images from my life. I am finally sharing the beauty that I get to experience every day, and the joy that my babies beautiful little faces bring me. Every photo in this post I took. Insert life

Having the fog lifted from me this week, I have turned into a silly little sap. Everything around me is so wonderful, and all of those negative feelings have lifted for now. I am aware that this is not permanent, so I want to enjoy each and every moment I have! Since I know my limitations better now, I am able to feel out what I can and cannot do. I have been learning to count my spoons better, and determine approximately how many I have for the day based on how I feel when I wake up. I have begun to share this method of planning my day with my oldest daughter, and it seems to be working. She seems to be more cooperative with me when I explain how many spoons I figure I have that day. This morning we discussed what needed to be done before going to the Zoo, and how many spoons each item would take from me. DSC_0455 Together we decided I would sort some laundry for washing, and she would perform the action. I would get the little girls ready, and she would pack the lunches and snacks. I am very lucky to have her, and I have no idea what I would do if she was not around. I could not imagine not having the close, loving, and fun relationship I have with my oldest daughter. My girls are my everything, and I never understood those parents who don’t love and appreciate their children to the extent of not only being a parent, but also a friend.

Since I have been sick, I have had a lot of fluctuation of emotions. I have felt intense hatred. Pain. Loathing. Love. Everything under the sun, and then some. Sometimes all of the above in one day. HELL! In an HOUR! Illness seems to intensify so many emotions, and I feel like a totally different person during my flares. It is like Jekyll and Hyde, and I am fully aware, however cannot stop it. There is the version of me that exists today that did not exist a month ago. Six months ago! A YEAR AGO! I feel nothing but love, though my stomach is upset and I have vomited multiple times today. Today I saw the world as a beautiful, wonderful, loving place. I laughed with my family, walked around the entire Zoo, got excited over every animal I saw with my little 3 year old, and loved every moment of it. Right now I am free. I am open. I am love. But how long will this last? I have been called a negative person more times than I would ever like to be called one, however I like to think I am more realistic than anything. I am very much enjoying everything I have right now, but I also want to prepare myself for the fall. I have always felt that if you hope for the best, but prep for the worst, you won’t fall so hard if you end up tripping. Hence why I call myself “Posi Pesi” (This stands for Positive Pessimist, for those of you who didn’t figure that out yet), and proudly sport that attitude. I feel like everyone is entitled to their own way of life, and as long as you aren’t hurting others, there is no problem. 1347605598508 I have been told many times, even from the “Horse”, that my attitude comes off as bad, and I affect people negatively. I find this odd because I am often told I am one of the MOST confident people out there, and that my confidence is part of my attraction. My self esteem is intact as long as I am able to keep someone at a particular distance. Once you have broken past the barrier, I am a squishy, self conscious little girl who just needs love and support. Can I do things myself? Yes. Am I confident in my abilities as a mother, an employee, and a general human being? Yes. I feel like anyone who at least TRIES to do as they need to.. should be confident in themselves regardless.

Everyone I have let close to me, who see the weak, helpless side of me, has left. They seem to find this side of me.. threatening? Scary? I don’t know. Maybe too hard to handle the weight that my misery brings when it comes. I tend to try to bear everything on my shoulders, and when someone tries to help me with the burden, I fight as hard as I can to keep that from happening. The weight that I carry is so much more than anyone can even know, until they try to bear it with me. I have yet to have one person who has been able to stick through everything that I have to deal with. I understand I have a hard, miserable, and unattractive situation, but at the same time.. I often feel that I have so much to give, that it would be worth it. I have a hard time feeling comfortable and confident that my life can be shared with someone, and work out when all of my other attempts have fallen flat. Now, I know many things I did wrong. I have learned what I should and should not do with certain people, and I am trying to grow. This week I have spent no time with anyone but my children and work. No dates. No men. No anything. 1347605170533 My heart has been aching so much for the “Horse”, as I have been feeling such love.

Love. Such a funny thing it is. Love. I love my children. I love my family. I love my job… I love Jeff. I love that “Horse” so much, I can feel it bursting inside me and all I want to do is give this love to him. I have decided (again) that there is nothing wrong with how I feel, and sending loving vibes into the world does no harm at all. Sending loving vibes to him is not harmful either. I wish I could share these loving moments with him, and though it has been over four months now, I can’t seem to do anything else but feel them and let it be. Sometimes these feelings come on strong in times in woe, and I can do nothing but sob and let the ache of loss run it’s course. Other times these feelings come to me during times of joy, and fun. I want to tell him the jokes we made at work. I want to explain the algorithm changes. I want to snuggle up to him on movie night while all of our kids lay on the floor in a puddle of cuddles. I wish I had hugged his kids more, but I was so scared. I knew I loved them, and if I got too close.. when we split.. it would hurt. I miss them often as well. I cannot express how much joy it would have brought me today to bring them with us to the Zoo. Holding his hand while the kids run in all directions, screaming about this animal or that. Trying to keep them reeled in, but knowing it was totally pointless. Pictures. Snacks. Lunch. Riding the carousel. Luckily I have my babies, my loves to share this with, and maybe one day I will find someone that I love just was much as I do my “Horse” and his.. “foals”. It is what it is, and I need to move on.

