Today I finally decided to listen to this controversial song by Miley Cyrus: Wrecking Ball. I have watched the media tear her apart for all the things she has done, and I have to say her performance on the VMAs even made my stomach turn. But maybe we are looking too closely. What business is it of ours what she does and doesn’t do? This girl is trying to break free of the wholesome reputation she was forced into, and was required to keep for so long. Could you imagine being the role model for billions of young people across the nation, and possibly world? That would be tough! Can you honestly say that if your every move was watched, recorded, and presented in every context it could possibly be misconstrued into, that you would come across as an ideal role model for every pre-teen and/or teenager that happened to see or hear about what you did? I know for SURE that I would NOT be. I wanted to get that out there before I actually went into the affect that this particular song had on me.
Contrary to what the average person who knows me would think, I am a HUGE softy. Things that get to me get to me very deeply. There are many things that scratch the surface, and roll right off me. There are many things that will not phase me in the slightest, but when something does, I take it very personally. I am such a sucker for music, and when I relate to a song it will always bring back those feelings I initially felt from the first time I heard it. I hate to admit this, but the last week I cannot stop thinking about Jeff. I have found, and am trying to accept, that I am always going to love this man, regardless of what happens. This is the first time this has ever happened to me, and I have no idea how to handle it. I am letting myself feel the loss, the pain, and even the love. It is an oddly bitter sweet feeling that I thought was just a myth, and for weak people.
Let’s get back to the song.. again. I suck at staying on topic. Sorry. There is one part of the song, the chorus, that hits me hard. I understand that this is just some “pop-culture” thrown out string of words probably targeted towards the general population between the ages of 13 and 21, but I still related to it. Like the sappy little child I can be sometimes. It goes as such:
Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was wreck me
Yeah, you, you wreck me
Even just copy and pasting from the random lyrics page I found this on, I feel a welling inside of emotion. It literally makes my whole body ache, and I hate knowing that this.. that HE.. has such an affect on me. My heart aches, and my muscles tense. When my muscles tense it sends pain through my entire body. From the moment I got up today, my feet have felt broken. The muscles through my calves are so tense, and my knees lock up with every step. Sitting here on the couch, my heart aching, my body aching, I can’t help but feel such a loss. “I will always want you”. Such a silly thing for me to think. I am the one who ended the relationship, and for good reasons.. but a regretted decision. “I came in like a wrecking ball” – I can relate to this on so many levels. I truly did come into Jeff’s life like a wrecking ball, and knocked everything down during our 2 year back and forth love affair. I knocked down walls that never should have been knocked down, and threw myself into situations I never belonged in. I loved and destroyed that man all at once. I knocked down his walls… and in the process destroyed myself. I cannot express what I am feeling right now, and so perhaps I should come back to this another time, but all I really wanted to get out today was that the emotion that I heard in that song. The emotion she expressed in her (awkward, but creative) music video got to me, and I can relate to this song. Roll your eyes. Mock me. Think I am such a silly girl, and at 28 years old I should know better than to get emotional over a silly little song.. but I cannot help it.
“Don’t you ever say I just walked away.. I will always want you.”