Here I sit at the front desk, covering for our Executive Assistant while she takes lunch. Preparing for a Go To Meeting I have with our website build team, and hoping that I am going to be able to leave in time to pick my daughter up from school. I am spending the day auditing my sales team, and wondering what it is I am going to do with myself in general. I dropped my phone in my tub last night (I am an idiot, so just leave it at that), I was up until 4:30am, thoughts running through my head, and pain searing through my body. I had spent the better part of my night with a man I have zero interest in, and honestly find completely unappealing in general. He is your standard loser. Lives at home with his mom, has zero style what so ever (He wore khaki cargo pants and a FEDORA to meet me for the first time), and has the most obnoxious mannerisms ever. He went off on big corporation, how much he is anti Microsoft, but is ok with Sony… and is pro Google.
I honestly didn’t care what he had to say within the first 2 minutes of meeting him, yet he spent over 2 hours at my house. Chit chatting, and just having general conversation. Not saying that he is a bad person.. just someone I would rather not spend my time with. He had nothing to say that peaked my interest. He stared at my chest, and adjusted his pants every few minutes. It was obvious that he was aroused almost the whole time. It was disgusting, but it was nice to talk to someone. I just rambled on and on about anything I wanted to, and he let me. Of course he did, right? He was lucky to be in my presence, right? I wanted him to leave, and kept making hints, but he didn’t pick up on it. When I finally asked him to leave, he lingered for another 10 minutes. When I escorted him to the door, and gave him a courtesy hug, he still lingered. I slowly closed my door, and he was still standing 6 inches from it, staring at me. Leaning in. Wanting more…. O_O – Gross. I locked my door immediately after it closed, and turned off the outside light. He finally got the hint, and about 30 seconds later, was off my doorstep.
I went to my computer and found something I did not expect. An email from Jeff’s new girlfriend. Hmmm… I read through it, and by the end I was both fuming and laughing. Such a naive young girl. She told me of her mother’s recent passing, and I felt genuine empathy for her. But other than that, the email was completely ridiculous, off base, and insanely ignorant. She told me to stay tough. That I will find my happiness, and she told me how she understood how hard it was to break up, but I will be ok. I couldn’t help but laugh at such a thing being directed at me from someone so young, inexperienced, and unaware of who Jeff really is. I wanted to tear her world apart! To tell her what a child she was, and rip into her…. but I didn’t. What good is that going to do? Besides, in all of her naive ways, I am sure she is just trying to feel better about the situation and make her version of “amends” for the suffering she knows was caused by her introduction.
I decided the best thing to do was to write exactly what I wanted to say to her in my frustration. To rip her to shreds, and bring her to light on every heart wrenching, back stabbing, CRUEL things that I had in store for her. I wrote and I wrote and I WROTE! Paragraph, after paragraph until all the frustration was gone. I reread what I had written. I read it again. And again. I read it over and over until I was in tears! Then… I deleted it. I took a deep breath, and I shut out all of my anger. All of my pain for my loss. I know that Jeff and I would never have worked, regardless of how much we tried. I put myself in her shoes, and thought of what it must be like for her side. I imagined what it was like when I first met Jeff, and how swept up I was by him. His smile, his comforting ways. I remembered how wonderful it was the first time I accepted my feelings for him, and I let it all go. That is what she is feeling now, and that is ok.
I know that right now I want to have a great relationship. I honestly want to find someone to spend my life with, though I know I am not quite ready. I want to start any new relationship off with a solid friendship, and take it from there. Will I meet this person at a public place? Online? Will he be my neighbor, my friend, a friend of a friend? I have no idea. I don’t want to let myself get swept up in a false image of love, like I did with Jeff. I don’t want to end up broken hearted, and torn apart by losing someone I likely never should have been with from the start. I wish that I had become friends with him first, though I am not sure that would have changed anything. I was in a very vulnerable state, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever wanted to fall for anyone. I don’t want that fall again, though. I want REAL. I want tangible. I want pure love, and a partner. I want to be a TEAM.
I have been lead to believe that wanting things from a relationship is selfish. That I can only give, and have no expectations on return. That I WANT is not to be uttered, and you are not to “want” from others. Especially your spouse. “It’s never good enough” was something Jeff constantly said to me, as though every action was the end all of actions. That tomorrow didn’t bring a whole new set of needs. A whole new set of minor situations. As if having needs, having wants, day after day meant that the previous days accomplishments were diminished. Were tarnished, and completely useless. I found this mentality so strange, and hard to deal with. You know what? Today.. I want.. I need.. I am. I am a person, and I am willing to GIVE as much as I get. I am willing to give and give and give! But I also need someone to accept that just because I am ok today doesn’t mean I will be ok tomorrow. Just because my bones ache today, doesn’t mean the love you gave yesterday wasn’t good enough. One day at a time. I want to take life ONE day at a time. I want… time.
I want.. I want.. I want.