Last Sunday I did have a date with a nice, responsible, and funny man. He is the older brother of my best friend’s ex roomate, and happens to also be an old neighbor. Our fathers were friends when we were younger, though I do not recall ever meeting him. He is 4 years my senior, and can remember my family quite clearly. He found me on an online dating site (don’t judge), and insisted I give him a chance. Though he is not really my type, and I don’t find him all that attractive, he has a wonderful personality, and the fact that he supports his 3 girls all by himself, as his ex wife simply stopped coming back 4 months ago, is also attractive. We often discuss our little girls, and laugh over the similarities in age personalities. He has the same dilemma as I do, raising children all alone, you never have time for yourself. We attempted to plan another date for tomorrow, however he was unable to find a sitter. 1347606130680 I feel so odd arranging dates and trying to move on when I still feel so strongly for my “Horse”. I never knew I could feel this way, and I have no idea why these feelings linger, but alas.. there they are. I feel like if I am able to bring myself out of this cloud that is him, I can find someone to give this love to. I have often told myself that I need to love myself as much as I feel I love my “Horse”, and perhaps this will help me with these feelings. I am unsure what will and will not work for me in any circumstance, but I know.. I know I just want to be happy. I am determined to be happy. I just need to find a way to do that.

I have found myself having a slight crush on someone I see in my day to day life. It is not something that could, or ever would happen, and I think that is why my feelings have turned this way. Something safe? Something comfortable, and not too risky? I am not sure why (Like most things), but this tends to keep my mind away from “him” during my work days. He is also single, (one of the 3 or 4 men that are) so it is fun to flirt around and joke. I am positive nothing will come of this… but I felt like adding it to my random.. rant. Obviously this blog has turned into a pretty unfocused and odd rant, but I am ok with that. It is 1:30am, and I have had one of the best weeks of my sick life. I haven’t been this happy since I was with Jeff, and that is saying a lot. I have yet to feel as happy as I was when I was with him… though my days were SO bipolar, I don’t even know if it was real or if it was the insanity of the illness taking over me. I choose to believe that everything I felt was real, as those feelings still linger inside me, even months later. There is this silly little saying that is poking around the internet that says: “Based on a psychological study, a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. If it exceeds, you are already in love.” – But what does it mean when you still long for that person 4 months after you break up? I have no idea. But here I am.. longing.. happy.. loving.. tired.. and ranting in the middle of the night.

Maybe I should call this blog “I love you” instead of random rant… Because.. Sadia.. Emma.. Alaina

1347606616044 Jeff.

I love you.

Loved you once.. Love you still. Always have. Always will.

/end rant

What Have I Done To Myself

Tonight I am posting from my cell phone. I’m laying in bed, bone pain shooting through my legs, stomach upset, and a sense of anxiety. I have a lot to post, but I can’t think of what or how I want to say what needs to be said, so I refrain from publishing those wandering thoughts.

My mind is on the horse again, and I’m kicking it through my mind. I don’t know why I do this to myself, and I am ashamed that I do. I feel such a lack in control when I think about him. I never look at his office when I drive by anymore. I don’t answer questions about him; I just wave my hand and make that God awful noise people make when they are blowing something off. I try to distract myself each and every time he crosses my mind, but alone in the dark.. alone with just myself and my thoughts.. I can’t keep myself from feeling that loss. I have this fear that whoever I share my bed with… regardless of what situation it may be… Will lay next to me, yet my mind and heart well be elsewhere. What have I done to myself?

You Are Always Perfect

Yesterday I was told that every moment is perfect. Everything is meant to be, and each moment is in life is just as it should be. That everything about me is perfect, and I am exactly what I am meant to be right now. BlackSwan.Image (1) That I should be thankful for everything I am, and I am beautiful. That good friend of mine looked me right in the face as I bent over the front desk at work, laying my head on my arms, talking to my favorite receptionist/friend, and whining about how miserable I am. I complained by my health, about my dating life; My sex life. It’s been months since something satisfying happened in that department, and I have been quite frustrated. This is the longest I have been single in over 5 years, so it is all new for me, and during this time I could very much use the closeness. I am so used to the touch of a man. Being held, kissed, and loved. I just want to be wanted during the hardest thing I have ever been through. Jeremy leaned over me as he walked by, patted me in the back, and told me he loved me. “I know you do.” was all I could reply.

