Tonight I spent some time chat chit chatting with a new friend that messaged me online. He was funny, witty, smart, and just the right amount of complimentary. We decided to talk on the phone a bit as I laid down to go to bed, and without knowing it, I was going to dive into a conversation that would be both shameful, and hurtful with a perfect stranger.
One thing you should never talk to someone you are just getting to know about is religion. Mistake number one. My take on religion revolves around the upbringing I had in an FLDS family, and I can’t help but to relate the abuse I endured with the religion that was shoved down my throat. Religion is something I feel everyone should be allowed to have, but nobody should be allowed to dictate how the other person (or people in general) should feel about it. Speaking with him I found that he had recently converted to Mormonism, and was very pleased with his decision. He loves his faith, and being previously “Buddhist”, he felt that he had a better grasp on his decision being a convert. Ok, to each their own, but I think for me that organized religion, or even the thought of it, is just off base. Not something I want to engage in, or really have anything to do with. Strike one.
This man is 34 years old, is an only child, and currently lives in the 2400 sq ft basement of his parents house while he goes to school, of which they pay for. He is on his 4th Degree (for god only knows what), and works part time at a Pawn Shop selling their items on E-Bay. He went on and on about his gymnast ex wife, the Brazilian Model he dated, etc, etc, etc. I couldn’t help but think to myself, Why do men always act as though the women they have dated define them? As if previously dating a model makes you a better candidate than the guy over there that married his high school sweetheart who got fat? I just don’t feel like what your chosen spouse looks like should be a dictation or representation of how good YOU are. But I digress.. Let’s get back to the point. I let him trail on and on for over an hour about his past, his life, and such trials and ambition, etc. I listened, and the conversation was good. Then it came to my turn…
Oh.. my turn. In all reality, I have such a tragic life story, I don’t even know how to put a positive spin on it. I try my hardest, and I use sarcasm and humor to make light of the terrible things I have been through. The stories of conceiving and discovering I was pregnant with each of my children, as they were all accidents, are not happy stories. Each of my children come from a different father, all of them abusive in some form or another, or simply just not faithful. My upbringing was harsh, and painful. There was much loss and pain. My teenage years were thrown in chaos, and then parenthood. My marriage literally almost killed me, and now… Now I am dealing with a chronic illness. Please.. if you could put a positive spin on that, and make it sound light and fluffy, please let me know. Because lord knows I have tried, and I have failed. Yes, I have many happy moments and COUNTLESS fond memories, but when you cut down to the basics, my entire life has been a non stop struggle.
As I went on, explaining the basic outline of my life, my take on love and marriage, etc, the other side of the phone grew silent. What was once an interactive conversation slowly drifted off into saying a few things, and him grunting on the other end. I spoke of my opinion of failed marriages, what I want out of a relationship BEFORE marriage, and what would bring me to be comfortable with marrying someone. He let me go on, and explain what I want from life, and that I was unsure of how to get it or make it work, as I have yet to do so, but I am positive that I eventually can. During my statements on how I feel about relationships, what I heard from him was, “I disagree.” and “Well, that is a really ignorant way to look at that.” or “That’s not accurate at all from my experience.” But what really topped it off was the following statement. I have to say that I was completely thrown off guard when I heard this, and was literally speechless for about 10 seconds (which is a lot for me) – “You have such a ridiculously negative outlook on things I just can’t believe it. You really are one of the most negative people I have talked to. Everything you have said is so negative, and that just doesn’t work. I disagree with everything you just said, and that kind of approach will never make a relationship work. I just can’t have that in my life. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I don’t think this is going to work.”
Wait. What? Now, let’s take a step back here and look at it from the honest standpoint here. His honesty can be commended at this point, and I appreciate knowing up front that we are two very different people and there are just too many varying factors, and so even a date at this point would be a waste of time. That is fair… but let’s look at this from a tactful kind of way. I was upfront and honest about my life. My situation, my children, my past relationships, etc. I elaborated that I am in pain daily, but I get up and go to work anyway. How much I adore my children, my friends, and my coworkers. How I am positive about the recovery, and that I want a family one day. I want to love and be loved. I want to go through ups and downs with someone. Be there to lift them back to their feet during their downs! Watch them fly as high as they will go in their ups! That I want to know someone fully, and have them know me the same. To make compromises to make my spouse happy, but to be a team and really work with and for each other! He then calls me naive, and insults me. “You really are one of the most negative people I have talked to.” – I think the reason that stings so much is because those same things came from “The Horse’s Mouth”. I have no idea how to take this.
After I hung up the phone, my eyes began to well with angry tears. All I could think was, “How dare he say that to me? He knows nothing of my struggles!! Of my pain! Both emotional and physical!!! He has NO idea what it is like to deal with EVERYTHING I have dealt with, and still try to stand on his OWN FUCKING FEET!!!” – As the tears roll down my face even now, I have this burning of anger inside me. Some people have it SO DAMNED GOOD, and have the audacity to look down on me for being cynical. I understand if he doesn’t feel it’s a good fit, I honestly didn’t either as I know religion alone can make or break a relationship, and a recent convert? No way. But he seriously decided to INSULT me? To attack me and then reject me like that, when we haven’t even MET? Look, dude. The opinions we have are obviously very different, but to tell me that I am never going to make a relationship work because of my negativity about my life? My approach to protect myself? To take care of my children, and my life? No. That is just rude and unnecessary! I dare you.. I dare ANYONE to take my life. Take MY PAIN.. and do what I do every day. To do what I have done my WHOLE life, and be a chipper little solider for Jesus. Maybe if I was an only child with rich parents who pay for me to do nothing but go to school my whole life. Maybe if I had no god damned health issues, or auto immune diseases, or any other ailments even similar. Maybe if I was a “dapper young chap” with ALL the freedom in the world, who dates models and marries gymnasts! Maybe then.. JUST MAYBE.. I would be a little bit less NEGATIVE.
Seriously.. fuck him. FUCK him. Stupid fuckface.
P.S. Needless to say, his number has been deleted from my phone, and I am sure neither of us have any intention of speaking to each other again. All I can say is that it’s 3am, my stomach is on fire, my tears are flowing freely, my pain meds have worn off, and I have to be to work in 5 hours. Today… is not my day, and it hasn’t even begun. Wish me luck.