Pain. That is what I feel today. Stomach pain. Bone pain. Muscle pain. Emotional pain.
It has all become too familiar, but even with familiarity, it is sometimes so much to handle. The stomach ache I have has been going on for four days now. I haven’t been vomiting anymore, but the pain hasn’t stopped. I have been taking Pepto non stop for the last few days, but ran out earlier this morning. I suffered through the pain, telling myself it would go away at any time. I was wrong. I turned to my best friend Google, and asked for some help. Based on the research and results I got, it was either constant vomiting to release the stomach acid, and cause further damage to my already tender throat, or try baking soda in water. Needless to say, I just chugged over 16 oz of water, then another 8 with about a teaspoon of baking soda in it. Disgusting stuff!
As I was sitting here, waiting for the acid to calm down, I realized I had been chugging water all day trying to keep as much of the fire down. Heading to the bathroom my legs ached, and my stomach turned. I can’t stand up all the way, as when I do I feel a tearing through my insides that I just can’t bear! Once in the bathroom I look around at all the chaos my kids have caused, even to such a tiny room. The mirrors are smeared, counters stained. They just broke the door to the cupboard below the sink by swinging on it earlier this week. How will I fix this? As I go to finish up, I notice there is blood. Hmmm.. I am not due to start for another week or so. I feel the pain through my lower abdomen again, and I realize where the blood is coming from. Faaaantastic! Acidic insides do wonders for my already damaged body. I should probably check out how much blood there is. Thankfully it wasn’t that much, though much more than I would have preferred. Bloody stool is the most awesome thing ever, right?
I wander back into the livingroom and sit down to watch a movie with my oldest daughter. She can tell something is wrong, but I just wave my hands. As my bones settle into the couch, my left thigh aches. There are many pains that I have that I have a hard time explaining to people around me. If you haven’t felt it before, then you simply won’t get how it feels. Bone pain is one of those. It’s like muscle pain.. but in your bones. Bone pain is one of the weirdest pains I have ever felt. It’s such a deep, and uncontrollable pain. Joint and muscle pain and be relieved by rubbing, or applying some direct pain relief rub on it. Bone pain is much different, as there is nothing you can do to relieve that pressure. That aching inside you! You just have to wait it out, and hope that it doesn’t come back. My bone pain generally doesn’t last that long; just little spurts in different areas of my body, mostly my legs. I get bone pain now and then in my clavicle, and sternum, but again.. it is short lived. Tonight it is also short lived, which I am thankful for.
I pulled out my laptop and decided I was going to blog. Blog about what? I just know I wanted to get some relief while I am waiting for all of the different pains to subside. Allergy medication. Pain medication. Baking soda water. Yummy. I am in desperate need of a shower, as I have been lounging around in misery for almost three days. Minus my trip to the ER on Friday night due to a lovely 3 year old’s bowling ball head to my face. Part of the joys of being a mom with RA? Trying to play with your kids, and dropping one on your face. She wiggled herself around in my hands as I held her up in the air, and I lay below her. If I had better hands I never would have lost my grip. Now my nose is just slightly more crooked than it was before, and I have been suffering from a terrible headache since. Such my luck, is it not? What can go wrong in my life, will. Is it a lack of luck, or just a pull in the universe that just happens to pull in my disfavor? Whatever it is, it is my life, so I am better off just accepting it.
Now that I am winding down for the night, I just want to put all my pain to rest. A nice hot shower after the pain pills and baking soda take effect, and sleep alone in a giant t-shirt. I will snuggle up with my multiple pillows, and sing soft love songs in my head. Maybe I will let myself cry for a moment or two, just to let the emotional pain out. Anyone who reads my blog knows what I am speaking of, and I need not elaborate any further on that “dead horse”. So, as I wind up this blog and go in search of images I feel will fit my point, I think of tomorrow and the possible pain it will bring. Will my stomach feel better tomorrow? Will I even be able to sleep tonight? What kind of pain do I get to look forward to tomorrow? Manageable? Unbearable? Whatever tomorrow brings, I will have no choice but to grin and bear it anyway. I get to try to manage my stomach acid pains. Monitor my bleeding. Decide if it is worth taking pain meds during work hours, as it will make me much spacier than I would like. Decisions. Decisions.. Decisions.
At 28 years old, I feel like I shouldn’t have to make these types of decisions. Yet, here I am. Decided how to manage my pain. My unrelenting, unstoppable… pain.