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Today I am back at work (missed yesterday due to some pretty intense pain and urge to sleep non-stop). Trying to bring myself out of this fog that seems to be following me around. I have been doing research on Firbromyalgia, and I have found that it is not uncommon for Fibro to be mistaken for Lupus, or many other illnesses. Poking around the web I am beginning to understand why all these annoying and frustrating tests were actually very much needed, and are almost always done in the process of diagnosing Fibro. In the last two years I have had so many tests, I cannot count them. Going into my medical records, you can see the thyroid tests, the multiple blood tests, the laparoscopic surgeries, etc. I have had so many needles, tubes, cameras, etc up inside me I feel like there isn’t one part of my body left that I could call a virgin. All for what? To find what is causing me this pain, this misery, and try to treat it. The further down the rabbit hole we go, the more hopeless I have become. I have been trying very hard to stay positive, but researching this illness online is leaving me more hopeless than I was initially. I am alone, and this illness is one that only gets worse with time. 854b1946-63d7-4396-93ee-df9a46957e58 Go ahead and call me dramatic, but I do not want to be sick for the rest of my life. People without any type of chronic illness or chronic pain do not understand what it is like to see no light at the end of the tunnel. Do you know why? Because I will never leave this tunnel, and I have to make the light myself.

I guess one way to put it would be that I really am stuck in a tunnel. Slowly I am given the tools needed to build a fire, however I am stuck in the dark and I have to find them myself. Then, once I have found these tools, I need to learn to put them together the proper way in order to ignite this flame. It is then my job to continuously feed and keep this fire going. The light at the end of the tunnel is often worked for as well, yes, however once you have left the tunnel, and have entered the light, it is then provided to you. You don’t need to build the fire that lights the sun, so let the sun shine bright! Feel it on your skin, and soak in that beautiful feeling! Let the birds sing, and rainbows fly across the sky!! Yes.. enjoy that sunshine and those happy bunnies. I will sit in my tunnel and try to convince myself that it is the same as happy bunnies and rainbows. I will work to keep my flame alive as much as I can, but right now.. right now I am tired and I don’t want to. Some of us do have support, and loved ones that very much help us feed that flame! We have love and support, and they not only help, but they walk right into our tunnel and they feed that flame themselves. They light up our entire darkened tunnel, and it feels just the same as reaching that light at the end of the tunnel, and feeling that beautiful sunshine on our skin. This can last for long periods of time, and can even feel like it is permanent! However, as much as we fool ourselves into thinking things are great, there will be that gust of wind that blows through, and puts that flame out with little to no warning. We are back to where we started, searching for firewood in the dark, and trying to reignite that flame, if we are lucky enough to even have firewood left over. We want so bad to just get up, find that flame, just to feel that warmth we have fought for, and continue to fight for. Just to feel like we are like everyone else, and we get some light as well.

Again, I am down right now, so I am sorry for my super negative outlook on life. I know that I am stuck in this tunnel, and I am still in the process of acceptance, and learning how to keep my flame not only going, but to bring it to full blaze and LIGHT my tunnel to it’s fullest extent. I know I can do that one day, but right now my flame is no bigger than a match flame, and it is threatening to go out just as fast. I am up to 600mg of gabapentin a day, and though I am feeling less pain and better movement, I am so very sleepy. I still have joint and muscle pain, (which I understand will subside more and more with the increased dosage) but there is now this.. fog.. over me. I tend to have issues thinking. Issues doing the simplest things I used to do with ease. I know that I took advantage of my life and my limberness before I became ill. I paid no attention to illness or pain that could possibly get me one day, and besides the hustle and bustle of my life, I never gave a second thought to “what if I got really sick?”. I can honestly say I don’t know anyone who is saving up their cash, and putting money away for a time that they might “get really sick” and not be able to support themselves. No be able to walk up and down the stairs as many times needed to do your loads of laundry. The ability to clean your entire house non stop, just listening to some blasting music and dancing with your mop. D09039_Massage_00011RT I really wish I could dance with a mop, and not have to worry about dropping it because my hands stopped gripping. Or bending the wrong way and injuring myself because my already injured knees. I wish I could go up and down the stairs ALL day long, instead of feeling like my legs are going to fall off after one trip down and back up. I wish that I knew what I know now, because somehow I feel like this is my fault.

If I was nicer to my body. If I didn’t climb so many trees. If I didn’t crawl around on the ground with my babies, acting like a puppy every day until they were obsessed with something new. Maybe if I didn’t go dancing for hours on end every weekend when I was younger. Or dance with my kids to their favorite songs, or that awesome kinect dance game. Maybe if I did so many things different, then I wouldn’t be this sick. I wouldn’t be so ruined, and I would have a more normal life. But then I realize.. everything I think I could have cut back on to prevent these illnesses from happening… is a normal life. All of the things I think I could have stopped, or done less of, are exactly what normal people do. I have never done any of those things in dangerous excess, and even if I had.. How many lifetime dancers do you know who ended up with arthritis and fibromyaligia? How many of them are going to need to take handfuls of pills for the rest of their life just to get out of bed for an hour or two, and fall back in exhausted? Now, I am not at that point yet, but I know that it is very possible I will be. It is also very possible that I can live a mildly normal life, and will be ok. It is also possible that this isn’t fibro, and I need to find the real cause. That this medication I am on is just another pathway to “we know what it’s not”. At the end of the day, I am having trouble finding the light at the end of the tunnel. I am in constant pain, have random numbness, I am always exhausted, and have no “light” telling me it will ever end.

Where is my light? I want a fucking light at the end of my damned tunnel.

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