This morning I woke up late, flushed and frustrated from last night, but determined to get to work on time. I rolled out of bed, and as soon as my feet hit the ground, my heels screamed in agony, and all the muscles in both calves seized up. Awesome. Gotta love RA pain. As I wandered around getting clothes for my little girls, and myself, I realized that my face was slightly burning. I figured it was from the tears I shed last night, and it was no big deal. My makeup was smeared under my eyes, and my head hurt. I have discovered that if I get my girls dressed first, assisting in the process, then allow them to watch cartoons while I get ready, it is a much easier morning with little to no fighting.
Once my girls were dressed, I headed upstairs to get myself ready. I washed my face, which for some reason hurt, and looked in the mirror. What the hell? Both cheeks were flushed across face, under my eyes, and up my cheek bones. The skin was raised slightly, and tender to the touch. I stood there looking in the mirror wondering what the hell was going on, when it dawned on me. This was a butterfly rash. A malar rash. Often symptomatic and related to lupus. My sister gets them every now and then, and has a hard time covering it with makeup, as it tends to burn and hurt. I turned away while I brushed my teeth, figuring I was over reacting, and it was just from the cold water. I brushed my hair, and started to run the straightener through it. My hands quivered, and ached, as well as the shooting pain through my feet. I looked over my black eye from getting bashed in the head by my baby this weekend, and the lovely broken cartilage inside. Black eye, malar rash, and an RA flare up. Good morning auto immune disease!! How have you been!?
Being in a tank top, I looked over my chest. I have been in denial that this could possibly be a form of lupus as well, but standing there looking over myself, and feeling the aches inside me, it began to sink it. This could be lupus. “It’s never lupus! – It could be lupus. I don’t want it to be lupus. Maybe it is lupus.” These are the thoughts that ran through my head as I finished up my prep, and headed downstairs. Even if it is lupus, the medication they would begin with is the same meds I am on now. If anything, they might just up the dose to offset the additional symptoms I am having, and decrease that chances of break outs or additional damage. I have been having intestinal pain, bleeding, and discomfort in general. I know that this can be a sign of lupus, but obviously can mean so many other things, and even be accounted for by my celiac, or possibly even my RA.
I have been having issues this morning dealing with the thoughts running through my head. I made the mistake of looking up malar rashes, and confirming that both of the rashes I have look almost exactly the same as all the posts I found. I simply don’t have blisters or scabs on my face yet. Hopefully I don’t get there. I text Mary and told her how scared I am. She of all people know what I am feeling, as she had to deal with lupus at 16. I remember the pain, the confusion, the anger, and the hardships she went through. She understands me better than anyone right now. She text back that she would snuggle me if she were here and let me cry. This alone started tears in my eyes, and I had to take a walk outside. I limped my way out of the office, pain shooting through my legs as I did. Just as I stepped outside, my phone rang. “MARY” – Oh thank god! We spent the next 20 minutes talking about random things, lupus, pain, some dude walking down the street doing weird handstands I saw. We made plans to get together this weekend and have some quality time. I really need some love right now, and she can give me the very best kind. I am very loved, and lucky, to have such a great family. I have been struggling financially, as I have been sick and my child support stopped coming through. Two of my sisters, my mom, and my grandma all pitched in yesterday to make sure I had food, power, and gas in my car. It was amazing, and the love I felt yesterday is what got me through last night without having a total break down. The pressure is overwhelming.
I feel a bit better, and feel prepared after my conversation with Mary, and venting on this blog, to now go and do my training for the sales team. I am prepared to take on the day, and keep my head held high. I can do this because I know my bed is at home waiting for me. Waiting for my weak body, and my tears I am ready to shed.
Just get through the day.