My heart sways back and forth on happiness of being single, loss of someone I love and damaged, and wanting to find someone new. I am at a point where I have accepted that I am sick. I know what I have, I am preparing myself for the struggles, and I have been able to narrow down what is going to get me through most days. Today I am nauseated, and my joints hurt. I know not to take my pain meds, as the nausea will worsen, but to eat small amounts of foods my body is used to until the nausea subsides. Only then can I address the pain. This is something I have learned about my body, and my illness. I know how to walk when my knees hurt, when to rest my hands, and how to sit when my lower back just won’t stop throbbing.
I have also learned and realized that I want to share my life with someone. Not just anyone, but someone I love and someone who loves me. I simply do not know how to find this. The other issue is that I am not anywhere near over the heartache I feel for the loss and damage that was my relationship with Jeff. I would love to stand up and say that I am strong, that I don’t need him, and I am better off without him. However.. I cannot. Again, deep inside I feel like I know things would not have worked out with him, but I don’t. What I do know is that I tore apart someone who loved me, and threw him into the arms of a perfect stranger. I know that no matter what I tell myself, when I am intoxicated, or watching a love story, anything that lowers my walls and allows me to feel my emotion, it falls back to him. I hate it! I hate it SO bad!
I can handle my illness. Most days.. as I said, I am dealing with it, and getting used to it. I can handle my general life struggles, and I can deal with most of what is thrown at me. But what I cannot handle is the hole inside me that was left when I threw this man out of my life. It WAS me. I did it. It was my decision.. and it was likely the biggest mistake I made in my life. As much as I hate to admit it.
Today I am going to the Dr’s to address the damage in my knees, and possibly get an MRI, or at least schedule one. I am aware that we can’t undo the damage that has been done, however I am positive, as I know that regardless of what the results are, it is moving towards healing. It is going to help me cope, and function on a higher level. It will increase my knowledge of what is going on inside me, and be able to treat the damage done. What I can’t help feeling is that I threw away something that could have been, and SHOULD have been an amazing relationship; whether we were together or just friends. I am not sure if I miss him on a romantic level, or just friendship, I just know my heart aches for him. He wants nothing to do with me, and though I don’t blame him, I wish that weren’t so.
I find myself sitting with a lump in my throat multiple times a day. Comparing the men I meet with him. Stacking them up to the love I felt for him, and finding that they are falling short in so many ways. So why was I not satisfied with him? Because I was not satisfied with my life at the time, and he was a big part of my life. Because I let so many outside factors destroy a love I have never felt, and will likely never feel again. Because I let my insanity and pain influence the way I handled all things in my life at that time. And when he moved on, my jealousy threw the remaining hope of any relationship out the window. I regret many things. I can handle many things. But the regret I feel for this continues to be unbearable, and I know I can never undo what was done.